Author 39388 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Yea, well, with O.D. I am still striking out on the e-mails. Sent well over 150 and not one bite. Here is the e-mail I use. Is it that bad? "I came across your profile and just want to tell you what a pleasure it was to read, not to mention the fact that you look amazing in those pics. Anyways, check out my profile and find that it interests you, then I'd love to hear back from you." This sounds very generic, maybe even more so than some of the prepackaged flirts some websites use. I'm being somewhat picky about who I contact. Some of them I send an automated flirt to, since it only takes seconds. Others I write an email, which takes much longer, based on some of the suggestions in this thread. I still need work in putting together a nice attention grabbing unique email. I've never mentioned physical appearance once in the initial contact and I really don't know if it would help or hurt. I'm not yet sure whether it makes a difference. The last two that responded surprisingly were responses to flirts. This stuff is so tricky since each woman is different.
Author 39388 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 You have to be memorable, but not in a creepy way. I only respond to guys that seem like they are actually bothering to read my profile, rather than just randomly messaging any female who happens to show up on the site. I mean, I've had guys that don't bother even changing the subject line from "Insert subject line here." Don't mention chatting in your first message to them. If they want to chat with you, they will. Otherwise, it just sounds like you want to see them naked on a webcam. Specifically mention what intrigues you. If nothing intrigues you apart from them being a female, don't bother writing them!! I had one guy contact me that I absolutely MUST write back, because he was so specific and interested in something I had in my profile. The fact that he brought it up was cool. If there's something I list as a strong turn-off and your username or profile indicates that you're really into it, I probably won't bother. For example, NascarLvr33 will probably not get a response from me because I mention how loathsome it is to me, and it feels like you didn't bother paying attention even during the most basic introduction. And remember that woman are probably getting a lot more mail than men on these sites, so it leads to this imbalanced situation where we can afford to be very picky about who we write back. Sorry, but there it is... This is great advice. WHat do do after awhile is what is hard. I don't know how to get from online emails to a date. The phone, especially when to call and what to do if they aren't there when I do call, seems to be where things go wrong for me. I can't ask them on a date if I can't reach them.
ruggy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Someone recommended that so I do not mention anything direct or such. Before that, I used to mention specific things in the profile, still received nothing back. I heard the winks on Match do not work either. Only for women to men, not men to women.
Intricategirl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 This is great advice. WHat do do after awhile is what is hard. I don't know how to get from online emails to a date. The phone, especially when to call and what to do if they aren't there when I do call, seems to be where things go wrong for me. I can't ask them on a date if I can't reach them. Set it up in the chat. I mean, that's how you met. There's no way I'm giving a guy I met on the internet my phone number without having a really good feel for him already (or a way to block his calls). Always suggest a public place, and coffee is good for a first date. Ruggy, ALWAYS mention something specific. I don't want to feel like I'm interchangeable with any other girl on the site.
Author 39388 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Set it up in the chat. I mean, that's how you met. There's no way I'm giving a guy I met on the internet my phone number without having a really good feel for him already (or a way to block his calls). Always suggest a public place, and coffee is good for a first date. Are you saying it is appropriate to ask a woman out over email? I was under the impression most women want to be asked out directly by voice. Some women have given phone numbers and we even talk about when to call. When I call then, it is very unlikely they answer or return my message. One way or another I want to get to that face to face metting. I definitely agree with the public place.
Phateless Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Yea, well, with O.D. I am still striking out on the e-mails. Sent well over 150 and not one bite. Here is the e-mail I use. Is it that bad? "I came across your profile and just want to tell you what a pleasure it was to read, not to mention the fact that you look amazing in those pics. Anyways, check out my profile and find that it interests you, then I'd love to hear back from you." It's boring. It sounds like an instant responder from your cable television provider. She wants to hear that you like something special about her character. EVERY GUY ON THE PLANET compliments her looks. Read her profile, what's unique about her? Is there something specific about her you like? That's like a girl saying she likes you because of the car you drive instead of for who you are.
ruggy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 In an e-mail, ask if she would like to chat over IM or telephone sometime. Just cut to the chase.
ruggy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 It's boring. It sounds like an instant responder from your cable television provider. She wants to hear that you like something special about her character. EVERY GUY ON THE PLANET compliments her looks. Read her profile, what's unique about her? Is there something specific about her you like? That's like a girl saying she likes you because of the car you drive instead of for who you are. But it is a really nice car though..
