imani Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I also am unable to tell to what extent I am affected by emotional issues and to what extent I am just having bad luck with men. I guess that if one of the men that I wanted truly wanted me and then I got sick of him after being in a relationship then I would know that I have issues. But I haven't had a luxury of experiencing that. As for getting over someone that you see every day it is IMPOSSIBLE. Even after knowing what I know about my boss, his presence still affects me much more than I would like. I am just not able to think myself into getting over someone. My feelings are not rational in the first place so I don't see how I can get out of them by being rational. I know that he doesn't like me, that he is bad for me etc but it doesn't help. It's also puzzling how I am now hanging out with someone who is much better looking than my boss, who likes the same things as me, who is funny and interesting and finds me funny and interesting and yet I feel nothing for him. Blue, perhaps your situation could be wanting someone you can't have. Do you consider the boss a "challenge"?
Trialbyfire Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I wish everyone settled... it'd make all my cases much easier than this whole "going to trial" hassle. Black's definition of going to trial = Lucrative. Emotionally unavailable men aren't a challenge. They're a form of self-sabotage and self-hatred.
imani Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Yes. Time does fly by. When I think about how I JUST got over my college bf, the one I met when I was 18, it makes me realize I could easily be 30 and in the same place I am now, pining over Jack - or someone else who'd never want me. But it's hard to tell which issues are my "issues", and which are just life not unfolding the way I want. Do I want Jack because Jack doesn't want me? Or do I want Jack because I want Jack? In my heart I lean toward the latter. There are qualities he has that the Mikes and Rylans really don't. But if I choose to overlook the big glaring fact of HE DOESN'T LIKE ME, there's something wrong with that too. If anything, I think my problem is not in my choice of guys to fall for, but how persistently I remain felled. I still don't really understand the art of getting over somebody. Especially when that somebody is someone you see every single fcvking day. It is hard to move on from a crush you see everyday. When you work with them you see them 5 days out of a week. They're a constant, of some sort, in your life. This is why some people, if they can, just move on to a better situation for themselves. Try the advice given to BEG in one of her other posts; make your crush less important. Mentally bring their value down.
Star Gazer Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I wish everyone settled... it'd make all my cases much easier than this whole "going to trial" hassle. Ooohhhh, not me!!! I heart trial!
shadowplay Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Spookie, I have the same problem. The handful of guys I felt that instant chemistry with didn't want me. I'm doubtful about whether I wanted them because they didn't want me as I often mistook their demeanor for flirtation. In fact, it was this very demeanor that sometimes made me notice them to begin with! Apparently I'm a poor judge of who likes me. Also, there's no one personality type I'm drawn to. These men had little in common with each other aside from being reasonably smart, confident and cute. This has left me with the feeling that I'm undesirable to anyone worthy. As I've never had a relationship with a guy whom I strongly desired, I have no clue how close my fantasy of these men is to the reality. Even discovering I'm way off might come as something of a relief. This is the song playing on my ipod now: Another great version by Judi Dench (I love the way she exclaims "DON'T bother!"): These lines in particular hit home: Making my entrance again with my usual flair Sure of my lines No one is there (Discovered the first singer through Susan Boyle and her)
shadowplay Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Truly, some days I do regret it and other days I don't. My husband is everything I thought he would be. No one has more integrity. He's kind, trustworthy, smart, and an amazing father. At the same time, when I hear about other couples going on vacation together, I cry. With us, it is just travelling with someone who is a good companion. The whirlpool tub in our honeymoon suite went to waste. And any moonlit walk we've ever taken on the beach has been a dead end. I wish my parents wouldn't offer to take the kids for the night. It just highlights how when we're alone together no matter how great the conversation, how romantic the atmosphere, how good the food or the wine, we go home to opposite sides of the bed. Or else we try and get physical but it makes me feel terrible. Perhaps ours is an extreme case though. This is just my experience, and it needn't be yours. Reminds me of the film "Voyage to Italy."
shadowplay Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I have to agree with Spookie that it's not really about sexual chemistry. Like her, I can feel that with almost anybody as long as they're in reasonable shape. It's about some elusive emotional connection that is hard to pinpoint. Just last night I had a dream about this guy whom I've never met but had that feeling with. I KNOW the feeling like the back of my hand, just haven't found it reciprocated.
