Paddy084 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Hi All.....I'm not really sure what kind of advice or answers I'm looking for but I would really appreciate some advice on on my current situation. My story anyway......My girlfriend of 8.5 years broke up with me 5 weeks ago. We are both in our mid twenties and she told me she loves me but is not in love with me and wasnt sure if she could see us together in the distance future. I told her at the time that maybe if I give her a bit of space and time to clear her head for a while and see what happens, she kind of agreed but for now the break up is still going to be offical. Prior to the break up I had been out of work for a few months and she was working part time, so we were always very tight on money for nights out etc and it really stopped and restricted us from doing things together such as a weekend away, dinner out and so on (I also at the time had no car). We weren't living together, both of us lived with our parents, but seen eachother every night. It was quite dull and boring, cause I would just call to hers and all we would end up doing is eating dinner and then watching the television. We are only a few months back from travelling the world together for a year, so obviously at this point in our relationship we were living together. As you would imagine money was always tight travelling and when we had to stop off in one country and work for a few months we were really restricted to going out just the one night a week, the other nights of the week was much like home, dinner and then watch television. So eventually we had enough money to head off travelling for another month in a van with her, myself and four other lads. It was two weeks into this trip that she expressed her fears that she wasnt sure how she felt about me anymore, but after a long day and a long chat she decided to give it a chance and some time. About two months after this conversation we arrived home together. I was aware that I needed to work on our relationship, I wanted to spoil her and bring back the fun, laughter and romance into our relationship, but with no money, car or independance really I wasnt able to do all I wanted to win her love back and it just seeped back into the boring dull routine as I beacame not the most pleasant or exciting person to be around due to feeling a little depressed about my lack of independance. So about three months home from travelling she called things. I was and still am devastated. She meant everything to me. I havent even received a text from her since. Since the break up I have sent her two letters. The first was me basically telling her that I accept and respect her decesion and telling her where I felt things went wrong. I apologised for ever hurting or upsetting her in our relationship and wished her all the happeness in the future and only sorry I couldnt give it to her. The second letter I sent her was with a book and two tickets to a concert that I knew she wanted to go to. The book was one I seen in a shop and basically the title of it was the very reason she broke up with me. I explained to her that I bought it to maybe give me closure and I sent it to her to maybe answer any questions that maybe she herself didnt have answers to. I told her from reading the book I felt that the relationship is salvagable and it is possible to relight the flame of passion and romance. I told her that I hated not been able to speak to her and that someday soon I would love to meet up with her not even to just talk about 'us' but just to kind of catch up. I never begged or pleaded with her to come back, I just simply told her that I do miss her. I never got any kind of reply to either letter. Im not navie, I know from her not contacting me that it doesnt look good and alot of you would just tell me to move on, but I really love her. Ive been out a few times with our mutual friends since the break and every time I'm with them I get very emtional and need to leave. I do be thinking stupid things when obviuosly the drink is flowing and I'm with our mutual friends. Whenever I'm with my own friends, yes I talk alot about her but feel like I can enjoy my night out without any fears of tears running down my face at any stage in the night. What can I do to get her back in my life. I have gone strict NC from day one of our breakup apart from the two letters, and I know its supposed to be about building yourself again but I still havent heard anything from her. And I do feel alot better compared to the first and second week of the break up as I kind of have my independane back now as I have myself a car and a new job starting in a weeks time but there is obviously one piece missing and I still really love her and want her back with me. But what can I do? Should I contact her? I'm just very lonely and want her back. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks all.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Paddy, from her point of view, the relationship had become stagnant. The whole thing could have blew up in her mind and she could have felt trapped, especially in a 8 1/2 relationship. She removed herself from the situation to quiet her thoughts and be alone, from you. You may think that it's selfish of her to leave you, but your dependency and your problems have gotten to be too much of a burden on her. If her dreams were of marriage later in life, she would want to settle down in a stable environment. Anyone would. At this time you didn't offer that. You're too dependent on her, and all your emotions either involve her or your thoughts revolve around her. Have you actually spend any time alone by yourself? Doing your favorite hobbies that didn't include her? She might have felt suffocated. I am not asking you to give up on her just yet. That wouldn't be sound advice. What I want you to do is go with no contact and cease all things that involve her. Worry about your financial problem and your job. Work on yourself. Don't allow yourself to be weak and write her sappy letters. It won't work. This period is about you. Not her. Look at the situation as if you've been away from home for the last 8 years and do the things you love and had aspired to do.
Author Paddy084 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Hi xpaperxcutx, thanks for the reply. I know I should really stick with the no contact and at the start I decided to do NC in the hope that she would maybe miss me and get in touch, but this obviously hasnt happened. This site and friends and family are just telling me to leave things as they are now, but its just my gut telling me that if I completely leave things it will haunt me for years that after such a wonderful 8.5 years I never at least tried properly to talk to her and see if there ever is a chance to reconcile. When we were only two years together, we were still in our teens and she finished things for a little while then too for basically the same reasons as now. I think it was deffenitely grass is greener syndrome at that time. The difference between my reactions now and then to the break up is this time ive just gone straight into NC, whereas before I did all the usual begging pleading and so on. We still got to see eachother alot then through meetings with mutual friends. We had been split for about three months unitl one day she was at a party in my house and over heard a friend tell me that she wanted to set me up with one of her friends. The ex heard this and ran straight out of the room, I went after her and after a chat we were back together till now anyway. Suppose i'm saying I kept in the picture then and always tried to win her back and eventually I got what I had longed for. Now that I'm alot more mature I feel or felt anyway that I should just give her space, but doing this isnt obviously giving me what I want....last time I done the oppisite to what everyone on here advices and I won her back, even if we were kids then. I know she has a family party on tonight and for some reason I just really want to send her a text and tell her that I'm off the drink tonight and if she or any or her family wants a lift anywhere at any stage tonight to just give me a call.......my head is just so messed up, in some ways as stupid as it sounds I kind of wish she was giving me mixed feelings instead of none at all. I just really miss her.
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