mental_traveller Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 If a woman did this to me, I would RUN. It is a laughable excuse. If a man (or a woman) can't find time for a date, then why bother setting it up? Why is it a laughable excuse? I am talking about rescheduling the date, not refusing to see the person again. So let's see, if you had a date with a cop or doctor and they got called out and had to cancel, you'd get mad? Or a lawyer or deal-maker gets a last minute commission worth thousands for one night's work and you think they should pass that up rather than rearranged dinner for a couple of day's time? Or a self-employed person has something urgent crop up or by necessity has irregular and unpredictable hours? They're supposed to prioritise your date over everything else, when you hardly know them and vice versa?
mental_traveller Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 You are giving your word that you will meet someone at a certain place and time. How is that not a promise to do something? Something is only a promise if you say "I promise", ditto with "I give you my word". A normal arrangement is neither a promise nor giving your word, and any reasonable person realises that other more important issues than a dinner date can and do crop up in most people's lives from time to time. Casual social arrangements with strangers are not the same as legal contracts or promises made to a dying relative on their death bed. A true flake would be someone who doesn't even tell you they are cancelling, or turns up 1 hour late with no explanation. As for an explanation, is something important has gone on, the person may not have time to do any more than a 1 or 2 line text. I agree that this guy sounds probably flakey, but there's a chance he was not, and you will now not find out. Also with such an inflexible, pessimistic approach you are at risk of ruling out and putting off genuine guys IMHO.
39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Why is it a laughable excuse? I am talking about rescheduling the date, not refusing to see the person again. So let's see, if you had a date with a cop or doctor and they got called out and had to cancel, you'd get mad? Or a lawyer or deal-maker gets a last minute commission worth thousands for one night's work and you think they should pass that up rather than rearranged dinner for a couple of day's time? Or a self-employed person has something urgent crop up or by necessity has irregular and unpredictable hours? They're supposed to prioritise your date over everything else, when you hardly know them and vice versa? If something very important comes up, things do need to *occasionally* get rescheduled. An 8 word text message without a specific reason was very disrespectful. I can't believe in most lines of work that you can't find an hour or two to schedule a dinner. If he can't do that, he should have let her know that his work is more important than her and will be throughout their relationship. Now if he's someone who has to be on call 24/7, he should warn her in advance. Something is only a promise if you say "I promise", ditto with "I give you my word". A normal arrangement is neither a promise nor giving your word, and any reasonable person realises that other more important issues than a dinner date can and do crop up in most people's lives from time to time. When you make plans with someone, especially a first date, you should be there. You are on your best behavior. Wasting people's time is not something I respect. A lot of people clearly have no problem with it, but both Jersey and I don't like it. Hopefully the next woman I contact on the dating site will have the opinion of Jersey on this. If everyone did, at least one aspect of dating would be much less stressful.
samspade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 So I had this guy from a website I am part of contact me. Anyway, he was good about taking the lead, moving things along, asking for my number and working up to tonight, planning to meet up for dinner. Since this was a first meeting, I suggested to him that we should just met for drinks. That's all I really wanted to do but he was pretty insistant about the dinner and when I made that suggestion said when he drinks, he likes to eat too. So I was like "okay whatever" and just going with the flow, I agreed to dinner. Well today we were to go out and he just cancelled on me via text. WTF. Apologizing and saying he had to reschdule in the message. I really hate cell phones because alot of men think this is a good way to communicate and it's really just the lazy way to communicate. Anyway, he asked me if we could reschdule and I told him not to worry about reschduling and said good-bye. I know things can come up but how many times does this happen then not. He pursued me, asked for my number, asked to go out to dinner, told me he was excited about meeting me and then bails. I was looking forward to tonight. I have not been dating lately and this was the first date I have made since last year. So now I feel doubly discouraged. Good times. I don't get making a date with someone and then blowing them off. Anyone else experience this? You definitely handled it the right way. Had you agreed to reschedule, you would already be showing him that you're willing to put up with this kind of b.s. (cancelling last minute and via text). He should have at least picked up the phone and called to explain himself. So let's see, if you had a date with a cop or doctor and they got called out and had to cancel, you'd get mad? Or a lawyer or deal-maker gets a last minute commission worth thousands for one night's work and you think they should pass that up rather than rearranged dinner for a couple of day's time? Or a self-employed person has something urgent crop up or by necessity has irregular and unpredictable hours? They're supposed to prioritise your date over everything else, when you hardly know them and vice versa? You don't get mad. You just next the person. If he/she has a legit excuse, he/she will call to explain and reschedule with an actual date/time.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 with such an inflexible, pessimistic approach you are at risk of ruling out and putting off genuine guys IMHO. I agree with the pessimism sensed; however, her perceived inflexibility is apparently her boundary. Clarity can provide her with that boundary; pessimism is not necessary nor wanted IMO. In her mind, a date is a date. Yes, it is changeable and, yes, things do happen. She apparently has set a clear boundary as to how those changes and happenings are to be communicated and the guy breached that boundary with his communication style. That's actually a good thing, since such styles are intrinsic to our personalities and remain largely unchanged throughout our lives. My bet is, if the guy had picked up the phone and talked to her and gave her a real reason and apologized for the inconvenience and offered to reschedule, the tone of this thread would have been markedly different. That is not to say that he was wrong; rather incompatible with what she wants. Is what she wants reasonable? Discuss
