39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 When I see a woman I feel might be a good match for me, I seem to be freezing up on how to send her a message within the dating site. There is of course no way to know whether she is interested unless I ask. What kind of messages do women prefer? I know to list some interesting things I see in her profile, but how long should the message be? Should I try and be funny in the message and is there anything I should avoid saying? How should I end the message? I'm in my mid 30s, but am inexperienced when it comes to dating.
Isolde Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I feel like it's better to focus on dating IRL and use online as a backup, this way you also won't be pinning all your hopes on online so you'll be more relaxed as to how you go about it. Just go with your gut. The only thing that is a universal turnoff is emails that are way too long and formulaic emails that look like they were sent to everyone on the site.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 When I see a woman I feel might be a good match for me, I seem to be freezing up on how to send her a message within the dating site. There is of course no way to know whether she is interested unless I ask. What kind of messages do women prefer? I know to list some interesting things I see in her profile, but how long should the message be? Should I try and be funny in the message and is there anything I should avoid saying? How should I end the message? I'm in my mid 30s, but am inexperienced when it comes to dating. I know what you mean 39388 Ive been having the same thing I never know quite what to send in that 1st contact email. I have a good/fun sense of humor but I don't want to come off as cheesy dose your site have free winks/smiles so on? I usually go with one of them 1st just to establish the guys mutual interest a nice light one something like (I like your smile would you like to chat?) If I get a response then I email I keep it simple friendly my 1st name my general location basic important things. I say that I found there profile interesting and would they like to chat some time. Then I add it off with a nice comment like I look forward to hearing back from you and have a great day or something along those lines and a smiley face I know little Corny but thats just me lol... I think on line dating is a great way to meet new people but only neg thing is you have weed out some um ''interesting'' ones 1st lol...
BobSacamento Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I have a hunch that the initial contact mail will not make or break you. So don't not send one because you fear you might screw it up for yourself. Odds are she's already decided whether she's into you just from your profile/picture, she's just waiting on the contact. I'd say don't go too long, make it personal to them and most of all - ask questions.
Author 39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I feel like it's better to focus on dating IRL and use online as a backup, this way you also won't be pinning all your hopes on online so you'll be more relaxed as to how you go about it. Just go with your gut. The only thing that is a universal turnoff is emails that are way too long and formulaic emails that look like they were sent to everyone on the site. Yeah, I really need to add dating IRL. I plan on joining some groups with common interests this summer. Hopefully that will help.
Author 39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I have a hunch that the initial contact mail will not make or break you. So don't not send one because you fear you might screw it up for yourself. Odds are she's already decided whether she's into you just from your profile/picture, she's just waiting on the contact. I'd say don't go too long, make it personal to them and most of all - ask questions. I didn't think of asking questions. I don't think I want to ask anything too deep in the first contact, but maybe a few basic things.
BobSacamento Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I didn't think of asking questions. I don't think I want to ask anything too deep in the first contact, but maybe a few basic things. Yeah, like what she likes to do on the weekends, what music she's into, etc. I just think of the times I get mails with no questions and it can be brutal. It makes it a lot easier.
Author 39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I know what you mean 39388 Ive been having the same thing I never know quite what to send in that 1st contact email. I have a good/fun sense of humor but I don't want to come off as cheesy dose your site have free winks/smiles so on? I usually go with one of them 1st just to establish the guys mutual interest a nice light one something like (I like your smile would you like to chat?) If I get a response then I email I keep it simple friendly my 1st name my general location basic important things. I say that I found there profile interesting and would they like to chat some time. Then I add it off with a nice comment like I look forward to hearing back from you and have a great day or something along those lines and a smiley face I know little Corny but thats just me lol... I think on line dating is a great way to meet new people but only neg thing is you have weed out some um ''interesting'' ones 1st lol... Yeah, I've gotten some people email me on the dating site that I would never trust. It is all about finding the good ones, but they have to want you too! It may take some time.
yeex Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Don't waste your time with that wink stuff or whatever. That is for sissies, or maybe a woman showing interest in a man. Anyways, I keep the first email basic with a question related to their profile. I usually keep the first email short like two or three sentences that ends with an open question. If they are interested, they will respond. If no response, then move on. It is not like they are not interested because they did not like your first email if it is a question. They are not interested in your profile. Also since I am sending them an email, it is obvious that I am interested so I never say the cliche "I saw your profile and thought it was interesting" bit. I approach it like I am trying to start a conversation and their profile should have plenty of stuff to start a conversation with. If they respond to more than one email, then they are interested and I start planning on when I should ask them out. I always try to get the date by the second week and a few email exchanges so I know I am not wasting my time. Actually I have just started the online dating thing within the last year or so. I had met 4 girls and I was not interested in meeting again with any of them and was growing quite skeptical of the online thing. However, I met up with a girl just last week from online and it turned out well. We are going out again this week. We'll see how it goes. Good luck.
