I miss my husband...:(

[Dexter Morgan]

I mean, why should I care about the xOW's feelings? Why should I care about what happens to her? She is the xOW for godsakes! right?

 

Right. You shouldn't care one bit about her feelings. She didn't care about yours.

 

And you shouldn't blame yourself for your H's death. As tragic as it is, the fear of what someone might do to themselves should not factor in whether you decide to stay with him or part ways.

 

I am sorry for your pain, but it is not your fault. As far as the people that "hate" you...his family..his friends....what did they expect? That you should be ok with what he did and that you should have kept him no matter what?

[bentnotbroken]

You aren't responsible for any of his actions. Drinking and driving was also his choice, just as cheating was. I am sorry for your pain, maybe you should keep his parents from the child if they feel that way. I wouldn't want them to tell the child that nonsense.

[laine_B]

Right. You shouldn't care one bit about her feelings. She didn't care about yours.

 

But I do, Dexter Morgan. Because she is another human being. Is it not bad enough the many people are indifferent to the pain of others?

 

And you shouldn't blame yourself for your H's death. As tragic as it is, the fear of what someone might do to themselves should not factor in whether you decide to stay with him or part ways.

 

But I have not even decided yet. I reacted emotionally and said things that were hurtful.

 

That you should be ok with what he did and that you should have kept him no matter what?

 

No, I do not think that's what they expected from me. But I think since I was the one not under the influence, I should not have asked him to leave.

Meaning, I should have had a better handle of it since I was not drunk.

[laine_B]

You aren't responsible for any of his actions. Drinking and driving was also his choice, just as cheating was. I am sorry for your pain, maybe you should keep his parents from the child if they feel that way. I wouldn't want them to tell the child that nonsense.

 

Thank you..but keeping my daughter from my in-laws is the kind of unkindness that makes things worse.

[Athena]

Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan View Post

Right. You shouldn't care one bit about her feelings. She didn't care about yours.

But I do, Dexter Morgan. Because she is another human being. Is it not bad enough the many people are indifferent to the pain of others?

 

 

Is it possible, that its not what you think? Perhaps xOW is not crying and sobbing over his gravestone on the anniversary of his death because she misses him... but FROM GUILT. Perhaps SHE TOO BLAMES HERSELF for his death... that if she had NOT gotten involved with him, he wouldn't have gotten killed that night... and -- furthermore -- how do you know if your parents in law didn't meet with her and, after verifying the affair with her, place more blame on HER doorstep for the death of their son?!

You don't know, do you?

[laine_B]

Is it possible, that its not what you think? Perhaps xOW is not crying and sobbing over his gravestone on the anniversary of his death because she misses him... but FROM GUILT. Perhaps SHE TOO BLAMES HERSELF for his death... that if she had NOT gotten involved with him, he wouldn't have gotten killed that night... and -- furthermore -- how do you know if your parents in law didn't meet with her and, after verifying the affair with her, place more blame on HER doorstep for the death of their son?!

You don't know, do you?

 

I never thought about that! Thank you. It does not make it easier, though. I hope she finds peace and moves on, as I will, someday.

[Athena]

Yes, it seems everything around me reminds me of him. Sometimes I am angry that he died and left me and our daughter. Sometimes, I am angry that someone else (xOW) is mourning him and misses him almost the same way I do. Other times, I am glad somebody else loved him, almost as much as I loved him ( why wouldn't she? ).

It has been 3 years and a half since he died.

 

Yes, it may not make things 'any easier' but perhaps it will help you with the above... so that you don't feel angry that 'someone else is mourning him and missing him almost the same way you do' -- that she may be stricken by guilt and grief at playing a role in what led to the death of a decent family man... of course it is not her fault that your H died, but at least you will not be imagining that she loved him like you did...

[laine_B]

how do you know if your parents in law didn't meet with her and, after verifying the affair with her, place more blame on HER doorstep for the death of their son?!

You don't know, do you?

 

Actually, I know that they do not blame her. Their relationship with her is cordial. She was invited to their house a few times right after the funeral.

[Athena]

Actually, I know that they do not blame her. Their relationship with her is cordial. She was invited to their house a few times right after the funeral.

