dobler33 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 i certainly have no intention of threadjacking here. i merely threw out an observation. we don't know if the advice would be similar for a man who wasn't attracted to his wife after he'd had an affair, because that's not what's happening here. this is a woman who is isn't attracted to her husband after she's had an affair, and a lot of the responses have been quite heatedly accusatory toward her, as though not being attracted to her husband is as great a transgression as the affair itself. as for bringing sexism in, i think it's difficult to imagine a social interaction in which it is completely absent. we carry an acculturated indoctrinization of the ownership of female bodies by male partners. this is an example, regardless of the valid reasons why she might not be attracted to her husband. i find it helpful in my life and in my practice to take a look at some of the cultural contexts of things, for a wider and more richly nuanced perspective. so, again, just throwing it out there. back to the business at hand....
Owl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 As a long time poster on this site, I can assure you that the same advice would be given a man who described a similar situation...this same "problem" has been seen many, many times here...it's a common element in infidelity and recovery. It's got nothing to do with the fact that the OP is a woman. Frankly...not even cultural contexts have anything to do with this. It's a basic function of how attraction works. I think you're reading a LOT more into this than needs be.
HsMomma Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 i certainly have no intention of threadjacking here. i merely threw out an observation. we don't know if the advice would be similar for a man who wasn't attracted to his wife after he'd had an affair, because that's not what's happening here. this is a woman who is isn't attracted to her husband after she's had an affair, and a lot of the responses have been quite heatedly accusatory toward her, as though not being attracted to her husband is as great a transgression as the affair itself. as for bringing sexism in, i think it's difficult to imagine a social interaction in which it is completely absent. we carry an acculturated indoctrinization of the ownership of female bodies by male partners. this is an example, regardless of the valid reasons why she might not be attracted to her husband. i find it helpful in my life and in my practice to take a look at some of the cultural contexts of things, for a wider and more richly nuanced perspective. so, again, just throwing it out there. back to the business at hand.... I think, if you read through many, many of the other posts on this site, you will find that we do know that the advice would be the same. I don't think gender plays a part in this. The fact remains: how many people want to be married to someone who engages in an EA & then can't bring themselves to be attracted to the BS?
soserious1 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I do believe that many lose attraction to their spouses because they're in affair fog but I wonder how many WS had lost that attraction well prior to beginning the affair ? If I am to be totally honest, my EX was displaying his lack of physical attraction to me long before he started stepping out. I'm wondering how often this is the case?
Owl Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I do believe that many lose attraction to their spouses because they're in affair fog but I wonder how many WS had lost that attraction well prior to beginning the affair ? If I am to be totally honest, my EX was displaying his lack of physical attraction to me long before he started stepping out. I'm wondering how often this is the case? Do you think it was a true, deep "loss of attraction"...or simply the normal "ups and downs" of marriage? Or was it simple ennui with being with the same person for a long time...and what was felt with the OW was in a large part the "something new"?
soserious1 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Do you think it was a true, deep "loss of attraction"...or simply the normal "ups and downs" of marriage? Or was it simple ennui with being with the same person for a long time...and what was felt with the OW was in a large part the "something new"? No, he changed, he remade his body via body building and really heavy dieting, he then looked at me and felt he deserved a better looking, younger woman. It started off slowly but his unhappiness with me in terms of physical attractiveness was in evidence long before he started hitting craig's list. I'm trying to be really honest with myself.. the signs were there for a long time.. my husband lost attraction for me in a fundmental way long before he sent his 1st dirty email to any woman on craig's list. I'm wondering how often this is the case for other people.
Author Destiny28 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Well for me I would would have to say my very initial post I obviously was still in the EA "fog" and I think that's why I was having such a hard time finding my H attractive. Even though I was in NC and continue to be forever, I still felt emotionally attached to the OM in the sense that it was all still so fresh in my head yet. But I can say after over 2 mo's I'm feeling much different now. I see it all in a different perspective and the light bulb finally went on like, "What the heck did I just do?" It's so crazy how those "love chemicals" can really mess with your brain. You aren't even thinking straight at the time. Your on cloud nine and the only feelings you think about are your own! It's still definately NO EXCUSE for what I did PERIOD....
