Type 2 error?

[BlueEyedGirl]

If cheating and chasing married men is good hearted core, count me out!

 

I have never actually cheated and don't chase married men. I had a strong attraction to one MM which is not something I could help and I didn't do it on purpose. Even still, I have never told him about it or tried to seduce him in any way so I don't see how I am chasing anyone.

[MN randomguy]

If physical attraction is a reason to abandon all logic maybe you should chase married men. Then, you could be the OW in that area of the forums. Which, as one can tell by a cursory glance, doesn't really end well.

[IrishCarBomb]

He has probably won you over by treating you well compared how others before him have treated you.. BUT this is still no substitute for real passion.

 

This is only true if you know what SG is feeling. Do you think she is lying to herself about her feelings toward her boyfriend? Or, is her passion any less real because of the way the relationship started?

[Trialbyfire]

I have never actually cheated and don't chase married men. I had a strong attraction to one MM which is not something I could help and I didn't do it on purpose. Even still, I have never told him about it or tried to seduce him in any way so I don't see how I am chasing anyone.

That phrase just nailed it for me. You take no responsibility for your actions.

[Star Gazer]

Sometiems the very absence of red and yellow flags is the red flag in itself.

 

I do not like men with integrity, honour and ethics if they are dull, wooden, strictly politically correct and not willing to make fun of other people with me. I would die of boredom. But I like honesty, loyalty and a good hearted core.

 

You do not seem to get that people can be wild, fun and not politically correct and still be kind and good people.

 

I have integrity, honor, and consider myself to be highly ethical. So is my man. Both of us are far from dull, wooden, boring, or (for the most part) politically correct.

 

Your problem is you equate "not politically correct" with being MORALLY BANKRUPT. There is a HUGE difference.

 

SG, I am sure that you have convinced yourself that you are happy. I can not forget your first posts about the very same guy where you felt very lukewarm about him. You have dated him and another guy at the same time and while you were crazy about the other guy, this one barely registred on your radar. He has probably won you over by treating you well compared how others before him have treated you.. BUT this is still no substitute for real passion.

 

I haven't had to convince myself that I'm happy. I AM happy. Happier than I've ever been in my life, and unfortunately for you, with your attitude, 10x happier than you ever will be.

 

Lukewarm? Perhaps in the first 2 dates. I was uncertain of my BF in the very, very beginning, and found myself looking for reasons NOT to like him. Why? Because he was a good guy, and I didn't feel worthy of him. But luckily, I couldn't find any red flags! Prior to him, I was typically attracted to complete slime, like the guy I was dating when I met my BF. I've since upgraded dramatically, both in who I'm attracted to, and my manner of thinking. I'm waiting for you to do the same.

 

As for passion... you couldn't be more wrong. It certainly wasn't lacking this morning. Or last night. Or all weekend. Or in the last 3-4 months. I'm getting laid on a regular basis, and oooohhh boy, is it GOOD! Again, I'm waiting for you to do the same.

 

Also Isolde and others seem to think that this is it for you SG and TBF. This is really just a point in time where both of you are in relationships that seem to work (or you have convinced yourself that they are working). Who knows what will happen 6 months or a year from now? You both might be posting threads about how it didn't work out because of the very things I am writing now.

 

I haven't convinced myself of anything. I know. I finally understand the whole, "When you know, you just know" concept. If you're as lucky as I am, someday you will too.

[BlueEyedGirl]

That phrase just nailed it for me. You take no responsibility for your actions.

 

Attraction is NOT an action. Effing someone is. See the difference?

[BlueEyedGirl]

I have integrity, honor, and consider myself to be highly ethical. So is my man. Both of us are far from dull, wooden, boring, or (for the most part) politically correct.

 

Your problem is you equate "not politically correct" with being MORALLY BANKRUPT. There is a HUGE difference.

 

 

 

I haven't had to convince myself that I'm happy. I AM happy. Happier than I've ever been in my life, and unfortunately for you, with your attitude, 10x happier than you ever will be.

 

Lukewarm? Perhaps in the first 2 dates. I was uncertain of my BF in the very, very beginning, and found myself looking for reasons NOT to like him. Why? Because he was a good guy, and I didn't feel worthy of him. But luckily, I couldn't find any red flags! Prior to him, I was typically attracted to complete slime, like the guy I was dating when I met my BF. I've since upgraded dramatically, both in who I'm attracted to, and my manner of thinking. I'm waiting for you to do the same.

 

As for passion... you couldn't be more wrong. It certainly wasn't lacking this morning. Or last night. Or all weekend. Or in the last 3-4 months. I'm getting laid on a regular basis, and oooohhh boy, is it GOOD! Again, I'm waiting for you to do the same.

 

 

 

I haven't convinced myself of anything. I know. I finally understand the whole, "When you know, you just know" concept. If you're as lucky as I am, someday you will too.