 

Fine, so you know that they didn't blame her, but they blame you (did they blame you right from the get go, or after the funeral, or when?)

However, this does not mean SHE doesn't blame herself for allowing herself to get involved with a Married Man, who later lost his life in an accident after admitting to his affair with her... that may explain her sobbing at his gravesite

[laine_B]

Fine, so you know that they didn't blame her, but they blame you (did they blame you right from the get go, or after the funeral, or when?)

 

They blamed me as soon as they found out I told him to leave knowing that he had been drinking.

 

However, this does not mean SHE doesn't blame herself for allowing herself to get involved with a Married Man, who later lost his life in an accident after admitting to his affair with her... that may explain her sobbing at his gravesite

Like I said, I never thought about that. But you could be right.

[jwi71]

I would strongly consider limiting their access to your daughter.

Their ACTIONS continually minimize YOU...and we all know its ten times worse when you are NOT present. You and your daughter do NOT need this consant drone of "you killed her father"...which is almost certainly happening.

 

If they want to see their granddaughter...they can come and visit her with you present any time within reason.

 

They don't like it...they don't have to come.

 

And...after three years...time to throw away the t-shirts. At this point, his memories retard YOUR life. Gotta let go. Gotta move forward.

[laine_B]

I would strongly consider limiting their access to your daughter.

Their ACTIONS continually minimize YOU...and we all know its ten times worse when you are NOT present. You and your daughter do NOT need this consant drone of "you killed her father"...which is almost certainly happening.

 

If they want to see their granddaughter...they can come and visit her with you present any time within reason.

 

They don't like it...they don't have to come.

 

I know you mean well but I am sure my in-laws have my daughter's best interest at heart. I am very aware about the stories or comments my daughter come home with. She has not shown any kind of aversion towards me. Plus the nanny at their house told me that, nobody is allowed to mention how my husband died, if she ask, they are to answer "he is in heaven".

 

I think my in-laws love my daughter more than they hate me.

 

And...after three years...time to throw away the t-shirts. At this point, his memories retard YOUR life. Gotta let go. Gotta move forward.

I know, i know...I went on my first coffee date last week and ended up talking about my husband to the guy. The guy told my friend after the date that he(the date) thought I was very attractive but "too much baggage". Oh well.

[SidLyon]

I'm so very sorry to hear your story Laine - there are many parts of it that are so similar to mine.

 

I got pregnant on my wedding night - I was 37 years old and really thought it unlikely that I would have children but H wanted 2 - I agreed to 1 and so we had twins 8 months after we married (they were 4 weeks prem). Like you we never had that honeymoon period after the wedding and I was sick every day during my pregnancy. I had a condition called placenta acreta (which kills many women) and nearly didn't survive the birth but couldn't have any more after that. I was in very fragile health for about 2 years - just terminally tired I think.

 

During this time my H "gave up" on me and started looking outside the marriage. His big affair with a MW lasted 3.5 years and ended in mid 2005. Early last year she contacted him again and then they resumed seeing each other. Then last April her H died in an accident while they were on a holiday overseas - he worked for the Defence department here. My H tried to comfort her but obviously the dynamics of everything had changed - I think she may have wanted him to leave me but in the end they parted again in about August I think.

 

Then last October our brother in law died in a tragic accident while on an overseas holiday with his wife (my H's sister) - he also worked for the Defence department. This devastated our family and my H again resumed contact with OW because of the similarity in the 2 deaths. I think my H became out of control and I caught him on an internet dating website which led me to a hotmail account and details of his A. This was less than a week after my brother inlaw's funeral and the day before I had a final exam.

 

My H sent 2 e-mails to OW telling her he loved me and would be staying with me and in December I sent her an e-mail too telling her of how upset I

was at her invading my life. Her response was that she wished it had been her that died rather than her H.

 

I only found out about their Valentine's Day 2008 lunch a few weeks ago and was so angry that I let her parents in law know of the A. Maybe they now blame her for their son's death - I don't know. If he was alive it would have been him that I told rather than his parents. I posted in another thread about how I finally met her a few days ago - her own mother knew of the affair with my H all along.

