mendsley Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 For those who don't know my story, my wife and I have been seperated for about 8 months. She lives about 10 hours away from me with my son and two step sons. Quick background: September of last year I was offered a promotion at work and against her wishes, I took the promotion out of state. So she said fine then I am going back to where my family lives. Well after a few months roll by I found her email passwords and found out she was having an emotional affair online with someone who lives on the opposite side of the country, no PA that I know of. This affair went on about 5 months before our spilt, as karma has it, he ended up getting some chick pregnant and cut all ties with my wife. We have talked since our split about the marriage, divorce and future and she is always reluctant to go into great detail of what she really wants. Her actions point towards her already done with me but she still has not givin me any insight on how she really feels. No what is presently going on: Last weekend I went down to pick up my son and his brother to take them camping for a week. I told her that I would pick them up on Easter Sunday afternoon so they can spend Easter with her and her family. She said well how about we ALL have Easter on Saturday so you can spend it with us. I never expected her to say this, but I said yes I would love to. We had a great time, I got her an Easter gift and we really had a wonderful time. Well the boys and I left for the week and I would send her a text here and there to let her know I was thinking of her and she would only write back thats nice, thank you. She did not once initiate or even call or write any messeges to check on me, she called her kids. So I thought well maybe I am being to foward here and backed off and started thinking more positive, maybe she did the Easter thing just out of kindness for the boys NOT for US. So I drop them off at her house after our week and she invited me to have diner with them, and of course I said sure. As I was sitting there I noticed there were no pictures of her and I any where in the living room, there has always been pictures of us there. So I started thinking WTF, I guess she is checked out. As we were eating I was thinking about that and out of nowhere she asked if I wanted to stay the night there. I said I am not sure and finished eating. After I ate I have been thinking about the picture thing the whole time and was pretty angry but did NOT show it. I told her well I should be going now, and she asked one more time "If it would be easier on you, you can stay here tonight", I nicely declined and told her that I was going to see my grandmother, which was true. So I have not talked to her since and I am still mad about the picture thing, I know it sounds petty, but I guess I am looking for signs of how she feels about us and the picture thing is big cause it shows a stronger sense of seperation from me. I don't know, maybe I am freakin whacked and am reading into all this WAAAAY to much. I am on this emotional roller coaster and I really want it to end but, I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to be the person to end the marriage because I do NOT want this. What do you guys think? | MIKE |
confused71 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I would be carefull if I were you. I noticed a lot of walkaway wives want to still try and be friends after they have ripped your heart out.I guess it helps alleviate their guilt and gives them peace of mind that you have forgiven them. My guess is as soon as you mention reconcilliation to her she will not want to know. I have been in similar situation.My STBX started calling and texting again about all types of nonsense and saying she misses me.So of course I eventually break NC and get the same old 'no I just want to be friends 'crap.
pelicanpreacher Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Her "cock crowed twice" but stopped at thrice. She needs to put her feelings on the table without your prompting so now is the time to shine the gem in you that makes you special, exciting, and priceless! Hopefully by now you've gotten your sea legs back and are able to analyze her actions with detached emotion. This perspective will allow you to surmise your situation for what it is instead of what you'd like it to be. If light be both particle and wave then love is both action and emotion so it's best to not only hear the emotion in what she says but to also feel it in the actions you see. Removing the pictures of you from walls conflicts with her request that you spend the night and you were astute enough to catch that. Quell the urge to show negative emotion as you process this and instead, be both alluring and mysterious to draw her truth out into the open. Since she left you while carrying on an EA it might be possible that she has emerged from its fog to realize the enormity of what she lost when she threw her marriage away but is too scared to risk exposure to the pain of your rejection should she come right out and say what she feels. Sometimes women feel that by offering their bodies in a sacrificial gesture they've communicated their wish to reconcile but the danger of that type of unspoken communication often creates a false sense of commitment that can spiral one's healing back to square one. To pique her curiosity you might want to mention that you've seen a therapist and (speaking only in general terms) how it's helped you to somewhat understand how things can drastically go wrong without ever knowing it while helping you get better at reading the signs. If she wants to talk let her speak but do not make any suggestions or push for any answers. Remember to listen with mind, body, and soul to actually feel what she's trying to say. Be confident that if she still loves and trusts you (funny since she's the one that had the affair, right?) she'll voluntarily open up to be honest with you again. As Confused71 advised though, you need to tread carefully lest you lose the ground you've gained in restoring yourself during this separation.
