I miss my husband...:(

[laine_B]

Hello! I have been a long-time lurker here and today I am off from work and actually have nothing much to do, so I have decided to post! I just want to share my story. I hope this is allowed. I guess, if my post is removed then I would know, right?

 

I am 29 ( will be 30 in a few months )! I got married when I was 24. I had a beautiful, huge wedding. We wrote our own vows ( my husband's idea). At the wedding ceremony, many people shed a tear or two--it was all very touching. We were a perfect couple! A month after the wedding, we got pregnant! Yes, my baby was a honeymoon baby. Everybody was ecstatic, but my husband was not---he kept saying, he wanted to enjoy "us"-to do fun stuff-travel, rock climbing, kayaking, skiing-but I was pregnant and it was a difficult pregnancy and I could not do any of that. To add to that, I got sick almost every time we dined out. I was not a fun pregnant woman

 

So I had the baby, she was a beautiful baby! When my husband held her in his arms, he broke down. I mean he was sobbing! There were many instances like these months after. And also many instances were he just held me and rocked me saying he was sorry for resenting the pregnancy and how much he loved me,etc. I thought, okay, I understand, I am not scarred by it, let's move on and enjoy our baby.

 

But one night he was drinking wine, more than usual and he broke down and told me that when I was pregnant he carried on a three month affair. Less than 6 months after our beautiful wedding, while I was heavy with his child!!! Talk about pain! I threw him out that night. He cried and begged to be forgiven, but I was too consumed by my own pain, anger, disbelief-so he left, and crashed his vehicle and died. I forgot he was drinking, I was in so much pain I just wanted him out.

 

I blame myself for his death. My daughter will never know her dad. My in-laws do not talk to me. His friends hate me. The ex-other woman got more sympathy than I did. The other woman sent me a letter, in it was a copy of an email my husband sent her, telling her how he could not carry on the affair and apologizing if he had hurt her. He also told her, how unfair he had been to me, how much he loved me and could not wait for the baby's arrival.

 

How does one move on? How does one get over the pain? How does one forgive oneself? How does one explain to her child the circumstances of her father's death?

 

Infidelity hurts, but in the grand scheme of things, what is it really? Sex and some sweet nothings? So what? Why do we get so angry? Why is it alright to be angry? to hate? to vent? to rage?

[2sure]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have said here several times, when putting infidelity in perspective for myself - Nobody Died.

That kind of thought can only be had by someone who has suffered greater tragedy.

Infidelity has many risks involved. So does drinking. So does driving.

Accidents happen. Always, always followed by "what ifs".

Your husband, your daughter's father - was killed in an accident. Period.

Arguments happen. Marriages have crisis. Huge, emotional, dramatic events.

You didnt do or say anything different than any other person would have.

He loved you. You know that.

You loved him. He knows that.

And there was an accident.

[laine_B]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have said here several times, when putting infidelity in perspective for myself - Nobody Died.

That kind of thought can only be had by someone who has suffered greater tragedy.

Infidelity has many risks involved. So does drinking. So does driving.

Accidents happen. Always, always followed by "what ifs".

Your husband, your daughter's father - was killed in an accident. Period.

Arguments happen. Marriages have crisis. Huge, emotional, dramatic events.

You didnt do or say anything different than any other person would have.

He loved you. You know that.

You loved him. He knows that.

And there was an accident.

 

Thank you for responding. I would not have asked him to leave if I did not have this "how dare you did that to ME!" attitude. Granted, I did not push him or drag him out of the door, still I DID ask him to leave.

 

My in-laws said I killed him and wanted to sue me for it. Cooler heads have since prevailed. Still, when I visit my husband's grave I see his mom there (she visits everyday, he was their only child), I have to wait until she leaves. When I leave flowers on the grave, the next day they are thrown to the garbage.

 

They have "visitation rights" with my daughter and for that I had to bring my daughter to my parent's and they pick her up there. She never goes to their house in the clothes she is wearing. At my parent's house, the nanny (hired by them) comes in the house bringing baby clothes and changes the baby before she is brought to their car.

