Sonic_chaos Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Hi, To cut a long story short, We had been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, around 6 months previous to the break up we was lying in bed and she turned to me and said "ive already lost you" I tried to get her to build on that but she wouldnt,apart from that everything was great and we loved each other so much it was untrue. Even friends said we was meant to be together. ive recently been made unemployed and this has been playing on my mind for awhile. 3 weeks later out the blue i get an email explaining that she thought that other things in my life had too priorty over our relationship and that she thought it a good idea to break up for a while, so she could get her thoughts together and assess what she wanted. Obviously i was destroyed by this. I know she still loves me so much, its plain to see the way she is around me even when i was taking her things back and she was giving my things back. After that in feb 2009 i was hanging around for 6 weeks in sort of "limbo" 50/50 as it would work/not work out for us. I gave her as much space as she needed and really didnt contact her much apart from the a few emails and a few phone calls. I wanted to show her i was commited but everytime i tried ringing, she would ignore it as she thought i was drunk she said. I havent turned to drink altho i am very depressed with my current situ. around 3 weeks ago, it offically broke and i havent seen her face to face since. We live around 10 miles away from each other and for me to just be in the neighbourhood would take me 30mins to get there. So its fair to say i wont bump into her. Since then she has got a job and is working alot of hours. Her mum and her brother are all abit dumbstruck as to why she wants to throw our relationship away. She said it is hurting more to know that immatertial things came first over her. If i had cheated on her, it wouldnt have hurt as much. *which i disagree with totally* i even went as far to ask her to marry me, which was after the first feb break, but it wasnt desperation at all. more to show her how much i loved her. To make that bit more of a commitment to her. I have wrote love poems to her and when we did offically break up 3 weeks ago, i wrote her a small note saying that i thought the break up was a good thing to do to reasses what we wanted in life and see how it went. At that point i always wanted that second chance.. And still do.. After that break, i went NC and after a week she broke and sent me a txt message. I left it a few hours and then sent a short but cheery one back. Showingf no depression etc.. Its been 1 week since she contacted me about the car failing its MOT test. I really wont want to ignore her as for me thats just nasty and horrible. She is my soulmate. I have been through breaking up before. But i have always had hate and anger to get me through it. I dont hate her, and im more angry at my situation then her letting me go. *i hate the word dump* I have txt messages she wrote 12 months ago that said we was going to be together forever and grow old together. Various friends have told me to go around and tell her how you feel,dont contact her and also just get to know her back as friends and see how things go. I do have self confidence although its low at the moment, i couldnt even think about dating or looking at another girl yet. I know im doing right with NC but dont want to ignore her, Im just not txting for txting her's sake. Im working on my appearance, like working on my arms,shoulders. been out in the sunshine getting a nice tan and also changed my hair style etc. So when she see's me next i hope will rekindal them feelings she had before for me. I dont want to change for her, and i wouldnt. She wouldnt want me too.. But what i do what to do is change my priorty of things, which obviously will be her first and other things will follow as and when i have time. I completely understand why she did it, and she did try to hint to me about it, but i shut it out as i honestly couldnt see the problem.. i dont understand why she didnt try to really make me see if she did love me so much. Her excuse was that she didnt want to come over as nagging. I wouldnt have cared if she was!!!!!!!! Ive always listened to her problems and she has always been open as she could with me. So in some respects the way she has handled it was alittle wrong. Help is appreicated as even though i have an idea what i should be doing, guidance would just make it a stronger path. To be honest, before anyone mentions it i really dont want to move on. I know its part of the healing process for both of us, she wont move on and i cant, just yet.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Hmm. Sorry bout the title. It sorta messed it up abit didnt it Still in need of some guidance though.