Phateless Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Are you saying it is appropriate to ask a woman out over email? I was under the impression most women want to be asked out directly by voice. Some women have given phone numbers and we even talk about when to call. When I call then, it is very unlikely they answer or return my message. One way or another I want to get to that face to face meeting. I definitely agree with the public place. You can plant the seed for a good date idea through email but don't actually make the date over email. It's a progression, and winks are good because they are non-threatening. It's just a simple ping. If she pings back, keep on moving through the progression. Everyone has a different pace. 1. wink 2. short emails exchanging witty banter, funny stories or some kind of commonality "you like dredg too? nice! not many girls have heard of that band. :)" 3. email gradually grow in length and start to get flirty 4. the interaction is moved to messenger "hey what's your aim/yahoo/msn, these emails are getting long, lol" 5. gradually talk more often over aim, you start to connect and bond a bit 6. eventually move to phone - this is where you really get a sense of if you'll be compatible. spend some time, get to know each other, bond a bit 7. schedule a first meet-up. depending on the calls it could be anything from coffee to drinks to a hike, to whatever else you can think of that you two might enjoy together.
Phateless Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 But it is a really nice car though.. Or if she only likes you because you're buying her stuff. Would that feel good to you? Did you ever have a friend when you were little who only hung out with you to play with your toys? It feels kinda like that. In an e-mail, ask if she would like to chat over IM or telephone sometime. Just cut to the chase. Nope. That's like walking into BestBuy and the first out of the guy's mouth is "Would you like to buy this tv?" When you haven't even told him if you're looking for a tv or a dishwasher. You have to get to know people first, otherwise what reason do they have for investing the time with you?
Phateless Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I have tried both. So far no responses at all to personalized emails, but I have gotten responses to flirts which have led to back and forth messages. Maybe a coincidence since the sample is small? The very hard part is getting the phone numbers and deciding when to call and getting through the phone games woman have played multiple times with me. I can't seem to call when they are there and usually end up leaving a message which is not returned. Why act excited about wanting me to call? I don't get it. I think flirts are a good first step. Personalized emails are good but don't overdo it on the first email. The first couple of emails should be short but grab her attention. She'll be getting inundated so she might not have the patience to read an essay.
bean1 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Yea, well, with O.D. I am still striking out on the e-mails. Sent well over 150 and not one bite. Here is the e-mail I use. Is it that bad? "I came across your profile and just want to tell you what a pleasure it was to read, not to mention the fact that you look amazing in those pics. Anyways, check out my profile and find that it interests you, then I'd love to hear back from you." Like I said earlier, I met my now long-term SO on the internet (Lavalife) so I'll just throw out my opinion from the girl's perspective. I would delete your email if that is what you sent, sorry. The reasons are because (a) it is obvious that you send it as a mass email (b) you probably haven't even read my profile (even if you did, how would I know? You didn't mention anything in it, same goes for the picture), and © what do we have in common? Again, you didn't mention. I'm a decent looking girl (not a model but I keep fit) and am pretty active, so I got a good 10-30 emails a day. You need to stand out. * You don't need to make a comment on the picture. I would recommend you don't at all. Girls get enough pervert emails from random people, it is refreshing to hear from a guy that isn't focused on it. I know it is hard for men. My SO has told me the stories from his 2 year disappointing streak in online dating. It's unfortunate, but I suppose that's the way it goes. You wouldn't go up to a girl at a bar, tell her all about yourself, and then hand her your number and say "call me if you are interested" (Ok, some might!), you would ask her about herself and her interests, then suggest another meeting. Give the personalized emails more of a chance, it may take time. My SO went through 2 years of that before he met me. Yikes!! Make sure to chat with girls outside OLD too. It will eventually happen.
