lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 So this girl that I slept with (no sex). Told me a day later that she didn't see us going anywhere but friends. Initially I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted so that was fine. After a week though I couldn't stop thinking about her and realized that I am interested in something more. I talked to a friend of hers who said that she just got out of a long(year+) relationship and that was probably the reason she said she just wanted to be friends. Do I have a shot here or not?
colosseum Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I say if you don't want to be friend-zoned, move on. She might come running back to you. Otherwise, she might not want to put you through her rebound.
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 The thing is, she's one of two girls who I've been this interested in. You don't think it would be possible to help her through this stuff without getting friend-zoned? I was planning on telling her "I know you said you just wanted to be friends and I said I was ok with that. But now I don't think I am. I want more. I know you're just getting over a relationship and I'm ok with moving at your speed."
xpaperxcutx Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 The thing is, she's one of two girls who I've been this interested in. You don't think it would be possible to help her through this stuff without getting friend-zoned? I was planning on telling her "I know you said you just wanted to be friends and I said I was ok with that. But now I don't think I am. I want more. I know you're just getting over a relationship and I'm ok with moving at your speed." What happened to girl 2?
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 The other girl was 3 years ago and nothing happened.
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Back to my original question. Would approaching her and saying that be a good or bad thing to do?
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 The thing is, she's one of two girls who I've been this interested in. You don't think it would be possible to help her through this stuff without getting friend-zoned? I was planning on telling her "I know you said you just wanted to be friends and I said I was ok with that. But now I don't think I am. I want more. I know you're just getting over a relationship and I'm ok with moving at your speed."
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 The thing is, she's one of two girls who I've been this interested in. You don't think it would be possible to help her through this stuff without getting friend-zoned? I was planning on telling her "I know you said you just wanted to be friends and I said I was ok with that. But now I don't think I am. I want more. I know you're just getting over a relationship and I'm ok with moving at your speed." It doesn't sound like an unreasonable thing to say to me, but there is something I think you should read that I believe may help with your perspective here. The forum the thread is in seems to be experiencing some maintenance issues, but this is a link to the cached version of the thread: Unrequited love is a perversion. I don't know if what you believe you feel is love or not, so that thread may or may not be useful to you. If you don't think your situation falls into what was described in that thread, just be aware that you DO have something to lose by pursuing this. Even if this isn't unrequited love, pursuing her when she already informed you she doesn't want you as more than a friend could make her decide she doesn't want you as a friend either. Pressing the matter could work out to your favor, but I think it is more likely she gave you friend-speech for a reason. Pushing the matter is probably not the best idea if you do not have a good reason to believe she didn't mean it.
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Well, first it is not love right now just a curiosity/interest. I am more interested in if she is genuinely not interested or if I gave mixed signals and she was afraid of me saying no which is possible given the fact that I didn't make any move when we were in bed - we just lightly touched each other. In the morning I left rather abruptly and then that week I was acting pretty weirdly. She also pursued me a couple of weekends in a row and was kind of aggressive that evening so I inclined to believe there is something else going on besides disinterest. Do you think there is other stuff there? I would rather have a relationship with her or nothing. A friendship would not work for me since we've already done some stuff and we weren't really friends before. It seems to me that I'm doing it for the right reasons. I think that when I talk to her I just have to make it seem like an ultimatum - either this or I'm gone. I kind of just want an answer and some closure even if the answer is "get away from me you slimebag."
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 A ultimatum is not the best approach you could choose unless you enjoy projecting the image of someone who is controlling. The situation you describe does sound promising. Go for it. You don't seem to feel you have anything to lose anyway, but caution would still be prudent all the same.
moman Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 just back off from her Lance. Mystery creates intrigue. She doesn't know what you're thinking so don't tell her. If she gets the feeling you're not interested, she may just become so.
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Alright, thanks a bunch for the advice. The only reason I want to portray that I am the one in control is because I don't think I stepped up that night and was kind of "weak." The reason I don't want to completely back off is this little bit of interest I have now will subside if I don't do anything and I think that she would be a good match for me.
Bejita463 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I can understand you not wanting to have to wonder what might have been. Best of luck to you. Make sure the person you present to her when you ask is the person you want her to see though. Let us know how it goes.
CharismaCoach Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Telling her that you don't want to be friends but are willing to move her speed is a recipe for disaster. Translated you will be saying "I will do anything to be with you and you tell me exactly when you want me to move forward romantically so i don't have to be assertive on my own. I'll be at your beckon call because that is just how needy and insecure i am." Rarely when a woman says she just wants to be friends is that anything other than "I am not interested in you". That may also include friendship but no where does it leave the door open for romance. If you want to be romantic with her I would say with a big sly grin. "Sure we can still be friends, but you might have to deal with me endlessly flirting with you." Don't wait for her answer and have fun with her continuing to flirt and be playful. If she moves away from your flirting or even brings it up that she is not open to romance you are done for good and move on. Your best bet is to move on though, she is likely not interested. Don't be the guy to wait around for her. The only way you can get her is to give her more space and when you do see her be more flirty so she is clear you want more than friendship.
Author lance.dark Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Well now I guess I'm still confused. I think I would prefer an answer even if it is no than no answer at all. Her friend didn't tell me not to talk to her about this when I asked what her deal is. I think what I'll do is just wait until this saturday and try to hookup with her again and see where that leads although last time she was the one who initiated everything.
CharismaCoach Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Just act like she never said she just wants to be friends and initiate the flirting more. If she shuts you down again move on. You can always end up being friends but it is hard to go the other way.
Author lance.dark Posted April 21, 2009 Author Posted April 21, 2009 OK, the problem is I don't see her much outside of practice (where we're both busy) and parties so flirting isn't too much of an option except Saturday nights.
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