BobSacamento Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Anyway you put it I can't say cutting of a guy because he texted you to cancel was a good idea. I can understand that you want a guy who doesn't do that but it seems so petty to me.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 So let's see, if you had a date with a cop or doctor and they got called out and had to cancel, you'd get mad? Or a lawyer or deal-maker gets a last minute commission worth thousands for one night's work and you think they should pass that up rather than rearranged dinner for a couple of day's time? I don't understand what these suggestions of pausable excuses to not make a date have to do with my personal situation. This isn't really a matter about things coming up. It's a matter of how he delt with it . And to be honest, I have always been told to judge a man by his actions, not his words. His actions clearly communicated a lack of respect for me. Am I a virtual stranger? Sure. Does that merit treating me with less respect? Certainly not. Something is only a promise if you say "I promise", ditto with "I give you my word". How literally you must live your entire life if you really believe this. Some things are just understood. Saying you are going to do something, whether it is meeting another person, taking out the trash or giving your kids bike riding lessions are all promises that should be followed through on. If you don't think telling someone you are going to do something isn't a promise to them to take you on your word, then I don't know what to tell you but I believe that to be selfish. No one is that literal that they need to say "I promise" and only then it becomes something you should follow up on. Casual social arrangements with strangers are not the same as legal contracts or promises made to a dying relative on their death bed. What do dying relatives have to do with this situation? If if it really was a dying relative, I don't know one person that wouldn't say that was the case and I don't know one person that wouldn't be understand of that. As for an explanation, is something important has gone on, the person may not have time to do any more than a 1 or 2 line text. I agree that this guy sounds probably flakey, but there's a chance he was not, and you will now not find out. Also with such an inflexible, pessimistic approach you are at risk of ruling out and putting off genuine guys IMHO. Of course there is a chance that he is not. But there will be a man out there that will be able to keep his date with me and that guy will win over this one. It's not about being inflexible. It's about being practicable. He could be a genuine guy but there will be other genunie guys that keep their dates.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 There is a theme running in the back of my mind..... All this stuff said, will the otherwise attractive good man who acts as he speaks and is respectful and considerate garner JS's attentions and/or interest? I hope so. I would invite her to take a hard look at her dating history to see if her actions in the past have reflected the words spoken here and, if something has changed, to reflect upon that. Change can be a good thing
EYECANDY000 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Seriously, I texted messaged him hours ago in response to his last text and he hasn't responded. Unless he has a limb that is falling off his body or is growing another head, I'm not going to hold my breath. So reading back on the thread I have a question. Did you text him after he texted you to canceled the date? Because it seems if you are so strong will about your decision and non chalantly brushed him off then you wouldn't have taken the time to listen to his excuses..
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 So reading back on the thread I have a question. Did you text him after he texted you to canceled the date? Because it seems if you are so strong will about your decision and non chalantly brushed him off then you wouldn't have taken the time to listen to his excuses.. Yeap, I texted him after he texted me to cancel. Depends what his excuse would have been to be honest. But it's done so it doesn't matter really. There is a theme running in the back of my mind..... All this stuff said, will the otherwise attractive good man who acts as he speaks and is respectful and considerate garner JS's attentions and/or interest? I hope so. I would invite her to take a hard look at her dating history to see if her actions in the past have reflected the words spoken here and, if something has changed, to reflect upon that. Change can be a good thin You're insinuating that I pick bad boys over good boys and have let them get away with stuff before. Really, life is never as simple as "bad boys" and "good boys". Although I hope to find an honestly good man.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Nope, just asking you to consider your past choices in light of your current perspective and to examine the differences, if any, in how you process it. This is what I did in MC. It was quite revealing
mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 The man could've had something real serious going on in his life and tried to make time for you, but at the last second realized it wouldn't happen. You'll never know for sure why he cancelled the first date. But don't assume he's just wasting your time, he could be very sincere about having to reschedule. As for your not wanting to see him anymore, in my opinion, I think its a bit extreme but its whatever your standards/preferences are. I could understand if it was further down the line, after you two have gotten to know each other and develop feelings for one another, and he blew you off multiple times. But this was your first date, I think the man has a right to reschedule. Overall I think it sucks that you finally landed a date and you're shooting yourself in the foot by kicking him to the curb over a big uncertainty and saying he isn't a good man. To me, if he wasn't a genuinely decent guy, he simply wouldn't have cancelled at all, he would've just stood you up real bad. But then again, its all about preferences. Best of luck to you and yours.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I didn't "finally" land a date. I have not been trying to date for the past year. And when I finally make the effort, I get blown off. Maybe he is a good guy but honestly, there will be other good men that actually show up. Those men will win. And seriously, the argument that a bad guy would have stood me up and not called at all is liking trying to make a case for the lesser of two evils. Reminds me of the old porn argument " well at least he isn't cheating". As if our expectations should be so low to consider these good things. I wonder if the advice I am getting is more based on me as a poster then real advice from some people. If another lady had posted it, I wonder if the advice would have been different. Nope, just asking you to consider your past choices in light of your current perspective and to examine the differences, if any, in how you process it. This is what I did in MC. It was quite revealing Well I actually chose this guy because he is not the typical guy I go out with and was breaking out of my box. I don't know what that tells me.
