She wants a break and is moving out.

[looking4hope]

Here is the situation. We have been together since 2000 and married for 7 years with one beautiful son. We are both mid twenties. I have never dated or so muched as kissed another person, she has had a few dates in junior high, but has only ever kissed one other guy before she met me. We got married and everything was going along great with only a few minor fights about once a month usually about picking up the house or doing laundry nothing major. I am the love of her life. She would do anything for me. I love her greatly and would do anything for her. About a year ago we had been kicked out of the house we were living in, we had to move in with one of her relatives.

 

She ended up getting pregnant a second time and at the time we did not know how to deal with it. We talked about an abortion and agreed that it was the best way to go. The night before the proceedure I asked her if we could talk about it, she told me no and went to sleep. The next morning she said she had second thoughts and that we needed to talk. Since our appointment was an hour drive away I told her we could talk in the car (big mistake on my part). To make a long story short the talk never happened and we got the proceedure done.

 

Everything was going fine in our relationship until the start of this year. I started complaining about sex and she complained that I treated her like a child not a wife. She started to hang around 3 different girl friends, one was a divorced mother (whose husband cheated on her), one cheated on her husband so she could get a divorce, and the 3rd one is what my wife tells me is a mature 17 year old girl. She will go drinking with the adults at their apartment(they don't allow the minor to drink), she would spend almost everyday over there so our child could play with theirs. To make it short she started going over their alot to hang out.

 

We started fighting about once a week starting in March until about 4 weeks ago. She tells me that she dosen't feel wanted and that she feels like I treat her like a child not a wife. I told her I would do anything for her and I would work on it. 1 week later she tells me that I am smothering her and that she has no space. I told her that I was trying to make her feel wanted and that I would back off I just didn't want to lose her. She then tells me that she loves me, but dosent think she is in love with me. I ask her why and she tells me our relationship hasn't been the same since the abortion. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she refused because when she was young she went and the counselor told her all she had to do was believe in God and go to church and everything would be fine.

 

I started to gather information for her about the abortion to try and help her. She would look at it, but just throw it aside saying no one knows what she is going through. She said every since the abortion she has felt different and that she sometimes wakes up just wanting to hit me because she resents me. The anniversary of the abortion hit and things went bad. She said that I wasn't there for her emotionally and that I just acted like it was a thing in the past we couldn't change. I assured her that I hurt to, but it is much simpler for me to push it in the back of my mind then to face the issue. The next few days we were okay and then one morning while I'm at work her friend texts me saying that my wife is staying with her because she needs space and time.

 

THe first two days I was angry and tried leaving her alone albeit unsuccessfully. She left on a Wednesday, on Friday we had a short civil talk and then I left her alone on Saturday and sent her flowers and a note on Sunday. The note basically said that I was hurting and that I loved her and that I was here for her. I was sorry I wasn't there emotionally for here when she needed it but that I was here for her now. On SUnday night she came over with a friend and said that she needed time and space for herself and that by me calling and other people calling she isnt getting that. I said I could give her as much time as she needed. She then said that she didn't like the letter because it was all about me not her, and that no one knows what she is feeling.

 

I have been in touch with her friend that she is staying with and she told me that my wife has alot of resentment towards me because she felt I pressured her into having the abortion. The friend told me that my wife is not trying to blame me but its hard on her not to. The friend even told me that she thought the way my wife was acting that she would be back on Sunday (the day she came to talk). and that it seemed like all my wife had to do was deal with this issue and she would be fine. I had no contact with my wife for the next few days until on Friday I asked her if we could talk. She said I dont know and never answered back.

 

On Saturday morning I texted her and said that I needed to talk to her because we needed to hash this out. She texted me saying that we could talk, but honestly her feelings have changed for me. This past Saturday when she came over we talked and she told me that she was moving out. She needed time by herself because she had never been out on her own (went from her parents house to mine). She said she didn't love me anymore and I asked her if it dealt with the abortion since thats when she said the relationship had changed. she said no and that it was longer than that it took being away from me to realize it.

 

She said that she had an apartment and was moving in on Monday. She said that she needed time and space and that she needed to have freedom and see if she could make it on her own. I asked her for two things 1 not to cheat on me since we are still married which she said I didn't have to worry because at this point and time all men were scum of the world and she wanted them all to disappear. Secondly, I asked that when she does move out that she at least moves back in in a month or two and give our relationship another chance. She said she couldn't promise or guarentee, but would think about it in a month or two and let me know. SHe said she might be willing to try in a couple months.

