Hurt constantly getting worse

[TheBigCow]

Hi anyone/everyone

 

I don't want to write 1000 word about my breakup because I'm sure everyone has heard enough break up stories so I'll just outline it.

-Was with girlfriend for 5&1/2 years since I was 15 (21 now)

-Spend the summer apart in different countries (I visited her twice but it was expensive to do so couldn't alot)

-When we got back she told me she had met someone who she has kissed just before leaving and she broke up with me claiming she needed freedom and room to grow, this took me TOTALLY by surprised, we had been talking every day online and occasionally by phone

-At first she said the other guy was now not involved but it turns out she left me essentially to be with him

-2 months later this guy has come over for a week to the city we live in

 

So its been a bit more than 2 months since the break up (we broke up 1st Feb so you can see exactly when it was), and to be honest in the first week I felt alright. I think I was just in complete denial and I thought she would come back to me. But things got worse and worse from there. I started loosing a bit of weight and not being able to motivate myself to do anything, I couldn't concentrate on my work at all and had to drop out of university for the semester so I didn't screw up the year. I made the huge mistake of not going non-contact until very recently (2 weeks), but I felt like I needed to somehow win her back before this guy got over here (she told me he was coming a month ago). Although I think my ex has been quite honest in the whole thing she's also been emotionally very cold, not even shedding a single tear when she confessed to cheating and breaking up with me.

 

Now I'm probably worse than I've been at any point, I know its pathetic but I'm constantly crying when I'm alone. I can't stop picturing them in my head and all I can think of is contacting her. I have no really close friends because me and my GF were really really close and did everything together, we lived together for 2 years. But regardless friends who I wouldn't have considered close have been there for me to talk to and to stick up for me ect, but its not helping at all, my flat mates are so sick of me talking about her but I can't help it. I have suicidal thoughts, even though I know that is the worst possible thing I could do to my family, so I couldn't ever actually do it, but I just want some way of escaping from this hell.

 

I honestly love her so much, and although she has treated me quite badly now and everyone tells me she must have changed as a person, I can't get out of my head how incredibly sweet and caring she has been at all other times in our relationship. And I know its not just my delusion, this is exactly what all her friends and my friends say about her and everyone was just as shocked as I am.

 

To be frank I was a pretty good boyfriend, I never pressured her into anything, I supported her in everything she did and through some family problems she was having. I cooked for her every night because she hated cooking and I just loved doing something for her. I let her have her freedom and even though I hated it let her go out on the town with her friends with a smile.

 

I don't know what I'm expecting from this but I'm just so scared that things will never improve for me. I feel so empty, I committed everything to this relationship and had decided while we were away that she was definitely the most important thing to me and I was going to give up a good scholarship overseas to stay in the some city as her, I was planning on proposing this year. I really think I accept that we're over now.. but I still have thoughts occasionally of trying to win her back, but I do know I could never trust her or see her as the same person.

 

I do have a good life, friends, family, I do very well at university. But nothing else has kept me going the last 5 years, she was my complete and utter motivation and I don't know what the point is without her.

 

I'm sorry for the long rant, just needed to try anything new to make the pain go away.

[Surfer Dude]

I know you are in pain. But I'm not going to try to comfort you with useless phrases such as "It will get better in the future" because that can't help you NOW.

 

Instead, I'm going to tell you to start exercising heavily (releases endorphins into your brain) and go out to meet new girls. A few girls later, you'll hardly remember your ex's name.

 

But nothing else has kept me going the last 5 years, she was my complete and utter motivation and I don't know what the point is without her.

This is the mistake most men make these days. They make their woman the source of their self esteem. They invest all their self worth into ONE FRAGILE RELATIONSHIP, they have so little self esteem that they think their woman is their REASON TO LIVE. Nothing could be further from the truth. Don't be like that, pussy is just a pussy. Go meet new ones.

 

Stay strong, I hope you manage somehow. We've all been through this.

[TheBigCow]

You're right, I did tie up much too much of my self esteem in her. But at the same time it made being with her an incredible, it leads to a dangerous yet amazing bond.

 

Your advice about getting into exercise a lot is a good idea, and I've made a few failed attempts at it. It seems like it just takes one day of being down to completely ruin any motivation you've mustered. But I'll definitely try again.

 

I really feel like I need to know what went wrong and what was going through her head.. but I know this is not as easy thing to get, even during out relationship it was hard to get her to let me in emotionally. Do many people get this kind of closure?

