Difficulty finding husband attractive after emotional affair

[Destiny28]

First off, I know I've done wrong so please no criticism. I had an emotional affair recently. I am not proud of it. The affair ended roughly a month ago and now I'm experiencing an extremely difficult time finding my husband attractive. I'm just wondering if it is because I may be possibly still experiencing the whole "withdrawl" period or what? We are currently in marriage counseling and I'm trying my hard to recommit to my marriage that I have broken! It's just so frustrating to know my husband still finds me attractive and was able to forgive me after all I've put him through yet here I sit still unhappy! I've come to the conclusion that it felt so good to experience the whole infatuation "in love" feelings with another person again. Those feelings had gone so long supressed due to my husband being unable to meet those emotional needs in the past. It's my fault for not communicating this to him and allowing myself to become vulnerable to an affair! But I tell you, it felt so good to be admired, sexy, and desired again! I'm going off the topic. Any of you out there experience a similar situation where you were unattracted to your spouse after an affair? If so, how long did it take to feel reconnected and attracted to them again! I feel so guilty for feeling this way! I cringe inside when we have sex. I often feel like it's a chore. It is so fake and I never once experienced the big "O" with him. In the beginning of our relationship I'm trying to remember if I found him attractive. I surely must have. It just seems a lifetime ago! I honestly think an emotional affair is much more devestating, heart breaking, and worse than a physical affair possibly. Developing these intimate, strong feelings for someone other than your spouse and trying to break or forget those thoughts in your head is really hard to overcome! I know the affair was all an illusion and fantasy that was short lived but why is it so hard to get over?

[lostsunsets]

You need to tell him. Of course it will crush him. But then you knew what you were doing when you got involved with the OM. Isn't it sad though. You didn't communicate your ENs to your husband (your fault), You had an EA (your fault) Now you destroyed any attraction to your husband (again your fault) And who pays the price? The innocent. What I find ironic, is that he should be the one cringing when he has sex with you. You need to tell him, so that he can divorce you. Even if he loves you with all his heart, Its not fair to him to make his love a prison sentence for him.

 

Oh and just to let you know why you cringe. Whether consciously or subconsciously you think you are cheating on the other man. It is common for women who cheat to feel this way. So naturally you in a way think you are cheating when you have sex with your husband. You could just enjoy the sex with your husband, but because of the attachment to the OM, I guess it makes you unfaithful to him as well. At least in your own mind.

[Destiny28]

Lostsunsets.......

Yes, I realize as stated in my previous post I know I did wrong as I should have communicated with my husband long before the affair even began. I should have explained to him how I was feeling and that needs were not being met. We were living in a so called "platonic relationship," and have been for quite some time. We both were so busy with other things in our lives: working full time, tending the children, paying bills, etc. We arranged absolute NO time together to connect and discuss "us" as a relationship. We drifted apart, living parallel to one another under one roof. Our marriage was placed on the back burner. I'm sure your thinking, "Excuses, excuses..." I've learned from counseling we need to dedicate time for each other no matter what everyday and must prioritize this in our order for our marriage to have a chance of survival. Whether it be 15 mins a day or whatever to reconnect and recommit to our marriage.

 

Your analysis about why I cringe during sex is good however I'm not sure if it fits my criteria. I don't feel I'm cheating on the OM because he is with somebody else. The OM has fault's of his own that are not worth mentioning. I don't want to belong to or be with this OM so I don't think consciously or subconsciously I feel like I am cheating on him as you described. It obviously isn't about him anyway but about me and to quit being so selfish and "buck up!" I need to fix my marriage that I have destroyed. Thank you though for your input.

[lostsunsets]

Lostsunsets.......

 

 

Your analysis about why I cringe during sex is good however I'm not sure if it fits my criteria. I don't feel I'm cheating on the OM because he is with somebody else. The OM has fault's of his own that are not worth mentioning. I don't want to belong to or be with this OM so I don't think consciously or subconsciously I feel like I am cheating on him as you described. It obviously isn't about him anyway but about me and to quit being so selfish and "buck up!" I need to fix my marriage that I have destroyed. Thank you though for your input.

 

Your right, it isn't about the OM. Its about you. Any thoughts on how you can start to love a man you don't love? My personal view is that you have forgotten what an exceptional man he is. By platonic, you mean that you didn't have sex with him before the EA? It's sad but often you have to lose a thing before you appreciate it. But you never lost him. And his forgiveness was right there when you finished your affair. Did he catch you or did you confess? Back to the point. His forgiveness came too easily. It didn't cost you anything. Things that cost nothing are worth nothing, at least in earthly matters. You don't respect your husband. Without respect there can be no love. Personally the best thing for you and your marriage, would have been for him to kick your cheating a$$ out. And then make you work to win back his love. But instead, he forgave you and now you hold him in contempt. Better wise up. A marriage can survive, cheating, it can survive the death of a parent, a sibling, even the death of a child. What it can't survive is contempt. Contempt is what comes after losing respect for you spouse. A couple more questions.

