heartoutside Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 So basically, I've been seeing this girl for about 3 or 4 months. Very casual, haven't had sex but she has slept over before. I won't go into the crazy details but we've been on about 5 or 6 dates, as well as hung out on a more casual level. Now the other night I went to her bday party despite being sick (Which she knew). But when I showed up I didn't know a soul at this bar/party and she didn't actually acknowledge my presence until another friend walked in and she got up and walked over. I stayed for a few drinks about 20 or 30 mins. because One: There was what i suspect another "guy" there...but I'm not sure two: This group of friends weren't that entertaining, and I wasn't feeling well. I also had to meet up with my best friend who came into town last min (literally called me to let me know as I was walking into the birthday party). So I go up to this girl and I tell her that I have to head out, I wish her happy birthday and give her a big hug. (I was sick, so a kiss probably wasn't a good idea). She then looks at her friend and her friend gives this kind of shocked look. I then head out. Now there have been a ton of red flags with this girl. She's always busy, has yet to ask me to go do something,(it's always me coming up with the ideas and the dates). She calls and texts and shows interest, but at times I think it's only when she is look for attention. There are more red flags... BUt for some reason, even though my gut and my friends all keep saying she's a waste of my time. I can't seem to walk away.....can't figure it out! It's insane, because I know it makes no sense, but some how I'm still hanging on....the question is how do I just walk away?!
buffonsave Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 dude walk away too many red flags...her not coming to you, weird look, if she likes you she would create oppurtunities...answer mines if you can...
samspade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 You have a scarcity mentality, and you need adjust it. Tell yourself you can get a better girl, then go out and do it. Look, being alone is better than chasing someone who is running away from you. Create some options for yourself so that when another girl like this pops up you CAN walk away, without a second thought.
Author heartoutside Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 See that's the thing. I know I deserve better. But for some reason, this time around walking away seems harder. Although, right now it does seem to be getting easier and easier and a much better idea....
MN randomguy Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 It hurts, BUt I guess one foot in front of the other. That's how you walk away. You'll think about her less and less.
Taramere Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Now the other night I went to her bday party despite being sick (Which she knew). But when I showed up I didn't know a soul at this bar/party and she didn't actually acknowledge my presence until another friend walked in and she got up and walked over. I stayed for a few drinks about 20 or 30 mins. because One: There was what i suspect another "guy" there...but I'm not sure two: This group of friends weren't that entertaining, and I wasn't feeling well. I also had to meet up with my best friend who came into town last min (literally called me to let me know as I was walking into the birthday party). So I go up to this girl and I tell her that I have to head out, I wish her happy birthday and give her a big hug. (I was sick, so a kiss probably wasn't a good idea). She then looks at her friend and her friend gives this kind of shocked look. I then head out. That sounds really crappy. Everything about your post makes you sound like a very decent guy (and I mean decent and genuine as opposed to the dreaded "nice guy"). I suppose it's possible that there's a lack of clarity as to what the situation between the two of you is. 6 dates and some hanging out together over 3 or 4 months does sound very casual. Nonetheless, it was rude of her to not welcome you to the party and make introductions. Especially as you didn't know other people there. The fact that she and her friend exchanged shocked looks when you left....not sure how I'd read that. Maybe shock that you'd only stayed for 30 minutes, or maybe a realisation that it was rude to leave you standing there on your own for 30 minutes? Difficult to say. It just seems to me that no reasonable person could review that situation and say "how rude of him to leave after 30 minutes of being left standing on his own. I certainly won't be seeing him again unless he calls with some explanation." Even if she'd been drinking, after sobering up she'd surely realise that her behaviour towards you had been ignorant....and would be contacting you to apologise. For her to not do so, I would say, tells you all you need to know. It's hard to see what you can do here other than just not calling her again. What is it about this girl or this situation that makes it hard for you to walk away?
Author heartoutside Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Taramere - Thanks for the great reply! To be honest, there isn't an "it" about her or the situation at all that is making it hard me to walk away. Which is why I'm so stumped and can't figure it out! Now, I'm not heartbroken over it or a mess or anything. I mean it is was it is. We were casual, but I did make my intentions clear from the start and told her I liked her and that I would like to see more of her. She and I actually dated very casually about 8 or 9 months ago, but it kind of didn't go anywhere and then one day she was in a "relationship" with another guy she was also dating at the time. So I took that kind of personally and just walked away cold turkey even after she tried calling me several times (they broke up like 2 weeks later). We reconnected like 4 months ago and things actually got off on the right foot and we both explained our sides for what happened and put it all on the table. I do agree with what you say about her not contacting me....I mean in some sense I feel I may have been kind of rude, because of the fact that i was texting my buddy to find out where he was. But that was only because I didn't know anyone and did my best to make conversation with everyone, but with no real results But at the same time, she wasn't a shining form of character as well. I guess what makes it hard is the fact that it makes no sense and nothing really adds up.
colosseum Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Walk away, one step at a time, occupying yourself with hobby X or interest Y or girl Z, because you're better than how she is treating you. Hurts I know, but you seem like an absolutely reasonable and capable man. Best of luck to you.