 

It is all very painful.

[jwi71]

Thank you for responding. I would not have asked him to leave if I did not have this "how dare you did that to ME!" attitude. Granted, I did not push him or drag him out of the door, still I DID ask him to leave.

 

That is a perfectly normal reaction. I had it...many BS go through it...you are NOT alone in that.

 

I am sorry that your late H made his choices. But HE made them. Sorry, but YOU are NOT responsible for HIS actions. HE is. NO one else.

 

Yes you asked him to leave but you did NOT ask him to drink himself into a stupor and kill himself. I only hope he didn't injure others in his reckless disregard for himself and others.

 

My in-laws said I killed him and wanted to sue me for it. Cooler heads have since prevailed.

 

More likely is no lawyer would take the case.

 

Still, when I visit my husband's grave I see his mom there (she visits everyday, he was their only child), I have to wait until she leaves. When I leave flowers on the grave, the next day they are thrown to the garbage.

 

How childish of them. Continue to leave flowers. Sadly, I would continue to visit his grave when you have good reason to believe she won't there. A confrontation accomplishes nothing.

 

They have "visitation rights" with my daughter and for that I had to bring my daughter to my parent's and they pick her up there.

 

This is VERY unusual. I gather this is an informal arrangment as courts are VERY reluctant to order this...and then only in proven conditions when it would detriment the child to NOT see them. As mother, yoou have full legal right to raise your child as YOU see fit. The courts will agree. And the burden of proof is upon the grandparents to prove the visits are necessary for the girl...not the other way around.

 

I say that because I can only imagine what they are filling her head with...words and thoughts detrimental to YOUR R with your child...which is harmfult ot the child...which a court will order CEASED. Hire a lawyer if you must...

 

She never goes to their house in the clothes she is wearing. At my parent's house, the nanny (hired by them) comes in the house bringing baby clothes and changes the baby before she is brought to their car

 

Though I have sympathy for their loss, their actions, IMO, are detrimental to ALL involved.

[lostsoulmate]

All I can say or do is send peace, hope and brightness to you.

[Lucky_One]

Wait. Your husband had a short affair when you were 24. You had a baby, who would now be about 5, as you are almost 30. (Why is anyone still dressing this child in baby clothes?? )

 

He got drunk, confessed to the affair, and you threw him out of the house immediately. He got in his car and was killed.

 

Why do his parents believe that you "killed" him? Were they at your house when he confessed about the affair? How do they know that you had a fight about his infidelity and that you threw him out in your pain?

 

For that matter, how does the OW know about this? Why would she even contact you 5 years post-EMA and send you an email (she still has emails from a 5 year old affair that only lasted 3 months?)? Why in the world would anyoen be giving the XOW sympathy at all, when this was years ago, and how does everyone know about this affair at this point?

 

As for your daugher knowing her dad, she had a lot of years with him, and even if some of her memories fade, the impressions she has of him will never fade. Keep reminding her of special times, and ask her what her special memories are and reinforce those memories with details and repetition, and they will become ingrained.

 

Good luck.

[laine_B]

That is a perfectly normal reaction. I had it...many BS go through it...you are NOT alone in that.

 

I am sorry that your late H made his choices. But HE made them. Sorry, but YOU are NOT responsible for HIS actions. HE is. NO one else.

 

Yes you asked him to leave but you did NOT ask him to drink himself into a stupor and kill himself. I only hope he didn't injure others in his reckless disregard for himself and others.

 

 

 

More likely is no lawyer would take the case.

 

 

 

How childish of them. Continue to leave flowers. Sadly, I would continue to visit his grave when you have good reason to believe she won't there. A confrontation accomplishes nothing.