 

Did you have to beg him to take you back? Or did he beg you? Did he out you to all your families and friends. Did he out you at work if it was a work place EA? Did he separate bank accounts and say "If I can't trust you with my heart, I can't trust you with my money.

 

What exactly were the consequences for your cheating? What did it cost you? And please don't come back and say that you have payed some great emotional price in loss of self respect or some other nebulous feeling.

 

You said that you did not want criticism. Lady that's what you need. If you were smart. You would find the most righteous and judgmental person you know. Someone that would hold you to account for the treachery you committed to your husband and your family. The other thing you lack is thankfulness for your husbands forgiveness. Again it came at a cost of nothing so it's worth nothing.

[itspersonal]

lotssunsets,

 

your honesty and your being willing to be so honest with what you see as the truth fits ,,,,I am amazed at the insight and pure truth you speak! you go! It isn't a matter of judgement,,,it is just what it is and if more cheaters could see that,,,maybe healing would be more prevalent.

 

I couldn't agree with you more...Destiny, my husband hasn't had sex with me since the make up sex 4 months ago...can't even kiss me decently and it has been so destructive...I can tell you from the other side that if you continue on the path you are on,,,you will lose your husband forever...him forgiving you was love,,your shutting him out whether it be purposeful or not is just another full on rejection of his love and goodness. No he isn't perfect but who is,,,what he is,,,forgiving, willing and loving you through something you did that is so destructive to the soul it is unbelievable. I am ready to walk away,,,had my husband handled it better,,,reached out, been willing to love me the way I deserved, did everything in his power sexually and otherwise to correct his grave error, we may have made it and been happy,,,but like you he isn't able,,,Now I feel nothing really except pain! Good luck to you and even tho lotsun's words hurt and sting,,,HEAR THEM if you want to make your marriage better

[AnthonyF]

You go on as if it was an Affair...... It was not. I was Emotional. Quot equating Physical with emotional. The problem is they have ignored each other too long and she uses to old "emotional" or "not tending to my needs" card too easily. My question is the comments about Orgasms and how she questions that and the attraction from day one.

 

They are at least seeing a councelor, but have tremendous work to do....

[Owl]

Here's something to consider...my wife and I went through something very similar 5 years ago.

 

We DID manage to recover our marriage.

 

But I know for sure that she suffered some of the very same issues that you are dealing with as well. She wasn't sure that she COULD recommit to the marriage. As far as your "o" problem...well...we didn't even attempt that for until she decided to recommit...about two months after her affair ended.

 

Not saying that you're wrong for doing so...just pointing out to you that your response is hardly unique.

 

Nor is it a death sentence for your marriage. It is possible for a marriage to recover.

 

But it is going to take WORK, and EFFORT on both parts. And frankly, there's no garauntee that EITHER of you are going to want to keep fighting for it...at some point, your husband could decide that he can't take it anymore, and end it on his side. He'd be within his rights to do so...and if he's fighting his butt off and still not making any headway with you, could you blame him?

 

For now...stick with it.

 

Be HONEST with him about what you're feeling, what you're going through. Truly work with the MC to try to deal with this.

 

I want to ask...is full blown NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN in place with OM? If not..there's a huge roadblock to any kind of possible recovery. NO contact of any kind whatsoever has to be there, or you're just wasting your time in trying to fix anything in your marriage.

 

Do a search for my name for posts back in the Oct 04 timeframe, see if you can find my story.

[Destiny28]

Thank you for the posts thus far...

 

I know there is A LOT of work to be done to fix what I have already damaged... As stated we are currently in MC and I am in IC as well. We both are trying to recommit to our marriage. There a LONG road ahead of us and I realize that.

 

 

I guess sometimes I have a hard time being honest with my feelings towards my husband because I feel like I'm going to hurt him even more than the pain I've already caused him. I guess I've always kept my emotions/feelings all "bottled up" because I was taught this as a child to never talk about my feelings. That's a whole different subject. I need to learn to open up and express my emotions and be honest no matter what. Easier said than done but must learn to conquer this.

 

As far as NO CONTACT we have established this. My husband has access to my cell and e-mail acct. The OM has been deleted from my life permanently.

 

I wish I never put myself, my husband, and my family in this position. I was an idiot and selfish for not communicating my needs to my husband and instead had an EA. I know it was a lesson to be learned and hope our marriage survives!

