Cristoforo Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I haven't really gotten another woman's perspective on my situation. Basically I was with my ex for 4.5 years before she called it off last week. Now I am heartbroken and I have to move out next week. We were renting a house that her dad owned so its obviously me that has to move out. Four months ago we were engaged to be married in September of this year. These past four months have been an absolute nightmare and a trainwreck that I don't think either of us saw coming. In December 2008, we had been engaged for 6 months at that point, and out of nowhere, I started to get these strange feelings. I started to get really nervous about getting married in less than a year. We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared. On top of that I was dealing with depression that I have had for a long time. I had been unhappy with myself and I had my own issues with my self confidence. So I told my fiance about my cold feet and that maybe we should postpone the wedding. I told her I still loved her, I still wanted to be with her, and I just wanted to make this work and sort out our problems first. She seemed ok with this but then the next day she said she would try to be nicer to me and asked if I wanted to go ahead with the wedding in September. After thinking about it, I realized I did love her and that maybe my cold feet were just temporary and so I agreed. About two weeks later we got into an argument about something stupid. I revealed to her that I had been really depressed lately and there were times when I didn't see a point in life. This obviously hurt her very much, but I assured her it had nothing to do with her and it dealt more with my own insecurities. She was hurt because she figured that when someone is engaged it should be the happiest time in their life. She said later that night that she couldn't marry someone who is miserable and depressed and had their own issues that needed worked on. She gave back the ring. A day or two later we were having a discussion about what had happened and this is when I told her other things she probably didn't want to hear. I told her I was feeling smothered living with her and I also told her that I had felt a little bit of pressure to propose to her. I don't really think there was 100 percent truth to these statements, but I was just grasping at straws trying to explain to her where the cold feet might have came from. These things hurt her even more. I took a few days and really reflected on everything and I realized that I really did want to marry her in September and that these feelings were just temporary insanity. When I told her that, she said "You couldn't have changed your mind that quickly after saying the things you did". I told her I did change my mind, I was wrong and I wanted to go through with the wedding. She refused and said she was still hurt and was protecting herself in the case that she took me back and I did it all over again. I assured her I wouldn't but she still didn't trust me. About two weeks passed after that and we were getting along even though the wedding was called off. She was trying to evaluate if she still wanted to be in this relationship. It was New Year's Eve and she wanted to meet up with my friends and I. I was upset that she didn't take me back after I said I no longer had cold feet and wanted to get married. I guess I acted like a jerk that night and ignored her. The next day she said she was done for good. I was supposed to move out but we talked and we sort of rushed back into things...We started getting along and I was being really good to her and I told her I was sorry for everything and that I still wanted to marry her. Then we started going to couples counseling in February and we were making progress. I realized that I had made a huge mistake, and that I no longer had the feelings I did and I knew for sure I wanted to marry her. Our therapist said if we wanted to move forward, we had to put the past behind us. And this is where my ex had a lot of trouble in. It was too hard for her to do that. I thoughts things were going well and I wanted to get the relationship and the engagement back on track...but then last weekend she drops a bombshell and says she doesn't want to do this anymore and that she doesn't love me the way she used to and doesn't see a future with me. This crushed me. She did say however that her feelings may change at some point and that she couldn't say for sure, its just now she thinks it would be best to have some space. So now here I am and I have to move out. I don't really know what to think. I understand why she is hurt and I guess she could not let the past go and try to trust me again. I think she thought that I would just do the same thing all over again, even though now, I know 100 PERCENT that I would not. So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work? Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back? I feel like she is my soulmate and the love of my life. I had never felt those feelings in our 4.5 years together and I couldn't help how I felt. I looked deep into myself and I realized she is everything I wanted it and my feelings of doubt were temporary. Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together? What should I do? Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Get counseling for your depression and meds if necessary. Work on you. Accept her perspective. Her words say negative things. Believe them. Accepting them doesn't make you less of a person.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I am already on meds and in therapy. I am going to give her all the space in the world and focus on myself and work on myself. I am no longer the person I was when she first met me. The person she first met was happy, had goals and dreams, had their own life and friends. All that has gone away. I lost myself in the relationship because I was so focused on her. I didn't have a life on my own and I felt like I couldn't be happy without her in my life. Now I need to work on myself and realize that I can be happy without her and that I am worth something. If she decides to come back and give me yet another chance, I will deal with that if it happens, but I know I can't get hung up on hoping for that. I need to just focus on myself. I know it will be hard, but I absolutely have to do it for my own well being and happiness in life.
