Eyeofthoth Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I have been dating this guy for about three months and my 15 year old son really doesn't like him. He told me the BF "acts like a two year old." Truth is the BF is a bit childlike and goofy, but I find it more charming than annoying. He has a lot of good qualities, but on the other hand, I'm not sure myself whether or not we will make it long-term since I am a little concerned about his drinking, etc. We are middle-aged, not kids ourselves. Anyway I don't know yet whether or not this is a problem for me. My kid is really tough and doesn't like too many people. He did like my last BF, who was really quiet and sweet, and who I loved incredibly, but that guy dumped me . So . . . you can't always get what you want. I have two kids, this one and a younger one. They both live with me most of the time, so keeping the relationships completely separate really isn't an option. My question is: Is it doomed? How do I separate my own feelings from my kid's, and how much do I let a kid control who I see or don't see? If this doesn't work out I think I will quit dating until my 11 year has gone to college (and I will be pretty old by then, so probably then I will just switch to cats and be the old cat lady). It is just too stressful trying to date as a single mother with kids. But not dating as a single mother with kids is lonely and depressing. Anybody?
neowulf Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Difficult situation. There seem to be a couple of different camps on this. Just to quickly lay them out; a) Your a mother first and foremost and your children *must* come first. There are those who woudl argue that when you became a mother, you became a package deal. Anyone dating you has to at least *get along* with your child. If your child *hates* your boyfriend, that's going to become an issue for you guys if it becomes serious later on. You may decide you really don't want the complication. b) You're still a person, not *just* a mother. If you're unhappy / depressed, it'll make being a good parent difficult. You're still you. Even as a mother. Even though you're responsible for your child, you're more than "just" a mother. You deserve to find some happiness for yourself. There's also a strong possiblity that your son is simply acting out his frustrations on whom *ever* you choose to date. It won't really matter who you end up with, because he simply resents them for dating you in the first place. Sitting down with your son (and perhaps a professional counsellor) to talk about these kinds of things might be a good place to start. Good luck.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks neowulf -- I have always pretty much operated in the "kids come first" camp. But yeah, I do need an adult life of my own. Also, the BF is really trying, so I feel like this deserves a chance. The BF is outgoing and gregarious, which I believe reminds my son of his dad, and he does not get along with his dad at all. I think that is the crux of the issue. He liked the former boyfriend who was really quiet and sensitive and nothing like his dad. It also sucks that the former boyfriend really bonded with my son and then just took off suddenly after a year and a half with not so much as a goodbye to the kid. Now that I think about it, that could have something to do with it too. He has already given one person a chance and that turned out badly. I was heartbroken and he was abandoned. So why should he let another person in . . . Damn. This is going to be tough.
7117 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Ok my sister has dated a guy for about 2 years and my nephew sounds alot like your son. He is tough minded and is 14 years old.I would say your son wants to be first in your life and would only take a minor step back to someone he really likes being your ex.I don't know the time period between the boyfriend now and your ex but it may be to soon.Your son may not find things funny that you do being the drinking or other things maybe he doesn't think he is mature enough for you.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 You are so right that he wants to be No. 1. Time between the ex BF and this one was about eight months, but I didn't introduce him to the kids for the first two months, so really almost a year.
MN randomguy Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I have been dating this guy for about three months and my 15 year old son really doesn't like him. He told me the BF "acts like a two year old." Truth is the BF is a bit childlike and goofy, but I find it more charming than annoying. He has a lot of good qualities, but on the other hand, I'm not sure myself whether or not we will make it long-term since I am a little concerned about his drinking, etc. We are middle-aged, not kids ourselves. Anyway I don't know yet whether or not this is a problem for me. I think you son has it right. I know there is a tendency for kids "especially boys" to not like the guy who's banging their mom when dad isn't around. HOwever, this isn't the case if he liked the last BF. I think that his emotions aren't involved and he's viewing this guy as not good head of the household material for him and the younger sibling. I don't think is so long until your kids are grown. I for sure wouldn't date someone with a drinking problem with kids so close to dating age. You've gotta think about your kids first and be a good role model.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 You could be right MN. But I don't know how to tell whether or not he has a "drinking problem" or just likes to drink. I drink myself, but I am very moderate about it. He drinks more heavily, but I haven't seen any classic problem behavior yet. Actually the last BF drank a lot too. In fact my kid referred to him as "the Irish drunk." But that is just harsh and the way he talks. He is really hard on people in general and would definitely be even harder on anyone I am dating. There was never any problem behavior due to drinking from the former BF, and the kid really liked him. So I don't think that is the difference between the two guys, but the drinking is a very confusing and troublesome topic for me. I don't want to be overly judgmental, but yeah, I definitely don't want a problem drinker around my kids either. In any event, no guy is coming in to be "head of household." They are my kids and I am keeping that job for myself no matter what.
Recommended Posts