Ayla Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Hi Sonic Chaos, What a confusing situation. My heart (what is left of it) feels for you and her. I do kinda understand what she is saying and feeling in terms of feeling second best, and not being able to mention it at the time. I think that if she messages or calls you or emails you - you should reply. Do not ignore it, but do not be too quick in replying. Of course be friendly and do not mention your relationship in terms of the past. You are going to have to woo her - but slowly. Although it may not make sense to you, she probably feels hurt. So you need to prove to her that everything else does not come first. In my situation - I also felt second in a few things, and he was not a good communicater. So whilst I was open with him about everything else - I did not feel like I could tell him how I was feeling about being second, about not feeling appreciated and loved....and when I did try it came out all wrong. In addition the changes you are making to your appearance - make sure that you are doing it for yourself first. Hope my advice helps..... Take care. x
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Hi Ayla, Thank you for your kind words. I am sort of doing for myself. I have always liked working out anyway but when i first got with my ex she loved my body the way it was, so really didnt feel the need to excerise anymore to achieve anything. Also because i was working *in a physical job* alot, working out came second best and just didnt feel like i could manage it, due to late nights driving back from her's etc. Its very confusing to try reading her, i think she intially just wanted a break from us but felt that it wasnt stopping the hurt they way she thought it might. So read the official break as time out away from us and for her *and me of course* to heal and assess what we *she* wants from the relationship, if she wanted us to carry on. I do agree with you that i do need to try proving myself to her, i obviously dont want to go overboard. I have some of my friends wedding photos that we was both pictured in, * i was one of the ushers and we got her in on the photo too* So my intention was to see how it went next week and see if she broke NC, which i think *and hope* she will. Then just arrange a netural quick coffee or dvd in with a coffee/brew. We both admitted that the wedding was really good times for us and the first wedding i myself really enjoyed being there right to the very end. If not wait till she does, even though she already has before, i still think i need her to initiate the contact first again. Or maybe she is waiting for me to initiate it? Like she has tested the water, which is ok and now waiting for me to get in contact with her? I know the general rule is to go strict NC, but i dont feel we * me and my ex* actually did anything so bad it cant be repaired over time. If cheating,deseption and lying would have been it. OK fair enough and i would have probably binned any chance as id lost the trust. But we both still trust each other. With my life in fact. that is a big statement to say about your friend/mate never mind your ex! Its really nice to get someone elses point of view that is in a very similar situation to my self. As i feel its not a real common reason for a break up, and if it is not very talked about. But talking to a online friend last night, he said we all loose track of our prioties at one point in our lifes, its only natural. Im even looking at my mum and dad's point of view now. i know my mum and dad loves each other very much, but that spark has gone, there prioties have changed and all my dad seems to think about is money,jobs and how we are going to survive, *as me, my younger brother and my dad are all unemployed at the moment* keep telling him, look at the bigger picture!! Like i said.. i wont loose sight of it again if i get another shot. All you have commented on has made sence so far, how i need to woo her i would very much like a womens point of view or comments on? i think i just need to be around her but not too much im there every other day. then back off see what happens? feelings just dont die over a few weeks. Thank you so much for your comments Ayla, i really dont know your story, if your in NC or holding out of a reconcilation but all i can do is wish you well and take care of yourself x
PinkRibbon Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I think sometimes that a relationship is not purposely put second but little stressors and day to day just making a life can sometimes overshadow something that is generally wonderful. Doesn't mean the relationship is bad and doesn't mean either peson is bad. Especially when there was no cheating, stealing or lying. It was life that got in the way. I personally think that if you value the relationship and value the love of the person that you fight for what you want. You love the person you give that love a chance. Maybe I am wrong and that is why I am dumped but I don't think quietly stepping out forever is the answer. There had to be something between the two of you in the first place and it just does not dissappear. It is just in the shadows. I would give her time and give yourself time. Doesn't mean strict NC but just go quiet for a few days. To woo her means let her grow but remind her of the love. Just a hi and a reminder I love you. Maybe a card in the mail. Nothing heavy but something to bring a smile to her face. But don't over do it. I know many people probably disagree and say go strict NC and heal but this is just my personal opinion. I am not a DR or anything just another dumped person trying to make sense of being broken and hurt by the one I love. Do what you think is best for you not what I think. I am personally willing to fight for what we had. I am not willing to thrown something so important away. But that is just me.