lando Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I broke up with my girlfriend the other day. My head is telling me that I made the absolute right decision, but my heart is really hurting over it. I know I definetely still care about her, and if she is to be trusted to her word, then she cares about me, even though I feel like her actions tell a different story. I moved to another city (which is a few hours away) almost two months ago to be with my dad who is terminally ill, and at about the same time, she started a job that has pretty much taken over her life. It had been a few weeks since i'd seen her. Since she works so much, our usual contact throughout the day would be the odd text message. At first this really bugged me, because I like more contact that just that. However, we talked about it, and everything got better. Anyways, last weekend I had to go back up to my old city to get some stuff done, visit friends, and see her. Don't get me wrong, I had to go up there regardless, but I really wanted to see her. We talked about it beforehand, and we planned to spend saturday evening and some of sunday before I had to head home. BTW, sunday is her only day off. Well, saturday morning first thing I get a text from her, saying she has to cancel our plans, because she'll be too exhausted from work, and has way too much stuff to get caught up on (because she works so much). This really upset me! I offered to even stay an extra day, but that idea didn't work... She said she needed a day to herself to get rested up before work on monday. I know her reasons are legit, but I know that if the situation were reversed, I would have made the time for her no matter what. It really just felt like she just didn't care that much. I mean.. It's already been 3 weeks, and i've made the effort, and who knows when i'd get to see her again. I told her she had let me down, and it was all because she was overworked. I then told her that I can't be in a relationship with her if she's too engulfed with everything else in her life to have any room for me. She said she understood and agreed with me. I know she needs this job, even if it means she has no time for anything else, so basically I felt I knew where I stood. Did I do the right thing or did I over-react? I mean, I know things simply just shouldn't work unless both sides are making an equal effort, but was our cancelled plans really the end of the world? I personally feel that any effort to see eachother, in a situation like ours, shouldn't be passed up. I haven't stopped thinking about it, and i'd like some opinions.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 You know, you asked her to put efforts into the relationship, but here you are breaking up at the first sign of trouble. Now if you had really wanted the relationship to work, you wouldn't have jumped the gun after only 3 weeks of non-contact. I think you were being selfish. She had to work, and it wasn't that she was putting you in last place. But you also can't expect her to put you in first place just because you're the bf.
Author lando Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 When you put it that way, it really does make it look like I was being selfish. Yes she works a ton, and yes she needs the job right now. I certainly felt like I was being put in last place, and that never feels good. There are two sides to a coin, though.. Some people would agree that people that are always understanding and forgiving just end up getting taken advantage of in the end. I am both understanding and forgiving, and I certainly have been taken advantage of in the past. Do I think that this girl is/was trying to take advantage of me? No, I don't.. I really wanted everything to work with this girl, I wouldnt' have even tried long distance if I didn't, but I don't want to feel like i'm making excuses for her either. I'm wondering if I should try to talk to her.
shine_on Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I would have been really upset by her behaviour too. I don't think that you were asking too much of your girlfriend for wanting to see her for the first time in two weeks. She should want to see you too. Fair enough she is tired, but some of the most fun times I've had with my boyfriend have just been hanging out, lazing around and doing nothing. And you have problems too, with your Dad being ill and everything. She should want to support you. I think she was trying to pull away from the relationship, I am sorry to say. My three year relationship just ended. We were in an LDR too for five weeks only. He just didn't make the effort with calls and texts as much as I would have liked, but said that he loved me, he cared, he missed me. And then one day, he became distant and aloof, ignored my calls, until I begged him to just talk to me. He finally called to put me out of my misery and said that it just wasn't working although he really really loved me. I asked him, why wasn't he straight with me and just tell me, and he said that he didn't know how and didn't know what to say. Who knows what was going on in your girlfriends head. Distance is tough, and it is such a hard way to end things. Maybe the job stress and distance was too much for her, and maybe she just felt things weren't working out and she didn't know how to tell you. Maybe you should talk to her. But then what do I know, I have a broken heart too Chin up my dear, it'll get better.
Author lando Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 I agree that it's understandable to be upset, but I can't say that I reacted well. She has been very supportive of me and my move, alot more supportive than I can say i've been for her. Despite the fact that her job requires her work a lot, it's exactly what she needs to get herself out of debt and ahead in life. Even still, you're right, she should want to see me, and although i'm sure she did, her actions could very easily be interpreted otherwise. I believe that the right thing to do is to talk with her, and i'm going to do so.
shine_on Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Yes, talk to her definately, especially if you really flew off the handle. I assumed from your original post that she was aloof and unsupportive generally. I'm sure you can work it out.
froufrou Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I can't believe how much this sounds like my breakup....the only difference is, we live 5 minutes away from each other, but his job still takes all of his time. I've not been selfish until the last 2 weeks, when I would sit and wait for his call, and it would never come. I'd expect to see him, so I'd stay up till midnight (or later), but he was too tired, or he'd forget to call....It's hard being on this end of that sort of relationship. My fella and I are REALLY good together in every other area -- we don't fight, we have tons of fun together, we 'get' each other, we respect each other, we're compatible....but he's feeling stretched too thin with work that he doesn't think he can be a boyfriend right now. And maybe that's how your girl is feeling. Maybe you can show her you're being supportive by giving her a little space to focus on her work, and then in a week or so send her an email to let her know she's on your mind, and if she has some time, you'd love to talk to her...but let it be her timing so you're not adding more stress to her already crazy life. I don't know. Maybe I'm completely wrong here.
Author lando Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Froufrou, your situation does sound almost identical to mine! Her and I are really great together, but it seems to me that i'm creating drama by taking things very personally. The thing about her work, is that she knows she needs that job right now, even though it takes so much out of her. We've already talked about all this.. She doesn't want to keep the job for that long, but she wants to get ahead, and I can't blame her for that. I hope to get everything out on the table and sorted out.
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