 

 

 

This is VERY unusual. I gather this is an informal arrangment as courts are VERY reluctant to order this...and then only in proven conditions when it would detriment the child to NOT see them. As mother, yoou have full legal right to raise your child as YOU see fit. The courts will agree. And the burden of proof is upon the grandparents to prove the visits are necessary for the girl...not the other way around.

 

I say that because I can only imagine what they are filling her head with...words and thoughts detrimental to YOUR R with your child...which is harmfult ot the child...which a court will order CEASED. Hire a lawyer if you must...

 

 

 

Though I have sympathy for their loss, their actions, IMO, are detrimental to ALL involved.

 

Hi Jw171! My in-laws sued for custody for me daughter, actually. You have to understand they really believe I was instrumental in my husband's death. I guess, it is like being a host of a party and allowing a drunk guest to leave. A good host would take the keys and call a taxi or have somebody drive the guest. Of course, a good host is not distraught and can think clearly. Still, if I did not be believe that I was above all women and entitled to a faithful husband, I would have had a different reaction.

 

I put the visitation rights in quotes because it was an agreement that we have arrived to. It was the least I could for them-unlimited access to their only grandchild.

 

Oh, thank you, lostsoulmate!

[Athena]

As with most tragedies it is not just ONE thing that leads to the tragedy, it is a series of things gone wrong. If any one of those things had been different, the outcome would have ended differently.

 

*If you had not fallen pregnant so soon

*If he had not cheated

*If he had not drunk

*If he had not admitted it to you while drunk

*If you had managed to react differently to your emotions

*If you had not kicked him out

*If he had not had an accident

*Perhaps even: If he had not intentionally and erroneously had an accident to punish himself for his betrayal of you -- I know my H would have thought like that

*If he had somehow managed to survive the accident with either no injuries or minimal injuries

 

Or any other additional keys in the series that led to his death. His parents, unfortunately, through their grief and sorrow could only focus on the part of the series of actions that you did... the "you" that survived, while their son died.

 

You need to forgive yourself for the part you played, directly or indirectly. The truth of the matter is that in these tragic cases any one thing done differently could have averted tragedy, but you cannot ignore the reality that it WAS ALL these things that took place which conspired to an accident AND a death.

 

Your parents in law are convinced that you (the surviving one) could have averted the tragedy by YOUR action alone. They fail to put equal weight on all the other factors that led to his death, including his own choice to have an affair, admit this to you after drinking, do whatever action caused his car to have an accident, etc...

... now if it makes his parents better able to cope with the loss of their only child, then so be it. But you need to understand your part in the equation, and to forgive yourself, and this will enable you to move on.

[laine_B]

As with most tragedies it is not just ONE thing that leads to the tragedy, it is a series of things gone wrong. If any one of those things had been different, the outcome would have ended differently.

 

*If he had not drunk

*If he had not cheated

*If he had not admitted it to you while drunk

*If you had not kicked him out

*If he had not had an accident

*If you had managed to react differently to your emotions

*Perhaps even: If he had not intentionally and erroneously had an accident to punish himself for his betrayal of you -- I know my H would have thought like that

*If he had somehow managed to survive the accident with either no injuries or minimal injuries

 

Or any other additional keys in the series that led to his death. His parents, unfortunately, through their grief and sorrow could only focus on the part of the series of actions that you did... the "you" that survived, while their son died.

 

You need to forgive yourself for the part you played, directly or indirectly. The truth of the matter is that in these tragic cases any one thing done differently could have averted tragedy, but you cannot ignore the reality that it WAS ALL these things that took place which conspired to an accident AND a death.

 

Your parents in law are convinced that you (the surviving one) could have averted the tragedy by YOUR action alone. They fail to put equal weight on all the other factors that led to his death, including his own choice to have an affair, admit this to you after drinking, do whatever action caused his car to have an accident, etc...

... now if it makes his parents better able to cope with the loss of their only child, then so be it. But you need to understand your part in the equation, and to forgive yourself, and this will enable you to move on.