Taramere Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I do agree with what you say about her not contacting me....I mean in some sense I feel I may have been kind of rude, because of the fact that i was texting my buddy to find out where he was. But that was only because I didn't know anyone and did my best to make conversation with everyone, but with no real results But at the same time, she wasn't a shining form of character as well. I guess what makes it hard is the fact that it makes no sense and nothing really adds up. The whole sense is of you and she having some vague thing where you drift apart, then together, then apart. Perhaps that's the confusing part. That despite the fact that you've known her for quite some time now, there's no definitive "we're in a relationship" or "we're no longer in a relationship". I do think, from what you're saying, that she uses you. Possibly as a filler when there's nothing else going on, and also - as you suggest - for attention. You're better than that. If she calls you after a few weeks to see what's happening, you could let her know that you didn't rate her behaviour at the birthday party. That might result in her offering up some kind of explanation, but I wouldn't go contacting her and actively looking for one.
loser101 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 this 'will we - won't we' thing happened to me in the past as well and nothing came off it. I think what you are struggling with is that you can't quite put a finger on what the problem is. you can't always work things out with people though, you can like someone but not quite click/gel the right way. I really don't think this will work out sorry.
Author heartoutside Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Yeah, the funny thing is, we kind of went through the same thing last time we "dated." Only, last time I didn't really pursue her at all or make much effort. This time around I did...should have kept walking..... I think what shocks me or puzzles' me is her whole approach to her life and the people in it. I personally have a general rule for how I treat my friends and the people around me and that is you just show everyone you care about with common respect and care (i have other rules, but I won't go into those) and be genuine with your actions. And I think the fact that I have friends all over the world to this day that stay in touch with me and value my friendship, some of whom I've know all my life, is a good sign that I'm going about my life in the right way. The funny thing is, on one of our dates she told me how jealous she was of me and having friends like I have that I've known for so long. And I wanted to simply tell her that the reason she doesn't have friends that stick around for long is because of her lack of respect (among other things) and the fact that she thinks her life is what matters most. But I didn't have the heart to tell her, and I didn't think it was my place. As far as an explanation for her actions and her calling to give one. I know she won't call and give me one, she basically has never seen any of her actions as being wrong, which is a big red flag, and I've called her out on it before. But with very little reaction. So in all honesty, it doesn't hurt. Last time around, it kind of burned because how it all went down, but this time around, I think I've gotten a better idea of who she is and what she values....and both are messed up!
loser101 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I think you would get fed up with her soon, it doesn't sound like you like her that much already. you meet people that are a puzzle and they wind you up sometimes but really, best thing is to find something better to do with your time. she would just annoy you anyway
Author heartoutside Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I actually totally agree. She would becoming annoying quickly. And what's even more interesting, is that her appearance seems to be regressing. When I first met her, she was totally stunning, but then slowly and I mean slowly stuff started happening to her, she cut her hair short, then she started getting skin problems, and then on her birthday the other day she cut her hair even shorter.....I mean butchered it. I actually kind of chuckled a little afterwards, cuz it was shocking to see and looked bad. Man, I'm glad I'm posting this.....with every post there's a new realization about her!
elajemi Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 My friend Your Girlfriend this doesn't care you, you shuold understand all things about female,this female as I said upon she doesn't care in you because deosn't love or like you , If she loving you gave you chance or many chances, to contact with her , and she trail or search to move to your heart too. get awy from her by another good and attractive lady in heart. thanks.
Author heartoutside Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 SO this girl couldn't have given me a bigger RED FLAG then the one she gave me the other day. A few days after her bday 'event' i sent her a text telling her why I left early. I didn't say I was sorry, i just told her I was sick (which she knew), my best friend of 25 years was in town, and I didn't think I would last long, so I left. She basically replied about 5 days later by saying, "interesting...." I wrote back asking what was interesting only to discover that was her response to my text. I wrote back later that night saying I really don't know which part was interesting. Didn't get a reply. Probably better that way. It's funny, you would think some people would put a little more effort in the friendships the create. But some people I guess just take too much for granted.
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 It seems that the girl was never interested in you in the first place. In the first place when she started to butcher her look, that would've already indicated that she was already trying to drive you away but she doesn't know how. This is somehow very typical when people don't know EXACTLY what to do.
Author heartoutside Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I would disagree, she was interested, always has been, probably still is, but is horribly insecure. I'm older and have an interesting "cool" career, among other things, but the haircut had nothing to do with me. I've never heard of anyone making themselves look ugly to drive someone away when they aren't even in a serious relationship, that's insane! And if that's the case, then I dodge a big bullet with a nut job. This girl is just a horrible combination of insecure and also thinks she's deserves everything to be given to her on a golden plate....
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Dude, in spite of insecurity, she does NOT sound interested. Knowing you as long as she has, I don't understand what insecurity would have to do with anything - especially considering that you guys used to date each other. She's flaky and a little bit weird.
Author heartoutside Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 totally agree.... I just found the haircut comment interesting so I felt the need to reply...
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