BobSacamento Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Yeah I usually go for it on the first date if I'm extremely confident I won't get rejected. Usually on the second date, if everything has gone well, I'll go for it no matter what. You going to plan a second date?
Author 39388 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 You going to plan a second date? I left her a message. If she's interested I'm sure I'll get a call back.
Phateless Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I had a very good time, but did make a number of mistakes. Most of them were due to inexperience. I'm not sure if this thing is going to go beyond the first date, but am already emailing another woman. Don't concentrate on one at a time. Just send out lots of emails and develop connections with the ones who respond. Mistakes are fine. DO NOT criticize yourself for making them. You know you made them so you probably know what they are. Try to learn from them and be proud of yourself for recognizing them. Give yourself permission to make slow progress. At least you're making progress. You should be happy about that.
Author 39388 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Don't concentrate on one at a time. Just send out lots of emails and develop connections with the ones who respond. Mistakes are fine. DO NOT criticize yourself for making them. You know you made them so you probably know what they are. Try to learn from them and be proud of yourself for recognizing them. Give yourself permission to make slow progress. At least you're making progress. You should be happy about that. The one I had a date with just rejected me over email. I don't think we were quite right for each other looking back at it, but felt I needed to ask just in case. I would like to talk to multiple women at once, but I'm lucky if I get one email a week from a woman on the dating sites I'm on. I'm definitely learning from my mistakes. I made a few that I know of and probably a few more that I don't know I made. I try to give myself permission to go slow, but it's an emotionally charged issue in my head, more than any other. My next thead will be how to meet women in real life, so I don't have to depend completely on sites with many more men than women.
Bayern Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Yes, plant your seed everywhere. Only a few of them grow. The rest wilt away. What a horrid description and metaphor...dark... Good luck.
Author 39388 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Sorry to hear dude. Did you at least try to kiss her? Now that she has said no, it seems really clear that she never wanted a 2nd date at all. Not wanting a hug at the end I'd think is about the strongest no you can get.
clv0116 Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 .... am already emailing another woman. Go go go. Keep your chin up.
Phateless Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 The one I had a date with just rejected me over email. I don't think we were quite right for each other looking back at it, but felt I needed to ask just in case. I would like to talk to multiple women at once, but I'm lucky if I get one email a week from a woman on the dating sites I'm on. I'm definitely learning from my mistakes. I made a few that I know of and probably a few more that I don't know I made. I try to give myself permission to go slow, but it's an emotionally charged issue in my head, more than any other. My next thead will be how to meet women in real life, so I don't have to depend completely on sites with many more men than women. Completely understand. You've had years to build this up into a big giant deal in your head, and that doesn't just go away. Hang in there bro, you ARE making progress. Feel free to ask about any tiny little thing that confuses you. Some signs that they are or are not into you can be easy to miss or misinterpret. I know it's difficult but try to be observant without being outcome-dependent. I think that's that hardest part.
Author 39388 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I'm talking to one woman now and I think I'm being played. With all the threads around here encouraging it, what can I expect? Saying "I'm not a game player but I want mystery and uncertainty" is saying you really are a game player and not admitting it. There seem to be too many hoops to go through before I get to meet her. It's like walking through a minefield. I'm not sure if I should waste my time. Some want to meet immediately and others want to talk for a month and which are which, who knows.
Phateless Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I'm talking to one woman now and I think I'm being played. With all the threads around here encouraging it, what can I expect? Saying "I'm not a game player but I want mystery and uncertainty" is saying you really are a game player and not admitting it. There seem to be too many hoops to go through before I get to meet her. It's like walking through a minefield. I'm not sure if I should waste my time. Some want to meet immediately and others want to talk for a month and which are which, who knows. If you feel like you are being played, cut her off. Don't let yourself be convinced that you are desperate enough to put up with that crap. Perhaps she's just defensive because she's been hurt? I don't know. If she's not willing to be straight with you and communicate she won't be worth the trouble one way or the other. NEXT!
lucy9216 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I have just started the whole online thing myself and I had sent out a few emails but no responses. (the top of my headline is single mommy though haha... if they don't like it they can move on) Anywhoo I was a little frustrated about it until one day I saw someone on there that seemed interesting and I noticed he was into classic cars, so I sent him a message about the 49 mercury I used to have and told him I that I look forward to hearing from him, ya know something along those lines. The very next day I heard back from him I think the mercury really sparked an interest with him and we are going to meet tomorrow. So ya find something similar in her profile and show your interest in that as well. It shows you actually read their profile and are interested in what they are too.
Author 39388 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 If you feel like you are being played, cut her off. Don't let yourself be convinced that you are desperate enough to put up with that crap. Perhaps she's just defensive because she's been hurt? I don't know. I'm having trouble again and again with the what are you doing this weekend question. Nothing where friends are involved is the usual truthful answer. Worse will be questions about my past relationships that I expect should I even make it past the first date. It's hard not to be stressed out with a woman when I know at any time she can ask me my dating history or what was my last relationship like. I don't want to mention no relationshoips in 35 years. Sometimes I wonder if I should make up an elaborate web of lies. I'd almost certainly get caught, but it might buy me a few more dates. If I wansn't caught I'd admit it after a little while anyway. Is it worth it?