 

SG, you are right I can not know how you are really feeling. My posts are based on what I have observed when relationships started as yours did. I hope it turns out differently in your case. Good luck.

[Isolde]

Attraction is NOT an action. Effing someone is. See the difference?

 

BEG, I think the only person you're hurting with this MM infatuation is yourself. I believe you when you say you won't act on it. However, it is somewhat disturbing that you think it's ok on principle to cheat with a MM.

[BlueEyedGirl]

BEG, I think the only person you're hurting with this MM infatuation is yourself. I believe you when you say you won't act on it. However, it is somewhat disturbing that you think it's ok on principle to cheat with a MM.

 

This is true Isolde - I am only really hurting myself. I haven't thought it's OK to cheat with MM before I met this guy. While I am not going to do anything about it, unfortunetly if he were to make a move I know that I wouldn't be able to resist. But I do my best to keep my feelings hidden.

[Trialbyfire]

This is true Isolde - I am only really hurting myself. I haven't thought it's OK to cheat with MM before I met this guy. While I am not going to do anything about it, unfortunetly if he were to make a move I know that I wouldn't be able to resist. But I do my best to keep my feelings hidden.

I can read it now. It's all his fault for making a move on me...

[spookie]

I am gone for a couple of days and the popularity of this thread sky-rockets.

 

Or rather, y'all start using it to take stabs at each other.

 

Anyway.

 

Storyrider - do you REGRET your marriage?

 

See, I want to know if everybody settles. If what I am looking for cannot be found.

 

The only guys I feel chemistry for, are the ones who don't want me.

 

If I'm supposed to just pick a good guy to commit to, instead of falling for guys who don't like me repeatedly hoping one will one day will feel the same way, I want to know. I want to know sooner, rather than later, so I can take my time to pick a good mate. So I can start now, while I'm still young, and have my pick of options. If that's all it's about, anyway.

[MN randomguy]

 

If I'm supposed to just pick a good guy to commit to, instead of falling for guys who don't like me repeatedly hoping one will one day will feel the same way, I want to know. I want to know sooner, rather than later, so I can take my time to pick a good mate. So I can start now, while I'm still young, and have my pick of options. If that's all it's about, anyway.

 

 

Golly, That sounds really depressing.

 

I think this is the key:

The only guys I feel chemistry for, are the ones who don't want me.

 

I'd maybe delve into the causality of this. Could it be that the reason you fall for them is that they don't like you? Maybe you can safely not be in a relationship if you focus your attention on something that is futile? I've gotta think you attract a variety of guys. Some wouldn't be your type but, you'd think some should.

[MissConduct]

See, I want to know if everybody settles. If what I am looking for cannot be found.

 

The only guys I feel chemistry for, are the ones who don't want me.

 

 

No way!! Not everyone settles, only some do.

 

You just need to be patient. The guy that you feel chemistry for and who also feels chemistry for you will come. It takes time.

 

Having said that, I hope you don't confuse chemistry with being mistreated. If a guy is not wanting you and somehow rejects you and it makes you want him even more that's something deep rooted that you might have to think about and eventually try to get to the bottom of to correct.

[MissConduct]

I'd maybe delve into the causality of this. Could it be that the reason you fall for them is that they don't like you? Maybe you can safely not be in a relationship if you focus your attention on something that is futile? I've gotta think you attract a variety of guys. Some wouldn't be your type but, you'd think some should.

 

 

Oops, didn't even see this. I suggested the same thing.

 

Sorry for my redundant post above!

[BlueEyedGirl]

Spookie, at 23 I was thinking along the same lines as you. The only men that I TRULY wanted didn't want me. At 30, nothing has changed. To people that say that you have time, all I can say is that time flies by really fast and your choices get more and more limited.

 

If you think that you can be happy with someone that you don't strongly desire on the gut level then by all means give it a go. Lots of women do this and are happy. It is a more realistic and easier path to take.

 

Having said that, I don't regret my choices and all the men I have let go. I am still waiting for the right one. My main point is that realistically, if you don't resolve your emotional issues you are more than likely going to be at the same place at 30 that you are at 23.

[Storyrider]

Storyrider - do you REGRET your marriage?

 

See, I want to know if everybody settles. If what I am looking for cannot be found.

 

The only guys I feel chemistry for, are the ones who don't want me.

 

Truly, some days I do regret it and other days I don't. My husband is everything I thought he would be. No one has more integrity. He's kind, trustworthy, smart, and an amazing father.

 

At the same time, when I hear about other couples going on vacation together, I cry. With us, it is just travelling with someone who is a good companion. The whirlpool tub in our honeymoon suite went to waste. And any moonlit walk we've ever taken on the beach has been a dead end. I wish my parents wouldn't offer to take the kids for the night. It just highlights how when we're alone together no matter how great the conversation, how romantic the atmosphere, how good the food or the wine, we go home to opposite sides of the bed. Or else we try and get physical but it makes me feel terrible.

