Sunflower17 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri][/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]We were involved eight years ago and it ended when he broke my heart. He was a player and wasn’t ready to settle down. I got re-involved w/him two years ago after a break up….he was single then. It was a summer fling of sorts and in the fall I started dating someone and he started dating someone. He texted me every month of my relationship to see me while he was seeing her. I never saw him during my relationship but also never told him that I had a boyfriend. My relationship ended when I caught my bf cheating on me and a few months later I became re-involved w/him even though I knew he had a gf. I never thought it would last between them but they engaged 8 months ago. He’s getting married in 2.5 months and he texts me every one to two weeks to see me. I’ve tried ending it a million times but he keeps pursuing and he finds me at my weakest. I have even blocked him from my phone sometimes so I don’t see him. I told him no last Wednesday night. I didn’t want to see him on Sat night but texted me ten times during my dinner to see him. I feel so torn when I hear from him – like I want to see him even though I know that I shouldn’t. I’ve just never felt such passion for another person. I felt badly when she started calling him when he was with me and he told her that he was out w/his friends. He snuck out of their apartment to see me at 10:30. I had a panic attack when he was over. I have told him not to get married bc you don’t treat someone you love like this. He says it’s more like a companionship and that there isn’t much passion between them. He still says that he will stop when he gets married. I am so conflicted over telling her. He hurt me years ago when we were involved and I told myself that I took my heart off the table then but I think I still see him bc I must care and I hate that. I don’t know how to get out of this. I am going out and dating people and hope that I meet someone that I care about so I stop seeing him. I want the guilt to go away and I don’t know how to deal with it. Some days I want to write her a letter and tell her and some days I tell myself not to get involved. He says she has no idea. I don’t know how she doesn’t – where did she think he was when he left her asleep for three hours on a sat night?[/FONT][/sIZE]
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I’ve tried ending it a million times but he keeps pursuing and he finds me at my weakest. You need help with distancing yourself from this man that is clearly no good. The only way I can see to get this help in ending things with him, is to tell his fiancé the truth about this man. Undoubtedly she will try patch things up with him, and he will leave you alone. He needs to learn this lesson if he is to be a decent man. So you will actually be helping him. If you continue to keep this affair a secret from her, you are allowing him to get away with it, and to suffer NO consequences... therefore he has no incentive to change. And believe me, nothing will change between you and him after he gets married... he is addicted to this kind of behavior and you are a sitting duck for his attention... you cannot find the strength to end it with him, and he simply wouldn't do that because he likes the set up he has! Do him a favor, tell his girl. Do yourself a favor, never get involved with him again, since you are not worth him devoting himself to you full time, nor is any woman actually -- he has a serious character flaw. You are setting yourself up for severe heart break and ache... your only way out is to tell her about his actions. Do it, be strong.
RinClavin Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I'm not always an advocate of telling the BW, but in this case I agree with Athena. It's the best option for all three. Let's establish what we know about your guy. He cheated on you 8 years ago. He got re-involved with you and continued keep you as a side dish even though he was dating someone else. He got engaged to the other person while still seeing you as nothing more than something extra. The whole time he's doing to his fiance what he did to you 8 years ago. He is a serial cheater. He will never be happy in a monogamous relationship, and as such has no right to enter into a MARRIAGE. SHE deserves to know that he has a pattern of cheating before she commits her life to him. As for you. You are not being spiteful if you tell her in this case. It can't be in the hope that he leaves her FOR you... because you know now from both perspectives that he will always find someone else on the side. You need to expose him to his fiance, and never become involved with him again. By bringing him out into the open you will kill the excitement he feels from the secrecy of cheating, give her the chance to make an informed decision, and hopefully take yourself out of the equation completely.
Author Sunflower17 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I don't want to be with him. I know that people don't change. I think part of the reason I have continued seeing him was so that I understand why men cheat. I have had my heart broken twice before by catching someone who claimed to have loved me cheat on me. I always left wondering and asking them "WHY?". I even ask him why he does it and he says he likes the diversity, that the passion isn't there anymore and his attraction towards me. So many times I have said that we have to stop and he agrees and then texts me the next week. How do I tell her? A letter? A call? Do i have to admit to being the other woman? I know she is going to hate me and I don't blame her. I think about her everyday. I see him bc I'm being selfish and I dont know her but that doesn't make it right. Its a fun high when i am with him and I'm comfortable w/him. he's like a habit I can't break. I bring her up all the time and keep asking him why why why. I'm losing sleep over her. If she wants to work it out with him, thats fine too bc at least she is walking into the marriage knowing the truth. i know i have to tell her bc i know if i don't someday she will find out and by that time, she might have invested years of her life into this....but then sometimes i think that MAYBE he will change when they get married and no one gets hurt if she doesn't know.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 No, he wont change after marriage -- if anything he will just get bolder because he has her more committed to him. He is a TYPICAL serial cheater! And most of them do not change. The ones that do, only change from WANTING to change... not because of external reasons such as a g/f, or fiancé, or marriage. You need to tell her in whichever way works for you. And yes, you tell her you're the OW and you apologize... and then you answer her questions truthfully and move on. Perhaps a phone call would be best.... so no physical violence can ensue... and also to help you 'save face'... it might be easier for you to do this by phone and not in her physical presence -- you may not like the look of hurt on her face. And - I wouldn't suggest doing it by email... but, the bottom line is to let her know the facts of her relationship before she unwittingly commits to a lifetime of hurt and pain without warning.
Author Sunflower17 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 I don't have her phone number. I know where she works and I guess I could call her during work and say "hi, i have been seeing your fiance behind your back for over a year and i just wanted you to know what you are marrying bc I feel guilty". Am I really saving face this way or am I just opening myself up to more people hating me? What does it say about my character for the fact that I have been involved with him for a year during their relationship and just telling her now. There was a moment last summer where I was with her in a bathroom and I had my bb next to me with all his text messages. I wanted to show her but held back bc i didn't want to hurt her. Its just a physical thing is what I keep telling myself and she will figure it out on her own. I thought sending a letter and telling her what has been happening and encourage to check his cell phone records if she has doubt. She is going to hate me whether I tell her or somemone else tells her. I fear i have more downside if I tell her directly. I don't know. I also fear him hating me if he finds out that I told her and fear his wrath more than I do hers. I don't know her but I've known him my entire life - we grew up together. If he finds out that I did this, he is going to feel betrayed by me and hate me forever. He's not an evil person -- he's just gotten away with so much from women that he's almost a victim of his own success. I'm probably the only OW out there who hopes that I don't hear from him and that he commits to her for life. I want for his happiness even if I hate what we have been doing. I sent him a text after he left that I don't think he's going in the right direction and that she deserves more. Whats wrong with me that I feel empathy towards her but yet I am part of the crime. I have felt guilty for months but I still cave and see him. He's a bad habit i can't kick.
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