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Posted

Hello all!,

 

My ex and I weren't together for very long. We had a rough start, I knew he had commitment issues and in the past he's been screwed over, and cheated on by past girlfriends. He doubted his trust in me early in the relationship...I teased him one evening when he came over the hang out and he took it very personal. He got very offended and ended up breaking up with me about a week later. Once he broke up with me, I totally went NC, but he hasn't been able to totally let go. He ALWAYS ends up initiating contact usually after a couple of weeks, then we'll always end up seeing eachother (and we always end up kissing and fooling around) after a little bit of talking, then after we see eachother he just pulls away, and says he's not looking for a relationship and he wants to be just friends. After that the cycle continues....I start NC, he initates contact after a little...and so on. This has been going on now about 8 months.

 

Is it possible for a guy to really like you...but truely be scared of commitment?? Why do you think he can't let me go??

Posted

Yes, it is common for someone to like someone else but not like the idea of a relationship with them.

Posted

I am dealing with the very same thing that you are. My EXB and I broke up a month ago, yet, can't seem to really let things go...I mean, we split up 3 other times...and now I feel like this is just the same cycle.

 

The last break up was initiated by him. He felt like I was being to "clingy" yet, didn't want to have anything to do with him. It is almost like it was 2 extremes...You know, the whole HOT and COLD song by Katy Perry? Well, that would describe the way I see things with him and I.

 

Just recently, he was the one to initiate contact. I kept my distance, but found myself falling into the same trap. We did end up seeing each other, and hooked up...it was nice, yet heart wrenching because the fact still remains...We just can't be together...

 

We both have had hard pasts....Both married, him 2 times, both have children, he has gotten his heart broken and shattered and so have I. I think that it is fear that keeps us together. One minute I want him, the next I do. I think about him asking me back, but yet, I see myself not being able to because of the fact that this cycle will just continue.

 

I read a really good book, called "Men Who Can't Love" ...It described our relationship...and helped me to understand someone who just can't commit. I am going to get another book called He's Scared, She's Scared, just to help me understand my own fears.

 

This time, I was the one who walked away, I told him the other day that I just can't do it. Although we exchanged a few texts today, it always ends up the same...how we miss each other and so forth. But the fact still remains...we both just can't be together. Do I miss him, yes...Do I want him, yes...but only if things can change. At this point, I don't see that happening, so I need to just let go and move on....

Posted

... SAME EXACT sitch with my ex-BF & I! NC ... a couple weeks ... he contacts ... he'd tell me he missed me, loved me ... I'd fall into it again ... HOPE aGAIN ... he's hot & cold ... I was ALWAYS still in-love ... it would hurt like HELL then leave me almost CRAZED when he'd be SILENT/gone again!!

 

Soooo, what I've come to see/realize/learn is that I do NOT believe a man or a woman would be afraid of COMMITMENT ... IF in fact it was with the RIGHT ONE!! I now believe that a person who IS truely IN-LOVE will MAKE it happen & do what it takes to be with the other!!

 

In my case ... he SAID & PROCLAIMED how much he loved me, YET his ACTIONS were that of indecisivness!! And I WANT/DESERVE MORE!!

 

You deserve much more, too sweetie!! Go get it/HIM ... the right ONE!!

 

XO - TB -

Posted

So, OP, if the rubber band includes "kissing and fooling around" (which I presume to mean sex), perhaps he sees you as a FWB-type scenario. His words seem to indicate this.

 

IME, when a man's words appear to be negative, like when he says "he's not looking for a relationship and he wants to be just friends", believe them :)

Posted

Yes, My XBF has told me he is so in love with me...that he "knows that he needs me" and that he still sees a future with me, but until he gets stuff straight in his head, he can't give me more. At least he knows he does have a problem, YET, he won't do anything about it!!! Wow, drives me crazy!!! I have talked to my counselor, and I seem to be following a pattern here. I fall for men who can't love they way I deserve. My XH tried to leave me 3 times...we were married for 13 years until he finally decided to leave and leave for good. My first love did the same thing. The whole..."It's not you, it's me!!"

