sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I've posted other threads..but here's a quick summary. I'm going through separation with my wife of 13yrs and 4 children. She had an affair that i hope has ended. She tells me she's not in love with me anymore, yet we are trying to work on it. She's given me chances and I'm trying not to smother her anymore. We don't sleep together and she's put this big wall up. Nothing I do impresses her anymore. I'm doing more chores around the house that I've ever done. What do you ladies mean when you say you need space. I'm sure other men want to know. Does it mean just to leave you alone, don't talk to you, what? Please help! -A needy, desperate man.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I think she needs time for herself.. Leave her alone.. I know it's not easy... but that's what it is.. Methink your marriage is pretty much over.. she's now in love with someone else.. I would bet that she's still seeing him or at least thinking a lot about him... For now.. just don't ask her anything.. let her have her 'space' for a period of time (not indefinitely) then talk things over and decide if you both want the marriage to work or not.. She probably hasn't left yet because of the children.... Children keep parents together against their will..
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 When I say "I need space" I mean ... I need literal and metaphorical space (distance) from you. It is basically a nice way of saying "leave me alone".
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Lizzie I hope you are wrong, but I am working on the space issue. And I think you are right about her being there for the kids. But what I'm trying to ask the ladies is, that other than space and leaving her alone, what can us men do in the mean time. What if/any act of kindness can we do to make you smile or have some kind of effect back? I don't want to believe its over, so I'm making every effort to try.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Lizzie I hope you are wrong, but I am working on the space issue. And I think you are right about her being there for the kids. But what I'm trying to ask the ladies is, that other than space and leaving her alone, what can us men do in the mean time. What if/any act of kindness can we do to make you smile or have some kind of effect back? I don't want to believe its over, so I'm making every effort to try. Just be nice.. without overdoing it.. take care of the kids.. house chores... don't wait for her to ask .. Take care of the kids while she's out.. Don't talk to her about the A.. don't talk about any suspicions you might have.. You might have already lost her.. so.. really you have nothing to lose by doing all this.. and giving her the opportunity to really find out what she wants... She might opt for the kids and family and leave this other guy.. maybe..
SummerLady Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I think it means very low interest level which in turn means the relationship may end more so then be successful. It seems like she has made up her mind but is buying more time, why only she knows. Could be various reasons. None of which would change the outcome. I would prepare for the end of the realtionship and begin to regroup for yourself. When love leaves someone's heart there is nothing you can do. Appreciate it for what it was and move on. If it was meant to be it will then return but if not you accept the circumstances and move on. Easy to say but hard to do I know. Be kind to yourself, its not your fault and beating yourself up will not change anything. This is all her. Not you.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I'm going to change my "strategy" now. I will focus on my kids and less of my wife. Slowly, my confidence is getting stronger but it still hurts to not be able to talk to her or be with her. I hope the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" saying will happen in my situation. Its an eggs in all basket risk, but I will try whatever I can to save my marriage. I'm not a bad guy, but I did take my wife for granted, and I want her to know that she means the world to me and we have so much more to live for in this life with our 4 children. Please keep me in your thoughts and if you have any more advice, please pass it my way.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I think you've decided on the best approach... take good care of your kids.. leave her a lot of free time.. How old are your kids?
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 My oldest is 12, 10, 7 and 4. 3 girls and one boy. I'm going to try and take them to the Park when the weather clears up. Its hard to entertain the oldest at the Park, but she will have some fun there. Then I will alternate taking them to dinner and other activities without their mom. I know for me it will be hard not having my wife there, but some say that's tough love and that's what needs to happen. Rather than sabotage this marriage I will make it tough for me and try it rather than lose it all. Wish me luck.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Activities with your kids.. will be good for both you and them.. it will bring them much closer to you.. and it could be fun too. Park, movies (even a movie night at home with popcorn, etc.), walks in nature, museums.. arts and crafts (girls love that)... ball game outside... or just throw ball.. If your wife has lots of time on her own.. and see that you're really taking good care of your children.. that might entice her to stop looking outside and see and appreciate what's inside. Good luck!
