BootsElectric Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Forgive the length, it's just hard to find people around who will listen to this stuff, and I need to get it off my chest. I've been seeing a woman now for about two months. We've been seeing each other under no terms, never referred to as boyfriend/ girlfriend. I didn't care, as I just like seeing her, period. A few days ago we got together and went out for a few drinks, we had a great time, she seemed really relaxed and into me for a change (she's been very stressed with grad school the past few weeks) and we ended up at my house and had sex (second time together). Next morning we wake up and she immediately claims how drunk she was (off three glasses of wine?) This is odd, seeing how she has a ridiculous tolerance, she can normally drink me under the table. Going on and on about this, and I started to feel pretty ****ty, kind of like "Hey, you know that fantastic evening we shared together? Well, it was an accident caused by me oddly getting drunk off very little alcohol." That's one thing, the next big hubbub is over the fact that mid sex- she told me to take off the condom and continue on. Being a young male, of course I accepted. She went then went on and on about what a mistake this was (in truth, not a great idea, but I mentioned I was willing to accept any responsibility for any outcome). Longer story short, we hang out the day, and as I'm taking her home I finally grow a spine and ask her if she regretted the previous night. She said she wasn't sure. I then very bluntly ask if alcohol was the cause of us having sex, and she replied yes. My self doubt immediately kicks in and I correlate it to her being unhappy about committing the sex act, even though this wasn't the first time it happened, and she said the first time alcohol wasn't an influence. Conversation very quickly and uncomfortably turned into a "what are we" type talk. Her being older (26 vs. my 21) I merely told her I know we're in different places, but I've truly enjoyed the time we've spent together, she responded "Me too, let's leave it at that" as though to end the convo. When she left, I felt that old feeling of getting kicked in the stomach, feeling like it was over between us. I planned to give it a few days to simmer before talking to her again, since she's leaving for home for 10 days on friday. Then today, maybe 24 hours since I saw her, she calls me at work to tell me how uneasy she felt after leaving yesterday, and that she wanted to meet me thursday for dinner after she finished finals. I of course agreed. The one thing she asked was whether or not she had freaked me out, and I honestly replied no, just that I had been left very confused. We agree to clear the air when we see each other on thurs, and the rest of our short talk went well, we joked and she laughed like normal. What does everyone think? Have I been thinking too much about this? The more I reflect the more I think to myself "What the hell happened here?" Should I prepare myself to get let down? Should I just be very open and lay all my cards on the table?
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 It sounds like she doesn't want you thinking of her as the type of girl who has sex with a man who hasn't committed to her. The 'drunk' part is supposed to excuse the 'perception of easiness' part. The stuff that sounds like she is backing out sounds to me like some reverse psychology trick designed to make you have regrets about possibly losing her. From what you posted it seems that she is pulling tricks to nudge you from 'no terms' to 'terms'. Can't hurt to go for it, I guess if you want to be in a committed relationship. As for the condom thing. Never take off the condom. The last thing you want is someone pulling out the mother of all traps on you and then you'll be stuck with her for the rest of your life whether you like it or not. When you are clearheaded (ie - not in the middle of sex), ready, willing and able to have and support children then you can consider taking off the condom. She may have been testing you to see just how far you would be willing to go with her in more ways than one. Sounds like a passive aggressive way to make you commit, but stranger things have happened I guess.
Author BootsElectric Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Wow, that is very insightful. Thank you very much, it's definitely something to wrap my head around. The condom thing was a boneheaded move to be sure. I accept the responsibility of being the one to concede, and then following through without. What might you suggest I bring up when I see her this week? I am still crazy about her, and would be very happy to turn this into a committed relationship (not a hardship for me, since I haven't been seeing anyone else). Should I just straight up ask if the limbo place we are in caused all this craziness?
carhill Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Is a healthy relationship this convoluted? Happy you have the stomach for it, OP
Author BootsElectric Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Maybe that's why I was so confused after all this went down in such a short period of time. Before this, everything has been fine.
bac Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 From female perspective, she has a lot of problems in her head which have nothing to do with you. Looks like, she feels guilty of having sex in general, her mother probably told her that having sex without commitment equals to be promiscuous. Then she feels guilty because of the way she treated you. A lot of guilt and low self-esteem may be signs of emotional instability or depression. Why would she ask you to take condom off? There are two reasons to get pregnant or she is stupied unless she told you the other reason. My advice is to enjoy sex with her because you like her. And do not take things personally because they have nothing to do with you.
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