Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Hi gang, I met this man 3 or so months ago and I've enjoyed getting to know him on-line. We had met before in person, but I connected with him again through e-mail. Over the past few months I had many great conversations with him and got to know him (mainly through e-mail and we met 3 times in person so far). Right from the start he always seemed so busy and it seems to be mentioned in all of his e-mails. He said once this project ended he'd have more time and it did and he's still busy. All of this has begun to hurt me, I feel like I'm not a priority, this is just casual and I'm a part-time thing. I've never come out and said this, but I wondered what I should do. I've really enjoyed talking to him, but I wish he'd make time for me. I know if it were the reverse I would clear my plate for sure in a second. I need some help in wording it too, so that I don't sound needy. I value time together in person rather than e-mail as well. Does anyone think I should just end this as well?
burningashes Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Okay, so you guys aren't exclusive? How would you define your relationship with him? You are a bit vague on where you stand with him, because as far as I'm concerned, if you've only met him 3 times and talked to him mainly through emails, it sounds like you guys are just friends. You aren't at the point where you can ask him to meet your needs if it's just casual as you put it. However, you can mention to him that you wish you could talk to him more because you enjoy having conversations with him. There's not much more you can really do :/
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 A guy that is really into a girl does not make her an option. He's never "too busy." And you can't make him make you a priority, either. Go out and start living your own life - making him an option, as well. Either he'll take notice of the fact that you're less available (and therefore, more desirable) and start making more time, or he'll start to fade. But I will never again make somebody my priority that only makes me an option - it sucks. 1
Author Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Yes, burningashes I do agree that this does sound casual and there's a friendship no doubt, which is good starting point. I met his parents a couple of weeks ago when I happened to be in their town. We've shared a couple of kisses together, but it's hard for me to engage in that, since I never see him. I should mention he lives an hour away, but does work in the same city as me from time to time. I hate to use the distance as an excuse. I would like to tell him how I feel, as I do miss him. I also don't want to waste my time. He appeared to have the same goals as me for this relationship, but wants to take it slow. And SoulSearch_Co you're right it's hard because I do make spending time with him a priority and I need to work on my own life. I'm concerned that if he's too busy now, he'll always be that way. I don't know if I have a right to feel this way since it's only 3 months, but yes I'd hate to take a back seat still 3 months from now. If he called me, I would clear everything and go back out, but yes I want to tell him, "I'm busy now", so that he gets the point. I'm not sure that's a mature way of dealing with it though.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 You have a right to feel any way you want. Saying otherwise compromises your own needs and over-pritorizes his. Leading you to ultimately be in teh state you are now, unhappy and questioning the future. I 100% with SoulSearch. Make him the option. Live your own life. Date other men. There will be other men you connect with.
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Don't settle for someone who isn't putting forth the right amount of effort. I hate it when someone comes up with excuses, I always think it's just a way of letting someone down without feeling bad. Put him on the back burner and move forward. 1
Author Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks dreamergrl and Jersey Shortie. It's hard because I would for sure make time for him and I don't want to do that. It's not fair that I do that when he doesn't do the same. I've never had a relationship before and I'm in my late 20s...he's almost 40. I guess life is just different for him. Should I just ignore his e-mails or should I tell him the truth? If he says "lets meet up" all of a sudden what should my response be? Can I come out and tell him that he doesn't have time for me, and therefore I need to find someone who does? I'm not sure of how to word it.
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 If it were me, I'd send a brief email explaining how I feel and why. And let that be that. I understand it's hard, I've been in your shoes all too many times. It sucks putting yourself out there, only to be treated less then what you deserve, but sometimes you have to suck it up, and move past it.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Charisma, you just need to do it in a way that is direct , honest but shows you have control of yourself and the situation. I HIGHLY suggest you don't say, "well you don't have time for me so I need to find another man." Just tell him you are going to date other men and leave it at that. Leave him wondering and guessing about what you are doing. You've made no promise to him and he has made none to you. You don't owe him justifications and explanations. He will either wise up or bite the dust and if he bites the dust, you really are better off as cliche as that sounds. You might even want to throw in that you are going to date late 20-35 year olds. And just so you know, there are many women that have been in your spot. You might have a certain connection with him that you fear you won't find with another man but you know what? You will. You'll find connection with another man that recipocates it more and it will be even better then what you feel now. I have been there myself. I really fell for a guy that originaly started off as something causual. He made time for me on his terms. I enjoyed the time we spent together, he made me feel good. But slowly each time after our time together, I started to get frustrated and a little resentfull. He was meeting some of my needs, sure. But not enough for me to be statisfied. I got tired of letting his needs be more important then mine. I got to the point where I realized that if he called, I would make room to meet up with him and that wasn't recipocated on his end. I didn't ignore his calls or emails, there was no reason to ignore him. But if he wanted to make plans, especially on short notice, I told him I was busy or would think about it and left it at that. Usually if a man makes plans with you on short notice on a regular basis, it's more about what he wants then what he thinks the woman wants. He of course would conjule me...tell me he really liked me and wanted to spend time together and no doubt we would have more fun together but he wasn't really giving me what I needed. I told him that simply, that I needed something that he wasn't providing right now and that I was going to go out with other men to see if they could meet that challenage. I think he was a little shocked and disappointed but he didn't step up to the plate so ultimately that pretty much told me his true interest level. If your guy wants to meet up suddently you tell him you got other things going on and you'll let him know whe *you* are free. And leave it open. Make him work for it a little. And stay strong. Believe me, I know how hard it is when you like a man but my pride and self respect where a better motivator to sticking to my resolve that some fun with a guy that made me feel good on a short term basis. We want guys that make us feel good most of the time right?
