lostsoulmate Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Have the two of you sat down and tried to figure out what needs you haven't met for her, and vice versa? Good luck this weekend.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 We've sat down numerous times and she's told me what her problem with me was, but its almost a little too late. I've told her I would be willing to change, but she doesn't want to hear it. I had an emotional affair early in our marriage and it hurt her bad. But that was 10 years ago. There was no excuse for it, but she still clings to the pain. That's what is stopping us from moving forward along with her recent affair. As of last night we had a serious talk about divorce. She said she is going through with it. We need a 1 year separation and are in month 2 right now. Unless things change dramatically, that's where we are heading. I don't want it to end. 13 years and 4 kids, I don't want a divorce. We are going through counseling right now, just started, so we'll see how it goes. I'm praying hard and hoping I can maintain myself and stay level headed through all of this. Its really difficult as you all know, but it hurts me more knowing this will all be ending soon. Thanks.
Author sucre8095 Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 All, just to give you an update. We went to MC yesterday and the counselor said she couldn't help me. My Wife was too far gone from me. She reiterated she doesn't love me anymore and she wants to move forward towards divorce. I tell you it was stab in the gut and it hurt just as equally. The pain still dwells and I open for any advice on how to get rid of it. We currently live together and every moment I'm around her or my kids it gets me emotional. Actually every waking moment I'm emotional. I wish this were a bad dream so I could just wake up. I just wanted to thank everyone for having a virtual ear during my triumph. This is a great site to voice your problems and there's alot of good people out here to help. Thank you all.
carhill Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I didn't participate in the OP but, reading the progression, I could tell she was "thinking" rather than "feeling". The outcome didn't surprise me, based on reading many similar stories here. You're entering another phase, one for which this forum can also be helpful. You'll likely need emotional support and suggestions during the divorce process. Each decision you make will have future repercussions. Think of it as the snowball effect. When you're ready to talk about that, if applicable, post in the separation/divorce forum. My sympathies.
CaliGuy Posted May 6, 2009 Posted May 6, 2009 I've posted other threads..but here's a quick summary. I'm going through separation with my wife of 13yrs and 4 children. She had an affair that i hope has ended. She tells me she's not in love with me anymore, yet we are trying to work on it. She's given me chances and I'm trying not to smother her anymore. We don't sleep together and she's put this big wall up. Nothing I do impresses her anymore. I'm doing more chores around the house that I've ever done. What do you ladies mean when you say you need space. I'm sure other men want to know. Does it mean just to leave you alone, don't talk to you, what? Please help! -A needy, desperate man. In your case, I know what it means and I think you do too (the infidelity says it all). Get the book called "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) and read it. If there's a chance to save your marriage, his book will help you. And if you should walk away, he'll give you the knowledge and strength to know when you should and to follow through. Sorry for what you are going through and I wish you the best.
Author sucre8095 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Thanks Carhill and Caliguy. I agree the infidelity is what's carrying her through to this divorce. Everyone is telling me to let her go and if I care to wait, she'll come back. No one has treated my wife the way I did. I did her wrong a long time ago, but nothing recent. She is making excuses for what I did way back to continue her affair. The biggest justice for me would be to walk out and prove to her that I was the best thing for her. I'm guessing she will find out when she runs off with this guy and finds out he's not the best thing she thought he was, especially since he's 10yrs younger than her and still living with mom and dad. I will check out the book, because my focus is trying to get out emotionally. I can't help but to be in the house and still be a wreck everytime I see her or my kids or pictures. I hope the book will work, I need something right now. Also, without being prescribed prozac, anyone know anything to help treat depression. I just started taking Gingko Biloba. Not sure how long that takes to work but its only been 3 days. I still feel like crap. Thanks for your advice.
