deonep Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I have been dating a guy for over 3 years. We are both 50 years old. We are from different worlds. I have children he has none. he has been married once divorced 21 years. We love each other and try to spend as much time together as possible. We both work full time and have a lot going on. Me more then him with a 21 year old and 15 year old and being a single Mom. This weekend we were suppose to have dinner with my brother his wife and new baby. They were in town and I only see them maybe once or twice a year. I asked him on Monday if he would like to go to dinner with us. He says yes. We talked about it again on Thursday and twice on Friday. I told him on Friday I would let him know what time and where. I text-ed him and he said OK and we scheduled a time to meet. I go for a run and 30 minutes after I told him what time and where he texts me that he is not going to be able to make it. That he is sorry but that he has been invited to play golf. And that he really wants to play golf. That was it. I have not spoken to him since except for a text I received on that Friday night that said he had finished golf and was getting something to eat and going home and he hoped I got his message. I have not spoken to him since friday and it is Monday now. He has a history on canceling at the last minute and has done this to this same brother twice now. Sometimes if he is upset about something he disappears for a few days until he is ready to talk. Is this normal behavior? I would really like to have a guys opinion on this. Help me here. I know he loves me but what gives??????
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I'm a 50 year old guy with no children. I often have suffered through dinners with my wife and her family and/or friends and she mine. We never have bailed on each other, even though our marriage sucks right now. This is a basic character issue with this man. His priorities and yours apparently don't match up. He might be passive-aggressive. He might have a "thing" about your brother and isn't man enough to talk about it. Bailing on someone you've been intimate with for 3 years, without good reason (like his mother died), is disrespectful and wrong. Tell him I said so, one 50 year old man to another
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 So wait, he told you that the time you offered interfered with plans he'd already set within an hour of your having offered said time? If I am reading that right, I don't really see the problem, except that he chose golf over the dinner. "That time doesn't work for me" isn't a cancellation in my mind.
Art_Critic Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Bailing on someone you've been intimate with for 3 years, without good reason (like his mother died), is disrespectful and wrong. Tell him I said so, one 50 year old man to another I couldn't agree more with a post than this one.. I also think that he has a different view of your relationship than you do.. I personally would be doing a coming to Jesus meeting if I were in your shoes and during that meeting make up my mind on whether or not to kick him to the curb or not.. Either that or just never speak to him again...see how he likes that
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I tried to just edit my post to clarify, but was unable to do so. So: I am tired and not constructing my thoughts properly at the moment it seems. What I was trying to get to, is to ask if he tried to set another time? How did the discussion pan out about the dinner? Did he have any input on the time or any forewarning? Did he give a reason for not just rescheduling the golf thing? 30 minutes seems a pretty decent turn-around time for a text, if discussion is kept open.
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 The guy bailed the same day (likely within a few hours) of the dinner. A last minute evening golf invitation? OK, that's plausible, but IME my business colleagues plan their golf adventures days/weeks in advance, simply to reserve an appropriate tee time at the club. Kinda hard to believe, unless this was putt and shoot I'll offer my analysis. This is a man, likely a passive-aggressive man, who isn't really emotionally attached to his partner. He does what he wants to do. He carries on like nothing has happened. He will wait, likely a few more days, and then call and speak all friendly like nothing has happened. He will offer soothing and romantic words and gestures and "oh baby you know I love you"'s. This is how some men (and women) operate. Is it healthy? Not in my book. YMMV
Author deonep Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 So wait, he told you that the time you offered interfered with plans he'd already set within an hour of your having offered said time? If I am reading that right, I don't really see the problem, except that he chose golf over the dinner. "That time doesn't work for me" isn't a cancellation in my mind. No. He had even said, you will be at my house at 5:45 and I said probably closer to 6:00 He text-ed me at 4:03 That he was not going to be able to make it because he had been invited to play golf with some guys in the building where he works and that he was sorry, but he really wanted to play golf. This was text ed to me not even a phone call.
Author deonep Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 That's what I keep thinking. I am more emotionally attached then him even though have been together for 3 years. It's just so sad because he is a great guy, he just has attachment issues and I do this passive aggressive issues. I just have to decide what to do here. Thanks for your advice.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 That's what I keep thinking. I am more emotionally attached then him even though have been together for 3 years. It's just so sad because he is a great guy, he just has attachment issues and I do this passive aggressive issues. I just have to decide what to do here. Thanks for your advice. IF a 21 marriage can dissolve than why not a 3 a year relationship? I'm sorry, but he definitely have problems putting you in first place. If he loves you, it really wouldn't matter if he accompanies you to see your dentist or doctor, let alone your own brother.
