Insane or what?

[smile_through_tears]

Hey everyone!!! I'm hoping some of you guys will give me some advice on how to make myself feel better and move forward in this situation...As you all know my ex left me 9 months ago...I was devastated and heartbroken...That's actually an understatement...I think it has messed me up in so many ways..or maybe after it weird things followed...

 

I feel like I am paranoid about EVERYTHING..and not in a "normal" way...I'll seriously start crying over things such as getting an illness or something really major...I kissed somebody as I was trying to move on from my ex, then things with him didnt work out...This guy was SO WEIRD...I'm not the one to be rude but his personality was seriously suspicious...So I started crying thinking what is he has a disease and if he had a cut inside his mouth and I kissed him and the blood got to me...These are very disturbing thoughts and they really bother me...I get like this over ANY "sexual" contact...even fingering...breast-sucking..etc...Sorry to be so specific..I dont know WHY i have this fear now but I always feel like people or "the world" is out to get me.

 

 

Now this guy...I never really liked him BUT he told me he really liked me and that he wanted to be with me...Everyone kept telling me how I was being selective so I decided to give him a chance (even though something REALLY didn't feel right about him) ..I kissed him and we did things such as touching and kissing on the neck, breasts etc...but we didn't have sex or oral sex...regardless whatever we were doing was really intense..I was "trying" to like him because I was "trying" to give him a chance and not be so picky...However it turned out I should have listened to myself...After we kiss and everything, I come home and later on I find out that he is doing the same with OTHER girls...AND calls one of my friends who he hardly even knows..and tells her he is IN LOVE with her...

 

 

I always knew he was weird and although I dont like him, for some reason I felt "betrayed', "hurt" and "shocked"...I didnt know this guy THAT well...but I knew him for months and we had had some conversations where he said he was SO AGAINST people doing things like this and everything. My friend put me on three way as she told him she was going to call him back...And he starts telling her all these CRAZY ROMANTIC things...using words such as "I can really see myself with you." He HARDLY knows her... worst of all THIS IS MY FRIEND! you were just kissing me two hours ago and swearing you weren't talking to anybody and talking about how REAL you are...

 

I have no idea why this really stinged for me. I am completely sure I do not like this guy...Yes I was giving him a chance because "he seemed like a nice guy" to my friends...and "i was so picky"..A part of me is relieved because now I dont have to "try" to like somebody..(being on your own is SO much better than being with someone you dont like)..but the other side of my feels BETRAYED...I'm more hurt at the fact of "how can people be SO FAKE?" I dont care at all about the fact that he messed with so many girls but I feel DISRESPECTED AND LIED TO. There was no need for that...And because he is SO WEIRD and a compulsive liar (but yet pretends to be SO PERFECT AND GOAL ORIENTED..that is why all my friends thought he was great but I saw something in him that was wrong 4 some reason)...So I feel like he has so many skeletons in his closet...I feel like he got some STD or something...and although I didnt have sex with him at all, I worry about it...sometimes im PARANOID about it...I dont know if Im crazy or if its peoples actions that make me crazy! Either way I hate it...

 

 

Skipping to another guy who claimed to "like me so much" (so thankful I didnt like him either) after a few months of "pretending" he finally tells my other friend that he never liked me, he always liked her..he just pretended to like me to make her jealous...okay now I never dated this guy so this really didnt bother me much...but I felt like "wow.what if i would have actually liked him???" Again I felt disappointed with how LITTLE people think, or they hardly think at all...

 

 

And bringing it back to my "first" love, (the one before this ex)...He tells me he likes me and everything but then when we hang out and someone calls..he ALWAYS goes awayso I dont hear it.. and being the respectful person that I am, I never listen to his conversations..except for once because he let me wait for 20 mins to be on the phone and I was going over there to talk to him about this...And I walked in I heard "I love you too baby." But he says he doesnt have a girlfriend and really has NOBODY at this moment...he always talks about how lonely he is...Once again I felt so betrayed...

 

 

Now i am NOT some serial dater if thats how it seems...No I am on my own...the first guy came occasionally and we would talk and hang out once in awhile untill recently that I decided to give him a "chance"...second guy I never dated...and the third one has always been there as my friend/first real deep like or "love"...whenever i try to confront him and tell him "you're my friend...i dont think u like me and thats fine, but why do you tell me that you do when i see it you dont??" he tells me he really likes me and i am so important to him but yet he HARDLY EVER calls..if I dont call we can go a month without talking...but yet I am the only person he talks to "the most" and I notice whenever I call, he ALWAYS hangs up first...at times really soon and because of his other line or because he's doing something...he says he'll call back and he never does...but we're friends...

 

 

I have SO MANY numbers on my phone, so many "friends" but at the end of the day why does it feel like I only have one or two and my family??? I spent most of my days ALONE with my family and 3 or 4 true friends that I have...And when I tried to meet people and be nice, they do some really messed up crazy thing that makes me wonder how can some people be like that??? I have become paranoid about everything...I feel like everything is out to get me, like I must always watch my back...My ex was a beautiful person but he left me because his love was "gone" and he never returned...However that man was wonderful and I guess that's why it hurt so much to let him go...

 

 

I know I should be like one of those people who "doesnt care" and is okay with being done wrong because such is life but it eats at me...I want to stop dating altogether for now and not even take any chances because the last guy really creeped me out..hopefully he didnt have an std or something..he was so sneaky and dirty..I have become so PARANOID about things, i would seriously cry about stuff and I feel soooo Hurt and afraid of being more hurt...

 

 

I just want to be happy..yet I cant stop these fears of the world hurting me, or people hurting me and the most important PEOPLE BEING TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!! I have dealt with that too many times and Im only 20. Im currently seeing a therapist but thought I would share with you guys...sorry this is long..just had a lot on my mind... if you read this, you're a truly genwine and caring person...thank you soo much for taking the time!!!!!