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Hi Pink Ribbon.. thank you for your comments also. If i had to be very honest with myself. If i wanted to do it the way i wanted to, i would be at her doorstep waiting for her to come home from work with the biggest kiss and hug. I know that isnt the right way to go about it, and im very confused.. More often then not someone on the outside looking in has a better concept of the problem/situation than the person inside looking out. Too many times have i seen that with mates girlfriends being so manipulative and harsh, with my friends just taking it on board and being the doormat. All the things you shouldnt do like begging, pleding with them.. is second nature but its the biggest no no of them all. like with strict NC, thats the first thing you wouldnt do for me. like some sorta reverse physcology.. Im one of these types of people that if i myself knows there is something is wrong i would confront the person or subject and sort it asap. not let it fester for days,weeks,months,years. So when i did get to know about the break up, i immeidiately jumped in my car and drove to see her face to face. even though she put at the end of the note, she thought it a good time to gather out thoughts and not contact each other.. That would have tipped me over the edge first push if i hadnt of understood what i had done!!! i still really didnt get that answer until some weeks later. Again like she didnt know how to tell me without it sounding wrong. Since we have broke up apart from face to face, ive never told her i love her or miss her. i didnt think that was too good for her healing, But you might be right. I will start with a i miss you kinda message. short but sweet. im not expecting anything back to be honest as what can you really say back without sounding hypocrytical. but it will get a message across that i havent just forgotten about her. Dont think that could ever happen. An idea of someones in a previous thread that someone wrote a song and put it in a mailbox, now i cant write my own songs *although im good with poems * but i thought a cd in the mail might be ok too, reminding her of all our songs that we used to listen to in the good times. But i also thought that was too much too fast.. and probably make her very sad. and i want her to remember the good times! Thanks PR.. all comments are welcomed
Chinook Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Sonic, you live in my general area and right now things are tough on the whole. Maybe your gf thought that other stressors and life problems were the be all and end all of what is important to you. I think what you have to do is let her come to her own understanding about what happened. Sometimes when people make a decision like this, they do so because they go on the available evidence and process it internally and make their decision alone. If you try to influence her thinking, she will feel pressured and upset. I think poetry and CDs is a little too much. I think what I'd be inclined to do is write her a final short note. Explain your view of the last few months of your relationship since the 'I've already lost you' moment. Explain to her how you feel about losing her but that you're also okay and you're also willing to abide with what she wants. Tell her that you don't intend contacting her now and say you will leave her to come to her own conclusions and if she realises things can be different you will be happy to try to repair things - but not unless she is prepared to give it a real chance. After that you need to walk away and leave her to decide what she wants. If she comes back to you, happy days. If not... there is nothing you can do about it.
PinkRibbon Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Very good answer Chinook. I like the short note and still leaving the door open but not slamming it shut. CD and poetry is a bit too much but the note sounds great!
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Im not sure if i understand properly. but you think that she recongnised that my current job situation forced her to end the relationship, thinking it was for the best? I do find that hard to believe, although im not ruling it out. She was unemployed for 8 months while i was with her and that thought never crossed my head or her's i dont think.. Although she does keep asking when i have been in contact with her, have i found any work. Im sure thats more of a caring side to her then anything. I wasnt going to pressurise her into anything, more keep getting together for coffee,dvd's etc to make her realise that the time we spend together is just as good as when we was in a relationship. Not real pressurising her into doing anything she doesnt want to. Although the note might be a good idea, and then let her come to her own conclusions weather she thinks it a good idea or not. i guess im really scared that it will be lost, although it will be her choice to make. I think personally its putting pressure on her to review "us" again which could make it worse and it also feels very fabricated. actions speak louder then words.. and at least if i go around and sit and talk, drink coffee. Its just as a friends type sort of feel to it. I think she thought that note i wrote telling her that the break up was a good idea and that time apart to asses was abit, fabricated too. As she looked at it like.. hmmm couldnt you have just told me. thanks for your reply chinook
Chinook Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Nope, it's not that the job situation that was important and forced her to end the relationship, its that other constant worries within both your lives came before either of you did. Your not having a job could have been a big factor... I doubt it though. What I'm talking about is the sense of other stressors on you both had more impact than your care and attention to each other - this seemed to be the case for her anyhow. I suspect that she doesn't care whether you have a job or not, but your worrying about it is important because it places her in second place of importance. Hope this makes sense. The key is that she has thought that she's not that important to you. As for the note or coffee, I'm a gal. I'd be more 'confronted' by a visit and coffee than I would a note. I don't think a note is fabricated. With a note I could sit and read at my leisure and re-read it. Think about your motives to see her - you want to see her REAL emotions, her REAL reactions. But right now you have to respect that she doesn't want to share those things with you. Let her come to you - but to do that you have to let her know that you're still there.
