Need some

[Ayla]

So - 3.5 weeks ago my bf broke up with me out of the blue. There were no warning signs at all. In fact 2 days before we broke up we were talking about the next year or so and our holidays. We have been together for just under 2 years and were living together in a country that was not our home country. 3 days after we broke up he slept with someone else - just sex. The day after he slept with her was the last time I saw him and spoke to him. On that day he was so mean to me and so cold...not the person he was 2 days before we broke up and not the person he was on the day we broke up. I left the country the next day (as it is a small country and everyone knows everyone)

 

Out of anger I told him that I hated him and that I did not want him to contact me. Since the day I last saw him - I ahve not heard form him at all.

 

I am now waiting at the airport (after spending the last 3 weeks with my parents in the country they are living in) and about to fly back to my home country. I am so sad, and I feel like I am breaking. I am also so scared about moving back to my home country.

 

Why won't he contact me? Did I really mean that little to him? I have nto been sleeping well, even sleeping tablet have not helped. I am dreaming of him every night. Leaving my parents has been like a knife being stabbed in cos it is like I am leaving this area for good.

 

Please help me.

[Island Girl]

Okay it's kind of confusing.

 

You were living in another country with your boyfriend.

 

You are now moving back to your "home country" but both of those are different from the country where your parents live?

 

Wow. Then why would you not stay in the country where your parents are and have some much needed support right now?

 

Who is going to be in your "home country" to give you the support you so desperately need right now?

 

And is that the same country where your boyfriend has gone back to?

[Ayla]

Sorry for the confusion. We lived in country A (I just left there 3 weeks ago), my parents live in country B (where I have been staying for the last 3 weeks) and we originally are from country C (where I arrived this morning).

 

The country my parents live in was like limbo. In my home country (country C) I have my friends and my brother.

 

My bf has stayed in country A. It is really strange, I have not heard from him (but he knows he hurt me badly and is prob too embarrassed to contact me, and I did tell him not to call) - but it still hurts a lot. As far as I know he has not been home much. My friends say that he is very quiet and not his usual self. he also does not look great.

 

I wish I had not said what I did in anger. I miss him and now I am so much further away from him. I wish I could do something to fix it.

[twicebitten]

... I'm so sorry to hear of your sitch!! It does sound confusing & hurtful & I don't have answers, but just wanted to lend my support to you!!

 

My ex BF, as well was running so hot-&-cold right before the break-up ... talking moving-in, marriage, etc., ... then BAM he turned COLD!!

 

I'd say to maybe write him a note, letter, or email and explain your side then leave it at that & go NC!! HE needs to make amends if he is willing to reconcile!!

 

Hanf in there sweetie!!

 

XO - TB -

[Island Girl]

In your situation I would write out a letter or an e-mail as the other poster suggested.

 

You have moved. You have told him not to contact you.

So you put him in a position that if he respects you then he must hear your words and follow them.

 

You are the only one who can let him know you are willing to talk now. That time enough has passed and you are willing to see if the two of you can work through this.

 

Who knows what his answer will be. You must be prepared either way.

 

But at least you'll know you let him know the door is open.

 

Hopefully it goes well for you.

[Ayla]

Thanks for your kind words.

 

Well I did write a letter to him (although the country my parents live in is not the most reliable in terms of post) - so I do not even know if he got it. In addition the letter wasn't exactly saying please get in contact with me. It was more of a this is how you have hurt me and how it made me feel type letter. I also let him know that I wanted a real apology form him and then maybe we can talk. As I did not believe he was sorry given how cold her was - although in retospect his coldness the day after sleeping with the chick was most likely him being angry at himself and knowing he did wrong.

 

It has been 3 weeks since that day - should I email him and let him know I would like to talk?

[Island Girl]

You want to talk to him.

 

Although telling him in the letter that you would like an apology IS telling him he can contact you, you are not even sure if he did get the letter. BTW I understand unreliable post services - there have been times when I have sent things to my husband and it doesn't show up for 6 weeks or more.

 

Under the circumstances you want to see if things can be worked out.

 

You WERE in fact broken up when he did this after all.

 

And you want to know where the break up came from, etc.

 

I am not usually the one who would say this but, given your particular circumstances, I would e-mail him.

 

Make sure you read and reread it to say what you want and HOW you want though.

Because you can not keep reaching out.

 

It is kind of a one shot deal. Once you send it -- you must be prepared for him to make contact or not to make contact - and take either possibility as it comes.

 

If he doesn't, you must ready yourself to move on without looking back.

[Ayla]

Well - last night he was on Facebook - his name went into sleep - so I messaged him and said "Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I do not hate you, I said that out of hurt and anger. I miss you and would love to speak to you if that is ok. Hope you are ok. Goodnight. x" I did not hear from him. He changed his FB picture to a photo I have never seen before nad he looks really happy.

 

I gues he does not really care about me, and never did. It really hurts and I never thought he would be like that. I feel like I am breaking and I do not understand how someone can change over night.

[Island Girl]

Oh Ayla

 

I am so sorry.

 

I wouldn't say he never did care.

 

You don't spend that much time and effort for so long because you don't care.

Something changed in him. He only knows why and I am sorry he isn't sharing that with you.

In cases like this - even if he did explain I don't think it would make sense to you.

 

You have to just think of yourself now.

You are in your home country again and establishing a life there again.

You will be creating a whole new world for yourself.

There will be new friends and new people in your life.

 

Try not to look back. Don't stay in the past.