 

As we are talking about the apartment she says (exact words) that she knows a girl who will take over the apartment (6 month lease) in a month or 2 when she comes back or if something happens. I told her that I will give her space and time, but that I loved her. I will always love her and that I will never stop giving up on her. SHe then gave me a quick little smile. I told her that I would want to try and take her out to a movie or to go eat or maybe just walk around wal-mart and she said we would see just give her two weeks first. She says that it feels like we went down two different paths. I told her that I am backing my car up and going down her path because I want to be with her.

 

She said that she has been happier the past week and a half away from me (she only had our son 3 days in the week and a half) then ever before.

I asked her about going to a counselor on Monday with me, she said that she couldn't because she signed the lease in the morning and I told her well thats fine because my appointment was in the afternoon. She then said she had other things to do. She told me she would get all her stuff on Tuesday morning because she had a truck. I told her I was off Tuesday morning and could help. She then blurted out that she thought I worked. I asked if she liked the flowers and frog I sent her and she smiled and said yes. She told me that she has did things all her life for her parents, for me, for our son, for others and now she wants to do this for herself. She is tired of making other people happy and wants to be happy herself.

 

I think this conversation shocked her because I didn't get upset I told her to do what she needed to do and that I would be here for her when she returns. She said she was moving out about 4 different times and each time I reassured her that it was okay and that time apart would not only help her, but me as well since I have been neglecting her. She then said she had to follow her heart and this is what her heart was telling her to do. I agreed with her. When we first strated talking she was setting on the edge of the couch almost ready to jump and run and about halfway through she set back relaxed with feet on coffee table and smiling.

 

The next day she comes by to talk to our 7 year old son and she has a total different demeanor. She said that he would have two places to live at. Whenever I would say that we were working on the problems and he shouldn't worry about them that we were trying she gave me this look. I then said that it might be beneficial for us to have 1 family night during the week with all 3 of us (since we usually did things as a family anyway). She flat out said no thats not a good idea and wouldn't give her the seperation she needed. I promised my son that we would try to get back together as a family and she told me that I couldn't promise that. I then said that I would try my hardest to get back with mommy. When our son went to the other room. I told her that I wouldn't give up on her and that I loved her and was here for her. She then said she had to leave and left. I told her I missed her and she went uh huh and left.

 

We have been splitting custody of our sone 1 day with me 1 with her. That same night my son wants to call and tell mommy goodnight and then asks her to come get him. When mommy gets off the phone he tells me that he didn't want to go with mommy he just wanted to see mommy. I have him call mommy back and tell here. Mommy gets here just takes him to bed says goodnight and walks out. I told her what he had did and she tells me well he will just have to get used to it and turned around and left. Then he wants to talk to her again. I call her firiend because our son already called her twice and her friend had her call me. SHe then proceeds to get on the phone and tell me that when he was over at the place she was staying he was crying for me and that she basically told him to stop and go to sleep. SHe then gets on the phone with our son and tells him to stop crying, you better stop crying, you need the quit crying now. Then my son hands me the phone and say he dosent want to talk to mommy again. I talk to her and she says she is in the middle of walmart with her (mature 17 year old) friend and that she has to go. I told her I loved her got a uh huh and hung up on.

 

My son keeps telling me that he dosen't want to go to a new place and wants to stay with me. He has become clingy to me almost to where he dosent want to do anything by himself. I have just become a nervouse wreck. I don't want to lose her. I know we were meant for each other. I have talked to the person she is staying with for now and she says that my wife acts like she dosen't know what she wants right now.

 

Here are my issues. People tell me that it is the 7 year itch and to just let her go she will come back, but how much slack do I cut her? SHe says that the week away from me was the happiest week of her life, not being sick, being able to hang out with friends, and not have to worry about wahtever. Will she get over these feelings? I just don't see how she can shut her feelings off towards me I would do whatever it takes to have her back and be with her and she acts one day like she wants to try and then the next day like she wants to go seperate ways.

 

I do not think that she is cheating. Its almost like she has reverted back to wanting to be 17 again, no responsibilities, hanging out with friends all the time. Her messages are confusing, one time it sounds as though we have a chance to work things out, the next time it sounds like there is no way we would ever be back together. I just can't imagine that one event could change our whole relationship. I told her that there was no doubt in my mind that I would do it differently if I could. I have read about PASS (post abortion STress Syndrome) where the female will push away and get angry with whom she feels is responsible, but still will not say that she had a part in the decision. The next stage is the one where she accepts partial responsibility and starts to forgive those she is angry at. Does anyone know how long before she gets to that stage?