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 The key is that she has thought that she's not that important to you. As for the note or coffee, I'm a gal. I'd be more 'confronted' by a visit and coffee than I would a note. I don't think a note is fabricated. With a note I could sit and read at my leisure and re-read it. Think about your motives to see her - you want to see her REAL emotions, her REAL reactions. But right now you have to respect that she doesn't want to share those things with you. Let her come to you - but to do that you have to let her know that you're still there. Yea, that brief statement at the front did pop up. She thought that my other priorities was first before her. what i havent told the forum is that them priorities was hobbies. My car, photography and generally juggling work,family and my ex. Some times i felt that i was neglecting my mum,dad and brother by not seeing them. Coming home at 5pm, eating what my mum had made and out for 7pm till late. to be very honest, the photography didnt come into play until i wanted to do more portrait photos of her which she agree'd to do. Which gave her some self confidence and also pictures to put on her social networking thingy. The car really only ever got washed and if something was wrong with it, fix it. I have been into adding bits too it, which i think did it to be honest. She has never not said, dont come around, never contact me or anything along those lines. so if i was to contact her and tell her can i come around and maybe catch up. im sure it wouldnt bother her at all. Apart from her obviously seeing me. If i had to be honest. i do want to see her. and i also what her to see me as well to try get that sorta spark going again we got when i first met her as it was truley amazing. So simple yet, it felt so easy to talk to her. She said when i drove up to her house, that she loved the way i looked striaght away and after a few meetings up she loved me. basically love at first sight. I know a hand writting note is more personal then a txt or email and i guess like you said its not as upfront to atleast initiate first proper contact and then let her know how i feel. But i cant help feeling that is just going to stir up the emotions she had when we split by talkin about it more, with my feelings at the moment, and i wouldnt be any better off then 3 weeks ago? if you see where im coming from? At least if i did go around, yea from that point of view it would be more "threatening" but id make a habit of not talkin about the how the relationship broke and focus more on the great things we did WHEN we was together. the wedding, trips out, holidays we had, people we know, etc and i wouldnt stop for 4 hours etc.. maybe for an hour if that, unless she wanted me to stop longer. Dunno if my thinking is right or not. its probably totally wrong. But i do agree the note would give her time to re-read it etc at her own lesuire. thank you again. still very confused which route to take though at the moment. Its great getting other peoples experiences and thoughts about the relationships but it can also confuse very easily.
Ayla Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Hey Sonic, You have commented on one of my threads (the rebound one) - and most people see my ex as a bastard -which he is at the moment. And he is very selfish and has hurt me so much...and I am not even sure if he is seeing this s**t. But I love him and miss him - it is his loss and he will regret it one day. If he ever gets his arse into gear and realises - he will have to work very hard to prove to me that he deserves me. part of that will be the wooing and the proving to me that I am not second best....I am not saying that you are like him in anyway Anyway - I think that having some idea on how she felt about being second best. I think F2F might be too much at the moment. I think a nice card or note will do. Nothing soppy, but just something that will let her know that you are thinking of her and you are working on bettering yourself will be good. Nothing to full on though. The carsd should not be too lovey dovey either - maybe something that will make her laugh - there is nothing better than having the person you love make you laugh. I do not particularaly believe in NC, I believe in minimal contact - leaving the door open so that the other person knows that they can contact you. I personally have no choice, as he is not responding to my message. But at least he knows that i do not hate him (despite what I said) and that I would liek to speak with him. I am going to leave it at that. So I think that is what you have to do. let her know you are there, that the dorr is open, that there is no pressure and that you are thinking of her. It is very confusing getting all different types of advise. Read what people ahev top say. Then see what one you think will rationally be the best. The key word there is "rationally", cause at times like thse we tend to not be so rational... If you want to bounce ideas off me - let me know. x
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Im still not sure weather im gonna stick the original plan that i had in my head or indeed now go with the note/card way.. Either way, im going to write the note anyway, it will at least let me put it down in words what im feeling and anything else then decide if its a good idea or not to send it. Do you think dropping it off when she isnt there is a good idea? Or will that show ive been around rather then trying to keep my distance. What sort of things do i need to be putting down in this note/letter etc.. Is it just a breif note to let her know that the door is open when she feels she wants to contact me, or more of a thing to tell her how im feeling at the moment. Either way i still cant help feeling that its digging up old thoughts of the break of the relationship, which really i dont want to keep reminding her of! Any help on the note would be great for me to get starting with it.. Im actually getting itchy fingers and want to contact her, like in the previous above.. just to initiate that first contact then go from there. but even though its real hard im resisting for the time being.. I find actually find that trying to help other people on the board is making it alittle easier for me, maybe its because i miss place my own situation for a while??
