writergal Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I ate some humble pie last night, by going against my gut and having make-up sex with my ex-bf. After 3 months of NC I contacted him to talk so I could get the closure I felt I needed -- him telling me the truth as to why he broke up with me. I know the best choice is often to move onward and never look back after a breakup. But sometimes I believe there are exceptions to that rule when you feel a strong chemistry connection with someone. And not every relationship's beginning is smooth. That said, last night we watched a film at his place and then talked. We had a great conversation then we started flirting and things progressed to the bedroom where we had make-up sex. He said he missed me. He said he wanted us to have a second chance. I believed him. Then this morning, he told me while he wept, that he is sorry he lied to me and hurt me, but he is still in a lot of emotional pain from his failed marriage of 11 years, and that he would like for us to just maintain a boundary of friendship right now while he works through his emotional pain. I should cry. I should be devastated. I should be angry as well. But all I have for him is compassion although he lied to me last night when this all happened. I know I have the tools to recover emotionally -- exercise, friends, my graduate school studies, my family and my hobbies. BUT today I am lacking sleep. Today I am devastated that I was rejected by him within a 24 hour period of him telling me he was ready to give our r/s a second chance. He's so confused and in so much pain. I'm just really, really disheartened and sad that this has happened to me. He said I was a gift in a sense to him, b/c being with me forced him to confront the emotional pain he'd been hiding from by dating women. I should feel flattered but I feel more used than anything. We only dated for 3 months but we're both 38, and at the time agreed we were meant for each other and could see ourselves married to each other. This morning he told me he said all those things to me because it comforted him to care for another woman (me) who reciprocated (his ex-wife apparently had an affair during their marriage, lied to him and refused to have sex with him) his words, although he didn't know for sure if he really did love me or think I was "the one." To hear him tell me that our r/s was a lie completely floored me. I'm still in shock. I know 3 months is nothing in the long term scheme of life. But I also rejected a male friend who has been pursuing me for two months to have a romantic relationship. Despite my directly telling my male friend, "I'm still in love with my ex bf and am not attracted to you romantically, let's just be friends," he persisted, ignoring me until I emailed him two days ago, telling him to leave me alone if he cant respect the boundaries of friendship I put up. So, in the turn of a week, I rejected a male friend's romantic gestures, and was rejected by my ex-bf after I told him I just wanted closure, then to be friends, then to want a 2nd chance b/c that is where he took our last 3 meetings...until this morning when he changed his mind yet again back to wanting to be alone and for us to maintain a boundary of friendship. How do I deal with this? I'm an emotional wreck although I take responsibility for going through with the make-up sex. I assumed my ex-bf was telling me the truth...I hoped he was. I want to believe him now that he wants to maintain a friendship with me. I told him I am not going to be a FWB either. Make-up sex does not put me in the FWB category. I don't want to give up on this guy b/c I do believe we had something real together. Am I being delusional? Please be nice. I just want advice on how to cope with this mess I helped to create for myself.
TaraMaiden Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 You know really, what you need to do. Stay on your own for a while. It's really the best option for you. It cannot be any worse to what you are doing now!
lonelypiscesguy Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Wow...That's pretty rough, sweetie. I agree with the above poster, you need "me" time right now. I don't know if your ex out and out lied to you, it sounds like he is confused and doesn't know for sure what he wants. But for now, forget him, not forever, just until you both have healed. I can relate to the connectivity and chemistry angle, it does make it tough to just say "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!". You know what to do, hon, I think the majority of us here on the Lonely Hearts Club already know the answers to our questions, we're just looking for intelligent and empathetic sounding boards. Best of luck anyway.
