BetrayedMama Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 My husband has been very rotten to me. He has been registering himself on singles sites for a long time. Sexual ones though like bootycall.com and he even uploads his picture and gives girls his direct email. I did some spying and found this out. He is also pretty much addicted to porn and webcams and who knows what else. I read all the stuff he wrote on each site to the other girls. He asks them very sexual questions and I personally believe he has even met them but he denies it. He compliments their pictures and really sexual other comments. He denied everything at first but I showed him the evidence and after a long time, he finally admitted it angrily. He actually turned it on me saying that I was a pathetic spy. I don't even know who he is when he talks to girls this perverted way. He certainly is not that way with me nor has he ever been. It sickens me and cuts deep into my heart and soul. We are HS sweethearts and have 3 children together one of which is a newborn. I don't know if this is important to mention but I am in awesome shape b/c I am a personal trainer and everyone else tells me I am beautiful and I am very kind. I don't feel like I deserve this for any reason. I try to be a perfect sweet loving wife. I do not know what to do anymore. I don't feel he will ever stop and some of the things he wrote to these girls I cannot get out of my head no matter how hard I try. It is making me very depressed to a dangerous point. It has been going on for years now. Each time he says he will change but each time he gets worse. can someone please help me??
Athena Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Of course its nothing to do with you that he partakes in these clandestine activities! Hmm, to me it sounds like he has a Sexual Addiction. See if you can get him to commit to going for help either with IC or with a group for people with addictions in your area. You sound like you are stuck in a situation with a young family and it seems like you hesitate to have to leave him... I don't blame you... but perhaps the first step for you is to catch him cheating, because if you cannot get him to admit that, then how will he even be able to address the need for Change?
hopesndreams Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 The only way to get him to change is to lay down the law! No empty threats either. Do it for real. Get papers drawn up and tell him to hit the road! I don't know how you can live in this situation and it's only a matter of time before he takes this to another level....if he hasn't already.
AGreatWife Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 It is making me very depressed to a dangerous point. It has been going on for years now. Each time he says he will change but each time he gets worse. can someone please help me?? BetrayedMama, Please seek out a professional counselor to help you. If you feel that your depression has reached a point of danger (to yourself or others), you need to find immediate support from a counselor for yourself and for the welfare of your children -- in person. What your husband is doing does sound like a sex addiction problem, which does not have anything to do with you, and is not something that he can or will likely stop, without counseling for himself. However, only he can help himself. He has to admit he has a problem first, as Athena said -- and WANT to stop the behavior, before he will seek help. In the mean time YOU must take care of yourself and your children.
Author BetrayedMama Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Is what he is doing considered cheating on me?? He says no. God I am so devastated. I feel unbelievably trapped...
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Is what he is doing considered cheating on me?? He says no. God I am so devastated. I feel unbelievably trapped... hmm, but WHAT exactly is he doing? At first he lied about everything... so, it is possible that he is also meeting up with these women for sex. But, even if by some strange reason it hasn't gone that far -- his actions are not only disrespectful of your marriage and you as a woman he is supposed to be 'cherishing' to the exclusion of ALL other women, but they indicate addiction, which is destructive to any relationship.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Not to mention all the Lies, with which there can be no trust in your relationship with him...
AGreatWife Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Is what he is doing considered cheating on me?? He says no. God I am so devastated. I feel unbelievably trapped... Does what he is doing, make you feel like you are being cheated on? Infidelity comes in many forms and definitions - it depends on who you ask. What's most important is whether or not you feel like it is cheating, and talk to him about it. I have to say I am a bit troubled that your primary concern is whether or not what he is doing, is considered cheating, when you stated that you were depressed to the point of danger. My suggestion is again, that you address your emotional well being first, so that you can be at your best to deal with his issues and behavior. There is no need to continue feeling trapped. There are professionals in your community who can help you, if you want help -- they will help you confidentially, and for free, if that is a concern. There are also crisis hotlines you can call with trained counselors that will talk to you, and help you figure out how to help yourself and family through this, as well.
RecordProducer Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Is what he is doing considered cheating on me?? He says no. God I am so devastated. I feel unbelievably trapped...The point is not in whether it's cheating. Is physical abuse cheating? No, but it's still a horrible thing. You can love and have respect for someone who acts like a pervert. It's destroyed your self-esteem, too. If you have to question your worth (how kind and good-looking you are) then you've lost self-respect. This isn't a happy marriage and cannot be. If he doesn't commit to getting rid of this habit, going to counseling, ad making it up to you big time, then you'll never be happy. May I ask why you had a third child with a man who has been doing this to you for years? Prhaps the baby wasn't intentionally conceived, but now you feel trapped because you have three young kids with a disgusting man. Divorce is never easy, so I am not advising it easily to anyone. But, marriage entails certain rules and obligations, and one of them is NO sexual activity (even if it's only verbal) with other women. And yes, it IS cheating. He betrayed you on so many levels. If he can't stop, then he either is sick and needs help or he sees nothing wrong in what he's doing. If the latter is the case, then tell him that you will start sleeping with other men since you see nothing wrong with that. If the rule of your marriage is that each of you will do what you fel like doing, regardless of how much it hurts the other one, then you'll start doing things that will hurt him. Let's see how he likes that. How's your sex life, btw? Are you rejecting sex with him on a regular basis? If yes, this could be his form of revenge.