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Okies. I gave her a text to really show i wasnt ignoring her or anything nasty a little while ago asking if the car had passed its test, how she was and that i had been thinking about ringing her and chatting to her, but didnt know if she really wanted to or not. I got a reply about an hour and half later *she goes to a dance class for an hour or so on a thursday night* saying that the car was good, but she hasnt been too good, a catch up would be ok soon but not at the moment as she said she hasnt been too good. I only hope that she hasnt gone back to the way she was before i met her, *she had IBS irriatable bowel syndrome or wht the DR's said it was but went around 6 months after we got together, she also had some other things with birth control injections that didnt agree with her and put everything to sleep* i might be jumping to conclusions but i still care for her no matter what. All i said on the next text was that my door is open day or night if she wanted to chat, although i respected that she probably didnt want to share it with me. I think now, i shall keep in contact with her but keep it minimal to give her the space she needs if indeed she is unwell. She obviously wont want me seeing her the way she is now. She did mention that her complexion and skin as been really bad since our break up in previous correspondents we have had. Guess thats stress etc... Still gonna do the note anyway i think, just for my own piece of mind
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Ok, bit more of an update. After the text i asked her if i could speak to her. She said that she was in bed and that she couldnt talk due to a absess in her tooth, *which is what she put on her fb status* So she is on antibotics.. She said that ok, i'll get the laptop and i'll have a chat online with you.. Anyway.. as it does we started to chat about how we was, work *well her work!* and general stuff.. Now on the last text message i sent. i said ok, i was going to put something else on the txt message but i know it will only upset you and make you more sore... I asked if she knew what i ment by that. which she replied yes... Anyway an hour has passed talking about how she cant let me in as this huge wall is up around her now and she wont let it drop. Every song that ment anything to us she says she is so angry. One song that came up was "beyonce - If i was a Boy".. if you listen to the words, it says about taking her for granted and everything you loved got destroyed.. She felt that was her song. Long story short, she said that she cant promise anything at the moment because she doesnt want to break the promise but she said when she is ready to talk about it, she will let me know and she obviously now knows the door is open my side.. So from that. I will keep in contact with her, but as said before. Minimal and not very often and will not pressurise her in the slightist. The ball is in her court. The only way i can show her that im true to my word is if we still go for a f2f catch up, try and woo her like that. something is moving anyway.. nothing forward or back.. but moving
Ayla Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 Hey, I think the text you sent was good - but take it realy easy from now. Too much too soon could actually push her away. I do not think you should send the note anymore. Leave it be for a little while. Maybe in a few days - just text her and ask her how she is feeling health wise....nothing more than that. Simple. Her health at the moment probably has something to do with stress. My body is kinda collapsing too at the moment. Her sying that song was her song at the moment show how much feeling 2nd best has hurt her. The only way you can woo her at the moment, and giving her proof that she is number 1 - is giving her space, and also show her that you are thinking of her - ie asking about her health etc. Also maybe write letters to her and keep them (DO NOT SEND THEM) and then when things improve you can share them with her. Worst comes to worst - apparently it is very helpful to write things down. I am sure that my ex bf -does not think that he was making me feel 2nd. He was probably oblivious to it...and when i did mention something he got annoyed. So whilst you think that she was not 2nd best...it might not have come across that way. My ex said that the way he told me and showed me he loved me was through cooking me dinner, taking me on holidays, doing things together - yet sometimes I just wanted to hear the words. So try and stay strong - I do not think the doors are closed yet