samspade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Overall I think it sucks that you finally landed a date and you're shooting yourself in the foot by kicking him to the curb over a big uncertainty and saying he isn't a good man. To me, if he wasn't a genuinely decent guy, he simply wouldn't have cancelled at all, he would've just stood you up real bad. But then again, its all about preferences. Best of luck to you and yours. This is not about whether he is a "good man." He may very well be. This is about respect, which starts with the OP's self-respect. He ought to have called her to explain, and offered to reschedule with a date and time. He didn't do that, and perhaps he did her a favor by saving her the time and trouble of finding out down the road that he is a flake. Better to be alone than with someone who does not show respect.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 This is not about whether he is a "good man." He may very well be. This is about respect, which starts with the OP's self-respect. He ought to have called her to explain, and offered to reschedule with a date and time. He didn't do that, and perhaps he did her a favor by saving her the time and trouble of finding out down the road that he is a flake. Better to be alone than with someone who does not show respect. I don't think so. Texting is the best way possible to get in touch with someone without interrupting their activities or putting your activities aside. Its non-intrusive for both parties. Disrespect would've been him not letting her know what the deal is at all. And he did offer to reschedule, she declined. Just because he didn't do said actions over the phone makes him disrespectful? I don't get it. Using the most comfortable means of communication at hand is disrespectful?
samspade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I don't think so. Texting is the best way possible to get in touch with someone without interrupting their activities or putting your activities aside. Its non-intrusive for both parties. Disrespect would've been him not letting her know what the deal is at all. And he did offer to reschedule, she declined. Just because he didn't do said actions over the phone makes him disrespectful? I don't get it. Using the most comfortable means of communication at hand is disrespectful? Not letting her know would also have been disrespectful. This is like saying murder is bad but a brutal beating is acceptable. You are talking about two scenarios of different levels of disrespect. Non-intrusive? Comfortable? How about passive-aggressive? I still maintain that he should have called. If she didn't want to be interrupted, her phone would be turned off or she would not have answered, in which case he would leave a voice mail explaining the situation and offering to reschedule with a date and time. This would at least demonstrate that he is still interested in seeing her and not just brushing her off. Do you see the difference? I'm all for texting when it's appropriate. Yes, it's "comfortable." But staying inside your comfort zone is not the way to succeed at dating. And while this type of disrespect is not evil or mean-spirited, it's careless, and grounds for a nexting, or at least putting him on the back burner. If a girl did this to me, it would be a mark against her. If the OP tolerates this flakiness, she is giving him permission to continue acting in a comfortable and half-assed manner - and as we know, a lot of people will take full advantage of such a thing. It's better to maintain your integrity.
carhill Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Texting is the best way possible to get in touch with someone without interrupting their activities or putting your activities aside. Its non-intrusive for both parties. Yes, dating and marriage should be non-intrusive as well I'll say it again. If there's genuine interest, a voice will be heard on the phone or a person will make an appearance. Texting is just convenient electrons. It has its place and not in the establishment of intimacy IMO, though the way I see some people caressing their BlackBerry's on airplanes does give me pause Using the most comfortable means of communication at hand is disrespectful? It apparently was to the OP. Incompatibility
mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I just think its a bit over the top for everyone to be vilifying this guy for cancelling their first date. Nobody knows what he could've had going on, but to automatically assume this guy is douche bag is crazy. If anything people should be sympathizing for Jersey Shortie's date getting spoiled, but don't turn the male in this scenario into the bad guy. I guess everyone just went with it because of the negative and angry tone Jersey set in her initial post. But vilifying this guy isn't the way to go. He had some **** in his life to sort out, and at least he was kind enough to let know you. Turning around and saying crazy things like "IF HE REALLY CARED ABOUT ME HE WOULD'VE CALLED!" is insane especially when the two didn't even go on a first date yet. Its like people are grasping for twigs to fault this guy on when there's a whole tree of **** about him that nobody knows. To Jersey Shortie, if you don't give people the benefit of a doubt, how successful do you plan to be in your dating career? Not trying to attack anyone here, but to call this guy a douche, and whatever else because he had other things in life going on to the point where he had to cancel their FIRST date, as in, there were no dates prior to this one, so not that much emotional attachment, is crazy to me.