seibert253 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I'm going to change my "strategy" now. I will focus on my kids and less of my wife. Slowly, my confidence is getting stronger but it still hurts to not be able to talk to her or be with her. I hope the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" saying will happen in my situation. Its an eggs in all basket risk, but I will try whatever I can to save my marriage. I'm not a bad guy, but I did take my wife for granted, and I want her to know that she means the world to me and we have so much more to live for in this life with our 4 children. Please keep me in your thoughts and if you have any more advice, please pass it my way. Not a lady, but if you're not familar with the 180 read up on it and start. Nothing you do will "win back" your wife. She's in the affair fog right now. There's only one thing that seems to snap a women out of the affair fog, and that's a good smack of reality upside the head. Here's a plan you may wish to consider: Sit down and tell her you can no longer live the way you are. She has two options, work to heal your marriage, or leave. Give her one week to make her decision. Tell her if she chooses not to repair your marriage, then you will help her find a place to stay, and help her move. She's the one who's checking out on your marriage and family, she's the one who leaves, not you.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Thanks Lizzie, I appreciate the advice. I will try it and hopefully she will see it. I also plan on doing portraits without here to see how she feels about that. Someone else gave me that advice to try. Seibert. I hope to never take your advice, but if it goes South, I will try that, but only when I think its truly over. I'm hoping after our talks, she claims she was willing to co-exist with me in the same house to eventually possibly re-unite. I will try the absence for a month to see how things work and re-evaluate. I'm starting to get more courage daily, but have to admit I do miss her much still. Thanks both.
Lizzie60 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 In a case like this.. I don't believe in ultimatum... You need patience.. and most of all.. take care of your kids.. Be patient with her.. it could pay off..
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I agree also. I did an ultimatum with her communicating with her A or else and it was met negatively. The next stage was to kick her out or me to leave, but with 4 kids and with finances it isn't easy. If we had no kids, I wouldn't be on this forum, but the kids make life difficult and I don't want them to be a product of divorced parents. We can have a fruitful life and I will do whatever I can for that to happen. The problems with my wife and I can be resolved without them ever knowing. That's the goal I have in mind. Thank you all for your input and support, positive or negative, I will learn, evaluate and execute my own destiny. Thanks again.
SummerLady Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 In a case like this.. I don't believe in ultimatum... You need patience.. and most of all.. take care of your kids.. Be patient with her.. it could pay off.. I agree with Lizzie never give an ultimatum, they always backfire. The kids need you so focus on them and in the meantime it will work out one way or the other.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I agree with Lizzie never give an ultimatum, they always backfire. The kids need you so focus on them and in the meantime it will work out one way or the other. Thanks Summerlady. I will keep you both posted on my progress. I appreciate your advice. I pray that things will go well.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 So I'm trying to give her the space she wants. I also decided to have her cook all the meals for the next 2 weeks. I do all the cooking in our home. She agreed no problem. Well, I have also been doing the laundry for the last 2 months. Before that she did it and cleaned the house. She has just shut down since our problems. Anyhow, she not only cleaned the kitchen, but she did some laudry and cooked. It was great! We sat down to a great spread and the food was delicious. After dinner I had to pickup my daughter from practice. I started to feel horrible because I was coming down with a cold. As soon as I got back home I told her I was going to go lay down because I wasn't feeling well. She asked me if I wanted some tea. I told her sure. 20mins later she brings me hot tea. Then asks if she minds that she watches TV in my room. We watched about 2hours of TV. I also have this balance board in my room. Its good for couples and familes, I highly recommend it. She played on that for about 15 mins and it was nice watching her smile again. So happy and joyous. My heart was warm and I just wished it was like this all the time. Anyhow, is it just wishful thinking or what. How do you ladies interpret yesterday? I'm overjoyed but wondering if it was just one day. By the way, she had work to do for her job (she works from home) and she pushed it off to hang out with me. Thanks.