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 Hi, Thanks for your words Ayla. I'll do just that now. I knew that i had hurt her with the way i did things and i was totally oblivious to it also. I did very much the same with buying her things, they have struggled with money for a while, just getting by and when i came into her life i bought her the things she could never afford. Like she said in the email she sent to break up, You bought me a camera, ipod, new designer type clothes.. and all i ever wanted was you her with me. That really hit home, and its making me cry now reading it and typing it. makes you realise, how immaterial things are in peoples lives.. She seemed really angry last night. She said she feels angry because of the way she let her self down. Thats the reason she will not let the wall down. Once bitten twice shy, was one of the terms she used. As you say, i need to woo her slowly. its took over 2 months so far of very minimal contact, no real f2f and she still sounds as angry as she was when she broke for a while, its 3 weeks to the day with no face contact. She said that its giving her bad headaches, her cycle is late and skin bad because of the stress. I did mention counselling when we broke up, but she didnt like the idea of telling a stranger our problems. I really wanted to see if it worked for us the counselling,but it was more for her to deal with her anger towards the relationship. Alot of the reason she doesnt want to see me at the moment is that her cheek is so swollen, so she said she looks like a hamster.. best looking hamster ive seen probably still going to respect that till she is fully ok with me coming around. But i guess i will be able to talk to her on the phone after this course of antibiotics and she has had the tooth out. I'll write the letters and date them, and like you said. If and when she comes abit more open to me, i'll show her how much i thought of her over the time we was apart. Im also still going to keep the wedding photo of us both with the bride and groom till later. I hope that will trigger good memories later in the process, If not she has a reminder of what we had. she didnt answer me when i said "do you really want to throw the best 2 1/2 years away of a relationship because i lost sight of my priorities" so she obviously has reserved doubts if its the right choice in the long run, Short term completley understand its right. i even told her i wanted to mend ourself together and help each other through, pick each other up when we are down. i thought that would have helped her alot. Not ease back into relationship status but ease her heart back to the good times. Man the human emotions are so complex sometimes, Good complex just look at all the emotions we express. But also bad as they are easily hurt with saying the wrong things. Im going to see her mom this afternoon. Just to get out the house and also to get a feel of the atmosphere at home. Which you can imagine is tense due to them being slightly biased towards me. I want her to become biased to her daughter though, that way she has someone to talk too. As at the moment, i dont think she is talking to anyone apart from her friends which i believe she hasnt told the full story too, which is making things 100 times worse inside herself. The text she put was, "its not something i can tell anyone, its something only i can sort." Will keep you posted on progress thank you all so much so far with help and kind words
Ayla Posted April 24, 2009 Posted April 24, 2009 More than happy to help - hey at least she is replying to your sms and chats. Mine is 2 weak to answer my 1 letter and my 1 chat message that I sent him. After 2 weeks of breaking up with me, he had not told anyone, not friends or family. When they asked about me, he said i was good...instead of syaing we had broken up. Try and keep busy with your friends and looking for a job. Keep occupied - but still try and keep the contact to a minimum. What she said about only really wanting you to be with her - that is the same way i felt. I would have given up all the stuff we did together just to hear him say i love you. How did she let herself down? I am a little confused by that. Little steps ok. I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason...and what is meant to be will be. x
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 She said that she see's it as she let her self down by trusting someone with her heart. She has been hurt before with her first bf and also by her dad, now me in a way *although it was never intentional* , So the male bond hasnt been too good in the last 10 years for her..She thought that i was different, and i am. I just didnt realise how much i was hurting her underneath it all.. Although what she told me of her last bf, i'd like to knock him out. The way he treated her, only wanting her around at certain times when it suited him, She would go to a bar he drinks at and he would be like "errr im with my mates, go away. i'll speak to you sometime tomorrow" and when they did have sex he was very rough and didnt care for her feelings. He was satisfied and that was the end of it. Most cases she felt used, dirty and unhappy... and from what i can remember he dumped her but she was so much better off without him.. She also lost her grandad which she was very close too, he at the time said that he didnt need this and 2 days after her grandads death dumped her. Makes me so angry to see him at times. And he still thinks he is the gods gift, man.. what she saw in him, i'll never know. She said some months ago, she makes her physically sick to know she kissed him LOL.. Her dad upped and left when she was 10 and then remarried without them knowing some years later. She was always a dad's girl and after that he hurt her so much she never spoke to him for 3 years after that. They had recently started talkin and spending time again, but his ways havent stopped. So she