Isolde Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 I have to agree with Spookie that it's not really about sexual chemistry. Like her, I can feel that with almost anybody as long as they're in reasonable shape. It's about some elusive emotional connection that is hard to pinpoint. Just last night I had a dream about this guy whom I've never met but had that feeling with. I KNOW the feeling like the back of my hand, just haven't found it reciprocated. You could have lots in common w/ someone, even finish each other's sentences, but if that emotional connection isn't there, it might still feel like something is missing.
Author spookie Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 It is a feeling. I can't explain it, but I know when it's there. But I don't think "emotional connection" is the right word. What kind of emotional connection do I have to my boss? Does SP have to that guy she was obsessed with last summer, or BEG to her MM? It's definitely a feeling though. And it's either there, or it's not. I'm just wondering if I should stop chasing it. It hasn't brought me anything worthwhile, just tons of heartbreak and pain.
Author spookie Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 I don't know what to do about Jack. I'm starting to side with BEG and Irish Car Bomb, in thinking as long as I stay there, I won't be able to get over him. As BEG said, feelings aren't rational, so how am I supposed to use rationality to think them away? This is how my days currently go. I come in at 9 and go to my desk. Jack's usually in meetings the first couple of hours of the day, so my mornings, at least, are peaceful. I listen to the Jeffs, who sit behind me, chat about some fantasy sports crap. At 11 or so, Jack pops into our bay. He ignores me, heading first toward the Jeffs. The same fantasy sports conversation I heard 2 hours ago is relived. I hear about their plans for the weekend. Then Jack heads further back, toward Kelly. Kelly's a couple of years older than Jack (and about 12 years older than me) and she's married with children, but that's never stopped them from flirting. Her laugh is loud and tinkly, just like a bell, and his... well, his makes my heart melt. When it's directed at me. But it's not. He's laughing at her, with her, and he's got that kind, gentle, you;re-so-amazing expression on his face that I never get from him anymore, and as the minutes drag on, I soundlessly start to cry. BEG, I can't imagine what you went through when you realized your boss was having an affair with that other woman. I don't think Jack and Kelly are sleeping together, as I'm pretty sure she's a devoted wife (at least, she's a devout Christian) but I know that he likes her. And that's painful enough. I don't know what to do. This company is such a good fit for me career-wise right now, but each day I spend there is emotional torture. I've been there a year. How many more can I take?
Land Shark Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Toughen up, Spookie. This stuff gets to you so much because you let it. You need to remind yourself what your priorities are and those should be the things you obsess about. You can't let some guy who has nothing to offer jerk you around without even trying. What if he had actually tried to jerk you around? I happens. You'd be completely non-functional. You have a life to live and a career to manage. You're fortunate that your job take up only a fraction of your capacity, or you would have been let go long ago. I think deep down you know you've got a good thing going where you work. Don't take it for granted. Make the most of it. Leave your personal life at the door.
Author spookie Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Toughen up, Spookie. This stuff gets to you so much because you let it. You need to remind yourself what your priorities are and those should be the things you obsess about. You can't let some guy who has nothing to offer jerk you around without even trying. What if he had actually tried to jerk you around? I happens. You'd be completely non-functional. You have a life to live and a career to manage. You're fortunate that your job take up only a fraction of your capacity, or you would have been let go long ago. I think deep down you know you've got a good thing going where you work. Don't take it for granted. Make the most of it. Leave your personal life at the door. I'm ... trying. I'm managing fine with managing the career (at least, I think) but it's been really hard for me to have a life, when I spend all my feelings on this Jack thing. I just. freaking. wish. He weren't my boss. Anyone but him would be better.
Author spookie Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Does this guy have a ten inch ding dong? I don't know. Probably not. He's pretty short and he's got very small hands.