Author mendsley Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 confused71, I agree to be careful. I honostly feel she unintentually rips out my heart when she does things like this. I really think she is trying to be nice cause she knows I am hurt and I have nobody. I know that much of the pain I feel is self inflicted, by that I mean I put myself in the postition to witness things that I guess are signs of her moving on. As many here know it's really hard to except things when you are forced to make decisions you do not want to make. This has been going on for 8 months and I am getting angry with myself because I should be moving on and I, for some reason, will not allow myself. I constantly keep thinking of the things we have done and that is what puts me in a flat spin and after a few days I start to think correctly and can control my mind. I know I create my own problems!! I know what I have to do, I know I need to go file for divorce, I need to not worry about her cause she has moved on. I mean if it was anybody else in the world who betrayed my trust the way she did I would just shrug my shoulders kick them to the curb and go on merry way, but this is not the case with her. pelicanpreacher, I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem to write things in a way that I can understand fully. I am sure you have read plenty of my postings and ytou always seem to give me very helpful advice, so thank you for that Maybe I need to find another woman to help me progress? I don't know?
delajoonal Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 hi there... i read your post, and i have noticed some similarities in our stories/situations...other than i am a woman and you are a man..lol anyway...the thing you stated about asking your stbx how SHE really feels about the whole thing...and she cannot NOT answer you... although she says she knows EXACTLY what she wants, right, BUT when you ask what THAT is...no repsonse? like my dh, they have no definative answer. my dh is doing the same thing to me..oh, did i mention he too had an online EA, and the OW broke IT off to fix her own marriage, 2 kids, etc. plus i called her H and text her and told her to leave my family/husband alone...and she did..LOL so, now that their online EA have deserted them, they no longer really KNOW what they want...and they cant' come out and say directly, "ok, i messed up, please take me back, etc." it would be admitting they were wrong and more.. your stbx is showing HUGE signs of regret already, by asking you to stay the night and asking more than once too...she still does not know what she wants, BUT is feeling you out...seeing where you stand at this point? oh and the picture thing...i can tell you, it is so she doesn't have to be reminded of ANY happy memories she has now destroyed...i can say from experience, IT IS ALL her...she is a mess...you just keep taking care of you and doing what is right for your children.. my dh took OFF his wedding band a few weeks back...thought i would die! i didn't say anything at first, like you with the pictures being gone, but OH man, it ate at me and the more time went by, the more angry i got... i finally asked him where it was..he said he put it on his key ring..LOL nice, right, thanks for wearing MY HEART on your key ring...geesh! so i asked for it back...he reluctanly gave it back.. but a few days later he wanted it back to wear while at work... well, i never did give the ring back... anyway...you dont' have to do what i did, asking where the ring was, but i am saying if it eats at you too much..ask...plus what do your children think? are they wondering where are all the pics of you, etc? that might be a good segway into that subject... "where are the pics of me (and you) and what about what the kids think?" anyway, i am not a professional on this, my seperation barely started a few weeks ago...but just thought this might help a bit;)
Author mendsley Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 delajoonal, thanks for your response. I come to LS everyday and read postings and yours did stick out to me. In this wierd way I am glas to know someone else feels like I do, I wish no one had to go thru this but, I'm glad to know someone else knows this feeling. I do have to say that you seem like a realy neat person, and it is quite a shame people will throw the good fish back, only to chance what the the next catch will bring. I was reading something somewhere, sorry so vague, and came across this. Maybe some of you have already seen this but I thought I would share with my buds The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child. The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold. The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort. The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss. The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know. The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work. The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth. The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become. The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart. The Pain Stops: When you are ready. I thought it was neat!
TrustInYourself Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Date others, take her photos down, and stop showing her that you care or are thinking about her. No more texts or anything. Cut her off emotionally, like she has done to you. Then you will see her start to chase you. Then you have to ask yourself, do you want to be chased. You did the right thing by not staying. She is testing you and your resolve on moving on. Prepare for more efforts by her to test your relationship. If she is willing to talk about your relationship, and give you a definitive yes to working on things, then you are both ready to work on reconciliation. Otherwise, more mystery and positive energy. Less worrying about what she's doing with your photos, lol.
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