Author BetrayedMama Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 No, I do not reject sex. In fact, he is never in the mood for me. Maybe in cycles he is, but not a lot in the course of our marriage, which has been 10 years. This is why I started obsessing over exercise years ago and thus became a trainer (and for other reasons); because I thought, if I get into awesome shape, he will have to be turned on by me more than, say, once a month or less Sad, too, because we are so young. This is why it astonished me so to know what terrible things he does...because he is such a non-sexual being with me. To read what he writes to these girls and to even think about it just floors me. I don't know this man, this way, at all. I don't know what I know anymore. I am so confused...and again, yes I feel very trapped. He says he loves only me and he has NO idea why he does this. He said he has no answers for me and he will not provide me with any information. He just gets angry when I bring it up and says it really isn't that big of a deal. I only know what I find out on my own. And to snoop is very time consuming and exhausting. I hardly have the time to do it. I shouldn't have to do it. Even if he gets help...will he ever change though? Do people actually ever change what they do and who they are? Don't they just keep lapsing again? I am a psych major/graduate and I don't even know the answer to that. Thanks again.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I am a psych major/graduate and I don't even know the answer to that. Do yourself a favor and look up on the Internet the meaning of Narcissist and see if that fits your dear husband... I will be surprised if it does not. Let me know please.
Author BetrayedMama Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Do yourself a favor and look up on the Internet the meaning of Narcissist and see if that fits your dear husband... I will be surprised if it does not. Let me know please. I suppose it does...
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I suppose it does... I am sorry to hear this. But at least it gives you some insight into why he treats you badly, and why he lies and continues to cheat on you on sexual matters with women outside your marriage. Why in your case, he cut out the sex (my narcissistic H is very into sex) . Carry on reading up about this subject. The more you read, the easier it will be for you to create some emotional distance from him. You will need this in order to be able to take protective measures against his hurting you. You need to be able to gain the necessary insight to be able to come to a decision about what to do about him -- whether to stay with him and not let his actions affect you as much (because you will know it is not YOU that is making him behave like this), or whether you will only stay temporarily with him until your kids are grown a little more and you are finished with studies, or whether you simply are not going to put up with his behavior any longer. You need to do as much emotional distancing as possible, in order to protect yourself.
Owl Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Is what he is doing considered cheating on me?? He says no. God I am so devastated. I feel unbelievably trapped... What does it matter if you call it cheating, abuse, or a peanut butter sandwhich???? It doesn't matter if "someone" considers it cheating or not...it's clearly outside any bounds of reasonable expectations in a marriage. It's clearly more than you can take. Personally, I don't believe he's ever likely to change his behaviors. He sounds very much addicted to it. Addictee's don't ever make good spouses. Read that again. Honestly, I'm a VERY "save the marriage" kind of guy...ask around here. In this case, I would seriously suggest that you contact your lawyer, and start seperation/divorce proceedings ASAP. MAYBE that might be a catalyst for change in his case...but I wouldn't plan on that event. You're far better off without him, than with him. Do you have any friends/family that can act as a support network as you go through all of this?
Author BetrayedMama Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Do you have any friends/family that can act as a support network as you go through all of this? No, I do not. I have family, but not ones that would support me...well, not ones that I would want to ask for help. I don't like to burden people is all... Why do you feel I should divorce? I am just curious since it is not "physical cheating" that he is doing (sex)..trust me - I am upset and HAVE considered divorce...but why do you think it is the only or best option for someone addicted to cyber-sex or whatever this is called? Especially when you say you are always one for "save the marriage". I appreciate your help and look forward to hearing more about this. If anyone can help me understand this, I greatly appreciate it.
lovelorcet Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Alright... I am going to take a bit of the flip side on this one... Let me start by saying what your husband is doing is quite crappy and especially because you have kids running around. 2 things really stuck out at me. First that you found many of the things he was doing/writing to other women to be perverted. That is a matter of opinion and it says something about your idea of sexuality. The other is that you are HS sweethearts... This always has a big potential for issues. To me it seems like your husband never got a chance to explore his own sexuality and you have become the sweet mother of his kids, not interested in anything "perverted." So now the question is what to do about this? You have 3 kids with him and he will be in your life for a long time. I guess my advice would be to ask him to leave and to sort his sh$t out. It may take a year or two but maybe there is a chance he realizes the grass is not greener somewhere else. At the same time you should not really "wait" for him. You should also take some time and think about what you want. Counseling could really help with this. Good luck!
marlena Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Why do you feel I should divorce? Because you are unhappy and this is killing you..slowly but surely. It is causing you extreme anguish and depression, it is sapping the life out of you. And, no, I truly believe this thing once started never stops. I am sorry.