Author Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 I really like what you said about telling him that he isn't providing me with something I need and that I have to date others to see if they are up for that challenge. That does sound accurate, but it's not the sex that I'm looking for, so I hope he won't think that. It's just the whole spending time together and having the companionship that I'm looking for and not e-mail wise. I hope I can clarify that too if he does get in touch with me. Yes, you're right I do need to see other men. I can't clear everything off my plate, even though I know I would to see him. I am making it to easy and he won't be working hard for me at all.
2sunny Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 he's too busy because you aren't HIS priority. don't take it personally. just move on. if it is YOUR priority to find a man that makes time and spends his energy on you then go looking for that and accept nothing less. he's making it perfectly clear that he's got other things going on.
Author Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Yes I know. I've never told him what I wanted from him, I just stood back and waited to see if he was that type of guy. It's funny he describes himself as someone who always puts women first. I think he just meant that in the past, but not so anymore. I did want to let him know because it would make me feel better. I did enjoy our friendship together, but it doesn't look like he can give me any more then what he's given. It'll be a month since we last saw each other and he hasn't had the time.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Yes I know. I've never told him what I wanted from him, I just stood back and waited to see if he was that type of guy. It's funny he describes himself as someone who always puts women first. I think he just meant that in the past, but not so anymore. I did want to let him know because it would make me feel better. I did enjoy our friendship together, but it doesn't look like he can give me any more then what he's given. It'll be a month since we last saw each other and he hasn't had the time.Charisma, his comment might be true but only after he commits. The advice given by previous posters is good. Backburner him and multi-date. He'll feel the withdrawal and move towards you. The only problem is that it becomes a game, which creates a bad dynamic. It's just better to find someone who will instinctively prioritize you.
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Charisma, his comment might be true but only after he commits. The advice given by previous posters is good. Backburner him and multi-date. He'll feel the withdrawal and move towards you. The only problem is that it becomes a game, which creates a bad dynamic. It's just better to find someone who will instinctively prioritize you. Like usual, TBF nails it.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 he's too busy because you aren't HIS priority. don't take it personally. just move on. if it is YOUR priority to find a man that makes time and spends his energy on you then go looking for that and accept nothing less. he's making it perfectly clear that he's got other things going on. Unfortunately this is probably what is going on. If he wants to make time for you he will. I've encountered guys like this and it usually means that they have their eye on someone else. I know that's hard to hear but I think you need to move on. This guy isn't into it.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Sounds like a busy guy. Don't knock the man for it, just move on to someone else who can devote more time to you. Although I am concerned, have you two talked about being exclusive? Are you two official yet? If no to either one of those, then that's probably why you aren't a priority. He's not making time for you because he shouldn't have to if you two aren't exclusive if that's the case.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Like usual, TBF nails it. Thanks dreamergrl. Dating is like a dance. You each make moves towards each other. If one person isn't moving towards you, then it doesn't build that level of trust. People hold back for reasons, reasons which might or might not have anything to do with you. But...they're still reasons that prevent getting closer, reasons that should make you sit up, take notice and reconsider.
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks dreamergrl. Dating is like a dance. You each make moves towards each other. If one person isn't moving towards you, then it doesn't build that level of trust. People hold back for reasons, reasons which might or might not have anything to do with you. But...they're still reasons that prevent getting closer, reasons that should make you sit up, take notice and reconsider. Very much agreed. Also, in time those reasons could change, but then you have to ask yourself if it's worth waiting for, or re-visiting when the time comes.
MeMyself&I Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I want to thank Charisma for this post. It was helpful. I'm kinda going through the same thing and have a tendency to zero in on one guy when I like him and miss the other options out there. Thank you, I think I need to give a guy who gave me his number last weekend a call and be a little more "busy" when the guy I'm interested in calls (last-minute) like usual!! Good luck Charisma
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 People hold back for reasons, reasons which might or might not have anything to do with you. But...they're still reasons that prevent getting closer, reasons that should make you sit up, take notice and reconsider. Bingo. Whatever the reason, if a guy isn't giving you what you need and/or want, it's time to rethink the relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Bingo. Whatever the reason, if a guy isn't giving you what you need and/or want, it's time to rethink the relationship.Yes. I've been in this situation before and learned something about myself. No one wants to believe that the other person isn't all in. It's a pride thing. But when it happens, you have to swallow your pride and be honest with yourself, that it's time to pack up your marbles and find someone else.
v g Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I want to thank Charisma for this post. It was helpful. I'm kinda going through the same thing and have a tendency to zero in on one guy when I like him and miss the other options out there. I feel the same way, MeMyself&I. Thanks, Charisma. Like usual, TBF nails it. TBF, you do always nail it. Thanks!
Author Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 All of you are right and thanks for the great advice. I've never told him how I felt about all this, maybe he thinks I like it this way, since I said I wanted to take it slow and he couldn't jump right back in either. I do think I need to tell him and take the risk of sharing my feelings and let him know how I want to be treated. Since we met not a week goes by that I don't get an e-mail from him or even several, so at least he's checking in. I'm not sure if he's with anyone else because we've only been together 3 times, due him living an hour way. I bascially wanted to tell him in an e-mail that I value our friendship, enjoy our conversations but wish I could see him more and spend time together. I also wanted to let him know that I couldn't continue with it like this because my needs weren't being met entirely. I needed to see other people who could rise to the challenge. I hope this is fair and is okay to send.
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Charisma, it's not friendship you're looking for, so why throw out the friendship card?
Author Charisma Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 That's right I haven't talked about being exclusive due to the fact we haven't spent enough time together and I didn't want to bring that up yet. I've never had a relationship before, so everything's new to me, I'm not even sure how to bring that one up. I just didn't want to be too needy or clingy but not seeing him in person for almost a month has hurt me. I actually do miss him. All I have are a whole bunch of e-mails over the course of time. Lots of them.
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