Admiral Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 She had an affair that i hope has ended. So why the hell are you still with her? She tells me she's not in love with me anymore It means that she is no longer sexually attracted to you. -A needy, desperate man This is probably why she no longer feels anything for you. LEAVE HER.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Sometimes I think wanting space is a process of detatching. This may not be the case with your wife; but when the space they want is frequent and appears to be impacting in terms of emotional distancing or physical distancing rather than just some time apart, I think it can be damaging. Space and time apart can kill or save a relationship.
Author sucre8095 Posted May 8, 2009 Author Posted May 8, 2009 The distancing part is difficult when your everyday affairs involve 4 kids and maintaining a house. In the evening, I confine myself to my room and if there is interaction, I respectfully acknowledge, but right now I'm at the point where I'm just not trying to rock the boat. I'm just keeping to myself and the kids and I do the necessary chores that I have to do and go to work. I've thought about leaving, but I think it would be better if she left, because if she stayed, she would still have the things to remind her of me (i.e. the kids, house). If she left, she would have no distractions and could possibly think about how great her life is with me and the kids. I know I'm grabbing for air but its not easy just letting her go. Most of you know that. Just keep writing to me. Your advice on everything helps.
Author sucre8095 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Ok I will use caution here because we're really not all the way back together, but things are looking good. Ok the background first. I had come early from work one day and asked her if she wanted to go to lunch. So we went to Panera and had lunch, it was very comfortable. My daughter is going through soccer tryouts so my wife and I have been having numerous discussions about this. So many things to decide on. Our daughter has made us so proud, so we're constantly talking about which team to chose. So at Panera we talked about it some more. In all we spent about 3 hours there. Then next day she calls me at work asking me what I'm doing. I said the usual stuff. She asks me if I can play hookie from work. I told her maybe but I would surprise her if I could. So I got off work and called her on the way home. She got me lunch and when she got home, she got me a Chik--fil-a Lemondae which is my favorite. But she gave it to me in a way that was kind of like I got you something special today. I thanked her and gave her a kiss near her lips. We ate lunch, then watched TV on the couch. We laid there and then I just went over and gave her a hug and told her "I love you". Her response............... "I missed you" It was great! We sat there and embraced for a while. She started crying and we just held each other. I can't begin to explain how wonderful it was. She told me that last night she had come into my room and laid down next to me for a little while. I hadn't noticed. Apparently she couldn't sleep. It was nice to hear that, so apparently there has been some emotion building up inside of her. So we talked for a little while. She says she wants to take things slow. She also said there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I owe her a proper proposal. I guess she knows my proposal when we got married was not as sincere as she wanted it to be. Our early years of marriage were not the best but hopefully we can make up for it. Later on that day we went to a movie, holding hands, wearing our wedding bands. She hasn't quite accepted the kiss yet, but I know that will come in time. It was funny though she said the thing that brought us back together was my daughter. As proud as we both were for her success, she came to realize how important our kids need both their mother and father. And since were are products of divorced parents, she said she didn't want to make the same mistakes her mother made. Overall keeping my distance from her and letting things go by as I took time to be with my kids helped. This anguish that has lasted almost 5 months now seems to be going away. I will tell all of you that things aren't back to the way they were, but they are getting better. I thank you all for both the positive and negative comments. They helped "me" to formulate the position I wanted to take in this marriage. I hope that for everyone out there, things will also work out in the end. Again I will take my time on this, but hopefully I will be able to post that things are back to the way they were, but much better. Take care.
carhill Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Let her approach you the next time. Remember, she had the affair and now misses you, or so she says. Balance your feelings regarding her presence with what she is actually saying and doing. That's an important distinction. We often assign more value to the former than is deserved. IMO, more thinking on her part. Voice of experience talking...
Author sucre8095 Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Also forgot to mention one thing. We've been sleeping in seperate bedrooms for the past 5 months, but the night before, I slept on the couch and she slept in our bed, in the same room! But last night she went back to her room and her bed. I'm approaching things cautiously, not getting too anxious. She has been taking advantage of my massaging lately. She's had a bad muscle pull in her back for the last week and has asked me to massage it out. I've done this 3 times in the past week. Things going good so far.
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