Phateless Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Like I said earlier, I met my now long-term SO on the internet (Lavalife) so I'll just throw out my opinion from the girl's perspective. I would delete your email if that is what you sent, sorry. The reasons are because (a) it is obvious that you send it as a mass email (b) you probably haven't even read my profile (even if you did, how would I know? You didn't mention anything in it, same goes for the picture), and © what do we have in common? Again, you didn't mention. I'm a decent looking girl (not a model but I keep fit) and am pretty active, so I got a good 10-30 emails a day. You need to stand out. I know it is hard for men. My SO has told me the stories from his 2 year disappointing streak in online dating. It's unfortunate, but I suppose that's the way it goes. You wouldn't go up to a girl at a bar, tell her all about yourself, and then hand her your number and say "call me if you are interested" (Ok, some might!), you would ask her about herself and her interests, then suggest another meeting. Give the personalized emails more of a chance, it may take time. My SO went through 2 years of that before he met me. Yikes!! Make sure to chat with girls outside OLD too. It will eventually happen. Yes! If you're the one messaging her it's on you to grab her interest.
Author 39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I'm a decent looking girl (not a model but I keep fit) and am pretty active, so I got a good 10-30 emails a day. You need to stand out. I know it is hard for men. My SO has told me the stories from his 2 year disappointing streak in online dating. It's unfortunate, but I suppose that's the way it goes. You wouldn't go up to a girl at a bar, tell her all about yourself, and then hand her your number and say "call me if you are interested" (Ok, some might!), you would ask her about herself and her interests, then suggest another meeting. I just don't know how to go up aginst those odds. Add to that being scared of the f***ing phone and not knowing what it feels like to kiss a woman and I'm in trouble.
BobSacamento Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Jesus Christ, not true! Maybe "into you" is the wrong phrase. I meant merely that she interested in conversing with you. I know for me there's plenty of women who turn me off just from their profile/picture.
Confusedalways Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I finally got a profile on okcupid a couple months ago. I, too, get about 10-30 new emails a day. Thing is, I reply to all of them. Is that a bad idea? I just feel really bad not answering someone. If it's a canned email, I just respond with thank you, or however appropriately. I don't generally ask questions back, but I do answer. Should I NOT answer people who I'm not at all interested in? One person I didn't think I was interested in turned out being really cool, which is why I hesitate to do that. We did go out but nothing came of it. I kinda knew he wasn't my type but tried to go out of my comfort zone. The emails I'm most interested in talk to me about SPECIFIC things in my profile, tell me about their experiences, and ask questions. One guy even went as far as saying "I'm trying to think of something witty to do with the picture of you @ ____ . I toyed around with it for awhile and I really have nothing." Then he added a lot about how many times he backspaced and layed his tohughts on the line. The email itself REALLY caught my attention, since it was so different, but he wasn't really attractive.
BobSacamento Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I just don't know how to go up aginst those odds. Add to that being scared of the f***ing phone and not knowing what it feels like to kiss a woman and I'm in trouble. Dude. You can't be like that. You have to have confidence. You almost have to convince yourself that that stuff doesn't matter or convince her that you do this stuff everyday. She'll eat it up. Whether or not you've ever kissed a girl will not be brought up. Unless she's weird. So don't bring it up. Just make your goal to get that first kiss. Once it's done you'll know if you pulled it off. If she returns your calls, your golden. It's really that simple.
Confusedalways Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Agreed with Bob. "Fake it til you make it." And.. to reiterate.. DON'T bring up the no kissing thing.
NopeNah Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I just don't know how to go up aginst those odds. Add to that being scared of the f***ing phone and not knowing what it feels like to kiss a woman and I'm in trouble. I'm mean ZERO offense by this, please don't take it that way...but, you've never kissed a woman? I mean no offense... i clearly don't know your age,ect.. please know, i'm not trying to offend you by any means..
