gavinus Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Basically we went out for 3 years. She had anger problems which she took out on me. 3 months later we met up (last week). She has been going to therapy and has apologized for who she was with me. We talked about getting to know each other again.......she told me after speaking to her therapist today, that her therapist advised her to not date just me but date a few people instead. After speaking in person to my ex she said she would like to do that. She then told me that I should look at the reasons I dated her and maybe I should date other people too. She said if she did not like me, she would not see me at all. Should I go along with this?? It hurts me a lot. thanks in advance
Biker2007 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Gavinus, It's great that your X is getting therapy, but I have a hard time believing that the solution is for her to date multiple people after you have put in 3 years together. If she really cares about you, then I would think that the two of you would be in therapy together... Sounds more like she is trying to keep you as an option. I will borrow a quote or paraphrase from Caliguy...I will not make someone a priority that considers me an option!" She then told me that I should look at the reasons I dated her and maybe I should date other people too. I would look at the reasons why you should get back together instead...what has changed to make the next try work. And the last part of her comment is a rationalization for keeping you as a back up plan! I do not know if it is my pride that will not allow me to be someone's plan B, but I know I have to keep my self respect. If you don't, how can she respect you? Good luck!
Author gavinus Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 thankyou, I also remember she told me she stayed with me for 3 years because she was scared to be alone, make a mistake etc, (sigh) she just sent me another text acting nice, and saying she will call me tmw. My decision is to not agree to her!! Should I call her with my decision to not be a backup plan and have a happy life? text her that or go back to NC?? advice would be great, cheers
Biker2007 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I also remember she told me she stayed with me for 3 years because she was scared to be alone.That is not a good enough reason to date somebody. It serves no purpose other than to satisfy her selfish wants. I read some of your earlier posts and the X sounds like she is very narcissistic. The X that brought me to LS also suffered from that trait. She took the phrase, "It's all about me" to a whole new level. As far as your next steps, don't settle for BS attempts on her part to string you along. You did spend 3 years together, so I would have some kind of final discussion for your closure. If she does call tomorrow, then I would offer to meet at some neutral place where you can talk freely. Just say what you need to say and be done w/ it so that you don't have any regrets. I would keep the meeting brief, and basically say, "that I care for you but I am not an option. After 3 years, I deserve better." If she still wants to play the field, wish her well and say good luck. Go NC. No need to announce anything to her. Just do it. Now it is about you. My last piece of advice is from a quote in the movie, "The Last Kiss". - Stop talking about love. Every a-hole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. - While you try to figure out if you and your X have any chance, all you can do is look at her actions. Do her actions say that she cares for you? I have seen countless friends in bad relationships. The one constant is that their X's actions never match their words! If you choose to let this linger much longer, it's no longer her fault. It's yours! I say this not to be harsh, but to keep you from wasting time on a losing situation. I have made that mistake before, and it sucks.
Author gavinus Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 thanks she is at work at the moment, I was going to just leave a message on her answerphone, say goodbye and unplug all my phones, becuase I know she will start to twist what she said, is that cowardly? I need peace
Biker2007 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Wait for her to contact you. From her past history, it sounds like she will. When she does contact you, try to meet w/ her to talk. If she says that she is busy or gives excuses, just say goodbye over the phone and be done w/ it. Take control and do not let her interrupt you. Try to stay calm and keep your emotions in check. I know that part will not be easy. I would not leave a message saying goodbye. Take the highroad and treat the relationship w/respect. Even if she did not. At least you can find your peace and live without regret about her.
Author gavinus Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 ok, thanks for your advice i will let u know how I go,
Author gavinus Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 change of plan, I need time out, I will go away for a couple of days, and sort it when I get back
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