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 After a year online, I have disabled all of my profiles. I was getting too exhausted replying to messages that had little content... "Wot R U doin?" And from kids looking for cougars... "But I'm turned on by mature women!" I would much rather be alone and not stress about trying to find someone. For the time being (despite being extremely bodacious and sensual), I'll continue my celibate ways.
Phateless Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm having trouble again and again with the what are you doing this weekend question. Nothing where friends are involved is the usual truthful answer. Worse will be questions about my past relationships that I expect should I even make it past the first date. It's hard not to be stressed out with a woman when I know at any time she can ask me my dating history or what was my last relationship like. I don't want to mention no relationships in 35 years. Sometimes I wonder if I should make up an elaborate web of lies. I'd almost certainly get caught, but it might buy me a few more dates. If I wansn't caught I'd admit it after a little while anyway. Is it worth it? You're assuming that she'll think you're weird or a loser if you have no plans. She might not. See my earlier post about relaying your plans for a mellow weekend? You are NOT a loser if you don't have plans for the weekend. You could say "was planning on going for a hike over at _____. Are you a hiker? Think you could keep up with me? :)" I completely understand your nervousness around this, it's a tough situation. There are 3 different ways you could handle the dating history. 1. Honesty - Own up to it and don't be afraid - "Actually I've never had a relationship. I was always too shy but I'm finally taking action to change that and I'm proud of myself." 2. Misdirect with a joke - "Oh you know, Lindsay Lohan is getting over it. I never meant to hurt her. :p" 3. Lie - "Was in an off and on relationship through college, just kinda dated around since then. Haven't really felt good about looking for the real thing again until now. I don't really like talking about it to tell you the truth, I like moving forward. :)" My advice would be to try each and see what fits you. Personally I've never been a fan of lying but a little bit of "spin" or "padding" can help you get your foot in the door at times. I think for now the most important thing is to get familiar with the process and not worry about the outcome.
Author 39388 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 You're assuming that she'll think you're weird or a loser if you have no plans. She might not. See my earlier post about relaying your plans for a mellow weekend? You are NOT a loser if you don't have plans for the weekend. You could say "was planning on going for a hike over at _____. Are you a hiker? Think you could keep up with me? :)" I completely understand your nervousness around this, it's a tough situation. There are 3 different ways you could handle the dating history. 1. Honesty - Own up to it and don't be afraid - "Actually I've never had a relationship. I was always too shy but I'm finally taking action to change that and I'm proud of myself." 2. Misdirect with a joke - "Oh you know, Lindsay Lohan is getting over it. I never meant to hurt her. :p" 3. Lie - "Was in an off and on relationship through college, just kinda dated around since then. Haven't really felt good about looking for the real thing again until now. I don't really like talking about it to tell you the truth, I like moving forward. :)" My advice would be to try each and see what fits you. Personally I've never been a fan of lying but a little bit of "spin" or "padding" can help you get your foot in the door at times. I think for now the most important thing is to get familiar with the process and not worry about the outcome. I know you don't think I'm a loser for not having plans for the weekend with others, but EVERY woman I've talked to for very long or dated have said or implied this is important. How about contact women where I don't meet their exact characteristics? For example, I can message a woman who wants her man physically strong. I may be working out, but I don't even resemble physically strong. I think I'll try that. I'm NOT going to lie about anything. Nothing else has worked and this could be ineteresting. There might be less pressure on me. I can be happy about everything in the world, but the moment I think of dating I can get so angry.
D-Lish Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 "Was in an off and on relationship through college, just kinda dated around since then. Haven't really felt good about looking for the real thing again until now. I don't really like talking about it to tell you the truth, I like moving forward. :)" I like this way of explaining your dating history. You don't owe anyone a complete detailed log of past dating details anyway. And this way of explaining your history isn't lying anyway- you HAVE been on dates. I just think that by saying you've never had a relationship up until this point, you'll send a woman into a tailspin thinking about why you haven't- instead of her focusing on all the positive reasons to date you. You want to keep things focused on all the positives initially. SO, you don't have to lie- and I love how Phateless worded this... Chin up hun- and keep at it, don't give up.
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 I know you don't think I'm a loser for not having plans for the weekend with others, but EVERY woman I've talked to for very long or dated have said or implied this is important. How about contact women where I don't meet their exact characteristics? For example, I can message a woman who wants her man physically strong. I may be working out, but I don't even resemble physically strong. I think I'll try that. I'm NOT going to lie about anything. Nothing else has worked and this could be ineteresting. There might be less pressure on me. I can be happy about everything in the world, but the moment I think of dating I can get so angry. I hear what you're saying, and it can be very frustrating and nerve wracking. I totally understand that part. It's rough. Not every woman though. It's all about how you position it. If you position it as "I'm all alone and have no plans because nobody wants to hang out with me" then you're actually telling them to think you're a loser because you're telling them you think you're a loser. You're subcommunicating it, if that makes sense. If you position it as "This is what I'm doing this weekend and it just so happens to be solitary" they won't think anything of it. You get my drift? Hiding in plain sight, as it were. Yeah, try messaging anyone you're interested in, regardless of their "specifications." You never know. Hang in there bro, there are ups and downs to this.
