CapitalChick Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I will try to keep this short because frankly its a long story! I had a difficult & sudden breakup with my ex fiancee 7 months ago. We were engaged and in a pretty intense relationship, and 4 wks after the engagement he felt we were very different and he was simply "unsure" whether he should marry me. He had cold feet. Didnt help that his parents werent big fans of us getting engaged and told him as much. Honestly, he was weak and due to lack of support and growing fear of commitment he decided to bail. He left me in limbo for 4 months (last summer) and to be honest, it was the worst year of my life. I have never hurt that badly ever before. I loved him a lot and the split left me empty. It has taken me a long time to accept that its over. Anyway, I finally made the decision for him and broke it off in October after the breakdown of our engagement (which began in June).. he sent me text messages after i sent him the final "goodbye" text and then eased up. I then heard from him in December when he asked how I was doing. I responded with a cold text to which he responded that he still thought about me every single day. I didnt respond. Now its been 4 months since then, and he sent me a very long email 2 weeks ago as if we're long lost friends! He doesnt state his motives for emailing. The only aknowledgement he made to the distance was "Hi - its been a very long time - although thats stating the obvious!" I responded with a friendly email (I dont want to continue with the coldness or animosity) and he once again responded back with a nice email. After exchanging another email, I got a 2 liner email which was a little flirty and pretty close ended in my opinion. I didnt respond. Then in the same week (this is bizarre!) I saw him on what looked like a date - Im pretty sure he saw me. This guy is one of the coldest men Ive ever come across. He doesnt believe in staying in touch with ex's and part of the reason he pulled away from me and slowly cut off contact was because he believed it was the honourable thing to do i.e. because he wasnt sure if he wanted to marry me, it was honorable for him to let me go and get on with my life. I was the only woman he ever loved, and I was his only real serious relationship at the age of 27. anyway the curiousity around his email killed me. I sent him an email last week suggesting he never contact me again etc. I was firm but friendly. I then became impatient and simply sent another email asking why the heck he even emailed. About an hour later I grew so angry at myself for behaving like a kid by sending him mixed signals in the same day! IM FED UP WITH THE GAMES. So I called him. Sounds like a stupid thing to do but it helped finally to do so and obtain closure. He admitted he missed me, and was FINALLY able to give me the answers I was always after .. i.e. why did he not try harder to save our r'ship etc. Turns out he still wonders whether he made the biggest mistake letting go of the most precious thing in his life. He went as far as to say that in his 28 years of dating and meeting girls (before & after the demise of our r'ship), hes never met anyone like me and finally understands why elders recall memorys of certain people from their young age with such fondness and love. He believes he'll never come across someone like me again. He said that he still cannot visit certain places or eat certain things we had fond memories around - and how he still has my possessions exactly where i left them in his place. He then proceeded to tell me that hes written me many times via email but never sent them in the end, and this one time he clicked "send"! He said it was the most intense r'ship hes ever been in, and at some point it had to blow up, and either we'd survive it or not. He still believes if we'd hung on to each other we may have made it through (altho I DONT THINK SO!).. and this is the interesting part, he proceeded to ask whether id rather have a volatile r'ship or a slow steady one.. to which i said the latter. He said he preferred volatile due to the passion and intensity..which is what we had!!! I shared my opinion of the demise which is quite simply, it was too intense too quickly, and it moved wayyyy too fast. We were both head over heels as if we were teens!! Plus his job (in which he works ridiculous hours - i mean 10-midnight at least 6 days out of 7!) really ended up getting in the way when we were trying to make things work when our families got in the way. Anyway we had a fantastic frank and honest conversation in which we both found a level of comfort i guess. I admitted to him that sure i was in a far better place then i had been emotionally a few months ago, but that no i wasnt over him. I admitted this to him after he made it clear that his feelings have not changed. If anything hes obtained a sense of clarity and is more able to communicate his emotions now than he could when everything was coming to an end. Im not sure why im posting this, i guess i wonder whether he is hoping for some sort of reconciliation or whether hes playing games?!
Flying Burrito Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 He's playing games. There's no way for you to know what his motivation is. Take the closure. Keep moving forward.
samspade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I agree: games. Maybe he wants to hit it again, or maybe he wants to be friends. If he wanted you as a 100% romantic partner, there would be no ambiguity. Move on.
vessv6l Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 capitalchick do you want to work things out with him?
Author CapitalChick Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Do I want him back.. well a part of me would like the option. Who wouldn't when it comes to an ex. I still have deep feelings for him. Our breakup was bizzarre, and to this day its unexplainable. The only real reason for it was him emotional immaturity in being in a relationship. He got scared. I knew it then, and I know it now. I know hes not stopped loving me, and I also know he will wonder for a long time whether he made the wrong choice. From the conversation we had, I guess a part of me was ecstatic that he'd realised where he went wrong and also what our r'ship had been for both of us. But sure I was disappointed he didnt ask me to hang out or grab coffee even. Its almost like we spoke about the r'ship so fondly, and afterwards there was this huge cloud that hung over us after the 2 hr convo, which was "if it was so great, why are we not trying again"! But the onace is on him to say/feel that, not me! Dont you agree?
Recommended Posts