2sure Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I can tell you what she is thinking. She is thinking that you are Unable To Make Decisions. While this doesn't make you a bad person in any respect...it certainly does not give her a sense of security. Not the security you need to get married. At this point you have gone back & forth on her so many times her head is spinning and she doesn't trust her own judgment. Show her, dont tell her , show her that you can Make Decisions. Start with something doable, like buying a car or enrolling in a class. Dont second guess yourself ( at least not verbally). Be firm. Make it a good decision, an important one. This, at the very least, will demonstrate to her that you have the ability to make a decision and stick with it.
kizik Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Stop blaming the guy, it is the female in this relationship who is putting him through unnecessary, selfish hell.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 I can tell you what she is thinking. She is thinking that you are Unable To Make Decisions. While this doesn't make you a bad person in any respect...it certainly does not give her a sense of security. Not the security you need to get married. At this point you have gone back & forth on her so many times her head is spinning and she doesn't trust her own judgment. Show her, dont tell her , show her that you can Make Decisions. Start with something doable, like buying a car or enrolling in a class. Dont second guess yourself ( at least not verbally). Be firm. Make it a good decision, an important one. This, at the very least, will demonstrate to her that you have the ability to make a decision and stick with it. Well I made decisions throughout the whole relationship. This was the only time I was unsure about a decision. She did give me another chance and I did demonstrate what I really wanted, then she broke it off. I respect your opinion though. Thanks. Our therapist said we needed to put the past behind us in order to move forward. I don't think she was able to do that and was still thinking I would hurt her again. I understand that, some people aren't able to forget things that easy.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Stop blaming the guy, it is the female in this relationship who is putting him through unnecessary, selfish hell. If he told her he wanted to postpone the wedding because of cold feet and THEN said that he changed his mind, then she has every right to protect herself and break it off. If a potential husband has doubts like this, I would serious question marrying him. He has NOT proven himself to be reliable in terms of being a partner - what if he goes through the same thing when children arrive? I feel bad for the OP, I really do, but a woman has every right to NOT take a man back after he gets cold feet. She has the right to re-evaluate the relationship and decide that he is not the partner for her.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Well, she told me she was perfectly fine with the cold feet. It was the depression and the other issues with MYSELF that pushed her away. And I completely understand. All I can do now is give her space and time. If its meant to be, she will come back, but I can't hope for that. I just need to work on myself, sort out my feelings, and decide what is best for me.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Well, she told me she was perfectly fine with the cold feet. It was the depression and the other issues with MYSELF that pushed her away. And I completely understand. All I can do now is give her space and time. If its meant to be, she will come back, but I can't hope for that. I just need to work on myself, sort out my feelings, and decide what is best for me. Sounds then like she is not equipped to handle the depression then. Marriage is "in SICKNESS and health" so it is reasonable for her to question the relationship before making that commitment. Have you spoken with a depression support group? You might be comforted in speaking with others that have likely gone through the same thing.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Stop blaming the guy, it is the female in this relationship who is putting him through unnecessary, selfish hell. No, its not all her fault. It takes two. We both had our issues. I want to put the blame all on me, but I know I can't do that.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Sounds then like she is not equipped to handle the depression then. Marriage is "in SICKNESS and health" so it is reasonable for her to question the relationship before making that commitment. Have you spoken with a depression support group? You might be comforted in speaking with others that have likely gone through the same thing. Yeah, I am in counseling right now and I'm on medication. She had a point though. I was going through depression during our engagement and she didn't understand why I wasn't happy. She said it was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives, but for me, I was depressed. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. My issues, issues I've had my whole life. I ruined it for her. It was my insecurities with myself and my depression that ultimately led to my cold feet and my other feelings. She didn't deserve that, as much as I'd wish she'd give me another shot. I have to sort out these problems. If I don't love myself and who I am, and if I'm not happy with just myself, there is no way I would make a good life partner, and she recognized that. Sadly, I didn't recognize it soon enough. This is a wake up call for me.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 You sound like a good person. Work on yourself and your issues, maybe she will come back, maybe she won't. Do it for yourself first. Remember that depression is not something that is "cured" but can be manageable - if she cannot handle that then you may have to move on for yourself.
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