Lizzie60 Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Don't be too quick.. it could be that one day... you'll both have your ups and downs.. but.. like I said before.. she might see you under a new day... be independant... don't be clingy.. do your thing... don't wait for her.. give her all the space she needs.. take care of you and your kids.. just 'ignore' her for a while... For some reason, people that are independant attracts... just wait and see.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 Don't be too quick.. it could be that one day... you'll both have your ups and downs.. but.. like I said before.. she might see you under a new day... be independant... don't be clingy.. do your thing... don't wait for her.. give her all the space she needs.. take care of you and your kids.. just 'ignore' her for a while... For some reason, people that are independant attracts... just wait and see. Thanks Lizzie. I will stay focused. I feel like a kid in a candy store, but being that I'm sick, I can maintain a low profile. The independence and distance seems to be re-iterated a lot in my readings. Its hard but I'll strive towards it. Thanks for your support. We'll have to chat off this forum one day.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Marriage is a rollercoaster! So Monday night my Mother in Law left her phone at my house. She has been counseling my wife and I get back to get there. She's been doing a good job, but I just can't help to think that they are conspiring somehow. THis is my flaw, I think to much. My mind is my own worst enemy. So I looked through her phone and sure enough I found an old text message back in Feb that my wife had typed, but never sent out using my MIL's phone. So when I went to drop off her phone I asked her if she knew that my wife was using her phone to text. She said no and got furious and was about to call my wife. I told her not to, because it was an old message. SHe was upset and I told don't worry about it, things are going good, lets not disrupt things. So I left. Tuesday came, I got a call from my wife mid-afternoon, asking if I had talked to the MIL. I said no why. She said she is very upset at me for what I discovered. I said why, she didn't tell me but that my MIL was coming over so we could talk. I tried calling her on the way home, but she did not answer. So when I got home, we sat down and talked and recounted the days events. After I explained what I had found, it didn't matter, she told me that my snooping was very disrespectful and everything she had done for me, its as if I was spitting in her face. I tried to explain that as her mother, there were things she would do for her, but she said she would never have done that to jeopardize the marriage. In my mind I suspected it, and when I saw the message its as if I got punched in the stomach. I guess I was wrong again. Apparently my wife, had used her phone without my MIL knowing. So I was yelled at by my MIL for about 15mins. She was furious and said she was done with me from this point on. Great! Now I lost a fighter in my corner. My wife then said it was definitely over and we should just work things out so the divorce is easier to deal with. It was a very sad evening. One weird thing happened before I left. She had just seen her counselor earlier that morning and mentioned that I should find out about a certain counselor to inquire about marriage counseling. We are currently seeing individual counseling only. I thought her questions was very odd, but I took that into account and went to my session. Then I went to see my counselor and explained this to her. She said the MIL should never have been involved and my suspicions for everything I do is related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Its similar to what soldiers experience when a life changing event happens. She helped to figure ways on how to curtail and heal from this. She also went back to my childhood and asked numerous questions to my upringing. It all started making sense to me now. I also asked about marriage counseling and she said that's exactly what I needed, both of us actually. She said there are 3 pillars of marriage counseling. One-is when both want the marriage to work. 2-When only one wants it to work. 3- When both do not want it to work. She said that in MC you will go one way or another depending on how we work things out. So i went back home and told my wife about my session and apologized again for messing things up. I explained to her why I snoop all the time and why I can't trust her. I told her how she diagnosed my childhood and ways that I can get help. She was very responsive to that and we had a great dialogue over the whole experience. It was a nice casual conversation that we haven't had in months. I told her about the pillars of MC and she was receptive again. I asked her if that was something she wanted to do. She said sure to give it a chance, but her demeanor was very sincere for once, like I had actually made progress with her emotionally. Wed came and I called in sick because I'm battling a cold. I went to register my daughter for school. Before I left, my wife asked if we wanted to take my daughter to lunch. I said lunch? She said yeah, I thought we could go to lunch. I was surprised, so I said sure. We had a great lunch, then we went bowling. After bowling we came how and I reminisced on the days events. However that evening, she said she wanted to go out with the girls to a bar an hour away. I didn't like it, but I wasn't going to stop it. She left at 9p and came home at 3:30am. I don't want to know what happened, but it sounded like they just had a girls night out. As emotionally unstable as I am, I had trouble with it, but I'm over it now. Anyhow sorry this was so long. Just wanted to keep you up to date. It looks promising.