tahitian.rose Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Several months ago, I ran into an acquaintance in a bar. I am in my 20s, single, and lacking an extensive dating history; he is in his forties and married twice. We started hanging out, and one thing lead to another … we have been intimate on several occasions, in person, on-line, and on the phone. When he is having a rough time at home or at work, we share a drink and talk. He tells me his sorrow and his hopes and dreams. He has even shared with me that he used to physically abuse his wife, but he has stopped. I didn’t judge him, because I know he tries, and he’s never treated me poorly. He is a writer, and he has lets me read his unpublished novels. The physical attraction is definitely there, but the emotional and intellectual connections are strong, too. Sometimes, either he or I will pull away for a few weeks, not talk to each other, etc – but we always end up talking again, one way or another. He says I am the one person he can tell anything to. To be honest, he makes me feel beautiful and special, and I love that feeling. I have fantasized about him leaving his wife for me, although I know realistically this will never happen. The other day, he called me and said, “You were my first thought when I woke up this morning. Do you love me?” Then he said, “It’s so hot that I have a 22-year-old who wants to be with me.” I am confused; I know this is so, so, wrong, but why is it that when I am with him, it feels so right?
fooled once Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 It is SOOOO wrong. STOP talking to him. He is MARRIED. You are 22 years old and feeing his ego There is NO future in this. He is using you.' And most importantly, he is MARRIED. Reverse the situation; would you like your spouse to be screwing someone else? You are 22. There has to be other ways to amuse yourself than being in an affair with a married man. WHY would you even do this?
Reggie Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 It is pretty messed up on a number of levels, TR. What do you ethics say about the morality of this? What do your instincts tell you about this man's integrity? What do you think about a married man significantly older cheating on his wife with someone so young? If someone described this situation to you, wouldn't you think the guy is seriously messed up, dishonest and not to be trusted. And, the young woman was foolish and naive? I bet you a year's salary you wind up getting hurt and hurting his wife. Bail out asap.
jj33 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Listen to what he said - its so hot that I have a 22 your old who wants to be with me. That is NOT about you personally. Its a fantasy that many men his age have, that has come to life. I wont even get into the morals of it you didnt come here to be preached to. And you think its ok that he hit his W but he didnt hit you YET? This man has serious problems even if he were single he would be wearing red flags all over himself. Stay away. He picked you because you have poor self esteem - no I dont know you but the fact that you like the fact that he makes you feel beautiful and special says it all. Find ways to work on your self esteem and stay away from him in the meantime.
Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I suggest you get out now before your heart gets to involved. I know the fantasy can override reality. I am almost 5 years in and I hurt often. If only I had ended it with only a few months in, I would be better off. That feeling of being needed and wanted is very intoxicating. I am just offering some friendly advice. M
White Flower Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Several months ago, I ran into an acquaintance in a bar. I am in my 20s, single, and lacking an extensive dating history; he is in his forties and married twice. We started hanging out, and one thing lead to another … we have been intimate on several occasions, in person, on-line, and on the phone. When he is having a rough time at home or at work, we share a drink and talk. He tells me his sorrow and his hopes and dreams. He has even shared with me that he used to physically abuse his wife, but he has stopped. I didn’t judge him, because I know he tries, and he’s never treated me poorly. He is a writer, and he has lets me read his unpublished novels. The physical attraction is definitely there, but the emotional and intellectual connections are strong, too. Sometimes, either he or I will pull away for a few weeks, not talk to each other, etc – but we always end up talking again, one way or another. He says I am the one person he can tell anything to. To be honest, he makes me feel beautiful and special, and I love that feeling. I have fantasized about him leaving his wife for me, although I know realistically this will never happen. The other day, he called me and said, “You were my first thought when I woke up this morning. Do you love me?” Then he said, “It’s so hot that I have a 22-year-old who wants to be with me.” I am confused; I know this is so, so, wrong, but why is it that when I am with him, it feels so right? Welcome Tahitianrose, Wow. Well firstly I can tell you it sounds confusing even for me. One minute he is professing love and the next he is saying he gets off on your age difference. He sounds like a man in need of an ego-fix which is not to say he doesn't love you but...it is what it is. I am concerned about his past history of wife-beating. He has now confessed something to you and if you ever get beat he will always rationalize that you knew what he was and you stayed anyway. We never want to believe that someone we love will pull out those punches later on, but they always do, especially when they fall out of love. Do you really want that potential threat in your life? By the way, he hasn't 'let you' read his unpublished novels. He is an egomaniac who needs constant praise and he forced them on you because he needs the attention. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but try to go back over the conversation in your head and think about how his novels were introduced to you. You might be surprised. Some MM are very smart in obtaining an OW. They share all they can about themselves with you in order for you to become emotionally dependent on them. The more your heart is involved, the more secure the sex is for them. I'm not saying he is even aware of his tactics, but they are working tactics nonetheless. About your question. It probably 'feels right' because you are in love with him. What feels wrong about love? Yet, he is married and this obviously bothers you. How long are you willing to sit with the current situation?