 

Owl, thanks and I will view your post of the similar situation.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Your analysis about why I cringe during sex is good however I'm not sure if it fits my criteria. I don't feel I'm cheating on the OM because he is with somebody else. The OM has fault's of his own that are not worth mentioning. I don't want to belong to or be with this OM so I don't think consciously or subconsciously I feel like I am cheating on him as you described. It obviously isn't about him anyway but about me and to quit being so selfish and "buck up!" I need to fix my marriage that I have destroyed. Thank you though for your input.

 

I think you are not attracted to your Husband because you have not forgiven him. You resent the fact that he has not taken care of your emotional needs, and you still don't trust that he will in the future.

 

If he is doing the right things... then you need to let go. He should be able to make you feel beautiful and sexy, but he can't as long as you resent him.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Destiny28]

Wow! Untouchable_Fire.... I think you just hit the nail on the head! Never thought about that before.... I think I just need to continue working on explaining to him what emotional needs I feel are "lacking" as he should let me know how he feels as well! Thanks much!

 

I just don't want him to become more upset with me if I'm like, "I wish you would do this more and this more" but if that's what it takes.... I feel like I'm nagging. I just have to work on using a better approach in my communication skills. I already feel guilty for the pain I've caused him and then to go off saying, "Please compliment me daily. Please admire me." You think it's too soon to be requesting this or should I give him some time?

 

Our MC suggested we give each other 2 compliments daily. I did today. His direct quote was, "Thank you. I'll see you in the sack tonight." I just wanted a compliment in return. His way I think of showing me affection or love is through sex. I explained to him I like to be shown a little love, affection, admiration first allowing me to feel intimate and close to him. I will discuss this with him again but again I feel like the NAGGY wife and I'm the one who did WRONG in the first place.

[jnj express]

Hey destiny---you may not get compliments in return, you should be happy he is talking to you at all, do you have any idea of the pain you have brought into his life. You should thank your lucky stars you still have a mge., and a H. even willing to attempt R. with you, This is a very hard time for your H., and his emotions are everywhere, and may continue to be everywhere for a couple of years, You are the one that has to earn you way back into the mge. Don't expect him to go out of his way to keep you happy, he may just not be able to at this point. As to the lack of satisfactory emotion you need from your H., why couldn't you have spent ALL the time , that was spent with your Affair partner, working on your marital problems. Why couldn't you kick your H. in the pants and yell at him you are not satisfying me, this mge is lacking, and has problems, Your H. is the one you took vows with, not this guy who you shared intimate secrets and desires with. Go back to the beginning, when you and your H. dated, courted, include the early part of your mge., was there no passion then, and if not WHY did you get married. Your EA partner has done nothing but whisper sweet nothings and things you wanted for validation, did he ever solve any real time problems, like paying bills, making ends meet, who takes the car in for servicing, who goes to school to meet with the teachers, who stays home if repairs on the house need to be made. Did your EA partner do any of that. Guess what your emotionless Husband did all that, only someone who loves his partner very deeply does those kinds of things, tho they are taken for granted, THAT IS WHAT MARRIED LIFE IS FOR A MGE., THAT HAS BEEN AROUND FOR A WHILE. I will tell you one thing, you have no conception of what you have done to your H., in re: pain, trust, living life, the days of basic enjoyment without hurt and pain are gone from him forever.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just don't want him to become more upset with me if I'm like, "I wish you would do this more and this more" but if that's what it takes.... I feel like I'm nagging. I just have to work on using a better approach in my communication skills. I already feel guilty for the pain I've caused him and then to go off saying, "Please compliment me daily. Please admire me." You think it's too soon to be requesting this or should I give him some time?

 

As you just alluded to being naggy is about how you communicate something, not what you communicate.

 

You have to tell him. Guys are dense, and you may have to tell him 50 times this year before it sinks in... and it will be hard to keep telling him in a way that makes him want to listen, but you have to do it. We men express love through sex. He thinks that it all you need, because that is what he needs.

 

This is a learned behavior, and he just needs to put in the effort to do it. He probably thinks this stuff every time he sees you... he needs to verbalize it. The toughest part is that due to the emotional affair he probably thinks this stuff less. Maybe put the desire to be admired on a backburner. Talk to your marriage counselor about this for better advice.

 

Also, I would suggest adding in some kind of request that he show appreciation for you.

[Owl]

Excellent posts, UTF. I agree with all that you've said.

 

As a "dense guy", I have a suggestion on how to communicate with your H.

 

Most men communicate (both listen and hear) in a completely different fashion than most women.

