Hacky Sack Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Hi everyone, I have been reading these boards for a little while and thought I would get some advice on a situation I am currently facing My gf of 4 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I saw her briefly the following day and it was extremely painful so since then I have been going No Contact. I didn’t actually tell her I wanted NC, it just kind of happened since I wanted to give myself space to deal with everything. Since then she has texted me a couple of times, basically just asking how I have been etc. I have not responded. However I am not sure whether I should offer anything back at this point. I’m worried that if I don’t reply at all to her it will come across as being petulant or childish, or she will think I am too upset to respond. But on the other hand I don’t want to correspond if it’s only to ease her through her own emotions or guilt, or to help her to feel better about the break up since we are “still friends”. So what should I do? I was thinking about just giving a short, to the point reply and nothing more. The thing that makes this situation difficult is that we are broken up, however she has said on numerous occasions that she could see us getting back together in the future, and that she wants to keep me as a part of her life. At first I thought I wanted this, but now I realise that I can’t just be downgraded to a friend since I still have strong feelings for her. I have accepted that it’s over and am trying my best to move on, however (even though it sounds contradictory) I also don’t want to wreck any chance of something happening in the future since we shared a very close relationship and the door has been left open to something maybe happening down the track. What are people’s thoughts? What is the best way for me to approach NC?
Taramere Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 When someone ends a relationship with you, they're voluntarily removing themselves from the position of mattering to you. On that basis, every time you find yourself asking "what will she think about this?" you already have your answer: It no longer matters what she thinks. Suggesting that the two of you might get back together in the future sounds like an attempt by her to retain a position of power and influence in your life without being in any way accountable to you. You don't have to play along with that.
mom07 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I understand what you are going through. But as long as you have your ex as a friend you won't be open to any other relationship, because you will be playing the what if card. As for your ex I believe that she is still in love with you and is questioning whether or not she made the right decision. You didn't give any details on why she broke up with you. So I can't give any real good advice.
Author Hacky Sack Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Basically it had been a rough couple of months, arguing a fair bit and not having a lot of quality time together. We decided to take a bit of space to sort out what we wanted and she came back saying that she had really missed me and still had feelings towards me, but not enough to get back into a relationship with me.
WhyYesThankYou Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Your posting sounds really mature; you seem to have thought about what you want and what you don't want. Good on you for not getting in touch with her while you still have some reservations about doing so. It sounds like she's trying to have her cake but eat it too. She broke up with you (or you decided to separate), and now she's saying she still has feelings but not enough to get back into a relationship with you. I think that sounds like the answer, really. And if you're not in a relationship with her, do you want to be answering questions about "how you've been" and opening up to that level of closeness, when you already got hurt once after seeing her post-breakup? As you're broken up, you certainly don't owe her anything - not even an "I'm fine, thanks." You're right, she could well be trying to assuage her guilt by checking in. If you tell her you're okay, and then she doesn't reply to you, or just says, "Good," how will you feel? You've then given HER the opportunity to ignore/not-reply-to you. I vote for your carrying on the NC. If she really realises she wants to get back together with you, she could tell you that and you could take it from there. Otherwise, if you really want to be with her (not as friends, but to get back together), you could tell her that. But little "How're you going?" texts seem like pulling off a Band-Aid/plaster very slowly at best, and like little mind games at worst. If you really want a relationship or nothing-at-all with her, stick with the NC.
Author Hacky Sack Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Thanks WYTY and others, it is extremely helpful to get some other perspectives. She knows that I want to give it a second chance, I made that abundantly clear. I also told her that I couldn't be friends with her because I know myself well enough to know that it would kill me right now to be "just friends" whilst I still have such strong feelings for her. I should add that we work together and share a close group of mutual friends, so unfortunately some level of contact will be inevitable in the future.
