Land Shark Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 This has been bugging me lately. Something got it on my mind. What do you all think? I say the woman should say it the first few times.
ColorCube Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 For maximum effect it should be said while pummeling her from behind with her face buried in the pillow
Author Land Shark Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 For maximum effect it should be said while pummeling her from behind with her face buried in the pillow That's what I'm talking about: "Oh yeah! Take it! Have some more!! I'm loving you right now for sure, honey!!"
Sibyl Vane Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I say the man should say it the first few times.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I let the guy say it first. I said it first in my first sexual relationship and it turned out very bad. He did say it back to me, but looking back it was WAY too soon. Chicks tend to be more emotional - guys tend to be more logical. Therefore, the guy should say it first. I think it means more when HE says it first.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I'm emotionally incapable of saying those words first. I can't make it come out of mouth and mean it.
samspade Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Again with this? Female says it first. The man takes the lead in asking out, going in for the first kiss, etc. The woman pushes the exclusivity envelope and says the L-word first. The man should only say it in response to the woman, and even then use it sparingly. This should be common sense for guys. If you tell a woman you love her and she has not considered it, you're on your way to trouble. Most men who say it first are the ones desperate for affection and approval. When a woman says it it means she is comfortable with the idea. As a man, you should not be so eager to push these things; you should be happy with or without love in your life. Any talk about the man "taking the lead" and "manning up" does not apply here - this is an emotional pivot, not an action. Show her you love her with your actions, and she'll tell you she loves you with her words. As for women saying a man should say it first, file this under "don't listen to what they say, watch what females do." The woman has ALWAYS said it to me first. There are always exceptions, but this is my two cents.
serial muse Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Apparently, depending on what gender you are, you think the other gender should say it first. Basically, nobody wants to be the one to do it first, because it feels emotionally risky and nobody wants to get burned, of course. Such is life.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Agree with Seriel Muse. I think both sides can "rationalize" why the other side should say it first. No one wants to be left vunerable or showing their heart on their sleave. The person that should say it first is the person that thinks of it first. As long as you are in a stable relationship that you think is working towards progressing. The man should only say it in response to the woman, and even then use it sparingly. Why do you think men should use the "L" word sparingly? I mean, I'm not saying he should say it every 5 minutes but what is the rationalizing between withholding and giving out something sparingly?
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I don't think saying ILY makes one vulnerable. Conversely, the more I share it with the people I love, the stronger I feel, the more confident. I give them this little gift, the gift of knowing they are on my mind and valuable to me. They can do whatever they want with that gift. It's free
Lauriebell82 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 The man should say it first I think. My SO's have always been the first to say it. I think I'd be afraid that I would say it too soon and it would scare him. The "when" part depends on the couple. Some people say it real early, some late. It's all about the right timing and the right moment.
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I don't think it matters if the guy says it first or the girl says it first. If you feel it you should say it.
samspade Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Why do you think men should use the "L" word sparingly? I mean, I'm not saying he should say it every 5 minutes but what is the rationalizing between withholding and giving out something sparingly? I believe the less it's used, the more power it holds. Say it too often, and you will render it virtually meaningless. I know people say "It would be great if he told me he loves me every day!" but it in practice, I don't think that would be as fulfilling as saving it for a really meaningful moment. (I feel the same way about gift-giving.) By "sparingly" I don't mean once per presidential administration or anything extreme like that. Just....choose your spots wisely. A man's actions can demonstrate these things better than his words, in any case.
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Someday you'll realize relationships aren't about power. Hopefully, before you die What I'm hearing is a methodology. Intimacy isn't a method. Getting laid perhaps is. It all depends where your priorities are
samspade Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Someday you'll realize relationships aren't about power. Hopefully, before you die I did not mean power in the sense of having power over someone else. What I meant was that the words hold more power, or meaning. And to say there is no methodology is incorrect, in my opinion. There are plenty of things a person can do wrong in a relationship, that he or she learns from and corrects in future relationships. It doesn't sound romantic, but it's part of the learning process. This occurs at all stages of a relationship, not just in the "getting laid" part. If you went through the posts on LS and grouped the posters' situations into different stages of a relationship, you would probably find a lot more consistencies in human behavior than exceptions to those consistencies. (If such a study were possible.) That's why the same majority opinions get repeated over and over again. Unfortunately, people are conditioned to believe a lot of falsehoods because of societal pressures, their upbringing, popular culture, etc. Anyway, the only "power" I believe someone should have is his or her independence, and willingness to be alone if necessary. That's power over one's own self, not another. The power you describe is manipulation and exploitation, which I do not endorse.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I believe the less it's used, the more power it holds. Say it too often, and you will render it virtually meaningless. Would you apply the same theory to sex in a relationship? The more you have, the less pleasurable and meaningless it becomes? Maybe if men are going to hold out on saying "I love you" a woman should hold out on giving sex? I know some women that hold out on the sex sometimes under the same reasoning you are suggesting a man deny saying "I love you" to a woman, that making that person work of it and being unsure when they will get the next "I love you" or sexual experience with their partner makes it more "special" when it does happen. I'm not saying that a man should say it everyday either but "using it sparingly" might be denying your woman her needs. Just as a woman providing sex "sparingly" under the guise that it makes it more special and makes him want it more when it does happen, might be denying her man's needs.