Author 39388 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 It sounds like try to say different from the standard response. Maybe I should mention some things we have in common. There is no one that has 100% or even really close to it and I find myself thinking that something might eliminate me, but it's impossible to know what.
donnamaybe Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 If something "eliminates you" it must be something pretty important to the gal anyway. Don't let that worry you. There are LOTS of gals who could be a good fit for you! Just talk to them like you talk to me!! You have always shown me respect in your PM's, and you also let your sense of humor show, which is a good thing. Just keep it light and fun and BE YOURSELF!
Author 39388 Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 If something "eliminates you" it must be something pretty important to the gal anyway. Don't let that worry you. There are LOTS of gals who could be a good fit for you! Just talk to them like you talk to me!! You have always shown me respect in your PM's, and you also let your sense of humor show, which is a good thing. Just keep it light and fun and BE YOURSELF! Thanks! Now I just need to take the risk and do it. I know I have it in me. I'll post tomorrow how I do.
Phateless Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 When I see a woman I feel might be a good match for me, I seem to be freezing up on how to send her a message within the dating site. There is of course no way to know whether she is interested unless I ask. What kind of messages do women prefer? I know to list some interesting things I see in her profile, but how long should the message be? Should I try and be funny in the message and is there anything I should avoid saying? How should I end the message? I'm in my mid 30s, but am inexperienced when it comes to dating. Just read the whole profile and look for something that sparks your interest, then make a comment on it, or start a conversation. Be friendly and informal. Maybe she likes jazz? "Hey, it's not often I find a girl that likes the same music I do. What kind of jazz do you like? I saw a live band at swing dancing the other night, hella fun..." Btw, online dating and online flirting is GREAT practice for real life. That's how I got good at it. Basically the first message is trying to get her attention and establish some kind of fun momentum. Your main goal is to be fun to talk to, not a comparison shopper. Make sense? My gf's intro said she was into music, reading, movies, etc. I went direct and said something along the lines of, "Hey girlie, music reading and movies all turn me on. I bet you can't guess my all-time favorite movie from what you see in my profile?" It's fun, playful, establishes rapport and commonality, but not trying too hard or coming on too strong.
Author 39388 Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 I've emailed several women. No response back from any. Maybe I need to email a large number to get a response or maybe my emails need work?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I've emailed several women. No response back from any. Maybe I need to email a large number to get a response or maybe my emails need work? If your talking about just on line dating 39388 its just hit or miss I think I'm a female and am having the same thing. I send out lots of winks/smiles and nothing back if I send out 20 I'm Lucky to get back 2 so don't feel bad. I got a email from some one today who I had crossed off the list all together figured he wasn't interested so who knows with on line dating. I'm learning its so fickle so I wouldn't take it personally just keep sending those emails if its ment to be it will
Phateless Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 I've emailed several women. No response back from any. Maybe I need to email a large number to get a response or maybe my emails need work? You could post one if you feel comfortable? The feedback from the women here might help.
yeex Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 Yes with online dating, it seems to be random. I signed up at okcupid which is a free service, and actually the first email I sent got answered and we interacted for like a week and then went on a date. I did not feel chemistry with that girl even though the conversations were great. I thought the online thing was going to be easy since I got a date out of my first try. Then I did not get any responses for like 10 emails except for maybe one who replied to one of my messages but then not to any others. Then about the time I was getting frustrated and wondering what was wrong with me, another answered and we interacted for a week and then met up. It was pretty good. Still seeing how that may pan out. My stats so far are: 11 emails sent. 2 responses that turned into dates. Have not fallen in love. I definitely would not rely just on online dating but it is a good start. I wonder if the paid sites offer anything else more than the free ones like okcupid. I figured if I am going to get rejected online, it might as well be for free:laugh:
EmperorR Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 What's funny women always message me and the ones I do metion never reply sigh lol
Phateless Posted April 25, 2009 Posted April 25, 2009 It's kinda like cold-calling - it's all a numbers game. Just don't take it personally. Message 25, get 5 replies, and one date. Every 3 or 4 dates you'll probably get a kiss. Eventually, you'll meet somebody so cool that you'll find yourself forgetting to reply to the messages in your inbox on the dating site.