[Excellent]

Do many people get this kind of closure?

 

Actually, no. I guess the norm is that the ex just ups and leaves, and you hear it from a friend two weeks later that he/she is with someone else. Very few have the guts to tell it straight to the other person that they have met someone else.

 

When that is said, i find it amazing that your ex was willingly to throw away all those years so quickly. You sound like me in the way you treated your ex, i did become sort of a wuss in the end with her, but there was no question in how i felt about her.

 

Stings like **** when they just bust that can of breakup in your face, i know. I recommend you hit the gym like said in this thread, i stepped up my exercise routine from 3 days to 5 days a week after the break, just to get some relief. It does help, a lot. Not only does it help you mentally, but it shows physically too. Makes you feel good, gives you high morale. There's nothing better than going out from the gym, muscles aching, sweat dripping, jumping in the shower and then collapsing on the sofa when you come home

[dethfire]

usually the worst pain happens two months later for me. right after breakups I usually go on a crazy activity binge that keeps me distracted, but sooner or later you gotta deal with it and that is horrible. maybe you are just cresting now, maybe it gets better from here

[mendsley]

I know how you feel, I have been seperated from my wife for 8 months from a 10 year marriage and this $hit seems to get worse. It definatly is an emotional roller coaster from hell. I wish I could say something that would instanlty make the pain subside, but I cannot and no one can. Time is the only pain reliever, and it is not the same for everyone. Good luck and keep your mind busy!

 

MIKE

[TheBigCow]

I know this seems ****ing stupid.. but I really don't see the point in living anymore. Fine things might get better but how can one truly every be happy again knowing they've lost something they know would have made them happy the rest of their lives.

 

I have one mate who has gone through a similar thing as this and even after 2 years he's still pretty miserable.. he's obviously totally accepted the whole thing and may not even like his ex anymore but he's just lost his lust for life.

 

Doesn't inspire great hope in me

[dethfire]

I know this seems ****ing stupid.. but I really don't see the point in living anymore. Fine things might get better but how can one truly every be happy again knowing they've lost something they know would have made them happy the rest of their lives.

 

I have one mate who has gone through a similar thing as this and even after 2 years he's still pretty miserable.. he's obviously totally accepted the whole thing and may not even like his ex anymore but he's just lost his lust for life.

 

Doesn't inspire great hope in me

 

travel, it's a big world, lots to do and full of interesting people. it's easy to get tunnel vision in your egocentric world.

[Chinook]

Okay, this seems stupid thing to suggest but... [buy a book. Seriously.]

 

Okay this book is written for GIRLS. But you're an intelligent guy - so it should make it easy to apply the same principles throughout the book to the female species. I used the book and didn't even finish it because it's first few chapters helped me out so much.

 

Also try this one too. [Paul McKenna]

 

Then sit yourself down with whatever your home comforts are (wine, chocolate etc) and then wallow and cry. For one pity party only. Okay.

 

The next morning, look yourself in the eye and ask yourself, do you want to be happy or sad for the rest of your life for the sake of someone who walked out of your life..? When she walked out of your life, she severed the bond you guys had. She made a very specific and conscious decision to walk away. No one should get to do that and still demand your time, thought, effort and love. You will catch up with her and her decision... it will just take you time.

 

After you have finished in the mirror, get in the shower - buff that body down. Clean up, smarten up and groom. Go with what surferdude suggests and exercise. Even if you only start walking first. Just do it, one foot in front of the other. First for 5 minutes, then 10, then 20 then an hour. Do it until you're focusing on the exercise and the feeling it gives.

 

When you're done with exercising and re-grooming afterwards... get your address book out. Call up all your single buddies and even the ones in relationships. Tell them what happened and tell them 'I need a night out' even if it's just a night at the bowling alley. Do something, anything.

 

When you're done with grooming, exercising, going out and work/school you won't have time to worry about her. Keep doing it. Keep doing it until the thought of her doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Failing that, take up World of Warcraft. Trust me, it will eat your life

[Athena]

I hate to say this, but this girl sounds like she was not as into you as you were into her... the reason I say this is because WOMEN react differently to men when it comes to breaking up in a long term relationship (or marriage)... they THINK about it for months and months beforehand ... so she had the idea of breaking up with you probably from a year or two earlier, but kept hanging in there with you out of habit, and no better options... until a better option came along.