DNU1 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Do yourself a favor and ditch him now. Actually the best thing you can do is tell his wife, then ditch him. She deserves to know what he's been doing. She deserves to know that he has been lying to her, sleeping with you and carrying on an EA/PA with a 22 year old. He's using you. It 'feels right' because he is meeting your key emotional needs -- paying attention to you, making you feel special, appreciating you. And you are meeting emotional needs of him: admiration, affection, sexual fulfillment. Seriously, he should be getting those needs met from his wife. And you should be getting those needs met from an unmarried man who can build an honest, and open relationship with you. Not someone who is going to lie to be with you. Ditch him...
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Be careful what you wish for. If you end up with him, you'll be the third wife to be exposed to abuse, infidelity and divorce. From what you posted, he is a classic narcissist. You will never be worth more to him than the time and effort you put into making sure his needs are met at the expense of yours. I'm sure his two wives know that all too well.
Athena Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Once upon a time he too loved his first wife, and his second wife so much, but then even resorted to physical violence... now you say (?with pride?) that you don't judge him for this.. I see this as stupid of you... you should be Listening intently to what he is telling you... and take note! If he could have done that to a woman he once loved (his W) AND cheated on her too, what is to stop him from acting these ways with YOU? You don't think he acted this seductive with his wives? Of course he did! He made them feel special too... just like he is 'making' you feel... watch out for 'charmers' -- it is NOT a good thing to be with a charmer -- see him as putting a 'charm' on you (like a spell)... this is fake... this is a tool he uses to get what he wants. When he is done with you, he will spit you out... so long as you feed some of his needs he'll keep you around... and if it wasn't you, it would just be some other available and willing woman. You are not getting a good deal here, you are setting yourself up in a heart connection with a Con Man... and you will be hurt. Why stick around for that? Dump him now. At his age of in his forties, his character is deeply entrenched. He isn't going to change -- not for wifey # 1, not for wifey # 2, and certainly not for his side dish -- you. The only thing he 'changes' is the effort he puts into attracting a new woman... he is experienced enough (more so than you) in reading people and apparently 'giving them' what they need... for a short while. It's all an 'act' which he puts on for you, and you are falling for it hook, line, and sinker, as if it were the Real thing -- Love... nope, it's not love, he is using you.
MichelleS1983 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Let's be honest - no one ever accused a 22 year old girl of being a rocket scientist, and this is no exception. You're young, have no real life experience, and think some mouth-breathing, cheating liar drooling on you is a 'relationship.' It's not. The pervert is getting off on some young girlie being his blow up sex toy, and probably bragging to all his middle-aged friends about how he's "bagging" some dumb 22 year old bimbo. You go right ahead and keep those rose-colored glasses on - you're too young to know the difference. Those of us who've been around the block more than once can call this for what it IS - some mid-life crises pervert wanting to dip his wick in the Fountain of Youth (that would be you). Don't be too flattered that this knuckle-dragger has 'chosen' you to be his playtoy - because it has NOTHING to do with love. When you're a little older and wiser, you'll understand that.
quankanne Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 TR, I don't doubt that what you're feeling is genuine, but feelings aside, what exactly do you expect to come from this "relationship"? if he's got the balls to say, “It’s so hot that I have a 22-year-old who wants to be with me," to your face, what exactly is it do you think HE expects from this relationship? I can guarantee you, it ain't a wedding ring. if this guy were interested in anything more than an easy lay from an innocent coed (using that term because you're the right age to be considered a coed), I would be VERY surprised. for you, this is unexplored but exciting territory. For him, it's easy pickin's ...
mental_traveller Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 If you want to be beaten, cheated on, and ignored whenever he is with his family, then I think this could be the perfect relationship for you.