 

Hello, Athena! you sound just like my counselor! Cerebrally, I understand all of that. Emotionally, I am stuck. I still sleep with a pillow I have cased in one of his t-shirts I retrieved from the laundry basket.

 

I guess what I want to say here is that maybe society should not encourage betrayed spouses to be angry or approve of it. Maybe we should encourage people to stand back, take a deep breath, to have control over the raging emotions. I do not know. life is too short, too fleeting, too unpredictable. Infidelity is not the worse thing that can happen to someone.

[Athena]

Hello, Athena! you sound just like my counselor!

Like a counselor, eh? Thats good...

 

Cerebrally, I understand all of that. Emotionally, I am stuck.

The way to get your emotions to change is to start with a thought. Start thinking "I forgive myself". Say it at first, think it, then with time your feelings will change too.I think you might be 'stuck emotionally' as you said, because you are depressed?

I don't blame you for feeling stuck.... you are in a horrendous situation. You suffer a life alone without your beloved husband, raising his child without him, being blamed by his parents for his death, and berating your own actions which chased him out of the house that fateful night.

But, on the other hand, you chose to remain 'stuck' because, in a way, it is safer that way.

 

I still sleep with a pillow I have cased in one of his t-shirts I retrieved from the laundry basket.

 

Your sleeping with something that belonged to him shows your love and wish to have him close by you. How long ago did H die? Five years? Do you still cry over losing him?

 

I guess what I want to say here is that maybe society should not encourage betrayed spouses to be angry or approve of it. Maybe we should encourage people to stand back, take a deep breath, to have control over the raging emotions. I do not know. life is too short, too fleeting, too unpredictable. Infidelity is not the worse thing that can happen to someone.

Yes, in your case certainly it would have helped to avert a tragedy, after your H committed infidelity... and in some other cases deaths occur due to infidelity when an enraged spouse kills the affair partner, the spouse, and self... So, yes, things happen when emotions get out of control... things as bad as death, either due to intentionally or unintentionally bringing that about ... I suppose it would be great if we as humans could more easily regulate our stronger, negative reactions... and I believe a lot of us do learn to do this, certainly a lot of old folk seem to be more temperate in their reactions... perhaps this has made you focus on emotions a lot earlier than most do... how do you handle negative emotions now?

[laine_B]

Your sleeping with something that belonged to him shows your love and wish to have him close by you. How long ago did H die? Five years? Do you still cry over losing him?

 

Yes, it seems everything around me reminds me of him. Sometimes I am angry that he died and left me and our daughter. Sometimes, I am angry that someone else (xOW) is mourning him and misses him almost the same way I do. Other times, I am glad somebody else loved him, almost as much as I loved him ( why wouldn't she? ).

 

It has been 3 years and a half since he died.

[Athena]

Yes, it seems everything around me reminds me of him. Sometimes I am angry that he died and left me and our daughter. Sometimes, I am angry that someone else (xOW) is mourning him and misses him almost the same way I do. Other times, I am glad somebody else loved him, almost as much as I loved him ( why wouldn't she? ).

 

It has been 3 years and a half since he died.

That OW was only with him for three months. While I am sure she was infatuated with him at the time, and that he was perfectly wonderful and deserving to be loved by all, I highly doubt that woman feels anything like you do.

[jwi71]

 

Yes, in your case certainly it would have helped to avert a tragedy

 

Athena, while I normally agree with you THIS is awful.

 

NO way, no how does the OP have ANY responsibility for his death.

 

Not. One. Bit.

 

He CHOSE to drink to excess.

HE CHOSE to get behind the wheel.

 

Period. There are NO extenuating circumstances which assign even the slightest molecule of blame to the OP. She did NOT do or cause or contribute.

[Athena]

Athena, while I normally agree with you THIS is awful.

 

NO way, no how does the OP have ANY responsibility for his death.

 

Not. One. Bit.

 

He CHOSE to drink to excess.

HE CHOSE to get behind the wheel.

 

Period. There are NO extenuating circumstances which assign even the slightest molecule of blame to the OP. She did NOT do or cause or contribute.