NopeNah Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I finally got a profile on okcupid a couple months ago. I, too, get about 10-30 new emails a day. Thing is, I reply to all of them. Is that a bad idea? I just feel really bad not answering someone. If it's a canned email, I just respond with thank you, or however appropriately. I don't generally ask questions back, but I do answer. Should I NOT answer people who I'm not at all interested in? One person I didn't think I was interested in turned out being really cool, which is why I hesitate to do that. We did go out but nothing came of it. I kinda knew he wasn't my type but tried to go out of my comfort zone. The emails I'm most interested in talk to me about SPECIFIC things in my profile, tell me about their experiences, and ask questions. One guy even went as far as saying "I'm trying to think of something witty to do with the picture of you @ ____ . I toyed around with it for awhile and I really have nothing." Then he added a lot about how many times he backspaced and layed his tohughts on the line. The email itself REALLY caught my attention, since it was so different, but he wasn't really attractive. personaly..i'd say what's the worst that can happen from responding to them all? Some nasty pics? Worst case scenario? You meet some good friends..or some funny freaks!!haha! I've not done the online thing "myself". After my breakup my buddy set me an account up and I keep getting those damn "flirts" but, have yet to respond.. I do "OK" IRL dating situations. So, I see no need to hop into this just yet, not that anythings wrong with it. I have some close friends that are now married thru these type things and are doing great..Kids the whole sha-bang!! good for them! I'm just not 100% over my ex and don't want to put that "baggage" on anyone but myself at the moment..goodluck to you all in finding that special someone that IS out there for you!
BobSacamento Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 personaly..i'd say what's the worst that can happen from responding to them all? Some nasty pics? Worst case scenario? You meet some good friends..or some funny freaks!!haha! I've not done the online thing "myself". After my breakup my buddy set me an account up and I keep getting those damn "flirts" but, have yet to respond.. I do "OK" IRL dating situations. So, I see no need to hop into this just yet, not that anythings wrong with it. I have some close friends that are now married thru these type things and are doing great..Kids the whole sha-bang!! good for them! I'm just not 100% over my ex and don't want to put that "baggage" on anyone but myself at the moment..goodluck to you all in finding that special someone that IS out there for you! Well a response of "Your are not my type." or "Your too far away." is fine I guess. But if you have zero interest, a delete is the only thing necessary. If you respond to everyone I just think that opens you up to a lot of psychos. So beware.
Author 39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I'm mean ZERO offense by this, please don't take it that way...but, you've never kissed a woman? I mean no offense... i clearly don't know your age,ect.. please know, i'm not trying to offend you by any means.. That's how a lot of people react. They just don't know what to say. Some just laugh. Some think I'm lying, but I'm not. 35 years old. Why? My confidence was zero for many years and I let negative statements get to me to an extreme degree. People convinced me I'd never have a chance with any woman. I'm having to learn things that I should have learned 20 years back and much of it is very stressful.
Author 39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Dude. You can't be like that. You have to have confidence. You almost have to convince yourself that that stuff doesn't matter or convince her that you do this stuff everyday. She'll eat it up. Whether or not you've ever kissed a girl will not be brought up. Unless she's weird. So don't bring it up. Just make your goal to get that first kiss. Once it's done you'll know if you pulled it off. If she returns your calls, your golden. It's really that simple. It's like convincing someone I know how to be the CEO of some specialized company when I never managed anyone or even heard about the product. I'm shooting in the dark. I wanted to be calm and collected when I talked to the woman on the phone a few days ago, but I just wasn't. I sounded so desperate. You're right. Once it's done, I'll know I've pulled it off. I can't know for sure, but if I know she enjoys it, it will be a an almost overwhelming experience for me.
Author 39388 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Well a response of "Your are not my type." or "Your too far away." is fine I guess. But if you have zero interest, a delete is the only thing necessary. If you respond to everyone I just think that opens you up to a lot of psychos. So beware. I don't even respond to everything and I don't get many. I've had several emails from crazy women in different states who only want sex or so they say. Some are likely fake profiles.
NopeNah Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Well a response of "Your are not my type." or "Your too far away." is fine I guess. But if you have zero interest, a delete is the only thing necessary. If you respond to everyone I just think that opens you up to a lot of psychos. So beware. I can see how that would be an issue.. like I said, I've never done this before till my boy put me up there, without my knowledge..but, those things can be said at a bar, coffee shop, or club..thats part of putting yourself out there. In my expierience for every one that say's no, there's 5 more in the same spot that'll say yes! Get out there and GET IT!!
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