Author tahitian.rose Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Thanks for all the replies. I understand what everyone is saying -- basically, that he's using me. To be honest, I have set my mind against seeing him again several times, and yet we always end up talking. I know he is being manipulative, and I can feel myself being manipulated, but I feel powerless to stop it. I will convince myself he is not a good / nice person. Then he will make me feel sorry for him. For example, I tried to break it off about a month ago (I actually stopped taking his calls) and we ended up running into each other in public. He said, "I miss talking to the one person I could tell anything to. I'm really sorry to have lost that. It kind of breaks my heart." :-(
2sure Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 An older MM who wants to cheat looks for a vulnerable single woman who will be flattered by his attention, even though it is limited. A woman who for some reason is not getting the attention she needs from available men. This makes the single woman an easy mark for someone who needs an ego feed. You are vulnerable and he is taking advantage of that. If you honestly feel you cannot take better care of yourself than this - then at least recognize it for what it is.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 For example, I tried to break it off about a month ago (I actually stopped taking his calls) and we ended up running into each other in public. What an amazing coincidence .... Mr. Lucky
Lucky_One Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 For example, I tried to break it off about a month ago (I actually stopped taking his calls) and we ended up running into each other in public. He said, "I miss talking to the one person I could tell anything to. I'm really sorry to have lost that. It kind of breaks my heart." That's probably very true. He surely can't tell anyone else that he is having an affair with a young girl. But I don't think that he was sorry to lose his confidante; he was sorry to lose his ego-stroke.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I completely agree with 2Sure's post above -- you are vulnerable and this MM is taking advantage of this fact. Please, walk away from this train wreck waiting to happen.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 He is a Con man who very quickly figured out your sensitive spot was that 'he could tell you anything' and that is how he wormed his way into your heart to begin with, and that is the SAME angle he is going to use over and over again (hey why not? -- it always works!) with you each time you 'try' break it off with him. I ask you -- What can you do to Ensure that you end things off for good with him?
Author tahitian.rose Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 I just need to stop seeing him. Period. Which is hard, because we live in close proximity, and he frequently comes into the place I work, and he'll start talking to me and I feel powerless. I'm not stupid. While it's thrilling, I can see right through him (even more so after reading the comments here) and the situation. I just need to stick to my decision. And we've actually had this talk before, but he really doesn't respect my feelings about things (nor does he consider how what he does will affect me.)
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I just need to stop seeing him. Period. Which is hard, because we live in close proximity, and he frequently comes into the place I work, and he'll start talking to me and I feel powerless. I'm not stupid. While it's thrilling, I can see right through him (even more so after reading the comments here) and the situation. I just need to stick to my decision. And we've actually had this talk before, but he really doesn't respect my feelings about things (nor does he consider how what he does will affect me.) Oh really? Well, my dear, in THAT case warn him that the next time he doesn't respect your feelings about things and continues to come around you or in your place of work, you will tell his wife about the affair. He will not want this, so will drop you for another affair partner...
jj33 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Athena is giving you good advice. And then make sure you are NEVER alone with him. Remember he has a history of physical abuse. He just hasnt hit you YET.
Athena Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Athena is giving you good advice. And then make sure you are NEVER alone with him. Remember he has a history of physical abuse. He just hasnt hit you YET. Sigh... yes... this is true! Take heed!
quankanne Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I say call his bluff: Whenever he makes longing comments or that he misses you, tell him until he can come to the table with a clean background (i.e., not married AND CAN PROVE IT), you're not interested in what he's peddling. Period.
jj33 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Yes absolutely Quankanne. "Honey I miss you too but until you are divorced, I cant see you or talk to you." And again NEVER EVER ALONE with him. Abusers dont like not getting their way and could turn in the blink of an eye. This is a man who you know has no self control. He physically abused his wife, he cheats... what more do you need to know. I think you should seriously consider counselling. Find out now while you are young what makes you ignore these red flags. Learn the lessons now so that you can find a healthy relationship with a man who is worthy of your love.
Author tahitian.rose Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 Oh really? Well, my dear, in THAT case warn him that the next time he doesn't respect your feelings about things and continues to come around you or in your place of work, you will tell his wife about the affair. He will not want this, so will drop you for another affair partner... I've never made this threat, but he has told me a thousand times, "If you tell my wife, then what will that accomplish? I will be hurt, she will be hurt, you will be hurt." Which is true. He's also said, "The future of my family rests on you keeping quiet." I don't think he would appreciate being threatened this way...
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