Author BetrayedMama Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 It IS IS IS perverted what he wrote to these women -not the FACT that he wrote to them. I am the one who initiates sex in our house - not him. He asked them specific things that were sexual that destroyed my heart to even read. Are you saying it is okay what he has done because I am now a mother? Because, seriously, I have a very low self esteem because of him, but yet, everyone tells me that men would beat down the door to be with me. I dress "cute" all the time - not frumpy. My point being that I am pretty "sexy" I guess. Does that make sense? Why would he need to seek other women? I have done NOTHING wrong to deserve this. I am good to him. I am a good mother, a good citizen, a good worker, and a good "housekeeper" at home...all I want to know is how the heck can I get this crap out of my head? I am so devastated. Everytime he says he will stop, he doesn't. He just goes one step further (the step further this time, to my knowledge, was actually being dumb enough to post his real picture online...wow.) He won't apologize for his actions. He won't give reasons as to why. He is getting therapy now - starting yesterday. That's fine and dandy. But, I just feel like there should be more. LIke, he is mad if I ask any questions. He acts like it is none of my business to know anything. He says I am nosey. He says what he did is not a big deal. That is what he said last year too when he was on mate1.com and singlesnet.com too. Freaking jerk that he is... Oh, I hate that I am so sad. Thanks for listening...
Mino Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 men dont always want "good" sounds like he has the Madonna/ whore complex... He needs both. Google it, Another book you may want to get is the " the five faces of casanova. It explains the madonna/ whore complex very well. I dont think he will change, I do think that he will get worse and eventually take it off the internet to real life, then you have a serial cheater on your hand. Good luck sweetie..
Author BetrayedMama Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Thank you Mino. I feel like I am still alive, but without a heart.
Owl Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 No, I do not. I have family, but not ones that would support me...well, not ones that I would want to ask for help. I don't like to burden people is all... Do you feel that this is something that you can handle on your own? Some people can...others often need emotional support to deal with this kind of thing. Why do you feel I should divorce? I am just curious since it is not "physical cheating" that he is doing (sex)..trust me - I am upset and HAVE considered divorce...but why do you think it is the only or best option for someone addicted to cyber-sex or whatever this is called? Especially when you say you are always one for "save the marriage". I appreciate your help and look forward to hearing more about this. If anyone can help me understand this, I greatly appreciate it. First, I'm absolutely not convinced that he's kept it "cyber only". I would tell you that I believe that anyone who is doing what he is doing would LOVE to take it "to the next level" given the opportunity. If he hasn't done so already, I'd suggest that it's very likely only a matter of time until he does. If you feel what he's doing is "not so bad" compared to actually sleeping with someone else...if you can live with his actions...then don't divorce. But as I cautioned you before...I don't see any real likelihood at all that he'll change his actions. So basically from my viewpoint, your options are either accept them and allow them...or don't. Don't, when you consider what I said about him not changing, would mean divorce...in my mind. But again...this is all about what YOU are willing to accept in your life, in your marriage. I'd suggest you do some research about how affairs occur. What he's doing is almost certainly going to lead to him physically cheating on you (combined with his mentally and emotionally doing so already)...this isn't going to end or go away unless something forces a change.
LifesontheUp Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Why would he need to seek other women? I'm really sorry for what you are going through but I think you are asking the wrong questions. I think you should starting asking why you are putting up with this behaviour when its affecting you so much? Why are you still with someone who treats you with disrespect? You wrote that he gets angry with you and tells you its none of your business. What advice would you give a friend in the same situation? Hes a selfish $h1t. Think about whether you can cope with more years of this and the real possibility that he isn't going to stop and may end up taking it further than just the internet. I know its hard, but its time to start thinking of you and your kids.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 It is making me very depressed to a dangerous point. It has been going on for years now. Each time he says he will change but each time he gets worse. can someone please help me?? Not saying this to be funny, I'm very serious. The only people that can help you now since he will never change is a lawyer and a therapist. You deserve better.
lovelorcet Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 men dont always want "good" sounds like he has the Madonna/ whore complex... This is exactly what I am getting at...
lovelorcet Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 It IS IS IS perverted what he wrote to these women -not the FACT that he wrote to them. No! Perversion is a matter of opinion, as long as the participants are 2 consenting adults "perversion" is simply a point of view and it would seem that your idea of perversion is not compatible with your husbands. It could also be possible that he knows this and therefore does not show you this side of himself.
Recommended Posts