Antai Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Well.. it all started when I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of days ago, we'd been together four years, living together one and a half, it was my first real relationship. He's a couple of years older than me, he came to my country to live with me, he's got a 2-year visa, we were supposed to apply for a permanent one this fall. The way I see it our relationship's been a rollercoaster and he's packed his bag to leave more than once, so I thought my decision to break up wouldn't hit him like a brick to the head, but it did. He seems to think that our realationship's great, all couples fight, we can make it and so on. I broke it of because I feel that we don't have a future together due to culture, religious and to some extent also moral differences. And also because he's jealous and somewhat controlling. I don't want to turn him into someone he's not anymore than I want to compromise on my own happiness, so I saw no other option than to let it go. I realised this when I was celebrating easter with my parents(but I've had a bad feeling for months) and the second I got back home to him I told him what was going on, may not have been the smartest thing to do because now he thinks my mother's behind this, and he's just waiting for me to come around and realise my "mistake". He came here yesterday to pick up his ID that he'd forgotten here. And we hugged... I said "take care of you" he said he loved me but i didn't answered, he kissed me, I turned away he kissed me a little again, I didn't turn away but I didn't answer the kiss either when he finally left he said "I love you" again and very, very quiet, almost unhearable I said, "love you too.." see, I know I shouldn't have said that, I know it's wrong, I just don't know how to be strong. I don't know what to say to myself, how to brace myself for when he comes around. When he looks at me I feel guilty, even though I know in my heart of hearts I'm only trying to do what's best. He's been telling me I've just thrown him out on the street (though I know he's got more than one friend to stay with) in this foreign country, and though I bought a ticket for him to go home to his own folks he didn't go, he said it's too late for him to go back there, he's been here 1,5 years, it's all different now, no work for him there,.. he wants to stay as he's just been accepted to a 9 months education here. And I understand that. He wants me to sign papers so he gets a permanent, although that would literally mean I'd break the law 'cause we're not living toghether anymore. But he says that's the least I can do for him, since I dumped him. He says that if I sign those papers there'll be no consequences, everybody does it, he says. But I don't know if I should take his word for it, just like that. I wish he'd go back to where he came from, because I fear that as long as he's here he thinks we can get back together, my biggest fear is that I'll crumble and we do get back togheter, that'd be a real disaster, i don't wanna go there. So, obviously, hugging him is the wrong way to go, but I just miss him, his kisses, you know, I'm trying to think long-term but I can't shut down my emotions for him. I don't know what to say to him or what to do, sign the papers and live with it, or "ruin his life", like he says. I didn't think a break-up would be like this, I thought that once it's said and done, it'd be over. But this is like a nightmare... I didn't wanna hurt him, but I did. And now he's comming to my appartment kissing me like everything's gonna be okay, and I'm letting it happen! Because I don't have what it takes to look into those heart-broken puppy eyes and break up with him again, and again, and again until he gets it. On top of this his friends' girlfriends came to my place and told me how I've destroyed him and how he'll never be alright again and that it's my responsibility to at least sign those papers. I'm almost afraid of what will happen if I don't. I know it's just been a couple of days and that things will probably cool down.. I'd appericiate any advices, any comments at all on what would be the proper thing to do because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, at all. Well, I'm new here and looking forward to explore this forum more so I guess I'll see you around, thanks for reading
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