samspade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I am not vilifying him, calling him a douche, or a bad guy. I'm just saying he's showing he's not worth her time. We obviously disagree where the line should be drawn, so to each his own. It is my personal belief that a man or woman with options and integrity will not waste time on one person who is a flake.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 .....though the way I see some people caressing their BlackBerry's on airplanes does give me pause Samspade put it all into excellent words. I just think its a bit over the top for everyone to be vilifying this guy for cancelling their first date. Glad your sympathies and understanding lie with the man that cancelled on me.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Glad your sympathies and understanding lie with the man that cancelled on me. You see, this right here is why I take your posts with a grain of salt sometimes. Here you are with a valid scenario to be upset over. I agree with you on that, I sympathize for you on that. But you're so obsessed with people agreeing with you and throwing dirt on the opposing party's name. This poor guy is probably a bit peeved himself that you just said "**** it all" because he simply had to reschedule the first date. He probably had a valid reason to reschedule, he probably didn't. We don't know. All I'm saying is the man had to reschedule, okay, fine, he told you, good. But that, by no means, makes him a bad person. Don't go shaming other people out of your own anger. Its understandable you're upset over the whole thing. I'd be pissed to if a shorty I was feelin cancelled on me. But its not grounds for labeling him with negativity and getting the rest of Loveshack to agree with you. That's all I'm going to say on this.
39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I just think its a bit over the top for everyone to be vilifying this guy for cancelling their first date. Nobody knows what he could've had going on, but to automatically assume this guy is douche bag is crazy. If anything people should be sympathizing for Jersey Shortie's date getting spoiled, but don't turn the male in this scenario into the bad guy. I guess everyone just went with it because of the negative and angry tone Jersey set in her initial post. But vilifying this guy isn't the way to go. He had some **** in his life to sort out, and at least he was kind enough to let know you. Turning around and saying crazy things like "IF HE REALLY CARED ABOUT ME HE WOULD'VE CALLED!" is insane especially when the two didn't even go on a first date yet. Its like people are grasping for twigs to fault this guy on when there's a whole tree of **** about him that nobody knows. To Jersey Shortie, if you don't give people the benefit of a doubt, how successful do you plan to be in your dating career? Not trying to attack anyone here, but to call this guy a douche, and whatever else because he had other things in life going on to the point where he had to cancel their FIRST date, as in, there were no dates prior to this one, so not that much emotional attachment, is crazy to me. The bottom line is he didn't treat her with the respect she deserved. Maybe he's a decent person, maybe not. If we switch sexes and a woman did the same to be, I'd do the same thing Jersey did. A lot of these people who cancel just think dating is a game and care very little about the other person. I really can't stand people who break commitments so easily.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 If you are going to make shoddy acusations, please back them up and show me once where I threw dirt on his name?? I challenge you to do so because we both know you can't. And how many times in this thread did I say he possibly could be an okay guy but he missed his chance. Oh, of course you ignored those comments to suit your own agenda in attacking me. Truth is, there will be other good guys that will follow through. I am sorry but I judge a guy on how he acts. This guy's actions made it easier for me to decide what to do. He lost. Maybe he saves puppies on the weekend or visits his grandmother but I currently don't care. You're advice has nothing to to with the situation and really you using it as an excuse to jump on me with your personal attacks. When you posted something serious about your gf problems I never told you "oh this is why I take you worth a grain of salt"... Wow.
39388 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 This poor guy is probably a bit peeved himself that you just said "**** it all" because he simply had to reschedule the first date. But its not grounds for labeling him with negativity and getting the rest of Loveshack to agree with you. That's all I'm going to say on this. You him him a "poor guy" even though he is in the wrong. Unbelieveable. I chose to agree with Jersey. She didn't force me to agree.
kdark Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I think this situation shows a lack of empathy for Jersie. I mean, the guy did ruin her Saturday night. I would have at least called and made sure she completely understood that I was genuinely sorry and honestly wanted to meet again. It's a lack of empathy and a lack of respect. At least give a reason. I would be pretty mad too if a girl did that to me.
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