Star Gazer Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Either gender should say it first, when it feels right to them. As for when, I've always found a sweet spontaneous moment best. My BF said it to me atop a steep pitch while skiing, as I stood there quivering at the height, and right before I made my first (terrifying) turn. It gave me some serious confidence to make it down!
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 The power you describe is manipulation and exploitation, which I do not endorse. If you consciously apply rules to your actions, based on your desire to achieve a goal, even a benevolent one, it's a methodology. Nothing wrong with that if you admit that it's your truth. The karmic part comes in when you behave in one way and believe in another way. Do you believe, when you tell a woman (or anyone for that matter) that you love her/them, you give up some power over yourself? Do you feel a transfer of power? What's the fundamental psychology at work here?
Ruby Slippers Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Apparently, depending on what gender you are, you think the other gender should say it first. Basically, nobody wants to be the one to do it first, because it feels emotionally risky and nobody wants to get burned, of course. Such is life. Yep. I have NEVER said it first, and doubt I ever will. My reasons have been explained here more than once. Would you apply the same theory to sex in a relationship? The more you have, the less pleasurable and meaningless it becomes? Exactly what I was thinking! Blow jobs should be given sparingly, so each one is worth more. It's the same principle. They say if a man ain't gettin' it at home, he'll get it somewhere else. Same applies to a woman and love. Don't communicate that you love her and she'll get tired of your lameness and seek it elsewhere.
samspade Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 If you consciously apply rules to your actions, based on your desire to achieve a goal, even a benevolent one, it's a methodology. Nothing wrong with that if you admit that it's your truth. The karmic part comes in when you behave in one way and believe in another way. I did admit as much, in fact. But it's not my truth - it's the truth. I'm not being dishonest in my approach, I just believe in learning from mistakes and applying knowledge to future endeavors. I know that takes the mystery out of romance for a lot of people, but I prefer to seek the truth than to pretend love is just something that's "meant to be." Do you believe, when you tell a woman (or anyone for that matter) that you love her/them, you give up some power over yourself? Do you feel a transfer of power? What's the fundamental psychology at work here? I see what you are getting at here, but no. I think I used to, but that was when I was more willing to supplicate myself in order to "win" a woman's approval and love - something that often resulted in heartbreak. Now, when I say the words, it's when I know that I mean them, and I know that they have been earned. Like I said, it's not about wielding power over someone else...it's about having power over yourself, which is the only power I need. And as I said, I used the word "power" in reference to the words "I love you" in the sense that they are deliver more meaning the less they are used. Would you apply the same theory to sex in a relationship? The more you have, the less pleasurable and meaningless it becomes? Maybe if men are going to hold out on saying "I love you" a woman should hold out on giving sex? I know some women that hold out on the sex sometimes under the same reasoning you are suggesting a man deny saying "I love you" to a woman, that making that person work of it and being unsure when they will get the next "I love you" or sexual experience with their partner makes it more "special" when it does happen. First of all, yes, too much of anything dilutes the pleasure you will derive from it. Even sex. I don't eat steak for every meal, and I don't always want to be having sex. I don't get massages every day. There are plenty of things that I love to do that I don't overdo. Heck, anyone who's ever masturbated knows not to overdo it. You get diminishing returns. But I never said anyone should "hold out" on anything to get what they want. I said to use the words sparingly; maybe that was a poor choice of words. How about "with discretion"? I'm not advocating making a partner "work for it" - love OR sex. If you're going out of your way to deprive your partner of something you both want so you can get something you want in return, you're just being manipulative. Yes, I said that the words have to be "earned" above (probably another semantic misstep), but they are earned voluntarily, because a partner WANTS to do all of those things for you to build that kind of a connection...not because you are dangling a carrot in front of her or "holding out" on her. When I say those words, I want them to pack some punch. "Love" gets thrown around like so much confetti by some people. To me, I am telling someone "I care for you and trust you as I do my own flesh and blood." It's kind of a big deal to me. Yet how many times have we seen someone on Loveshack say "She cheated on me....but she tells me she loves me." Maybe the words on their own are all some people need to hear, but for me, the words have to be backed fully by my intentions, or I won't say them.
CandyGirlXO Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I say the man should say it the first few times. Agree here! I would NEVER say it first. My BF and I are going on 4-5 months and still have not said it.
samspade Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Don't communicate that you love her and she'll get tired of your lameness and seek it elsewhere. See what I said above. There are plenty of people who communicate "I love you" verbally who don't back it up - in fact, they behave in exactly the opposite manner. Actions speak louder than words.
anne1707 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Does it really matter who says it first? As long as it is meant then that is all that really matters. To not say it because you are waiting for him/her to say it first is just playing a game. If you feel the need to do that with someone, do you really love them or even care about them?
CandyGirlXO Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Does it really matter who says it first? As long as it is meant then that is all that really matters. To not say it because you are waiting for him/her to say it first is just playing a game. If you feel the need to do that with someone, do you really love them or even care about them? I won't say it, not because I am playing some game, but because I am terrified.
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Any correlation between the progression of sexual activity and saying ILY? I'm kinda wondering how those who are "holding out" on ILY are conversing regarding and/or sharing their feelings around lovemaking....oops, there's that word
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