If you put my quote in the context of the Whole that I wrote, you will see that ANY ONE of those things being changed would have averted the tragedy... including her two actions... of getting mad and kicking him out... I don't say "OP has the responsibility of his death" but I am getting her to see how tragedies are a series of unfortunate events which lead up to the tragedy itself... so yes... while it is true that she didn't cause his death, she needs to forgive herself for what she sees as 'her part ' that she played in what led to his death/contributed to his death, and forgive herself... don't forget that OP said SHE BLAMES HERSELF... she is not going to suddenly agree now not to do that, because we say she has no part to play... rather, I tried to get her to forgive herself for what she feels she is to blame for -- losing her temper and kicking him out of the house.

[laine_B]

That OW was only with him for three months. While I am sure she was infatuated with him at the time, and that he was perfectly wonderful and deserving to be loved by all, I highly doubt that woman feels anything like you do.

 

That's what I thought. I have heard stories about how devastated she was. This past Nov, a day before his death anniversary, I decided to spend the day by his grave site, knowing my in-laws would be visiting and staying longer at his grave on the anniversary day. I found the xOW prostate on his grave,crying...three years after! She did not even noticed I was there. I was transfixed by the scene in front of me. When she sat up and noticed me, she hastily got up, apologized, mumbled something that she did not know I was going to be there and left. I wanted to call her, to tell her to stay, to talk to me. But I just watched her go.

 

Then I had this burning thoughts of guilt "Oh my god, I should have stopped her, she shouldn't be driving while distraught, what if she has an accident?" I had to call a friend of mine to track her down, to find out if she was okay- I am going mad! I am absolutely going mad!

[jwi71]

If you put my quote in the context of the Whole that I wrote, you will see that ANY ONE of those things being changed would have averted the tragedy... including her two actions... of getting mad and kicking him out... I don't say "OP has the responsibility of his death" but I am getting her to see how tragedies are a series of unfortunate events which lead up to the tragedy itself... so yes... while it is true that she didn't cause his death, she needs to forgive herself for what she sees as 'her part ' that she played in what led to his death/contributed to his death, and forgive herself... don't forget that OP said SHE BLAMES HERSELF... she is not going to suddenly agree now not to do that, because we say she has no part to play... rather, I tried to get her to forgive herself for what she feels she is to blame for -- losing her temper and kicking him out of the house.

 

I did NOT radically alter your meaning by cutting the rest out...it was NOT my intention to do that. However, going forward I will be sure to quote a bit more liberally. Apologies if I gave that impression.

 

However, HER actions did NOT cause or contribute to his death. Its a real stretch to insinuate such.

 

This is the same bullcrap her in-laws pull - that's its somehow HER fault he died. Sorry...nowhere close to true. You go back far enough then ANYONE can find a justification for virtually anything.

 

So lets go back a bit farther...HE chose to cheat which led to him getting kicked out which lead to him going to the bar. Another absurb conclusion would be its the OW fault for having an A which led to all those events.

You wouldn't agree that its the OW's fault...so how does the OP "share the blame"?

 

I guess if the OP had asked him to grab some milk and a drunk driver killed him it would be HER fault as well...for sending him out for milk.

 

More ludicrous bs.

 

Sorry Athena...I can feel my blood boiling here. It simply isn't HER fault in any way shape or form. And saying otherwise not only sets her back, its not true.

[laine_B]

I mean, why should I care about the xOW's feelings? Why should I care about what happens to her? She is the xOW for godsakes! right?

[laine_B]

Jwi71, Thank you for your input. I certainly tell myself that everyday. If I can rewind my life I would have handled it differently. Hindsight after all is 20/20.

 

So lets go back a bit farther...HE chose to cheat which led to him getting kicked out which lead to him going to the bar

 

My husband did not go to a bar. He was drinking at home, then decided to talk to me about his affair.