jackmo71 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Destiney28, As a husband going through the same thing, I really appreciate you opening up to the world. I now have a better understanding as to what my wife is going through. I believe in my heart that she has made up her mind to stay with me but I can tell she is still unhappy with her life. I don't think she has decided to not contact him again but I think he has grown tired of the long distance fantasy. By the way we have been going through this since January of this year and it has been one hell of a year so far. I am committed to stay because I really love my wife. I admit that I have not been the best husband and father over the last 18 years but it has not been all bad like she tried to make it out to be in the beginning. We have three boys that would be devastated if we went our separate ways. Early on God revealed to me that all will be well with my family and we would be together. I am not going to abort my promise and am still standing on it. I admit it has not been easy and it is getting better. She actually partook in Holy Communion two weeks ago for the first time in months, so I truly believe she has decided to stay in our marriage. But I have a couple of questions for you if you don't mind. As far as sex goes, we haven't been together since my birthday and she said it felt obligatory. I really would rather not bother if that's the way she feels. So my question is do I continue to work on becoming the best husband and father I can be and wait for her to come around or am I just missing the signals and should pursue intimacy with my wife? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Also as the fog has lifted have you become close to your husband again? Anyone else's advice would be greatly appreciated as well. If you would like you can email responses to me at [email protected]. Thanks and God bless your relationship:)
Shockedhusband Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Jackmo If she hasn't started no contact then she is not trying to work on the marriage. Nothing will get better until she is NOT CONTACTING the OM. Once she is out of the fog then your marriage can begin to heal. My wife was not willing to stop contact with the OM even after I asked her repeatedly to stop and even after I drew the hard line in the sand. I love my wife to but I made the decision that I was not going to sacrifice my self respect and my morals by sharing my wife on an emotional level and possibly physical level with another man. Wake up man, becuase until you do you will never be able to heal yourself.
Author Destiny28 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 If she hasn't started no contact then she is not trying to work on the marriage. Nothing will get better until she is NOT CONTACTING the OM. Once she is out of the fog then your marriage can begin to heal. Live by these words because they are so very true!!!!!!!! Shocked H is right on the $$$$ with this one!
Author Destiny28 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Shocked H is right on the $$$$ with this one! Your M is at a stand still and CAN'T be repaired until she finally decides to go NC with the OM!
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I cringe inside when we have sex. I often feel like it's a chore. It is so fake and I never once experienced the big "O" with him. In the beginning of our relationship I'm trying to remember if I found him attractive. I surely must have. It just seems a lifetime ago! Am I reading correctly that you never had an orgasm with your H, ever? That you can't remember if you ever found him attractive? BTDT, had the EA but I can tell you with assurance that, if I'm hearing you correctly, IMO, you should not attempt to save your M. The elemental intimacy can not be recovered because it was never there. Let him go. He's hanging on for dear life. However, if I'm misunderstanding, and you did have that elemental intimacy and bond with your H, clearly the only way to recover the M is to fully disclose and end contact with the OM. Three to six months of patience and hard work by you and your H will set a framework for a recovery that could take a few years. I wish you well
Author Destiny28 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Carhill, My first initial post was right after ending my EA. I think I wasn't attracted to my H at that time because I was still pining for the OM and in the beginning stage of withdrawal. Fast forward 4 mo's! I have been able to reconnect with my H on both an emotional and physical level. We are doing much better. Sure we have good days and bad but I think that is typical. We continue to work on our M and how we can both meet each other's needs and be satisfied. Ummm, and as far as the "orgasm" goes... Still working on that. It's not my H's fault. I'm not sure why I wrote that in my very first post anyway. I think that is an issue I need to figure out on my own....
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 My apologies for not noting the age of the OP and glad to hear things are improving for you! There are specialists who can help you with sexual issues, whether the impetuses are physical, psychological or emotional. IMO, getting such help would further your goals of recovery. Good luck!
Andy L Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Carhill, I have been able to reconnect with my H on both an emotional and physical level. OK, Sorry for your affair and happy for your better days now. But, how long were your EA? NO physical with OM?
choklit Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Hi Destiny, I would definitely accept tips from you in regards to ending your EA. Mine was also physical, however, we have not seen each other in over six weeks, a good start. Having much difficulty with the attraction toward H, and did for almost two years prior to the A. Met with my counselor today and she did say everyone has different ways of ending affairs. To her, mine is weaning. When I get the urges to call the OM, I call my mother, girlfriend, or H instead. Have made much better gains in ignoring his calls/emails but still have relapses. Mine H does not know our relationship was beyond emotional, therefore, I am dealing with other emotions also.......guilt and shame. Very happy for you and glad your H forgave you and is understanding.
Author Destiny28 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Andy, The EA lasted a little over 3 mo's. It was an EA, didn't lead into PA. We did discuss "meeting" up but that never happened. THANK GOD because I'm sure it would have developed into a full blown PA as well if we would have met up with each other. Choklit, stay strong!!!! I too while experiencing withdrawal wanted to re-contact the OM but I knew better. I believe I remember hearing this from OWL and it makes TOTAL SENSE "It would have been like reopening a scab that was trying to heal and if you picked at it, it would have to re-heal itself ALL over again!" I knew I did not want to have to re-experience that AGAIN! When I felt weak and felt the need or urge to reconnect with the OM, I thought to myself, "What am I missing that I feel like I need to talk to the OM?" Once I figured out those missing pieces I no longer have that urge anymore. In fact, the OM was a pure manipulator and played with my feelings and emotions. I deserved it in a sense since I was doing the same to my H at the time! Very selfish! I'm telling you though only way to overcome ALL of this is by ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT! Delete and block all his #'s, emails, etc! Change your phone # if you can. Everytime you "relapse" you are having to re-experience withdrawal ALL over again. Why endure the pain? DELETE them from your life permanently if you really want to remain and focus on your M! Best of luck!