Author writergal Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 lonelypiscesguy: my friends say i should have confronted my ex about the fact that he was just focusing on himself yesterday when he said he felt smothered after our night together. That I should have called him on his bs about dismissing my feelings when he compared me to hives, and said i should accept any offer from other guys. Especially since 12 hours earlier he'd told me everything I wanted to hear, again when he said he missed me, that he felt safe with me, that he trusted me and that I made him laugh. He obviously isn't ready to give us a 2nd chance. I knew that when I initiated contact with him again...although he confused me by wanting to be physical again,when he told me he missed me. I know a lot can be said in the heat of the moment that is more emotional than anything. I know I need to refocus my energy on myself. And I know I would appear more weak to my ex if I continue to pursue him or a friendship with him right now esp. if he doesn't even want that. But what about my needs?I want to get my own personal power back and concentrate on my life, so that I can attract my ex back into my life. And I don't want to be with anyone else in the future. I have seen other couples break up and get back together and it's never an easy or quick process. It can either take months or years for a relationship to solidify and work. And I know 11 years of marriage is heavier than 3 months. But 3 months with the right person should outweigh 11 years of being with the wrong person, shouldn't it? If I go NC again and let him be and then pick the fall season to reconnect with him in the fall because the future remains to be seen still. Look, this is really hard for me b/c I put myself in a weakened position by going through with what i thought was make-up sex based on what he said to me. And then I find out that what I over-reacted about was completely wrong. He mentioned the woman's name to me in talking about a concert they went to together recently, and I responded, "say, why did you tell me that your wife hated her and that you used to sneak around your wife's back to hang out with her, because that planted a see of paranoia in my mind and when you started to withdraw from me, I immediately assumed it was because you were interested in your female coworker whom you've known for so long?" He laughed and said that I got the women mixed up, and that he actually had said another woman's name whom he went to graduate school with who is married with a baby, whom he never had any sexual relationship with but his wife hated her b/c she was a real flirt with my ex. And I met that woman and didn't like her either b/c she was such a flirt with him, so I could see why his wife didn't like her at all. So, knowing that, i felt shocked that he would break up with me about that, when he could have just reassured me and talked to me about it. I asked him this question, why did you break up with me then? and he said because he felt smothered in the r/s with me. So either way, I lose b/c I invested so much emotionally into being with my ex. Clearly he doesn't want me right now in his life. If i chase him, I just appear needy and clingy. If i ignore him and focus on me, he will leave me alone and not pursue any contact with me, at least he didn't for the past 3 months after he broke up with me. I'm just so confused! What do I do with this emotional pain I'm feeling right now?!
Author writergal Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 In my last paragraph here, I'm talking about finding out that what I over reacted to in January (when I snooped on his cellphone and read some texts between him and a female cower I suspected him cheatinig on me with) was completely wrong. My ex never cheated on me. He just felt smothered by me and wanted out of the r/s, claiming he felt more pain about his marriage when he was with me, like hives (yes, he compared me to hives..how mean is that!), vs. when he was alone after he broke up with me, his emotional pain about his marriage was more tolerable like a small rash, versus the aggravating hives affect he experienced being with me -- this is what said to me yesterday morning after we spent the night together. I didn't even call him out for saying such a cruel thing to me. All I did was passively listen to what he was saying to me, trying to reassure him that I didn't want to be a negative force in his life. When really, i should have stuck up for myself and forced him to acknowledge hurting me. But so what if i get him to apologize? That won't chage the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, right now at least.
vessv6l Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Writergal that is a very tough situation your in. I can empathise with how you were in the morning after makeup sex when he was telling you all those things and you didnt call him up on it. I faced my ex a week after the break up and she told me that she had already slept with someone else and confessed to me it was such an intense experience! I should have called her what she is and left right then but didnt because it felt so good to be around her company. I guess you must have been the same, but afterward whenyou look back on it you felt angry and ashamed you didnt say what you really wanted to? I was pissed the morning after she told me those things, both at her and myself. This guy is really struggling to come to terms with things and if he says being with you is enhancing the emotions of his failed relationship perhaps you should move on. I know you trying to form a plan to give him time and then get back with him, but what then if he hasnt changed or the same thing happens? you'll be even more devasted? Going NC should be for your benefit, do it so you can heal faster and move on to bigger and better things. Going NC so he has the time to sort his things out and decide to try again with you is possibly setting yourself up for another fall. He may decide this and you may work things out, but hoping for it now isnt going to help you get over it. I must confess though i am still doing this too, but going nc hoping that ill be over it after a few months and have moved on.
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