hasnt spoke to him for around 10 weeks now, just before we split up. So she has alot of emotional hurt in there. I went to see her mother yesterday and it helped alot. she is crying at songs we listened too and certain songs she knows i like she also does. The first few weeks after the break, she didnt cry. So her mum seems to think that there are cracks showing in the wall and that this "wall" isnt as high as we think as her mum put it yesterday, she wont talk to her mum as 1 she is very rarely in the house now due to work and being out with mates and the other as she is very much on my side *bad but good thing* but her mums mate said she might offer her ears to hear what she has to say if she wants to offload, as she has just gone through a break up, Although he cheated on her for a younger model. bit like independant netural advice. My ex is also going for a pampering session for next weekend with her best friend and her best friends parents which should be good to get away from stuff. I have a wedding, *which im not looking forward to without her* and also a music event *which im going with my brother and brothers girlfriend* I do agree that getting a job *not that im not trying!* would cure some of the boredom and also hurt due to keeping busy. Yep little steps. Like i said im not going to push it if she isnt feeling it. gonna start with the letters like you said Ayla but not sending them. Even though at the moment, im still at a loss how to approach them! My mum told me yesterday that she thought it was a good idea to move on, i asked why and she said that she didnt think my ex was the right one for me. How can she know what is best for me? my feelings towards her and such. how i felt when i know she was the one i would always be connected with.. She said it didnt look right, granted i never felt comfortable around my own parents with her, but that was purely because she never came to my house as much as i went to her's. Again purely because my ex's mum was so much more laid back about sex under her roof and showing affection.. her mum said she knew what it felt like for her parents disaproved like my mums of sex before marriage under her roof, so im giving you the freedom i never had. I dunno if i would be for or against that with my own son/daughter. but i have a bit before i have to make that decision thank you again Ayla
Ayla Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Ok - I understand what she is sayingnow. I personally think that she should go and see a counsellor to get over her problems - it sounds like some men have let her down a lot - which would therefor impact on your relationship. In regards to the letter - just start with Dear X, and then write everything that you are feeling and wanting and wishing. Don't worry about how silly it feels. It will help you - which is the main point of the exercise. Mums are always going to be protective of their sons - especially if they are hurting. My ex's parents are pretty annoyed at him - but that is cos they think he has done the wrong thing. Don't be angry at your Mum - you are her baby and always will e. she just wants you to be happy. My arents had the saem rule, and whilst it was annoying at the time, I now really respect it...although I did break it occasionally ha ha ha Stay strong, and remember anything you do - needs to eb done for you first. x
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 I did mention going to see a counsellor together but she felt that she couldnt talk to a stranger about how she was feeling. personally if it helped i didnt care who i was talking to. So maybe thats still the problem. Its still too raw to talk about. I'll let her deal with it the way she feels is better for her. She has been let down alot in life so far, but i think she felt her fortune had changed when she met me (not being big headed about it at all) and me saying i would never hurt her has obviously topped it off.. I never ment too... I hope the pampering and getting away from it helps her. At that time, i will not contact her at all, its like her holiday if you will and i shall let her heal with her friend. My only hope is that when she does feel that she can see me f2f and talk as friends that she hasnt built that wall any higher or thicker then it i now! Like her mum said, it would be silly not to try as if you didnt you just never would have known. i wrote the letter out on the pc, and im copying it out now. Feels more fluent to type it then write it first for me *since high school i havent wrote in a while due to always using capitals for my job* And i agree it does feel abit better, im writing it as though im writing the letter to her heart, but all the things i want to say to her, feelings, why i want to carry on,things i cant put into spoken words, are in that letter so its not helping me get my message across yet. Untill i ultimatlely give her them at some point, which might or might not happen. It just disappoints me alittle that so many didnt approve of my ex, in some respects i knew it, but it still doesnt make it any easier. As they was willing it to fail from early on. They know she makes me so happy and if that was my child, that is all i could ever wish for. For him/her to be happy. my mother said you know when she is the right one. I knew.. Im just trying to get on with life best possible. The hurt isnt as bad as when it first started off and my tummy isnt as in knots as it was at first so i am healing. Maybe not as fast or as other people would like me too. but thats my choice for ME to make. Thanks for your input again Ayla.. Its turning into the Sonic and Ayla thread this one x