 

I am beginning to wonder, are there any good men out there??? I am 36 years old, and wonder if at this age, there are actually men out there who really want to commit and not run??? I know women have the same problem at times...I know I am scared now too because of my failed marriage, and the fact that 2 men I was involved with after my divorce where both afraid to go further....

 

I am trying to figure out why I seem to attract these kind of men. I seem to think I can fix them, but in the end, seriously, it is going to have to be them to fix themselves. I find myself questioning things constantly. XBF and I text a little bit today...I told him I was sorry for contacting him, and that it's hard..... He even reminded me that I was the one who walked away because I need to let go and because this is what I wanted....that's when I asked him what he wanted...that was when he said he doesn't think he can say no to me...???? Okay, then I asked him if he loved me...he text back, "More than you will ever know."

 

I am trying very hard to stay away and not get sucked in. I'm tired of wanting something that can't happen....I'm tired of feeling like I am not good enough, but I know that I am...he just can't handle it, and is scared...but I can't fix him..I can only fix me....The cycle really has to stop.

Posted

When a man's words and actions match and elicit positive feelings within you, then it is healthy, IMO.

 

A key component here is such positive feelings have to be recognized by you as healthy. For some women (and men), they are not processed in that manner. My version of that issue was savior disease; being there for women in emotional pain. Being their tampon to absorb their suffering (at the hand of the men who were banging them :D). Laughable but true.

 

It'll get better. Getting psychological help worked for me. Hope you figure it out :)

Posted
So, OP, if the rubber band includes "kissing and fooling around" (which I presume to mean sex), perhaps he sees you as a FWB-type scenario. His words seem to indicate this.

 

IME, when a man's words appear to be negative, like when he says "he's not looking for a relationship and he wants to be just friends", believe them :)

 

 

I worried about that happening between my XBF and I. After that one night we shared, we were still talking, having intense talks, untill finally I said no more...I didn't want ot fall into that pattern. He got very upset with me when I asked him if he thought of me as a FWB or wanted that. He said he has more respect for me than that.... IDK??? But yet, can't be in a relationship??? I'm tired of trying to figure it out...

Posted
After that one night we shared, we were still talking, having intense talks, untill finally I said no more...I didn't want ot fall into that pattern. He got very upset with me when I asked him if he thought of me as a FWB or wanted that.

 

Now granted we're not both available for a full-on relationship, but I've been going through this same rubber band with my female friend for years, even back to when she was married. We had this intimacy going on that had/has nothing to do with sex and it would just get more and more intense until one of us would tip over and pull back. After time, the cycle would start again. I've noted the timeline to usually last between six months and a year. I told her about this recently and what I wanted to try to alleviate the cycle and attendant emotional pain. I can admit I have a hard time following my own advice, so perhaps I shouldn't be offering it here. One rule I've stuck with is not discussing my M in any detail, so not discussing my relationship, and mainly sticking to business, interests and family stuff. Staying topical with someone you've known for decades and are as comfortable discussing bodily functions as politics with is a challenge to say the least. I can't imagine how it is with you folks who can't make a romantic relationship work with someone but yet are still fighting the connection with them. That must be real tough.

 

I remember some words she wrote a couple years ago about the physical part being easy but the emotional and intellectual part being hard (for her). Perhaps that's what these men are saying. They're fighting a battle inside themselves. Regardless, inflicting the pain of that battle upon someone who loves them isn't healthy, IMO.

Posted

Look ladies, cut through all the confusing static and ask yourself the following:

 

Does he want to/is willing to/is capable of, meeting your needs? If the answer is "No", there's no reason to try to hold onto someone like that.

Posted
Look ladies, cut through all the confusing static and ask yourself the following:

 

Does he want to/is willing to/is capable of, meeting your needs? If the answer is "No", there's no reason to try to hold onto someone like that.

 

In my case the answer to it all is...NO...He can't do it. But, my love for him just does not disapear. With conversations consisting of..."I think about what could have been" or the whole, "I need you" crap, I am left so confused and hanging on for him and his selfish needs. He's said it himself just the day after we were together..."I would never ask you to wait for me." Okay then, C-Ya later! Too bad it is easier said than done.....

Posted

You have full control of your emotions and abilities to let go and move on. Sometimes it takes time to do so but the only way to do so, is to change your perception and literally give up on them.