Do the best for yourself and look to your future.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Ayla]

See I am quite sure the reason is commitment phobia. It is the only thing that makes sense. It explains the suddeness, and the reason he gave. It also kinda explains why there were no signs that this was coming. The week before we broke up he told me that "We might not be perfect all the time, but no one is. But what we have is better than most. xox" The same day he sent me to see his Grandpa - the person he thinks most of in the whole wide world. He would not want to hurt his Grandpa by sending his gf over if he was going to break up with her anytime soon.

 

In additon - the day we broke up he said that he wanted to talk to me, and that he would answer any phone calls or sms's. So what I think is that he is honestly weak - and can not face talking to me due to his actions. Although we were broken up (for 3 days) it is a little harsh to sleep with someone else so soon - especially just for sex. He still has all my photos on FB. He still has to send me some stuff, so he has to have contact with me.

 

I really do think it is that he is weak. Or is that silly?

 

I am trying to focus on ym life back in my home country. I have at least one job interview this week. I am going to see a counsellor next week and I am trying to keep busy catching upi with friends. So I am trying..but it is so hard not to miss him.

 

Thank you for your kind words. They are helping.

[Island Girl]

I think you mattered to him. I think he really cared about you and your time together was not a lie.

 

Whatever happened - he'd have to explain.

But as far as being commitment phobic I'm really not sure.

I mean you weren't about to get married or anything. Nothing was really changing or pushing toward more commitment at that point.

Unfortunately he is the only one who can explain why he flipped.

 

If he does need to send you some things then you more than likely will be in touch.

I hope he is respectful to you in that way and sends you what he is supposed to. I am assuming he is sending you some of your things?

 

You may have it right about his weakness. He may be ashamed of himself at making such a decision.

And yes, it is quite fast to sleep with someone else.

Even if he doesn't think so he knew you would.

 

I am glad you are staying busy with the job hunt and catching up with your old friends.

Seeing a counselor to work through some of this is also a great idea.

 

Were you planning this move before all of this happened?

It just seems you got a lot of things together in such a short time.

[Ayla]

His reasoning to me was that he did not want to be responsible to someone else. Ie - call if he was running late. He did not want to have to compromise on things that he did not think were important. So whilst he might love me, he did not want to have to "change". As my Dad says - he has been a bachelor for so long (he is 37) and is so stuck in his ways, that he found it very hard to do anything but what he is used to. My Dad knew my ex quite well. I know - very selfish. Apparently this is classic commitment phobia...

 

He will send me the stuff - it was a few things that I forgot to pack. Originally my friend was meant to send them to me. But he asked her if he could send them.

 

No - we were not planning to move anytime soon - although we were looking at other countries to move to some time this year....especially since I was find it very difficult to find work. I know it was a very short time, we broke up and 5 days later I left the country...all of our furniture came with the house. So it was mainly personal stuff that I had to pack. I just had to get out of there, I was so hurt and embarrassed. he did not tell anyone - including his parents and our friends. Even 2 weeks after he had not told anyone, and when people asked how I was he replied "She is good".

 

Yo

[Ayla]

You are right, he si the only one who really know. One thing I do know is that he will regret it at some point, and by then hopefully I will be strong enough to think of myself.

[NinaP]

Hi Ayla

I just wanted to tell you i know how u feel and i think when ppl say that on this forum its the truth...

 

my boyfriend broke up with me 2mnths ago..after nealry 2 years of a loving relationship to tell me he wasnt sure if he was ready?? and he didnt want to be responsible for anyone...out of his feeling of being trapped and scared....unfortunately he did not tell me in honesty instead i had to find out he was texting some girl he graduated high school with ( he is now 27!) he assured me it was only talking which i believe as we practiclly lived togther but i dunno...he said he did it to prove he still could do what he wantd....

 

i thinkpart of it is commitment, but whatever the reasons it is SELFISH

 

the point is its been 2 months and we have talked this issue out to death. and i stilld ont have any of the answers i want im still so hurt and confused and i miss himevery moment. he tell me he loves me and he misses me and wants the realtionship but then on then on the flip side he tell me he cant be what i want right now...after 2 years???? either he is lying to ease his guilt or he is genuinally confused, but the point is il never know why nor will i understand the more he shares with me the more i get hurt so iv started no contact i have to focus on me now. he is the one withthe issues.

 

i just wantd to tell u even if u do talk to ur ex i dont think u will get the answers u want, nothing changes the fact they still chose not to work on a relatuionship with us, thats allthe information we have actions speak so much louder than words....

and i think the worst part is u sit there and rack ur brains trying to make sense my ex was simlar to urs i was aprt of his family he told me he didnt have much left to acomplish he had his house his girl....i honestly believe men tend to be alot more irratiional then girls, they get scared and freak out instead of maturely working through the probelm its easier to walk away.....

 

like u i know my ex misses me and of course urs misses u and he will regret this, if he were to come back i hope my feelings and urs have faded and we can tell them where to go....but do i even want someone that did this to me? that was so unsure to walk away? i dont think so...and u have to ask urself that too, he walked away this time and slept with someone so soon is this thetyope of guy u see urself with?

 

ul be ok sweetie as i know i will be, mourn it of course, but look after no 1 now.

 

if u still feel u need that coversation think beforehand what exactly u need to know to get closure cos as soon as u put down the fone another question comes up and u get urself into a self destructive pattern ( i made this mistake). i just dont want u to feel worse than u already do...

 

and stay postive u will find someone who can love u like u deserve xx