Ayla Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 A counsellor is something for her to work out. I know a few years ago I went through a really tough time and it took me 2 years to work out I needed to talk to someone. Even though people were telling me to - I had to work it out myself. Not being big headed either I think my ex was one of the luckiest men alive to have had me in their life and to have had my love. I told him that too. ha ha ha You can only try - but very very slowly. No pressure, and remember the letters are primarily for you and to help you get through the next few weeks. You never know what will happen. YOU are the main focus in your life at the moment. Take all the time you need to heal - real friends and family will understand that. Why did people disapprove of your ex? Yeah - it does seem to me monopolised by us at the moment. Hopefully I am helping you a little. Helping you helps keep my mind occupied too, otherwise I might go crazy!! x
Author Sonic_chaos Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Yea i totally agree and i think thats why her mum is trying to arrange a meet up with my mums friend, just because she is going through the same and it will help her. It seems to be a family thing vs my friends. Mum,dad brother, auntie all seem to think that im better off out of it. Now my best friends all seem to think she is worth fighting for and they are helping me as much as possible with the break up. they see it as a big thing and that he always saw us together in someway. My family obviously means alot to me, but i also feel that as long as im happy, they are living with her? Even my ex's family and friends are with me on this. I havent contacted her since thursday night and i have seen her online but not spoke to her, Sometimes i feel im being ignorant but i know i musst leave it alone and really resist contacting her. Little steps.. Yes you are being of some help Ayla. You are giving me an outsiders point of view and being in a similar situation is making it even closer i guess. Its just not the classic case of NC, that would have been an easier situation *no it wouldnt but you get what im trying to say* as NC means what it says, its your own urges you need to suppress.. Im suppressing urges to contact but still in contact, trying to work out what she is thinking and my next moves! Been looking at a few threads in the Self improvement bits, about law of attraction, i have also downloaded a few ebooks free which im reading now.. interesting reading so far, and in some ways believed in it alittle.. whether its mumbo jumbo i dunno. Got to be worth a shot x
Author Sonic_chaos Posted May 1, 2009 Author Posted May 1, 2009 Bit more of an update. She has took me off her friends list on Facebook.. I know why and i understand in someway why.. The only reason why i didnt take her off when we split up as she said she wanted to keep friends and i thought with me actually taking that step would seal it for her i wanted nothing more to do with her, Which isnt true. I havent been on for a bit and i have been doing some of the games etc on there which involved her. When to see if she was there, and she isnt. I know this really doesnt mean anything at all. Although for me, internally its another blow, like another step away from her. I havent put any messages that have been calling out to her recently.. Maybe thats one thing she now knows she has a advantage over. But she is one of these people that do take it abit too seriously.. And also it now stops me talking to her on that chat thing. I havent let on to her that i know yet and probably wont, Even though i want to make a song and dance about it, im not.. as it really isnt that big of a deal, in the bigger picture. she has also took all my friends off her list too which she spoke too. Just not long ago txt'd her again to see how she is and havent got a reply yet. Altho, work and stuff.. Maybe it is a time i need to start to let go.
Ayla Posted May 4, 2009 Posted May 4, 2009 Hey Sonic, Sorry I have not been in touch, I was away from a computer for the last week almost. How are you doing???? I am so sorry to hear that you have been deleted of her friends in FB. What do you think the reasons are? In my honest opinion - and is going to hurt, if nothing has changed in the last 4 days - I think you need to start letting go. It is going to be hard. I guess you need to think that is you are meant to be together you will be, if not then everything has happened for a reason. That is how I am trying to move on, I can't understand how my ex changed so quickly and I have not heard from him in 5 weeks - still in my head is "Does he not care at all"...where as I know the reason why. But I keep repeating to myself that if we are meant ot be we will be, and if not everything happens for a reason. Let em know how you are doing. x
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