BobSacamento Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Asking for dating history is so weak. Basically they want to know why your single and assume it's because something is wrong with you. In reality if she's asking she's probably a controlling psycho or she wants to see if you divulge intimate details to a complete stranger. My motto - a gentleman never tells, a lady never asks.
claire0917 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 My motto - a gentleman never tells, a lady never asks. LOL Nice motto
Phateless Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Asking for dating history is so weak. Basically they want to know why your single and assume it's because something is wrong with you. In reality if she's asking she's probably a controlling psycho or she wants to see if you divulge intimate details to a complete stranger. My motto - a gentleman never tells, a lady never asks. I agree. I've been asked in bars, "why are you single?" and I replied with "haha, should I not be?"
Phateless Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 It is clear what people want. Big muscles, relationship experience, fancy cars, almost no emotion and a a love for dating games. I don't have a lot of muscles, am a 35 year old virgin, don't have a car given that a parking space in my area runs close to 100k, cried at least 11 times due to being alone in January alone and HATE dating games. I can't satisfy any of these things. Why am I wasting my time? I completely understand how you feel, and I have most definitely felt the same way at many points in my life. That phase does end, I promise you. You're not wasting your time. You're just catching up a little later on in life than most people. You may not have everything everybody wants but you do have a lot to offer, and you can make distinct and steady progress toward becoming more attractive to other people. Just be patient and focus on making progress daily. Don't let the learning curve stop you. You will get there eventually.
ruggy Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I tend to agree with 39388 in regard to online dating now. Its a waste of time. All the power and control is tipped to the women. For them its like shoot fish in a barrel. Meeting women whom see two or three dudes a week is hard to compete with. Seems that dating has now become something of a conveyor belt for them to pick and choose. And in the end, you know what they say, where are all the good, decent gentlemen? It may work for some, but it fails for most. Glad I'm done with it. The real world seems better. More equal playing field. You can size someone up in person rather than a profile an some pics. 39388, seriously, meet up with some people from meetup.com. There are plenty of singles get togethers. At least the potential women can see you in person and not online. See you for who you really are.
Art_Critic Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 It is clear what people want. Big muscles, relationship experience, fancy cars, almost no emotion and a a love for dating games. I don't have a lot of muscles, am a 35 year old virgin, don't have a car given that a parking space in my area runs close to 100k, cried at least 11 times due to being alone in January alone and HATE dating games. I can't satisfy any of these things. Why am I wasting my time? dude.. you don't want a woman that wants her man to have muscles or fancy cars or no emotions, that type of woman isn't worthy of having around and would only end in disaster anyhow as relationships are built on and much more than just superficial crap. Dating is a numbers game.. keep repeating that to yourself becuase that only way you will find someone is keep putting yourself out there, keep going on those dates.. even if they end in what you or they might consider disaster that keeps you in tune to dating.. you can get rusty.. As far as online dating being a waste of time.. Well.. I'm one of those success stories for online dating.. I met my wife on Match and even before I met her I was able to use Match to meet women and have successful meaningful relationships with them.. Online dating is all about how you present yourself and by the sounds of it you have some self esteem issues.. have you tried doing something or picking up a hobby that could make you feel great about yourself ? I love woodworking and building things..If I was in a down period in my life with my self esteem I would sink myself in those hobbies that makes myself feel good and I would bounce back.. Everybody goes thru some of what you are going thru.. the trick is that YOU have to figure out how to get yourself out of it and saying you are weak or don't have a car isn't gonna do it.. put more effort into yourself than that.. How about a clothing change ?.. How you dress can change the way you feel about yourself..
Phateless Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 ruggy I've read some of your threads and you have some of the same frustrations as I do. You have one big advantage over me in the real world. Women clearly like a strong man and you do have that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189460/ I could only do your routine with about a 1/3 of the weight. It's probably more that I'll weak than you being strong though. Women don't like weakness. There's a whole recent thread about that. Do you really think approcaching a woman IRL would work when I'm not fit at all? I've had 4 dates, all of them asking me about something about my relationship history. I've never been close to a 2nd date and some were downright cruel about it. Right now, I don't like who I really am. So you work on it. I think your main obstacle is how you feel about yourself and how you present yourself. CONFIDENCE is important. You have to own who you are. Continue to work out, you will get there. It can easily take a year in the gym to make significant progress, but you have to keep it up. As for dating history, see my earlier post about what to say. Just say it to move past the question for now. Just force yourself to keep moving forward. You will get through this. You are not doing yourself any favors by succumbing to fear. I know it's hard, I know it sucks, I know it seems hopeless. It's not. Just keep pushing! Originally Posted by Phateless "Was in an off and on relationship through college, just kinda dated around since then. Haven't really felt good about looking for the real thing again until now. I don't really like talking about it to tell you the truth, I like moving forward. :)"
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