Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I have been involved with a married man for almost 5 years. When we started I was married too but I have been divorced for almost 4 years and not because of the MM. It was based on sex but then he took me on trips and did other things to make me feel very special. That has changed over the years and now it mostly about sex and a few phone calls and daily text messages. I know it is all based on fantasy not reality but I can't seem to let go. I have hardly any family and my few friends do not know of my secret. The thought of letting go causes panic and loneliness. I know it is the right thing to do but can't imagine my life without him in it no matter how little. I know I sound pathetic and believe me my head is very pissed at my heart. I am open to all comments and suggestions.
White Flower Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Why do you feel the need to let go now after five years? Have you tried dating SGs? Are you feeling used? Are you just not satisfied? It would be helpful to have more info before I give advice. Thanks, WF.
Author Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 In the beginning I felt more special and now reality has crashed in --- Yes I have dated single men but never found a connection-- I will never date another MM again --- way too painful. I knew we would never be forever ---- I knew he would never leave and I don't think I ever wanted that but I did enjoy the attention but now that is less and less so I know it is time to let go. I am hoping this is just a process and that I am in the beginning phase and that my brain will win over my heart and do the right thing for ME!
White Flower Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 In the beginning I felt more special and now reality has crashed in --- Yes I have dated single men but never found a connection-- I will never date another MM again --- way too painful. I knew we would never be forever ---- I knew he would never leave and I don't think I ever wanted that but I did enjoy the attention but now that is less and less so I know it is time to let go. I am hoping this is just a process and that I am in the beginning phase and that my brain will win over my heart and do the right thing for ME! By 'less and less' are you saying that he is falling out of love and so you are withdrawing?
Author Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I am not sure he ever loved me but I guess the infatuation is less and less and yes I could demand more attention and probably get it but I want him to want to give it to me because he wants to not because I ask. He probably got bored with is wife and that is why he got involved with me and now 5 years later is bored with me. I know what I need to do but the addiction is strong
White Flower Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I think you are right, it is time to get out. I would tell him exactly what you are feeling. Do you both say the words, 'I love you'? Or do you verbally call him your addiction? At any rate, let him know you are unhappy and need to end it. Who knows, this might turn him around. If not, then you are much better off and free to find someone who can give you their full heart.
fooled once Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 If he hasn't left his wife for you by now, he isn't going to. So essentially, you have to decide if this is all you want for the rest of your life --- crumbs from him. Don't you deserve to be THE focus of a man? Don't you deserve to be #1? Why settle for less?
Author Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 No neither of us have used the "love" word. He never said he would leave and I never really wanted him to leave. He just made me feel very special in the beginning and I think I fell in love with that feeling. I know I need to end it and trying to talk myself into it but I have to be prepared also. Thanks for taking the time to comment :-)
Author Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 To tell you the truth, I never wanted him to leave --- I just wanted to be his special girl. I was married most of my adult life and do not plan to marry again. I like the attention. I tried dating and it is horrible lol Thanks for the suggestions. I do know the right thing to do but I am having trouble following through because without his calls and texts, I really have no one that cares how my day was --- I wish I had family support but I never had kids and have no family and my friends are busy with their own lifes. I know I am just loney and so it is hard to let go. I know I deserve more.
DNU1 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Lebon58: Rest assured that there are gazillions of quality men out there just looking and hoping to find someone whom they can make feel special! Trust me on this one... Let him go. Tell him you never want to hear from him again...and break all contact with him. It will take you months, if not even years to get over him, but you must break off all contact in order to recover. Every time you text him, or call or e-mail or even see him you will be back at square one in your withdrawal from his spell. His spell isn't that you have found your "soul mate", it's that he was meeting key emotional needs for you. Affection, admiration, sexual fulfillment, physical contact, there are many...and he was meeting them on a regular basis. That's why you fell for him, he was meeting your key needs. But remember this...he's MARRIED and has been for five years. He's not going any where. He's what we call a cake-eater. Will keep his wife, kids, white-picket fence house, job, country club, etc., and his girl on the side that makes him feel young and meets some of his emotional needs (probably sexual fulfillment). He's using you. Drop him. Drop him hard and fast and move on. And in order to do so you MUST break off all contact with him. If he keeps trying to call you tell him you are going to tell his wife. And you probably should tell his wife. She deserves to know what he's been doing. She deserves to know that he's been lying, cheating, sneaking around, sleeping with other women. Be strong...do the right thing...
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 my friends are busy with their own lifes. But how busy were you with yours during the 'highs' of your affair with the MM over the past 5 years? Just saying that friendship is a two way street and one can't expect anyone else to be there for them if it's one way. Most people have busy lives, kids etc, but that should not stop a friend from calling another friend and being included in eachothers lives. Not accusing you of anything but it seems you've put all your eggs in one basket, relying on one person to make you feel good and special. And now that you're thinking of letting go, or atleast detaching (I hope!) you're scared of the unknown. The thing is, what you're hanging onto isn't really real and it's selfish love. You won't ever connect with any other man until you break it off with the MM and heal. Be alone for a while, learn to rely on yourself and not a man. If you want it over, then it takes effort. Your mind won't take over your heart unless you put work into it and try to get out of the habit of having him in your life. Exclude him from your daily life..
White Flower Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 But how busy were you with yours during the 'highs' of your affair with the MM over the past 5 years? Just saying that friendship is a two way street and one can't expect anyone else to be there for them if it's one way. Most people have busy lives, kids etc, but that should not stop a friend from calling another friend and being included in eachothers lives. Not accusing you of anything but it seems you've put all your eggs in one basket, relying on one person to make you feel good and special. And now that you're thinking of letting go, or atleast detaching (I hope!) you're scared of the unknown. The thing is, what you're hanging onto isn't really real and it's selfish love. You won't ever connect with any other man until you break it off with the MM and heal. Be alone for a while, learn to rely on yourself and not a man. If you want it over, then it takes effort. Your mind won't take over your heart unless you put work into it and try to get out of the habit of having him in your life. Exclude him from your daily life..Excellent post whichway. L58, you really need to make your friends a priority right now. Get back to socializing with them on a regular basis. I was so depressed yesterday I was irrational. I decided to get pro-active and call my friends one by one until one of them offered to take me out for cocktails. We ended up laughing the night away and made fun of the girls who thought they were so cute dancing. (Well, they were cute but we wanted to laugh anyway). My point is, friends really do help in a time like this. But you need to make the first move. Start calling...
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 In any crisis in life, not just in these types of situations, girl friends are the best to be around to cheer you up! When my father died, my girl friends rallied around me and definately helped me through one of the worst times in my life. Listen to WF, connect with your friends again, make THEM a priority in your life, then you'll become a priority in theirs. As I said earlier, it's a two way street.
White Flower Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 In any crisis in life, not just in these types of situations, girl friends are the best to be around to cheer you up! When my father died, my girl friends rallied around me and definately helped me through one of the worst times in my life. Listen to WF, connect with your friends again, make THEM a priority in your life, then you'll become a priority in theirs. As I said earlier, it's a two way street. So very true. I really have no family left in the world except my sister and she doesn't live very close to me. It is my friends who comfort me and take care of me. I would die for them and I'm sure they for me. Start calling.
Author Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Thanks for suggestion. I will give it a try.
stampdaddy Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I'm single.... WF and WWIU can vouch for me...
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