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Just wanted to provide an update for those that are following this story. Well I guess another down in my book. I know I shouldn't have pushed, but the timing seemed right. So, my wife was craving funnel cake and I knew we had the mix, so we were watching tv and soon she said she wanted to go to bed. So I went downstairs and made a funnel cake real quick. I told her I had a surprise for her and when she saw the funnel cake, she was happy. So we started eating the cake. Then I said "How about a kiss". The look said it all. I know it was a bad move. So I gave her a kiss on the cheek close to her lips. I could tell it was uncomfortable for her, but I just needed the connection. I have to tell myself to not attempt those anymore. What do you guys think? Its hard not to have contact with her because of the kids, but should I just stay on my side of the house and avoid her or just be friendly. I'm still doing most of the cooking. Should I just be to myself and not invite her to watch TV/Movies. We usually watch Heroes or Biggest Loser together. I would love to hear your advice. Thanks
Lizzie60 Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Sucre.. my advice to leave her alone.. to ignore her.. was just that.. leave her alone.. meaning no 'treats' nothing.. this 'cake treat' made you look desperate and pathetic.. probably a huge turn-off again for her.. PLEASE be strong (even if you're not inside) and independant (even if you're emotionally devastated)... it's the only way you'll ever win her back.. if you do.. I'm not saying you will.. but by being cligny and emotionally dependant.. it will sure ruin all your chances of winning her back... She's has emotionally left the marriage.. except for the children.. so be patient.. it might pay off..and maybe it won't .. but at least, you would have tried everything..
Author sucre8095 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Again thanks for the advice. After I did the cake thing, I reflected back and realized my desperation and how pathetic I must've looked. Alot of times I feel like I'm in a trance or a hypnotic state. I will try harder. This weekend we will be out of town, so staying in a hotel, just the two of us. Don't worry, I've got the couch. It will be interesting though to see how she behaves.
paperchase Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Just wanted to provide an update for those that are following this story. Well I guess another down in my book. I know I shouldn't have pushed, but the timing seemed right. So, my wife was craving funnel cake and I knew we had the mix, so we were watching tv and soon she said she wanted to go to bed. So I went downstairs and made a funnel cake real quick. I told her I had a surprise for her and when she saw the funnel cake, she was happy. So we started eating the cake. Then I said "How about a kiss". The look said it all. I know it was a bad move. So I gave her a kiss on the cheek close to her lips. I could tell it was uncomfortable for her, but I just needed the connection. I have to tell myself to not attempt those anymore. What do you guys think? Its hard not to have contact with her because of the kids, but should I just stay on my side of the house and avoid her or just be friendly. I'm still doing most of the cooking. Should I just be to myself and not invite her to watch TV/Movies. We usually watch Heroes or Biggest Loser together. I would love to hear your advice. Thanks My rule on kissing is if you have to ask, the answer is no. The last time I asked for a kiss Jimmy Carter was president.
Author sucre8095 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 You are right paperchase. Again, I feel powerless now that I've been hurt so bad. Its pathetic to know that I've stooped to be this weak mentally. Its very difficult to shrug this pain. Even when I'm with my kids its hard especially with my oldest, because she's a spitting image of my wife. They all have a specific characteristic of hers and its tough to not think of her also. I hope the kids will anchor her down long enough for her to know that she's made a mistake and that I will be strong enough for her to know that we can continue this marriage somehow. That's my wish. We will begin MC next week. I hope it will provide a turn of events. At least we aren't fighting anymore, that's a blessing in itself. Thanks all.
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