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 No. He had even said, you will be at my house at 5:45 and I said probably closer to 6:00 He text-ed me at 4:03 That he was not going to be able to make it because he had been invited to play golf with some guys in the building where he works and that he was sorry, but he really wanted to play golf. This was text ed to me not even a phone call. Well, that's crap. There's no real valid excuse for bailing out of the dinner invitation at all, let alone in that manner.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I completely agree with Carhill on this one.
Author deonep Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Thank you so much. I am just trying to decide if this is normal or not. He has done it several times before. I think you are right about him being passive aggressive.
Girlygirl1977 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Thank you so much. I am just trying to decide if this is normal or not. He has done it several times before. I think you are right about him being passive aggressive. Carhill is on the money. This guy is emotionally detached and given he has done it a few times before, he doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about it. You are more invested that he is. . .
Author deonep Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 So wait, he told you that the time you offered interfered with plans he'd already set within an hour of your having offered said time? If I am reading that right, I don't really see the problem, except that he chose golf over the dinner. "That time doesn't work for me" isn't a cancellation in my mind. No. He texted me after we had set a time to meet and then texted me that he wanted to play golf insread of meeting with us. In other words golf was more iand was not going to make it. That is after we had conformed the time and the place.
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 No. He texted me after we had set a time to meet and then texted me that he wanted to play golf insread of meeting with us. In other words golf was more iand was not going to make it. That is after we had conformed the time and the place. I'm confused, is this a glitch in the Matrix? I already said I agreed that is messed up.
Chinook Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I just ended my relationship with my ex-bf for this kind of passive-aggressive behaviour. Cancelling dinners he didn't want to attend. Not bothering to text or call when he knew things were planned and coming up with the 'I forgot' excuse. Sorry, if you 'forgot' me, then I sure as hell can forget you sonny-jim. Next!
Girlygirl1977 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 No. He texted me after we had set a time to meet and then texted me that he wanted to play golf insread of meeting with us. In other words golf was more iand was not going to make it. That is after we had conformed the time and the place. Keep your self respect - as he is not giving you a good sign. I would guess you believe you deserve better? The title is stronger than the points - but have you read "Why men love bi#@tches"? The point is you shouldnt put up with this behavior etc. . . and when you started to accept it earlier on, it allowed this to continue. But the bottom line if he is not really "in it", there is little power you have.
manugeorge Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 It's not so much passive agressive as it is selfishness, he feels that his needs/wants come first. He can't make himself "suffer" through lunch with your brother because goshdarnit, golf is just more interesting. This only means that you are not much of a priority for him. We all know there are certain things our SO are into that we will rather skip. My boyfriend has some hobbies that I compare to watching paint dry...they are just that boring TO ME. But I indulge him when he wants me to participate, and I feign excitement. This is what you do for someone you claim to love.
Author deonep Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 The guy bailed the same day (likely within a few hours) of the dinner. A last minute evening golf invitation? OK, that's plausible, but IME my business colleagues plan their golf adventures days/weeks in advance, simply to reserve an appropriate tee time at the club. Kinda hard to believe, unless this was putt and shoot I'll offer my analysis. This is a man, likely a passive-aggressive man, who isn't really emotionally attached to his partner. He does what he wants to do. He carries on like nothing has happened. He will wait, likely a few more days, and then call and speak all friendly like nothing has happened. He will offer soothing and romantic words and gestures and "oh baby you know I love you"'s. This is how some men (and women) operate. Is it healthy? Not in my book. YMMV Thank you for your insight. Tonight I finally got another text message, still no phone call and he says I guess you are extremely mad at me and I am very sorry if you are. I hope you had fun with your brother and I want to and believe you got my messages. What do you think about that? How do you respond....
Girlygirl1977 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Thank you for your insight. Tonight I finally got another text message, still no phone call and he says I guess you are extremely mad at me and I am very sorry if you are. I hope you had fun with your brother and I want to and believe you got my messages. What do you think about that? How do you respond.... You have been dating for 3 years and this is his follow-up?! Wow - unfortunately this sounds still pretty bad. I would hope it takes more than that to get you to reconsider him seriously. He must be used to you tolerating low hanging fruit. Text msgs are really emotionally distant which I feel this guy is.
Author deonep Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Well I replied with a text that said, If you are reffering to the 2 text messages I got on Friday. I got them.
ColorCube Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Why initiate a conversation with this man? what are you to gain?
Author deonep Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Closure I suppose after a 3 year relationship with me and my girls.
dreamergrl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Thank you for your insight. Tonight I finally got another text message, still no phone call and he says I guess you are extremely mad at me and I am very sorry if you are. I hope you had fun with your brother and I want to and believe you got my messages. What do you think about that? How do you respond.... *insert sarcasm here* No, I'm not upset at all, why ever would you assume so after bailing on our plans we had for how long? Really, it's no big deal, please forgive me for letting me almost get in the way of golf *end sarcasm*
Recommended Posts