[Athena]

I did NOT radically alter your meaning by cutting the rest out...it was NOT my intention to do that. However, going forward I will be sure to quote a bit more liberally. Apologies if I gave that impression.

 

 

No need to apologize at all! :)No offense taken about my quote.

 

and for what it's worth -- I DO agree with you that it was not her fault her H died!

[Athena]

I mean, why should I care about the xOW's feelings? Why should I care about what happens to her? She is the xOW for godsakes! right?

 

Yes, she is the xOW and belongs to the 'other camp' but you are a human being and you lost your H and can empathize with her loss too.

 

If she was really lying prostrate on the grave and sobbing three years later, ur... red flag... either it wasn't merely a three months affair... or... oh well, never mind.

[taylor]

You are not in any way responsible for your husband's accident.

 

Like another poster said, he chose to drink and then get behind the wheel of a car.

 

He could have walked. He could have called someone (his parents!) to pick him up.

 

You could have tried to prevent him from leaving, and he could have decided to leave anyways.

 

But the bottom line is you are not responsible for his actions which led to an accident which caused his death.

 

My brother was killed in a car accident after a night of drinking with friends. Some of those friends carry guilt. But the thing is they all got behind the wheel of their vehicles and all made it safetly home except my brother.

 

They are no more to blame for his accident than you are for your husband's.

 

Your in-laws are blaming you because that is what grieving people do. They look for a senseless death to make sense. And by blaming you for the loss of their son, it makes sense to them. They love their son too much to actually blame HIM for his actions. You are the scapegoat.

 

A question regarding the OW. Did your husband know her prior to your marriage? It's hard to believe a woman could get that emotionally attached to a man she just met and had a 3 month relationship with, albeit an affair.

 

Posters here are being kind to you because your husband died.

 

If he hadn't died, BS here would be questioning you as to why you would stay with a man who cheated on you so early on in the marriage. They would have told you once a cheater always a cheater. THey would have told you that you being pregnant was no excuse or justification to cheat. They would have told you that if he was willing to cheat just because you got pregnant, what would stop him from cheating when really "bad" things started happening in your marriage. They would have told you how selfish and immature he was to cheat on you, especially since it takes two to make a baby...and if he didn't want one at that time, he should have used protection...not acted irresponsibly, made a baby, and then cheated because he was unhappy by what he had done.

 

Don't mean to sound cruel..but your husband is the "guilty" one here on all accounts...NOT YOU. Yet you are paying for his mistakes and poor judgement.

 

With that said, let me say that I am sorry for your loss and the loss to your daughter. You will never know if your marriage would have been a good one or not...but you didn't even get a chance to make it work.

[laine_B]

Wait. Your husband had a short affair when you were 24. You had a baby, who would now be about 5, as you are almost 30. (Why is anyone still dressing this child in baby clothes??

 

she is our baby!!! she is actually a big girl now, but we call her "the baby".

 

Why do his parents believe that you "killed" him? Were they at your house when he confessed about the affair? How do they know that you had a fight about his infidelity and that you threw him out in your pain?

 

Because when they asked what happened, I told them the truth. It was uncharacteristic of my husband to 1)drink a lot 2) drive while under the influence.

 

Actually when I asked him to leave, I locked myself in the bedroom. I told him I did not want to see him ever again. I did not really know if or when he left until I came out of our bedroom and I realized he had left.

 

For that matter, how does the OW know about this?

 

We had common friends. I did not know her.

 

Why would she even contact you 5 years post-EMA and send you an email (she still has emails from a 5 year old affair that only lasted 3 months?)?

 

No, she sent me the letter a week after the funeral.

 

Why in the world would anyoen be giving the XOW sympathy at all, when this was years ago, and how does everyone know about this affair at this point?

 

My in-laws met with her. I do not know why. Perhaps to get to know the woman who has memories of their son, or perhaps to hurt me more.