 

It wasn't you fault that your H died any more than in my case, it was the OW's fault that her H died - it wasn't punishment that was being inflicted on either of you. It was awfully bad timing and the affairs just made everything much worse.

 

S

[CM2009]

Wow this is a heavy story, im sperated from my wife now and I miss her so much. Reading this story is making me want to get back to my wife. But all I can say is God's gonna bless you, I'm sorry for ur lost

[laine_B]

I'm so very sorry to hear your story Laine - there are many parts of it that are so similar to mine.

 

Thank you, Sidlyon for your post.

 

What do you think is about the OW that your husband keeps going back to her? what does that mean to your marriage? What does that mean to you?

 

 

I only found out about their Valentine's Day 2008 lunch a few weeks ago and was so angry that I let her parents in law know of the A. Maybe they now blame her for their son's death - I don't know

 

Why did you do this? what did you want to accomplish by doing this?

 

Sid, your husband did not get killed. Your twins still have a father. For whatever reason your husband and the OW have a strong bond enough to look for each other for emotional support each time there is tragedy in their lives. I do not know how you are handling it, but please know that in the end it really is better if we have a better handle of our negative emotions.

 

My husband got killed because he knew he was wrong and did not know how to tell me about it, he needed alcohol to do it. He got killed because I told him I did not want to see him ever again and GOD HEARD ME! I wish sometimes that he had kept his affair to himself, who cares? Those people who vehemently encourage BS and OW to disclose, what do they care about the outcome? They don't. If your husband's OW's kills herself would you feel better about yourself? I think not.

 

The same thing with WS and OW/OM, what if the WS cannot take the betrayal and kills herself? The thing to do is, if nothing irreversibly tragic happened yet, QUIT, STOP, while you are still ahead...

[laine_B]

Wow this is a heavy story, im sperated from my wife now and I miss her so much. Reading this story is making me want to get back to my wife. But all I can say is God's gonna bless you, I'm sorry for ur lost

 

Hi CM2009! Then go be with her! Life is short and fleeting. Thank you for your post.

[Athena]

What about me? H cheated recently for the 8th time... he works abroad, wants me now to join him. Says he loves me and wants to have his wife to complete him.

 

I know he must be lonely... and I am lonely too, and I do love him, but -- what is to stop him from cheating behind my back one day when he feels like it? Or when I come home to visit the kids (in college), more frequently than he will be, since he needs to work there, and I will be on a tourist visa and unable to work there...

 

What say you about what I should do Laine? Go or not?

[Chrome Barracuda]

My heart goes out to you laine b, the whole situation sucks. Everyone is going through pain. The OW can move on and find someone else who isnt married but your always gonna live with what happened. and how everything happened. And the fallout after.

 

it's gonna suck now but it wont always, things will get better in time.

[laine_B]

What about me? H cheated recently for the 8th time... he works abroad, wants me now to join him. Says he loves me and wants to have his wife to complete him.

 

I know he must be lonely... and I am lonely too, and I do love him, but -- what is to stop him from cheating behind my back one day when he feels like it? Or when I come home to visit the kids (in college), more frequently than he will be, since he needs to work there, and I will be on a tourist visa and unable to work there...

 

What say you about what I should do Laine? Go or not?

 

I am going to be corny here and take a few lines from a song:

 

".. love deeper and speak sweeter

and give forgiveness you'd been denying

I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying..."

 

You know your heart, he knows his heart--you should go and be with him. Your future is not your children, your future is your husband.

[laine_B]

My heart goes out to you laine b, the whole situation sucks. Everyone is going through pain. The OW can move on and find someone else who isnt married but your always gonna live with what happened. and how everything happened. And the fallout after.

 

it's gonna suck now but it wont always, things will get better in time.

 

Thank you Chrome. I am hopeful.

[Lucky_One]

He got killed because I told him I did not want to see him ever again and GOD HEARD ME!

 

Surely you don't believe that? SURELY you don't believe that God killed your husband because of something you said?

[jwi71]

You know your heart, he knows his heart--you should go and be with him. Your future is not your children, your future is your husband.

 

Can't say I agree with this much.

