heartmixer Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Hi all, I knew my ex from a dating site 8 months ago. I am in my mid twenties and he was in his early thirties. I was grieving over my mum's death and he came into the picture. He was the best boyfriend i ever had, preparing my favourite meals and taking me to places i've always wanted to go. He introduced me to his family and friends and through the demonstration of his acts of love like holding my hands , getting a couple ring, there was never a doubt that he loved me. He made it a point to send me home. I felt so blessed to have such a wonderful god-sent guy to love and adore me after my mum's demise. I enjoyed talking to him and i sensed that we enjoyed each other's company. We were comfortable with one another and it seemed that we knew each other forever He always gives me a good bye kiss on my lips or forehead.When i am with him, he always leaned near me and i took it that this is an unconscious attempt by him to invade my personal space because he loves me and wants to be close to me physically. People around me could tell that he cares a great deal for me and i matter alot to him. I observed his body language closely when he was with me, and i can tell that he truly likes me. But my world came crumbling down when we had a minor fight two weekends ago as I've incurred his wrath for not expressing concern to me when he is extremely busy at work. He told me that he wants a break up. I was devestated, because it makes no sense that he would want a breakup over such a minor reason when we are still going strong emotionally and I am still very much in love with him. I tried to reason with him on the exact reasons for breakup, he gave a whole range of excuses " we are far apart in our opinions and lifestyles, i had an attitude problem and that i was too arrogant and antisocial" He insisted on a breakup when i pleaded with him to re consider this decision as i can't figured why he is so admant to break up with me over such invalid reasons .I am willing to change for the better and find a way to work around the issues we are facing. I began to lose control of my emotions as I can't believe that my ex would be willing to part with me when i can sense such intense emotions and love from him. I gave him an ultimatium that he still holds some feelings for me, he would call me by the week . He did call and told me that after having a one-to-one consultation with his psychiatrist or rather life coach, he "realised he neither has any romantic feelings for me nor like me" He told me frankly that he was with me solely for companionship as he was lonely and desperate for a person to stay by him. I was shocked and find it hard to believe his words. He sounded very hostile and domineering to me and told me that i had to be realistic and move on as he would never like or love me. He said he has made attempts to fall in love with me but he just couldn't find any sparks between us and only has buddy feelings for me. He said he wouldnt miss me or wants me to contact him anymore and wished me well. Subsequently, he deleted me from his facebook and msn. I feel so devestated and thought that he had said those words out of impulse and out of anger. I tried contacting him over the next few days and he said he was only nice to me because he had to act the role of a bf and told me that he rather i moved on without him and he could forsee that i would be with a better guy soon. He said it would be against his conscience if he continues to lead me on and it will be dishonest to his own feelings. It has been two weeks, and he has not contacted me.I am very depressed now as i always believed that he did love me and he did everything for me purely out of love and not simply for show.(like what he put it across to me). He became a jerk overnight and doesn't spare a thought for my feelings. I don't know what to do now, but i still love him very much, i wish it was just a nightmar but he is so heartless and cruel to me now and it seems he just keen to move on and wants a clean break from me. What should i do? can anyone helps me to make sense of this entire episode? Was he really using me and he didnt have any feelings for me all along>?
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 .....He did call and told me that after having a one-to-one consultation with his psychiatrist or rather life coach, he ......What should i do? can anyone helps me to make sense of this entire episode? Was he really using me and he didnt have any feelings for me all along>? The bit I put in bold actually speaks volumes to me... is it his psychistrist OR life-coach? You know, there is an enormous huge clinical difference between the two - but I would say, in any case, your ex- has mental problems. Really. He sounds very narcissisitc and almost of two temperaments... there appears, on the strength of what you write here, to be a definite personality disorder, or even a severe psychosis.... I know people can have change of heart or fall out of love - but hsi words to you are both cruel and extreme. his bluntness and frank cruelty do not sound to me, like a person who either is capable of love, or is in their right mind. I know this must be very painful for you, but I really think there is a far deeper issue here than what he is telling you. The only honest thing he may be saying, is ".....he neither has any romantic feelings for me nor like me" With the disorder he may have, it seems reasonable he is actually incapable of any committed relationship. He has done you a favour, to be sure.
Lucky_One Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Gracious, Tara - you can tell he has a personality disorder from one post? Any stock tips? Heartmixer, it sounds to me that you have been in a 8 month long dating relationship with no physical intimacies. After 8 months, a man longs to do something with you besides a kiss on the lips or forehead, and he does a lot more to invade your personal space rather than lean close to you. It could be simply that he wasn't all that into you after a few months, but you were very clingy and emotional due to the death of your mother, and he was hesitant to break up with you due to your emotional stability. There is nothing heartless and cruel about being straightforward about your feelings and ending a relationship. He is telling you over and over that he doesn't love you. You say that you feel he loves you, but he is telling you what he knows himself to be true. In such a case, I have to put my trust into his words - he knows himself far better than you know him, especially after only 8 months. Stop calling him, stop emailing him. He has the right to break up; be graceful about it, and let him. It hurts, but this is a fairly short term relationship, and you WILL get past it, I promise.
Anntonii Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 When someone loves you, it doesn't matter what reason. When he no longer loves you... I guess it won't matter what the reason either. The only thing which he did correct could be to tell you that he no longer loves you and not hiding this fact and continue to make use of you. Move on... there could be someone out there who loves you more than him...
moman Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Just reading your post made me sad as a man. I'm sad that there are men heartless and cruel enough to lead you on like this and then let you down. No one deserves to go through this, especially you, coming after your other loss. Just hang in there sweetie. The next few weeks will probably be difficult, but one day you will be free to love someone else again and see this guy for the jerk he was to you.
Girlygirl1977 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Wow - His words to you are cruel and unusual punishment. I really think that you are much better off even though it will not be clear to you for a while. He is a very self-centered and selfish guy and by his recent behavior it shows that he doesn't care for you. He may not be capable of it. We don't know how someone with his make-up thinks and he probably is not capable of love. He may have been trying to but the same wall occurred with you. This is of course very sad. Move on and move on fast! This guy is not right in the mind. I feel like I once dated someone like this in a way. . .
xpaperxcutx Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Even if he had to break up with you, he needn't had been so blunt about his feelings. His words are abrasive, and had it been me, I would have given him a smack on the face. You have to think about the kind of man he is suddenly coming to such a conclusion about his feelings. Nobody just turns off their feelings like that unless they're psychologically unstable, or just heartless. I think he's psychologically incapable of love. You should have told him to shove his life- coach crap up his ***.
likestolaugh Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 this is for the best. If what you describe is true, then a man like that doesn't deserve you. Frankly he sounds like an *******. No self-respecting human being would treat another like that.
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