Author Hacky Sack Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 I have been doing some thinking about this and whilst it seems that most people here encourage keeping NC, I am concerned that doing so will come across as "sulking" or me not being able to handle talking to her, which I obviously don't want. How long should I go before replying to her? I know that I should not care what she thinks and I want her to know that I am moving on with my life, but I am worried that ignoring her will harm any future prospects we may have, and I don't want to come across as rude. On the other hand I don't want to slip straight into the "friends zone". Is there a risk that not replying will just alienate her further? If I do reply, will it undo all the good work I have done by going NC? I feel so silly its has been a couple days since she messaged me and this is doing my head in!
WhyYesThankYou Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I know where you're coming from... I'm also increasingly of the opinion that the people who frequent this lovely site are generally the people who want to get their exes back, and who want to be in contact with them (no matter what sort of crap has gone down in the past). And I think even if logically they think things won't work out, and they understand all the reasons not to contact their ex, they want want want to do it anyway. You've asked for advice from relatively objective, detached people, and no one has said, "Yes! Go for it! Contact her!" And now you're asking again. Is that what you want? If you want to contact her, go for it.
Author Hacky Sack Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 I know hearing people say these things must be frustrating. I frustrate myself a lot at the moment To be honest I don't really "want" to be in contact with her right now (if all she wants is friendship). My number one goal, no matter how difficult it is, is moving forward. But I have read in other threads on this board that if you want your ex back and after a few weeks of NC they contact you, that it can be an opportunity to slowly rebuild things. Wishful thinking perhaps on my part because as people say, she probably just misses my friendship. It's just weird, and I'm sure people here can relate, in the end stages of the relationship, and then through the break up period, it was ALWAYS me initiating the contact, suggesting things to do etc. It was as if I had fallen off her radar. Now suddenly we break up, and she has initiated contact half a dozen times and I haven't once. Kinda does my head in.
nature Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 What was her reasoning for breaking up with you, other than not getting along for a few months....why weren't you getting along?? I think you are handling this breakup exceptionally well for having been together 4 yrs....and for being broken up only 3 wks. You are sounding extremely mature. I usually say, stay NC. But because of the fact that you are handling this so well and being so mature, and gentlemanly about it all. I think that you should respond to her if you feel like it so badly. I think you should simply be honest and say to her: "I appreciate you checking in with me to ask how I am. I am doing fine thank you, and am really just trying to move forward with my life and rethink my future now that we are no longer a couple. Take care of yourself and I am sure we will bump into one another in the future." That way you are still being polite, but you are subtly letting her know that you are not her buddy. That you still care about her well being, but that if you are not together, then you are moving on with your life and you're not just giong to be sitting around as her buddy. Know what I mean????
Chinook Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Hacky Sack, I think you have your own answer. Unfortunately, 'no contact' should only be used as a means of healing and a means of being able to move on. It is not a strategy for getting your ex to come back to you (although often they make first contact as a result). What you have to decide is whether you want her back and if you do, how you will go about it. To me, it doesn't make sense to maintain 'no contact' when you actually do want a relationship with her. But that said, you are also leaving yourself open to abuse because she could and might have you running around after her. This happened to me recently and unfortunately now, I have put myself into a position where I prefer my own sanity and space to someone who continually playing games and dangling me on a string at their convenience. No sirree thankyouverymuch.
Sonic_chaos Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 i agree with Chinook. Its a very fine line from using NC to pull your girlfriend in and contacting you and alienating her from you totally. Does depend on the women in my experience so far. And only you will know that answer mate.. Im going thro something similar with the trying to dawn my ex in to contacting me with NC. Even though this happened within the first week of NC, i came over short and happy cheery type style of txt with a single X at the back, Just to show i still care for her. But nothing major. but i havent had face to face contact for 3 weeks but i think myself thats gonna change soon and try contracting her. my ex will not ignore me, im sure of it. Thats the kind of person she is. probably might make me wait, but its only the sorta things ive been doing with her. the worse point for you is that you work with her, so friends will talk and she will always get to know something about you, so no contact might not work in its fullest scenario. I wouldnt go into txting her 10 times a day again if i was to break contact. Just the odd one a week etc. Like i said yours is a bad one to be honest.
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