Posted
Is it possible for a guy to really like you...but truely be scared of commitment??

sure, thats the story of my life. i passed up on tons of women that most men would have given one of their testicles for.

 

life is too short to spend it with one female.

Posted
sure, thats the story of my life. i passed up on tons of women that most men would have given one of their testicles for.

 

life is too short to spend it with one female.

 

So, I'm curious....You feel like is too short....But, do you ever worry about being alone???

Posted
You have full control of your emotions and abilities to let go and move on. Sometimes it takes time to do so but the only way to do so, is to change your perception and literally give up on them.

 

So true....So very true....

Posted
....But, do you ever worry about being alone???

no, for me women are like a bus. if i wait at the station long enough another one comes along. and my odds get better the older i get.

Posted

I've been there - that whole hot-and-cold situation is not only confusing, but SUPER draining. I had no idea what it was all about until I ran into this website: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ It gave me total insight into emotional unavailability (that's what it is when someone can't commit, but can't seem to let you go, either).

Posted
sure, thats the story of my life. i passed up on tons of women that most men would have given one of their testicles for.

 

life is too short to spend it with one female.

 

Out of curiosity - why do you bother with having relationships if you aren't interested in building a future? Why not just go to an escort service or something? Or just pick up women in bars every night? I'm just curious because I just don't understand this mindset.

Posted
Out of curiosity - why do you bother with having relationships if you aren't interested in building a future?

because i want to sleep with as many women as possible but in a somewhat "proper" fashion. each woman is different. i like to call it a "carnal buffet"....

Posted
because i want to sleep with as many women as possible but in a somewhat "proper" fashion. each woman is different. i like to call it a "carnal buffet"....

 

Wow...IMHO, you could really be passing up the chance to truely be happy? I don't know. Would you consider yourself a commitment phobe?

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
Yes, My XBF has told me he is so in love with me...that he "knows that he needs me" and that he still sees a future with me, but until he gets stuff straight in his head, he can't give me more. At least he knows he does have a problem, YET, he won't do anything about it!!! Wow, drives me crazy!!! I have talked to my counselor, and I seem to be following a pattern here. I fall for men who can't love they way I deserve. My XH tried to leave me 3 times...we were married for 13 years until he finally decided to leave and leave for good. My first love did the same thing. The whole..."It's not you, it's me!!"

 

I am beginning to wonder, are there any good men out there??? I am 36 years old, and wonder if at this age, there are actually men out there who really want to commit and not run??? I know women have the same problem at times...I know I am scared now too because of my failed marriage, and the fact that 2 men I was involved with after my divorce where both afraid to go further....

 

I am trying to figure out why I seem to attract these kind of men. I seem to think I can fix them, but in the end, seriously, it is going to have to be them to fix themselves. I find myself questioning things constantly. XBF and I text a little bit today...I told him I was sorry for contacting him, and that it's hard..... He even reminded me that I was the one who walked away because I need to let go and because this is what I wanted....that's when I asked him what he wanted...that was when he said he doesn't think he can say no to me...???? Okay, then I asked him if he loved me...he text back, "More than you will ever know."

 

I am trying very hard to stay away and not get sucked in. I'm tired of wanting something that can't happen....I'm tired of feeling like I am not good enough, but I know that I am...he just can't handle it, and is scared...but I can't fix him..I can only fix me....The cycle really has to stop.

 

darn, I hope we arent dating the same guy!!!

I know exactly how you feel. I believe my ex loves me but he has these problems and he wont commit.

 

I have taken the road of NC...it has been 4 weeks now. he texted me last week to basically telling me I was on his mind but he did not want anything. I took it as nothing has changed but I am thinking about you. I did not respond. I feel like now he is staying away cause he knows he dont have anything to offer me and he knows he wants to keep screwing around. Therefore, he is doing me a favor. Keep catching wind!!!

 

I love him but he makes me crazy and unhappy. I have to stay away for my own sanity and for a better chance at love with him or someone else.

 

My favorite song I listen to is by Toni Braxton called Let it flow. or something like that. Basically she is saying let go and let is flow. It calms me when I am thinking really hard about him. I never wanted our love to end and I still pray about it. But I refuse to be catch up in his mess, his lack of respect, his ways of disregard. I know he cares...how much? I really dont know.