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Know that you're not alone. It (losing yourself to a relationship) happens all the time, to both men and women. You're fortunate that you caught it before you got married. With effort, you'll become a better partner for her or whomever comes into your life in the future. I will opine that it is probably not over for her. She has issues of her own that she has to work on. Time will tell.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Thanks. Yeah, I know this happened for a reason. I have faith that its all in God's hands and I have been praying about it. I know this happened for a reason because it is going to force me to focus on myself and work on myself and become the happy person that I used to be who enjoys life. She always brought up the fact that I didn't really have my own life and that it was unhealthy that my world just revolved solely around her. She said she wanted me to be happy and have my own life outside of her. I always promised I would change but I never did I didn't make an effort to make a life for myself outside of her, I just always assumed she would be there. Thats why I was surprised that the cold feet happened, I think it was just due to my insecurities with myself and my depression. I told her how I still loved her and would marry her tomorrow but as long as she doesn't feel the same way, I don't think I could be friends with her. She wants me to be in her life and thinks it would be unfair for me to cut her out of my life, but I know I need to do NC right now and work on myself and think about things.
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Why would she want you in her life? Yep, think about that.....
Author Cristoforo Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 She said its because we shared such a long history together, 4.5 years, and I am like family to her. She said she trusts me and feels safe around me. She did say she doesn't love me the same way anymore, in a romantic sense. But do you think she wants me in her life because she isn't going to close the book on us forever? I think she just needs some serious space to think about things. I need space to work on myself and think about things as well. Like you said before, only time will tell.
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 OK, this is the thinking part.... You are like family to her. How do you treat a family member? Let's back up even further. Say she sees you as a valued friend. How do you treat a friend? Think about that and think about how she is treating you, right now. Interesting, isn't it?
kizik Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I'm going to tell you how I see it. She's extremely temperamental and cold. When you attempted to share your feelings, she wouldn't hear them. Instead, she got VERY defensive and angry. I don't doubt that she was "hurt," but her reaction to you - the cold shoulder, the retreat, etc. - these are all forms of verbal/emotional abuse. She's clearly not content with herself. And you, my friend, have some depression that needs to be tended to through medication and therapy. You don't see it now, but you really dodged a serious bullet with this chick. I hope you don't get back together, and I pray you don't get married, b/c even through the lame excuse called the Internet, I can tell you two are incompatible. I've been there, man. I'm coming up on a year since my breakup. My ex treated me like the way yours did, too. And we deserve SOOO much better. Your ex is an unhappy person, and that will NEVER change. The only thing that can change is YOU.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 OK, this is the thinking part.... You are like family to her. How do you treat a family member? Let's back up even further. Say she sees you as a valued friend. How do you treat a friend? Think about that and think about how she is treating you, right now. Interesting, isn't it? I'm still an emotional wreck right now, so I am not sure what you mean. Do you mean that she really isn't treating me the way one should treat a family member or a valued friend?
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 When you're feeling better, re-visit this suggestion. There's real value in understanding the psychology of it. When someone proposes to love me in a certain way, I compare with how I feel love from those with whom I have standing and mutual satisfying relationships. For example, should my spouse treat me at least as "well" as a good friend? I think so; in fact, I expect more of someone I've committed to love and be loyal to. Does your fiance treat you, right now, at least as well as a friend would? Empathize with you? Care about you? Be interested in you? Put it aside for now and come back to it later....
Chinook Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 From what I recall, both Carhill and Kizik are guys. You asked for a lady perspective. That's me Okay, let me start by saying - things are where they are and you can only deal with what happens hence forth. You cannot and should not beat yourself up about what has already passed. So what happened with your lady... is basically that you burst her bubble. That is she held you in high esteem and she had you high on that pedestal... so high that you only had one way to go. Now, because you were following your own feelings and you were trying to be honest - you told her how you felt. That immediately bursts the bubble and puts a stop to the initial loving feeling she has for you (not that she doesn't love you, she does). The pain, disappointment, hurt, anger and betrayal (yes, betrayal) is very hard for ladies to just click their fingers and resolve right away. You are right, she does need space. It is likely that in time, she will come back to you - but don't be surprised if it takes a good deal of time. Read [this article] about the way a woman feels hurt. Look at the things it talks about when it talks about the return of the love to the woman's heart. The length of time it takes, in my experience, is directly correlated to the level of hurt she felt at the time of the pain inflicted. You see your uncertainty although it was about YOU, she will have thought inside that actually it's about HER and when you step away from your partner like that, you make a conscious decision to put distance between you and she will have had no choice but to accept that. Over the following months and weeks, she will have tried to get the feeling back... but it is hard. Do not assume that she has simply made a decision and is off and running. She hasn't. She has asked you for time - your best bet is to give that to her and let her feelings for you return, let her miss you.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Thanks Chinook. That was a great post. I am glad I got a woman's perspective on the issue. I tried putting myself in her shoes, like if it was the other way around, I know I wouldn't be as hurt and I wouldn't have broken up with her in the end. This is probably because I am a guy and guys are a lot different than women. I am trying not to beat myself up anymore, it gets better each day. But each day I wake up and I still feel this tremendous love for her and I wish I could just wipe the slate clean and start over with her. I know that right now all I can do is give her time...and in the meantime work very hard on myself and achieve happiness on my own.