 

As for your daugher knowing her dad, she had a lot of years with him, and even if some of her memories fade, the impressions she has of him will never fade. Keep reminding her of special times, and ask her what her special memories are and reinforce those memories with details and repetition, and they will become ingrained.

 

Thank you. I have tons of picture of the two of them all over the house.

[NoIDidn't]

laine B

 

I apologize for what I am about to write in advance. And I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. ((((laine B)))))

 

 

But....

 

Your former in-laws are acting like jerks and hopefully you will stop with the concessions to them concerning your child. You said you came to an agreement on "visitation rights" but its not a legal agreement, I gather as grandparents have no legal rights to a child whose parent(s) are alive and fit to take care of them.

 

I hope your parents are not encouraging this enabling of them. They are totally disrespecting you AND your loss. This is no doubt causing you much distress.

 

Now, stop blaming yourself for his death. He, too, knew that he was drinking and chose to leave your home and drive a car. I won't even say it was an accident. He knew he was drinking. The mistake made was his, not yours.

 

My husband would leave our house in anger early on in our marriage, and I would cringe hearing his tired peel out of the parking lot of our apartment complex. I always worried that him driving in that state would make me the recipient of the dreaded *call* from the authorities informing me that "there has been an accident". But, if it did, I would not blame myself.

 

Please, note that I am not making your late husband out to be a bad guy. I just want you to know that his choices are his. His parents, like you, are grieving and are truly misplacing their anger at his death on you. The vast majority of cheaters are kicked out of the house initially once the affair comes to light. So you did nothing wrong and nothing out of the ordinary given the circumstances.

 

Again, I truly apologize if anything that I have said causes you further distress. You don't deserve to beat yourself up for his choices. You didn't do anything wrong. And, I know you miss him. I would too.

 

(((laine B)))

[laine_B]

Hello Taylor! thank you for your post.

 

A question regarding the OW. Did your husband know her prior to your marriage? It's hard to believe a woman could get that emotionally attached to a man she just met and had a 3 month relationship with, albeit an affair.

 

I don't think he knew her before we got married. She has friends that my husband and I are/were also friends of. She and my husband met through them. Believe me, I thought that too! It could not have been that significant of a relationship. But I guess, it is not the quantity of time that was shared but the quality. This I know for sure though, that my husband was not in love with her.

 

 

If he hadn't died, BS here would be questioning you as to why you would stay with a man who cheated on you so early on in the marriage. They would have told you once a cheater always a cheater. THey would have told you that you being pregnant was no excuse or justification to cheat. They would have told you that if he was willing to cheat just because you got pregnant, what would stop him from cheating when really "bad" things started happening in your marriage. They would have told you how selfish and immature he was to cheat on you, especially since it takes two to make a baby...and if he didn't want one at that time, he should have used protection...not acted irresponsibly, made a baby, and then cheated because he was unhappy by what he had done.

 

Well, you said it for them, and I am okay with it, really. Thank you.

[laine_B]

Hi NoIdidnt! thank you.

 

Your former in-laws are acting like jerks and hopefully you will stop with the concessions to them concerning your child. You said you came to an agreement on "visitation rights" but its not a legal agreement' date=' I gather as grandparents have no legal rights to a child whose parent(s) are alive and fit to take care of them. [/quote']

 

I do not think they are acting like "jerks". I think they are mourning their loss the only way they know how. I am okay with it. I want them to enjoy their granddaughter.

 

I hope your parents are not encouraging this enabling of them. They are totally disrespecting you AND your loss. This is no doubt causing you much distress.

 

My parents are not blaming me for my husband's death. Never have. They have been a source of great support.

 

The vast majority of cheaters are kicked out of the house initially once the affair comes to light. So you did nothing wrong and nothing out of the ordinary given the circumstances.

 

Yes, I understand and I reacted to his cheating the way I was conditioned by society to react. Why can't we advocate taking a sit back and process the whole thing before saying things that are hurtful ? Why can't we advocate that anger is not the best route to 1) solve whatever marital problems you have or 2) to move on ?