 

I am just hurt, schocked, and have started to see how much she really means to me. For me I realize that I have to start treating her like a queen again for there to be any chance. She has been away two weeks now and fixing to move into the new apartment and I have realized that my commitment and my love for her has grown stronger.

 

I guess what I am asking for is any advice on what to do to keep her. Its already set in motion for her to move out, and she's trying to live by herself for awhile. She has never said anything about a divorce just wanting a break for awhile. I just can't phathom that her feelings have just disappeared overnight like that. One day she will answer text messages and the phone, the next day she ignores them even if they are about our son. One day she is nice the next she is rude.

 

I love her deeply and don't want her to leave. She still comes off as confused, not knowing what she wants when she talks to me and her friend has said the same thing. Its almost like she has decided to push everything aside and forget about everything. We had 6 beautiful years of marriage before the abortion and now she is confused. What do I need to do to get our marriage help and back on track?

 

Thank you for reading this (even if it is a tad long) and for those that help.

[confused71]

Sorry for what you are going through.

Hope this is not the case but if you read through a lot of the threads on here many start with 'i need some space' only for the truth of an affair to eventually emerge.

What worries me in your case is her hanging with her friends more.This happened to me and my wife was practically encouraged to leave me.

Try and do some digging and find out for sure shes not cheating.

good luck mate.

[Liquid]

Even if she is not cheating now, hanging out all th time with her single friends will eventually lead to her meeting other singles, including men and bang, before you know it, she is involved with another dude.

[lkjh]

investigate, it sounds like she is living the single life and enjoying it

[carhill]

The freedom of being single and the security of being married. Every immature woman's dream

 

Validate her feelings but do not help her in any way. Be there for your son. Set an internal timeline, after which, if she makes no positive moves towards reconciliation, you file for divorce. Get legal advice about that option during the interim. She moved out, so you retain the marital home. Good. Stable environment for your son.

 

One day at a time

[boldjack]

L4H, You can't do anything to "fix" , your marriage or bring her back. By treating her like a queen and always calling her and constantly telling her of your love and devotion, you are appearing needy and and weak. You need to go NC as much as possible and only talk about your child and his welfare, when you have to talk to her. Mention nothing about love or needing her, be friendly but no more. All the things you told her, she already knew. Work on your own life and your child's. If she comes back, ok, if she doesn't you will be able to move on with confidence.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I do not think that she is cheating.

 

You may want to reconsider that.

 

The only time a woman goes cold like that, and particularly cold toward her child like she has is when there is another man in the picture.

 

The whole abortion stress thing sounds like it could be a possibility, but in this case, with everything you posted it sounds like that is fairly remote.

 

In cases like this, the most simple answer is the one that it turns out to be: she freed herself up, and is seeing someone else, and has shut out you and your son to make physical and emotional room for this other guy.

 

Dollars to donuts - I can bet if you dig deep enough (and that means getting past the people who are no doubt covering for her) you'll find another man in the picture. I'm sorry to say it but it is nearly always the case.

 

If you can swing it, hire a PI. If not, do some investigating on your own. Borrow a friend's car, leave your kid with relatives for the night, and do some following.

 

Nothing, and I do mean nothing can go forward until you find out for sure. Another man in the picture changes everything. There are plenty of men who posted similar stories and you'll find a few pages into their threads that there was another man after all. You can't proceed until you clear this up.

 

Do not give her the benefit of the doubt. Too many people have done that, and it just makes things that much harder to accept.

[seibert253]

L4H, You can't do anything to "fix" , your marriage or bring her back. By treating her like a queen and always calling her and constantly telling her of your love and devotion, you are appearing needy and and weak. You need to go NC as much as possible and only talk about your child and his welfare, when you have to talk to her. Mention nothing about love or needing her, be friendly but no more. All the things you told her, she already knew. Work on your own life and your child's. If she comes back, ok, if she doesn't you will be able to move on with confidence.

 

Great advise here. If you're not familar with the 180, find it here and read it. Right now she has her cake and eating it too. Time for you to take away her cake. She wants to be on her own, fine, let her. I would even go to the extreme to tell her since your son does not want to stay with her, you are not going to force him. She can visit him anytime she wants, but he's living with you. She's the one who left, she should suffer the consequences, not your son. You need to disrupt his life as little as possible, and staying at her place sounds like a disruption.

 

Good Luck and God Bless