 

All I know is that NC is for me. I dont think it would work to bring him back. I wish it would but I dont know if it would. I need it cause I am unhappy but even more unhappy when I am with him and he is not reating me well.

 

I have gotten better day by day. Prayer by prayer...It is a process and I have to continually work at letting go. Continually. It is hard to believe he is really gone. Hard to believe. Somethng inside of me says it is not. I dont know.

 

All I can say to you is ....NC is good for now. Get your ducks in a row. Dont be caught up by his lack of manhood. YOU are better than that

Posted

Thank you for your response to my post....Since I wrote that several weeks ago, seems that the cycle has once again come to an end. While were were trying to be friends and WHATEVER, I could feel this time that things were different. He no longer has any hope for us at all, I wonder sometimes if it is his defense mechanism to cope, then again, it could be his confusion or he is just telling the truth. Although I felt I accepted the fact that he can't commit to me, but still want to be friends, and "be" with one another on occasion, this is NOT how I want to live. I'm 36, have 2 beautiful boys to think about. Relationships aren't just about ME anymore, but have a lot to do with my kids...in an indirect way. If I want to be with someone, I want them to be with me because they want to be with me...as well as accept the fact that I do have children as well.

 

Yesterday was the last time I spoke with him, I told him that enough was enough. He was having a horrible day already, but I didn't care. I can't be there emotionally for him, nor can I depend on him emotionally anymore....I told him I wanted to move on, I was ready to move on and to delete my number. He agreed that all the contact has got to stop because it is "unfair to me" and that "I keep hanging on". Yes, true...very true...but the last 3 times we ended things, he was always the one to contact me first, regardless of who walked away.....

 

I have since blocked his phone number through my cell phone company through whats called a "Nuisance caller" It will be blocked for 90 days. I can still call him or text him, but he can't contact me. That is fine though because I have NO temptation to contact him at all. I closed the email accounts of mine that he had. Call me drastic, but I don't want him tracking me down. Also, blocked him AND HIS NEW PROSPECT (Victim is a better word) from FB and put my Myspace Profile on private.

 

No more drama...that is what I like to call it, because that is what it is..DRAMA....and no more hanging onto a false hope that he is going to change, because he isn't going to....So yeah, no more wasting time with him...I've already wasted almost 6 months with this guy...6 months may not seem like a long time, but it was long enough for me fall in love with someone who just can't give me the same....

 

I will have to look up that song...the song I listen to right now is by Theory of a Deadman, Not Meant To Be...I even told him to listen to it because it describes how I feel....Word for Word!!!

 

Hang in there 9lives, I too am trying. I am starting my NC all over again, 1 day down though, and I feel good....I want to keep it that way!!!!

Posted
Thank you for your response to my post....Since I wrote that several weeks ago, seems that the cycle has once again come to an end. While were were trying to be friends and WHATEVER, I could feel this time that things were different. He no longer has any hope for us at all, I wonder sometimes if it is his defense mechanism to cope, then again, it could be his confusion or he is just telling the truth. Although I felt I accepted the fact that he can't commit to me, but still want to be friends, and "be" with one another on occasion, this is NOT how I want to live. I'm 36, have 2 beautiful boys to think about. Relationships aren't just about ME anymore, but have a lot to do with my kids...in an indirect way. If I want to be with someone, I want them to be with me because they want to be with me...as well as accept the fact that I do have children as well.

 

Reading your post made me cry. I am walking in the same shoes. The word cycle is right. I wouldnt say he did not have hope for you and him. He chose not to think about it or worry about it. In the end, pretty much he was trying to have me as a friend, he was wanting us to be there for each other without a commitment. And you are right..YOU DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT. He dont get it really cause you are there.

 

He knows how you feel and he is not moving in the same direction you are moving in so let him be. Painful as it is. Let him be. I am living it right now. It dont feel good. I still have sleepless nights but I believe God is going to restore me. I believe something good is going to happen. I still pray about our love and ask God to restore it. I still think about him all the time.