 

One A is MAYBE survivable...but more than that and, IMO, its time to leave.

This budding mantra of the spouse is the end all and be all is hogwash. Especially so when the spouse cheats.

[laine_B]

Can't say I agree with this much.

 

One A is MAYBE survivable...but more than that and, IMO, its time to leave.

This budding mantra of the spouse is the end all and be all is hogwash. Especially so when the spouse cheats.

 

Surviving is very personal. Relationships are personal. Ultimately, a BS must decide what would bring joy and happiness and fulfillment in her life-the same way with the WS. What can you tolerate? what can you live with?

[SidLyon]

Thank you, Sidlyon for your post.

 

What do you think is about the OW that your husband keeps going back to her? what does that mean to your marriage? What does that mean to you?

 

 

Why did you do this? what did you want to accomplish by doing this?

 

 

Sid, your husband did not get killed. Your twins still have a father. For whatever reason your husband and the OW have a strong bond enough to look for each other for emotional support each time there is tragedy in their lives. I do not know how you are handling it, but please know that in the end it really is better if we have a better handle of our negative emotions.

 

 

My husband got killed because he knew he was wrong and did not know how to tell me about it, he needed alcohol to do it. He got killed because I told him I did not want to see him ever again and GOD HEARD ME! I wish sometimes that he had kept his affair to himself, who cares? Those people who vehemently encourage BS and OW to disclose, what do they care about the outcome? They don't. If your husband's OW's kills herself would you feel better about yourself? I think not.

 

 

 

 

The same thing with WS and OW/OM, what if the WS cannot take the betrayal and kills herself? The thing to do is, if nothing irreversibly tragic happened yet, QUIT, STOP, while you are still ahead...

 

****************************************************

 

I can't answer that definitively but once I found out he has ended contact with her - he says it was never really over in his mind and once her H died he had no idea what he should do. If he goes back again then it's a different ball game now I know and he will have made his choice.

 

I was angry and wanted to hurt her I admit - I guess I subscribe to the view that the OW's H should be told - of course with him dead that wasn't possible so it was either his parents or nobody - they are also helping to bring up the 6 year old boy as if he's their grandchild. At this stage it's unclear whether he is their grandchild or my H's child. If he's my H's then my children also possibly have rights to know they have a half-brother. Because of the unusual situation it is not absolutely clear what the right thing to do is. Perhaps you would have behaved differently.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest that my H had died and my children left fatherless - merely that my children have lost a loved uncle and also the other boy has lost his father too.

 

I disagree with you - I think there are a number of unacceptable behaviours that thrive on secrecy including things such as domestic violence, embezzlement, workplace bullying, child abuse, and also extramarital affairs - if people know that they will be exposed they are less likely to engage in them. Being complicit in keeping secrets about such things only facilitates them in my view.

 

At one stage I considered that I'd be better off dead myself but hopefully I'm getting past it. I am upset at your suggestion (if that's what it was) that somehow I would be responsible if the OW killed herself.

 

I'm sorry about your situation - unlike you I'm not a believer in any Gods so I'm certainly not holding any of them responsible - by the way I don't know what country you live in but I'm guessing the USA - it's not where I live and in my country there is much less of an emphasis on any Gods.

 

Take care Laine.

 

S

[Liquid]

This is absolutely madness! How dare those two old mind-less POS blame it on you? If I were you, I would cut their access to YOUR daugher. Grandparents, in many states, are not ENTITLED to visitation....well, with two combined exceptions 1) They are the parents of a deceased parent (which is your case) and 2) it's in the child's best interest.

 

The point is....how dare they blame you when their son was the one who stick his you know what in another woman while you as his wife was pregnant with HIS child! I strongly dislike people who side with "blood" without boundaries. If they are mad at you, they are cruel pitty people. If they are mad at OW, understandable.

 

Last, but not least, I would like to say one thing to you......it was not your fault. It was not your fault that he cheated. It was not your fault that you got mad the way you did when you found out that your husband cheated. It was not your fault that he had an accident. It was not your fault that he died. Someone is at fault if he/she blame you, the betrayed spouse and the victim (hate to use this word here) in this tragedy. YOU did nothing wrong!