choklit Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks Destiny, when you have time, please browse my thread. Try not to reveal too many personal info..........I started a few new activities in my life to keep me busy while kids are in school and while my H travels with work. The OM and me both keep having relapses.
lostsunsets Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Read my first couple of posts........told you so. Couldn't resist.
choklit Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Read my first couple of posts........told you so. Couldn't resist. From your posts, you sound soooooooooo negative and bitter. Do you ever provide any positive feedback??? "Relapses" referred to phone calls or emails!!!
Author Destiny28 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 Choklit I couldn't agree with you more!
delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 hi...i just had to post a bit... i read all of your posts...the first one caught my eye.. see my H had an online EA...for about 3 weeks...he was so lost..i knew when it started before i even asked him or had proof...reading your feelings of how you got lost in the EA fog and bringing back all those "in love' feelings you thought you would never feel again, etc... i just couldn't stop crying...because i keep thinking why didn't i see IT coming...how come I couldn't make my H feel that way again...or still... your posts made me see the other side of what my H did to me... not that i condone it...but i understand IT a bit more now. and now i understand why he was like in this weird state of mind, almost like on drugs...he just couldn't snap out of IT...just like you described..and addiction...and how you couldn't get close or attracted to your H again..yet...? i am still crying and trying to type...so this might be all over the place. anyway...my H left me..NOT for the OW he had the online EA with...he was still IN THAT FOG and just left..and to this day, 4/5 months later..he is still IN IT so i also am praying that YOU did not have this EA with a married man.. cause from the wife's side...an EA is so much more damaging then a PA...you know what i mean:lmao: 13 years of marriage gone in just a 3 week EA...just gone... neither of us every cheated or even thought of it...we had our ups and downs..but H always said, "divorce is not an option"....as we never had any issues that were very big...so this EA...has just about killed me... it did kill my H...as the man i married is GONE...i have NO idea who HE is now...NONE! something happened in the EA, and he has NEVER been the same... anyway, not sure if any of this will make any sense...sorry...i still can't make sense of my life...he had this online EA in February, i made him admit it on Feb. 25....as of 3 weeks ago, i am alone in an apartment...he moved out in March...i was left in our marital home for months alone with empty rooms and that ONE ROOM, the computer room, where IT ALL started/happened....on Facebook, that online EA.... i would stand in that doorway and try to understand, how/why he could be sitting just a few feet away from a loving wife, that was waiting for him to come to bed, to spend time with me...and there he was chatting away..wtih OW, telling HER how much he loved her, and making plans to destroy BOTH our families...(OW is married with 3 small children). gross part is, OW had to break IT off...he still did NOT get it...what he was doing to 2 families...destroyed 2 families... anyway...now i am alone....who knows where my H is... i am still spinning...i have NO clue what happened or why??? so, please please....think twice..or of my very real very painful story, BEFORE you have another EA....please think about the people you will be hurting before the LOVE Endorphines get started!
Author Destiny28 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Delajoonal, I appreciate your honesty and I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. You give me insight from the "other side's perspective" of the pain and torture I put my H through during my EA. Again, I can never express how selfish I was at that point in my life! The OM was single so there was no OW/wife/ on his part. Still doesn't justify what went on but just stating the fact. I had placed my M on the "back burner" as my H describes it and I have no intentions of doing that EVER again! Again, I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through. I wish I could wave a magic wand for us both and wish none of this had to happen but unfortunately it has! I made the choice to have an EA and went down the WRONG path but I believe everything happens for a reason and in the end you learn and grow from the experience and become a MUCH stronger person!
delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you Destiny28.... you seem like a very Sweet person...and i am so glad you and your H are trying to make IT work, with MC and IC....i do believe we are ALL only human...right...lol...i can say i have made mistakes in my life that i am sure hurt other people...but as you said, i too learned from them and grew.... i wish you and your H lots of luck and a fabulous future! i wish i could say the same for me and my H...who seems to be lost out there in the world in a complete state of oblivioin anyway...its good to know SOME couples make it out the other end OK take care...
lovelydemon Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hi, Destiny28, your name seems so familiar to me. I might be mistaken,but I think that I saw it about a year ago or more in a thread about a husband not being emotionally there for you (like not giving you any complements or showing any appreciation). I remember that thread very well because it is the same problem I have. I am surprised you are blaming yourself for not communicating your needs to your H, when I think you did a number of times. I apologize if it wasn't you.
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