Jake Barnes Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I don't know. Probably not. He's pretty short and he's got very small hands. I know someone perfect for you He lives by Wrigley Field
Land Shark Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I'm ... trying. I'm managing fine with managing the career (at least, I think) but it's been really hard for me to have a life, when I spend all my feelings on this Jack thing. I just. freaking. wish. He weren't my boss. Anyone but him would be better. Some day you'll get disgusted and exhausted and you'll figure out how easy it is to just not care about him anymore. You'll just decide to knock it off. And that will be that. Then maybe you'll see what a waste of time and energy this all has been.
Author spookie Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 I know someone perfect for you He lives by Wrigley Field Does he have a ten-inch dong?
Art_Critic Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Does he have a ten-inch dong? Word is that is seems to actually be a 3 inch hemorrhoid instead .. still interested ?..
Author spookie Posted April 23, 2009 Author Posted April 23, 2009 Word is that is seems to actually be a 3 inch hemorrhoid instead .. still interested ?.. Now i'm scared.
Sibyl Vane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Some day you'll get disgusted and exhausted and you'll figure out how easy it is to just not care about him anymore. You'll just decide to knock it off. And that will be that. Then maybe you'll see what a waste of time and energy this all has been. Hopefully that some day comes before Spook has put her career at this particular company in danger. It would be a shame.
CommitmentPhobe Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Hopefully that some day comes before Spook has put her career at this particular company in danger. It would be a shame. Wouldn't be such a bad thing, I think spookie harbours secret ambitions to become an actress.
Sibyl Vane Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Wouldn't be such a bad thing, I think spookie harbours secret ambitions to become an actress. Actually, I think she'd be better off as an author.
MN randomguy Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 If anything, I think my problem is not in my choice of guys to fall for, but how persistently I remain felled. I still don't really understand the art of getting over somebody. Especially when that somebody is someone you see every single fcvking day. I am not an expert on it.. But, you do need to be intentional on getting over Jack. If you can get a lateral move, internal or external. Maybe even a slightly worse job that still might be worth it. But, try not to put so much mental effort into Jack. You do need to take him off of a pedestal. Good gosh, he's a Carny for Cripes sake. You're a one man kinda woman. You're not going to feel anything for anyone until after you're done feeling for him. This is a double edged sword. Unrequited is extra painful, but if you can find someone who is good for you that you are into and is into you you'll stay felled for him.
Trialbyfire Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 I am not an expert on it.. But, you do need to be intentional on getting over Jack.I agree with this. If you can get a lateral move, internal or external. Maybe even a slightly worse job that still might be worth it.I disagree that any move is necessary. If you use a little self-discipline, firstly, it would never have gotten to this level of obsession in an unrequited scenario, next, it's very possible to get over someone, even seeing them daily. But, try not to put so much mental effort into Jack. You do need to take him off of a pedestal. Good gosh, he's a Carny for Cripes sake.This is true too. No one belongs on a pedestal. You're a one man kinda woman. You're not going to feel anything for anyone until after you're done feeling for him. This is a double edged sword. Unrequited is extra painful, but if you can find someone who is good for you that you are into and is into you you'll stay felled for him.If spookie is a one man woman, I agree. I'm not convinced she is though. I think spookie is obsessed because she can't get him. If she did, I think he'd be road kill unless she can change her interest in emotionally unavailable men.
MN randomguy Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 The first six weeks we dated there was definite chemistry, but for me, it faded away after that. It got more and more clear that we had some serious bedroom incompatibilities, but by then I was very emotionally attached to him. I guess at that time in my life there were things I needed from the relationship much more than sex. But, there was chemistry for the first 6 weeks. Isn't this different than going on a first date with someone that you're not totally hot for? Seems that you had that heat, went for it, had sex fairly early into the relationship and expected it to always be like that. Then, after the fire died the Oxytocin (see my post in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t186436/ ) kicked in and you were emotionally bonded. Now, here you are years later. What have you done to try to improve your sex life?
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