 

Women lead up to the point that they're trying to make...especially if it's an emotionally sensitive issue. They'll preface what they want to say, then delicately enter into the subject. And, they hear and understand things in a similar fashion.

 

Men...are different. We communicate in a very "bluff" way. Bottomline Up Front.

 

When you want to say something to him, say it. Get his attention, look him in the eyes, and start out with the message you want to get across. Add three to five supporting sentences, then repeat the main point of the message. Then pause, and let him process.

 

It sounds silly, but you'll be amazed at how much more he'll "hear" that way.

[FromI]

Destiny, how is it going? Are you feeling better? Did the attraction for your husband come back at all?

 

I am in a similar situation, only I have sinned much more and for much longer time and had EA and PA for over 2 years with a unmarried man (with whom I was ready to and almost did leave everything I have).

I am in NC for over 1 month only, but it is killing and I wonder if I will ever be attracted again to my husband. Is there any hope?

[Destiny28]

Hi FromI! It's going.... It's been one tough road. I have caused a lot of pain and hurt. Just when I think I'm doing so much better there are those days where I feel like I'm back pedaling. It's frustrating. I have been in no contact with the OM for over 2 mo's and plan on keeping it that way indefinately! I think once I got over the whole withdrawal stage I saw the FLIPPIN light and realized the damage I had done to my marriage! Your most likely still going through that stage and it's a very tough one! It's truly like an addiction! I'm not going to lie and say I don't think about the OM from time to time because it does happen but I no longer OBSESS over it like I used to! As for the attraction part, it has come back in most respects. I think a piece of me still holds onto that resentment I feel for my husband not meeting my emotional needs but I have come to understand that if you don't communicate this then it's your own fault! We can't expect our spouses to be MIND READER'S. We need to tell them what we need as they need to do the same!

 

My husband and I continue to work on our relationship. It has been difficult at times. I have been going to IC myself. We did go together but he felt he didn't need to go any longer and I should continue if I felt I needed to, which I have. I ask him how he feels about "US" and he says, "I trust you." He really doesn't like to discuss what has happened although I do (typical woman) because I want to make sure it doesn't happen again and hope our marriage can maybe grow from this selfish act I have inflicted on our marriage.

 

All in all, I have realized I can't expect other people to make me happy! It's nobody's job to make me happy but my own! There is ALWAYS hope but you need to give 100% back to your marriage and work even harder than you ever have before if you want to make it work! I'm a work in progress!

[65tr6]

I think once I got over the whole withdrawal stage I saw the FLIPPIN light and realized the damage I had done to my marriage! Your most likely still going through that stage and it's a very tough one! It's truly like an addiction! !

 

destiny....i remember seeing your thread. My wife is about six months ahead of you. I asked her the other day "how is it going ?" and she says...."much better". Very different answer from what i heard about 6 months ago.

 

You are correct. It is an addiction. As a BS dealing with WWs going through withdrawl is very frustrating.

 

 

if you don't communicate this then it's your own fault! We can't expect our spouses to be MIND READER'S. We need to tell them what we need as they need to do the same! !

 

Correction. Communication is not the problem. You not being happy is. Good news is you dont need others to make you happy, you can find it on your own. Dont have to depend on others for it. Good communication never solves problems may actually even make it worse talking about it.......You dont want to talk about problems instead focus on the good things in your marriage. This could very well mean taking charge of your (inner) self and working on YOU and on your relationship. I am not sure if your IC is helping you in that regard...I hope it is.

 

All in all, I have realized I can't expect other people to make me happy! It's nobody's job to make me happy but my own! !

 

EXACTLY. Get your self-esteem, confidence back by doing things on your own. Set little goals (SPECIFIC goals) for yourself and start working on them. Slowly build your confidence and gain happiness from it. The positives will overwhelm the negatives in your marriages. You can never get rid of problems but you can always minimize their impact.

[65tr6]

I am in NC for over 1 month only, but it is killing and I wonder if I will ever be attracted again to my husband. Is there any hope?

 

FromI, can you start you own thread ? ...that way you will get many more responses specific to your situation.

 

Question

 

1) Have you confessed to your husband about the affair ?

 

It is ALMOST impossible to do this on your own. For starters, you are not being open and honest with your husband about what happened (i am assuming you have not told your husband anything about the A).

 

What is your situation ?

[FromI]

Thanks 65. I probably should start my own thread...but just can't find the courage yet... and I am just spending time reading what others have to say about their experiences

 

My husband knows... for a year now (I got caught). I tried NC a few times and it never worked out (because of me and my fear to lose the OM for another woman, he is single)... trying NC again now... My husband and I are are both trying harder now, but my feelings are not changing, my attraction to my husband either... I guess I need more time.