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was the last time I spoke with him, I told him that enough was enough. He was having a horrible day already, but I didn't care. I can't be there emotionally for him, nor can I depend on him emotionally anymore....I told him I wanted to move on, I was ready to move on and to delete my number. He agreed that all the contact has got to stop because it is "unfair to me" and that "I keep hanging on". Yes, true...very true...but the last 3 times we ended things, he was always the one to contact me first, regardless of who walked away.....

 

b

I have since blocked his phone number through my cell phone company through whats called a "Nuisance caller" It will be blocked for 90 days. I can still call him or text him, but he can't contact me. That is fine though because I have NO temptation to contact him at all. I closed the email accounts of mine that he had. Call me drastic, but I don't want him tracking me down. Also, blocked him AND HIS NEW PROSPECT (Victim is a better word) from FB and put my Myspace Profile on private.

 

sometimes you have to be drastic to shock yourself and make you realize that you have to change. It is very easy to get drawn back into the cycle of bull/shi. I have not done any of that. I just dont call or text. The only change I made was changing my gym membership. What I do to say strong is write down what I hated about being with him, pray,LS, certain songs, and things like that. I am suppose to be heading to the gym right now but I am in need to write to ease my feelings some.

No more drama...that is what I like to call it, because that is what it is..DRAMA....and no more hanging onto a false hope that he is going to change, because he isn't going to....So yeah, no more wasting time with him...I've already wasted almost 6 months with this guy...6 months may not seem like a long time, but it was long enough for me fall in love with someone who just can't give me the same....

You are right. The drama is over. That is the last thing I told him too. I said

"I am so tired of loving someone who really dont give a F/k about me. I am so tired and unhappy"...He replied with are we still talking..I didnt reply. It is very hard to keep hoping and wanting and he just keep you with out giving. Not cool at all. Makes you wonder if you love me.

 

I will have to look up that song...the song I listen to right now is by Theory of a Deadman, Not Meant To Be...I even told him to listen to it because it describes how I feel....Word for Word!!!

 

Hang in there 9lives, I too am trying. I am starting my NC all over again, 1 day down though, and I feel good....I want to keep it that way!!!!

 

There will be good days and bad days. YOu will be fine. Keep your word to yourself and to your children. You want a better life and you are the only one who can give it to yourself. God BlessB]

Posted
There will be good days and bad days. YOu will be fine. Keep your word to yourself and to your children. You want a better life and you are the only one who can give it to yourself. God BlessB]

 

9lives,

 

Thank you again for your response. I am a true believe that God can restore anyone who allows Him to do a work within. I need to return to church, I haven't been going since meeting my XBF...crazy how that happens.....

 

NC is hard, but it has to happen, especially in my case. I wanted more, and although he has told me several times, it will never be, he sends so many mixed messages. But NO MORE, Today is day 2, no contact.. :) I can't wait until I can say 2 MONTHS! :) I have allowed myself to get hurt by this situation. He has said several time too that he just can't let me go. You are right when you say, "He knows you are there." The only thing I can think of is, "He wants to have his cake and eat it too..." Literally!!! and NOPE, I'm not a piece of NOR a DOORMAT!!! Neither are you.....

 

The minute these men see that we are moving on with our lives, and can live without them, that is when they will really realize that they had a chance at a good thing, but then again, maybe they will never realize it because soon, they will be off to the next person, wanting to start something that was lost, and who knows...if they will even be able to do it, they may end up getting hurt, or hurting another. At this point, I don't care, nor do I want to know....He even has told me, He does not want to know that I'm seeing someone. I honestly don't see it happening that fast. I have only been divorced for almost 2 years, and to be honest, this relationship was something I was not expecting, nor prepared for....

 

Right now, as I type this, I have a feeling of un-easiness...doubt and wondering if I did the right thing...then I envision a brick, flying right at me and about to hit me on the head....either I will dodge that "brick" or allow it to hurt me...Yeah, I'm tired of hurting. I just want to be happy again...

 

Do I miss him, sure. But I was asked by someone yesterday, if it is so bad, what do I miss about him? I think I miss the intimacy and the person that I thought he WAS. Someone so willing to share their life with me, as well as share my life with him...It can never and will never be....I've accepted that, and now just want to heal....