Author 39388 Posted April 25, 2009 Author Posted April 25, 2009 You could post one if you feel comfortable? The feedback from the women here might help. I may at some point. I'm having some trouble making a good email, but some of it may be I just need to practice more. You and others have given me good ideas, but actually executing them when each woman is so different is quite challenging. It's kinda like cold-calling - it's all a numbers game. Just don't take it personally. Message 25, get 5 replies, and one date. Every 3 or 4 dates you'll probably get a kiss. Eventually, you'll meet somebody so cool that you'll find yourself forgetting to reply to the messages in your inbox on the dating site. Yes, and I've never been able to sell anything much very well. This means I have to do a lot of learning. Learn on the job, or I should say learning on the dating websites! The other thing I need to learn is who should I respond to. I do not have 100% or even close in common with anyone. I keep thinking of things like the following as I look at profiles. The whole thing with athletic abilty is very tricky. I'd not consider myself anywhere close to "fit" though I have made progress in the last months, enough that I'm not a "couch potato" anymore. I can't make up for 30 some years of doing virtually niothing. At least half of women say they want this. It's very tricky. She makes a big point of tavelling all over the world and I have not been overseas. Is that too a big difference? She may like different types of music or restaurants than I do. Is that too big a difference, or maybe the answer should be how different? When they list their dislikes, it actually helps me a lot. I can either weed them out easily, but if I agree here we very likely have a lot in common. I have not listed my dislikes. Would that be a good idea? I'm afraid of sounding negative if I do.
Phateless Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 I may at some point. I'm having some trouble making a good email, but some of it may be I just need to practice more. You and others have given me good ideas, but actually executing them when each woman is so different is quite challenging. Yes, and I've never been able to sell anything much very well. This means I have to do a lot of learning. Learn on the job, or I should say learning on the dating websites! The other thing I need to learn is who should I respond to. I do not have 100% or even close in common with anyone. I keep thinking of things like the following as I look at profiles. The whole thing with athletic abilty is very tricky. I'd not consider myself anywhere close to "fit" though I have made progress in the last months, enough that I'm not a "couch potato" anymore. I can't make up for 30 some years of doing virtually niothing. At least half of women say they want this. It's very tricky. She makes a big point of tavelling all over the world and I have not been overseas. Is that too a big difference? She may like different types of music or restaurants than I do. Is that too big a difference, or maybe the answer should be how different? When they list their dislikes, it actually helps me a lot. I can either weed them out easily, but if I agree here we very likely have a lot in common. I have not listed my dislikes. Would that be a good idea? I'm afraid of sounding negative if I do. Did you read the optimism article? Your outlook on life makes a big difference. You've made big progress in fitness, that means you're really into fitness so that's something you could do together. Hiking, running, mtn biking, swimming at the beach, going to the gym, can all be great date ideas. Get your ass in shape, btw, it WILL help out with the ladies. Same thing with traveling. If you've never traveled, you can say you would love to find a good travel partner, someone who can keep up for a good adventure. Not so sure about listing dislikes on your profile, I agree that it sounds negative, but if you have a lot in common with someone over hers, you can talk and joke and bond about that. Good luck! Keep plugging away.
Author 39388 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 Did you read the optimism article? Your outlook on life makes a big difference. You've made big progress in fitness, that means you're really into fitness so that's something you could do together. Hiking, running, mtn biking, swimming at the beach, going to the gym, can all be great date ideas. Get your ass in shape, btw, it WILL help out with the ladies. I did read the article and it was very good. My fitness is improving, but I'm not anywhere close to what most people would consider fit. I can hardly do one push up and not many situps and still weigh more than I should. I can't fix many years of neglect overnight. My fitness level may be a negative now, but I'm hoping I can turn it into a positive with enough effort. At least I do work out. The rest of your advice is also great.
tami-chan Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 35 and never had a gf, huh? wow.... I wish you luck in your search and hope you will find one who will take your breath away!
Sprig Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Asking questions is a good start, what person doesn't like to talk about themselves when someone shows interest? Try to ask something more than just the obivous questions. Because everyone and his dog asks the same questions. Take time to read their profile, whatever interests are listed do a little research on them and learn about them. Ask informed questions that show that you're not just some guy sending out cut and paste messages. Another thing is keep it short, big long messages I think show that you are coming on too strong and maybe needy.
Love_Listener Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Online dating doesn't work, its that simple. Most listed members are spam (especially on craigslist) and those who are left are usually just getting an account to see if they find anyone they know using the service. I've literally sent maybe a couple hundred emails with only a few legit replies that lasted only but a few emails at most. I'm not a bad looking guy either but, I've even done it without showing a picture just in case. Try a bookstore! They are great places to meet people. Coffee shops too, to a lesser degree
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