Isolde Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Thanks to something Carhill wrote, I think I finally pinned a major problem that many of us, including myself, have. We think back to our past experiences and establish "patterns" that we will think will repeat themselves throughout our lives. "So and so rejected me because of this" somehow turns into "I hate all men/women" or "no man/woman is attracted to me." Or, more subtly, "so and so happened" becomes "so and so will happen again and I'm doomed and therefore I don't want an R/marriage anymore." I struggle with this fallacy myself. But I know it's just that, a fallacy of thinking. Each situation is unique and should be taken according to its context. This doesn't mean you should take back people who have wronged you or that you should blindly go through life thinking all will be perfect in the end. But it does mean that the big picture is probably somewhat rosier than it seems right now. Thoughts?
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 You can't learn if you make no generalizations and see no patterns. The trick is learning to discern a real pattern from an imagined one.
Trialbyfire Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 It's true that you can't stereotype people. What you can do is to look for similarities of behaviour. If someone's words and actions don't mesh, you know something's up. If someone requires a lot of external validation, you know they're going to keep seeking it, even if they're in a relationship with you. Also, historical patterns of behaviour per individual, is most often, telling.
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Also, once you see a pattern, what is the meaning behind the pattern and what should be done about it?
Author Isolde Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Per individual, yes: per gender, no. Storyrider, I guess you are right, but sometimes I can't tell what patterns are real and what are not. For example, I *seem* to see a pattern of guys rejecting me, but something tells me it's imagined. I don't know for sure. I just can't seem to imagine someone I like, liking me and breaking that pattern.
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Well, you need enough data in order to map out a pattern. Have you dated enough to get a decent sample of male behavior? I would also throw out any data based on guys 20 or younger, as these do not fully qualify as men.
Author Isolde Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I dunno. I've gone on dates with around 8 people.
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I'd agree with your original post that what you're seeing as a negative pattern may just be a tiny piece of the bigger picture. Think of it this way: If you are just learning to dive and 6 out of your first 8 dives are belly flops, yes that is a pattern. But what does it indicate? Only that you're a beginner.
Author Isolde Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Yeah, I'm trying to see it that way. I mean, sometimes when gathering data, an outlier can skew the whole best fit line.
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Yeah, I'm trying to see it that way. I mean, sometimes when gathering data, an outlier can skew the whole best fit line. Yes, a one-off.
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