 

I am not going to "steal" Destiny's thread so won't talk more about me. I am glad to see other WS able to recover and fall back in love with their husbands... and just hope it will come to me too...

[Owl]

Stop "trying NC".

 

NC is a "for life" thing. Trying doesn't mean ANYTHING.

 

Take ACTIVE MEASURES TO END CONTACT AND PREVENT IT FROM RESUMING.

 

And realize that this is FOR LIFE...regardless of whether or not you remain married to your husband.

 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OM IS DEAD AND GONE...and if you view this as anything other than that, you are doomed to fail...NC will always prove to be impossible for you.

 

Read my signature...the little muppet had it right all along.

[Destiny28]

FromI you are not "stealing" my thread. It's totally fine. I think we all learn and receive some helpful advice from others so it's a good thing...

 

I 100% agree with Owl. When you say NC it means FOR LIFE! The OM is DEAD to you from now on! He no longer exists. Unfortunately you will experience mourning for this OM and I'm sure it really hurts your H when he has to watch and experience this with you but it is something that must happen in order for you to move on with your life!

 

The OM was single? I can relate as my OM was single too. It is difficult to break NC because you are afraid to lose them but girl I'm telling you that is EXACTLY what you need to do! He was NEVER yours to have to begin with as you were never his! He was/is a threat to your M. You really have to fully re-invest in your M if that is what you truly want! Again NC is your answer to making it work!

 

During the beginning of my withdrawal stage there were several times I thought about re-contacting the OM again. I just wanted a little quick "hit." He was my drug of choice. I realized however I was ADDICTED to how he made me feel and didn't want to lose those "in love" feelings! I'm so glad however that I did remain strong and now that I look back (after the fog disappeared) I think, "Wow, was I messed up for awhile. What did I just do?" When I did have those feelings of wanting to contact the OM I rationalized why was I feeling that way? After I figured out what was missing or what I was needing I put those feelings towards my relationship with my H, and recommitted to my M.

 

Again it's only been 4 wks for you so most likely you aren't out of the "fog" yet! Especially since this went on for over 2 yrs. Give yourself some time. I journaled quite a bit and it seemed to help me! Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or chat!

[dobler33]

i am a little disturbed, as a feminist, by how many people are attacking this woman for her apparent "failure" to be attracted to her H. just wanna put that out there.

[Owl]

I find it equally disturbing that someone with a degree in psychoanalysis doesn't appear to understand basic relationship dynamics.

 

The OP isn't able to reconnect with her H because she's still emotionally investing in her affair partner.

 

People here are telling her that the only way she CAN emotionally reconnect with her H...the only way she'll become attracted to him again...is to stop emotionally investing in the other person.

 

I don't care one whit about feminism...it's irrelevent here. This would apply if it were a man coming here with this problem, or a woman. It's got nothing to do with this thread.

[dobler33]

I find it equally disturbing that someone with a degree in psychoanalysis doesn't appear to understand basic relationship dynamics.

 

The OP isn't able to reconnect with her H because she's still emotionally investing in her affair partner.

 

People here are telling her that the only way she CAN emotionally reconnect with her H...the only way she'll become attracted to him again...is to stop emotionally investing in the other person.

 

I don't care one whit about feminism...it's irrelevent here. This would apply if it were a man coming here with this problem, or a woman. It's got nothing to do with this thread.

 

 

oh my, owl, i didn't say i didn't understand why she might not be attracted - i went through the self-same thing coming out of my A and for all the reasons people have suggested here. i'm just making an observation about the kind of confrontational and faulting evaluation made about women who aren't feeling it for their partners - not just on here but in western culture in general. wrote my dissertation on a similar subject, the history of the popular conception of female desire and its current socio-political incarnations, and "frigidity" was a big part of that, so i just have my ears pricked for these sorts of things. take a breath, my dear. i promise i'm not a moron.

[Owl]

But again...this has NOTHING to do with her being female.

 

This issue...and the fixes recommended...are the same as would be recommended if the OP were a man.

 

Why make this a sexism thing when it clearly isn't?

[HsMomma]

This issue...and the fixes recommended...are the same as would be recommended if the OP were a man.

 

Why make this a sexism thing when it clearly isn't?

 

You're absolutely right, Owl. Gender has nothing to do with this. If a man came in & said he couldn't find his wife attractive after an A, the advice would indeed be the same. I have to say, having been on the receiving end of it, if you can't find him/her attractive again, and can't get past the emotional ties to the AP, give your h (or W, as the case may be) a chance to move on with their own lives. I for one don't wish to be married to someone who has to 'force' being attracted to me.