 

Hang in there 9lives....I am too...day by day, and things will get better...this is just the first step to that...making the choice to let go...and it seems as if we both already have made that first step... :) God Bless....

Posted
9lives,

 

Thank you again for your response. I am a true believe that God can restore anyone who allows Him to do a work within. I need to return to church, I haven't been going since meeting my XBF...crazy how that happens.....

 

You said it right about the Father...ALLOW...That has not been easy. He told me to let go. I have to constantly remind myself that is what my instructions are. He told me 3 times. I returned to church because of this situation and I am glad that I did. I realize that the Father is where I belong and I am not going to give up my relationship with him ever again. He is true. Everyone else is suspect.

 

NC is hard, but it has to happen, especially in my case. I wanted more, and although he has told me several times, it will never be, he sends so many mixed messages. But NO MORE, Today is day 2, no contact.. :) I can't wait until I can say 2 MONTHS! :) I have allowed myself to get hurt by this situation. He has said several time too that he just can't let me go. You are right when you say, "He knows you are there." The only thing I can think of is, "He wants to have his cake and eat it too..." Literally!!! and NOPE, I'm not a piece of NOR a DOORMAT!!! Neither are you.....

 

Yes my ex was sending me mixed messages too. He did not say never but he could not make a decision and he is sleeping with someone else. I knew it was time to go. He didnt want to let go but he did not want to treat me good either. He wasnt dogging me out or anything like that. I want to be treated good ....not right only. I couldnt take it. I was sooooo unhappy about it. The rollercoast ride was unbearable. I finally had to say okay fine. This guy(your guy) does not want to let you go. He cares so dont believe it is a cake walk for him. But you have to stand up for your own destiny with or without him. Your own life. What you want from your future. It is up to you. That is where I am. He will play this game for a long time if he is not put in a position to make a stand. Be strong. It is going to be hard...dont think any different. It is not for the weak baby cause not calling and standing strong is ROUGH especially when you want to keep him.

 

The minute these men see that we are moving on with our lives, and can live without them, that is when they will really realize that they had a chance at a good thing, but then again, maybe they will never realize it because soon, they will be off to the next person, wanting to start something that was lost, and who knows...if they will even be able to do it, they may end up getting hurt, or hurting another. At this point, I don't care, nor do I want to know....He even has told me, He does not want to know that I'm seeing someone. I honestly don't see it happening that fast. I have only been divorced for almost 2 years, and to be honest, this relationship was something I was not expecting, nor prepared for....

 

Oh they got they little chest stuck out now. But he is going to feel it for sure. You just make sure when you do decide to deal with him again it is on your terms and regardless of what is going on, you will not be hurt by him anymore. Who knows what the future holds for you two. Let God direct your path. Pray your desire and let God work his way. I just keep my distance. I still have too much love in my heart for him. I just love the man I met so much. This new fella is not my type.

 

Right now, as I type this, I have a feeling of un-easiness...doubt and wondering if I did the right thing...then I envision a brick, flying right at me and about to hit me on the head....either I will dodge that "brick" or allow it to hurt me...Yeah, I'm tired of hurting. I just want to be happy again...

 

Yes you are going to feel this uneasiness so many times for a while. I feel it every day almost. THIS IS IMPORTANT....Sometimes you are not going to be able to just go home. Sometimes you might need a big candy bar or alot of ice cream. Sometimes you might need to go over a friends house and listen to them talk to forget about your problems. Sometimes you might need to stay up all night watch tv ....YOu are going to be out of your element for a while. But you will know when your nerves are claim enough to get back to your regular routine. If any of your friends make you feel bad, put them off too for a while. IT is all about you right now..No one else.

 

Do I miss him, sure. But I was asked by someone yesterday, if it is so bad, what do I miss about him? I think I miss the intimacy and the person that I thought he WAS. Someone so willing to share their life with me, as well as share my life with him...It can never and will never be....I've accepted that, and now just want to heal....

 

Hang in there 9lives....I am too...day by day, and things will get better...this is just the first step to that...making the choice to let go...and it seems as if we both already have made that first step... :) God Bless....

 

 

well I am here....You can count on me. Yes one step at a time. One leads to two llleads to three leads to free!!!

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