 

Don't worry, it doesn't mean you aren't as good as the other guy, it's that she was going to dump you anyway, and she did it when a convenient opportunity came along.

 

Now here you are, crying and alone, and wishing your life had ended rather than your hopes, dreams, and the relationship with her... the reason why she is not shedding a tear, is that she had a long, long, time to think about emotionally detaching from you, whereas for you it is such a shock -- came out of Nowhere... no warning signs for you... its as if a Loved One had died!!! Totally out of the blue, and you found yourself unprepared to deal with the loss.

 

Please do not make this relationship into something Bigger than it was, in Reality... I do understand that for YOU it was something special, but clearly for her it was a relationship of convenience, and she moved on as soon as she set things up. Granted, that was dishonest of her, but people who get another partner lined up and move out of their old relationship do this to spare themselves feeling any painful emotions... you, on the other hand did not get given this option, so you are still suffering.

 

Put it in your mind that she was thinking of this for a long period of time, and carried it out. I am sorry you got so hurt, but the good news is that you are clearly more capable of an honest and emotionally connected relationship (as evidenced by your pain at the abrupt disconnect) and that means that you have an ability to be emotionally available, which will do you well in a future relationship with a special girl.

 

I urge you not to go the way your buddy has where he lost his spark -- his innocence due to the hurt inflicted upon his unsuspecting soul -- you must take the risk again in love, and make yourself vulnerable again, so that you can reap the benefits of true love when you find a worthwhile mate.

[TheBigCow]

Guys actually those last two comments really did help a bit.

 

Chinook: I took to heart what you said about just taking a look at myself and asking if I wanted to be sad for the rest of my life or not and even though It doesn't help me get over her or feel better.. it gives me a reason to at least TRY.

 

I will consider the buying a book idea (might check the libary first )

 

Athena: I wish you were wrong, but on reflection you are probably right. Its hard to believe because she acted very into the relationship and whenever I brought up a small problem (her stealing my sheets at night or something silly like that) we had she reacted very badly as though she was so scared that I was going to let her go over something small (that was never my intention, I wanted to strengthen us by talking about things!). I guess it makes sense though if she was just comfortable and find it nice.. but was really just waiting for something new to come along. Ugh its painful though because If she had just told me straight away we could have worked on it, or broken up peacefully so neither of us got really hurt.

 

Girls/Women need to stop leading guys on.. another friend of mine just got dumped after what he said was a fantastic week away together and the breakup came out of no where.

 

Even if I can accept all this and move on though.. I can't imagine ever being able to trust or love someone quite the same way again. Actually I can't imagine not being in love with my ex.. I guess either I'll just have to live with it or it'll naturally pass.

[Athena]

I am sure you WILL love again -- breaking up with your love is like childbirth -- you swear it will never happen again, and then you forget about it when you want another again! heh heh

TIME makes you forget the pain!!!

 

So, anyway, I am glad you took something out of it that was helpful to you...

[TheBigCow]

Hey guys, sorry to bring up this thread again because I know that I'm posting elsewhere as well, I'm not trying to flood the forum! just wanted to ask you guys something about my situation in particular.

 

So at the end of last year both me and my girlfriend (at the time) went overseas for the summer. When we left I really thought it'd be good for us and we'd be able to grow and so be stronger in our relationship ect (not that it wasn't strong, just always good to keep improving!).. obviously this isn't what happened for my ex, but thats not really what I want to talk about.

 

I was overseas doing a research scholarship and about two weeks before we left (at this point I had no idea about the other guy) my supervisor overseas started to suggest I stay there to continue studying and offered me work/scholarships. This really made me think but it I came to the conclusion that I was going to give up this opportunity and instead come back to live with my girlfriend, I told her this. I feel like I'd decided that although this was a really bad move career wise, I had decided that I'd figured out what was important in my life, my girlfriend, our future.

 

Then a week later I heard about this other guy and a week after that we were back and broke up immediately.

 

Now I really feel confused about that choice that I made, in terms of my emotional resolve and my physical choice of not staying. On reflection its easy to stay yeah I should have stayed.. but is that really true. At the time did I make the wrong choice? Do you guys think that in a way this was lifes way of saying to me "sorry wrong choice, try again", or do you think I should just accept that at the time yes that was the most important thing to me and although It didn't work out, I made the the right choice?

 

Sorry if there is information overlap between this and the first post