RecordProducer Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I am sorry you're hurting. I understand that you're still living together, righty? But things are up and down because she is not sure she still wants you, is that correct?says she doesn't want to do this anymore and that she doesn't love me the way she used to and doesn't see a future with me. This crushed me. She did say however that her feelings may change at some point and that she couldn't say for sure, its just now she thinks it would be best to have some space. It sounds like she's met or is interested in someone else. She wants "space" but she's leaving enough space to get back with you in case the "space" doesn't work. Of course, this is just a guess. So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work? Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back? Listen, if you want the truth, tell her NOW that you're done with her and sick of her crap for good. Then pack your bags, leave and don't look back. If she loves you, since she was the one who kept saying "no, no, no" she'll beg you to come back. If she doesn't, then move on.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 So tonight she came to me crying saying she was sorry for ever hurting me and sorry for her behavior in the past. She said she cares about me very much and wants me to be happy. Later she was asking me all about the place I am moving into. She also woke up and came to me telling me she didn't feel good because she hit her head earlier and was worried and wanted to let me know. I don't know what to make of these actions.
kizik Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Tell her to get a CAT Scan. And then tell her to call you only if she wants you in her life. Otherwise, you've got some livin' to do on your own.
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 I don't know what to make of these actions. They are designed to elicit empathy and caring. This is known as pushing a man's emotional buttons. Accept them as valid, for now. As I often say, time reveals all truths
Author Cristoforo Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Time may reveal all truths...I just wish I knew what those truths were going to be.
carhill Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Would you like to know you're going to die tomorrow? Just an extreme example.... To me, life is a process and the journey is its own reward. The truths we discover were always there, just hidden. And so it will be for you. Be refocusing on the process rather than agonizing over this one facet, you'll find the joy of living to permeate both yourself and those you touch. If this person is for you, it will touch her. No idea whether that's your truth or not, but wanted to throw it out there as one potential
Author Cristoforo Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 I just wish I could get into her head and know what she is thinking and if she thinking that we could ever get back together some day.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Ever since she came to me crying, we haven't really talked. I am getting scared that she is forgetting about me and doesn't really care. I know its probably just paranoia. I am moving out in 2 days and I'm scared. I know she is probably just respecting my wishes of not wanting to see her, but I keep feeling like she doesn't care about me anymore. We were together 5 years. This has never happened before, this time I am actually moving out, this time I actually have to do NC and it terrifies me. All I can do is think of her and wonder what she is thinking.
kizik Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 You have to assume the worst. That she does not love you or care about you anymore. I'm sorry for what's happening, and I hate to spell it out like that, b/c it sounds sh*tty... but in all likelihood, that is the truth. So what can you do? You can start taking charge of your OWN life. When? TODAY.
Author Cristoforo Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 You really think she doesn't care? After 5 years? She called me today and left a message about me moving out and us sorting out whose stuff is whose. Then she asked if something happened because she said last night I seemed more upset than usual. Why does she even care, if you say, she doesn't care? Is she playing mind games? If she doesn't care, why does she still have pictures of me on her computer, why does she still hav pictures of us on display at the house. Why is she hanging around the house when she said before she would stay at her mom's. Why is she always asking if I'm alright? Its just so confusing and I can't wait to move out.
kizik Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Cristoforo, how do I know? All I said is to assume the worst. Right now you need to pay attention to the disconnect between her words and her actions. For example, does she SAY she cares/loves you, but then doesn't treat you well? As we all know, the actions are the most important parts when it comes to interpersonal relationships. STOP trying to figure her out. Yes, you were together for 5 years, but in the end, it doesn't mean sh*t. It just means that two people didn't advance themselves for 5 straight years. She WANTS you to wonder what she's thinking, what she'll do, etc. TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM HER by pursuing what is important to YOU.
bean1 Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Having a partner who suffers from depression and is on medication for it is not for everyone. It can be an emotional drain and not all people can handle it. She may be one of those people. If my fiance asked me to postpone the wedding because of cold feet in addition to depression, I would probably do the same thing that she did. Sorry. But that's a lot of rejection and challenges, some people aren't up to it.
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