 

Perhaps ours is an extreme case though. This is just my experience, and it needn't be yours.

[MissConduct]

Wow Storyryder, that is so so sad! Was it always like that? Or did you at some point feel some sort of physical chemsitry for the man?

 

I don't know how you do it? Companionship is great, but a dog and a close girfriend can offer that.

[Storyrider]

Wow Storyryder, that is so so sad! Was it always like that? Or did you at some point feel some sort of physical chemsitry for the man?

 

I don't know how you do it? Companionship is great, but a dog and a close girfriend can offer that.

The first six weeks we dated there was definite chemistry, but for me, it faded away after that. It got more and more clear that we had some serious bedroom incompatibilities, but by then I was very emotionally attached to him. I guess at that time in my life there were things I needed from the relationship much more than sex. And he married me knowing that I wasn't providing what he needed physically. He married me despite that. We had a long engagement, two years, so he wasn't in the dark about how things were. We both overlooked it.

[MissConduct]

The first six weeks we dated there was definite chemistry, but for me, it faded away after that. It got more and more clear that we had some serious bedroom incompatibilities, but by then I was very emotionally attached to him. I guess at that time in my life there were things I needed from the relationship much more than sex. And he married me knowing that I wasn't providing what he needed physically. He married me despite that. We had a long engagement, two years, so he wasn't in the dark about how things were. We both overlooked it.

 

 

It sounds like you compromised a big part of the relationship. I feel so bad for your situation. I can't imagine what it must be like to have made an entire life with someone whom you are missing such a big part of in terms of passion. Regardless of how it subsides over time, there is always remnants there when the chemistry and sexual compatibility among other aspects are there from the get-go.

 

Have you thought about divorcing? I mean the rest of your life is chained to this. Wow. I seriously can't wrap my head around it!

I think women feel like they are not settling because if they pick men who are going to be good husbands and fathers they can overlook their own desires and needs and not see it as a sacrifice in the earlier days. I've seen this happen with women and long term they realize what a huge mistake they made. It seems you may have done that by what you explained.

[xpaperxcutx]

Spookie, I'm younger than you, but I already understand the way you feel about Jack, Mike, etc. The thought of wanting to be with someone who is compatible is intoxicating, but finding the perfect one is also tiring. Yes, there's always the possibility of feeling like you've settled, but then we can't really see the future.

 

I believe most relationship become written in stone because we make it that way. If we strongly focus on little things like " I don't find him attractive", it will come true. What we perceive are always true in our eyes, but not in everyone's.

 

I seen relationships starting out from friendship that never really began with physical attraction. That can come later on. Of course, I never really experienced it personally, and I won't anytime soon. Maybe it's all part of my psyche, but I cannot let go of the idea of not having a physical attraction with anyone. The only time I really overlooked this was when I met my first bf. I was really inexperienced in dating, and I allowed myself to fall for him simply because he was great to me. Was that settling? It was. I suppressed much of the faults he had and turned the other eye when it came to questioning what I really wanted.

 

I don't ever want to be in the position again.

 

I'm not saying I'm shallow, I'm far from that. But I allowed myself to always settle for less, when I know I can have my pick of better options.

[spookie]

Spookie, at 23 I was thinking along the same lines as you. The only men that I TRULY wanted didn't want me. At 30, nothing has changed. To people that say that you have time, all I can say is that time flies by really fast and your choices get more and more limited.

 

If you think that you can be happy with someone that you don't strongly desire on the gut level then by all means give it a go. Lots of women do this and are happy. It is a more realistic and easier path to take.

 

Having said that, I don't regret my choices and all the men I have let go. I am still waiting for the right one. My main point is that realistically, if you don't resolve your emotional issues you are more than likely going to be at the same place at 30 that you are at 23.

 

Yes. Time does fly by. When I think about how I JUST got over my college bf, the one I met when I was 18, it makes me realize I could easily be 30 and in the same place I am now, pining over Jack - or someone else who'd never want me.

 

But it's hard to tell which issues are my "issues", and which are just life not unfolding the way I want. Do I want Jack because Jack doesn't want me? Or do I want Jack because I want Jack? In my heart I lean toward the latter. There are qualities he has that the Mikes and Rylans really don't. But if I choose to overlook the big glaring fact of HE DOESN'T LIKE ME, there's something wrong with that too.

 

If anything, I think my problem is not in my choice of guys to fall for, but how persistently I remain felled.

 

I still don't really understand the art of getting over somebody. Especially when that somebody is someone you see every single fcvking day.

[spookie]

Truly, some days I do regret it and other days I don't. My husband is everything I thought he would be. No one has more integrity. He's kind, trustworthy, smart, and an amazing father.

 

At the same time, when I hear about other couples going on vacation together, I cry. With us, it is just travelling with someone who is a good companion. The whirlpool tub in our honeymoon suite went to waste. And any moonlit walk we've ever taken on the beach has been a dead end. I wish my parents wouldn't offer to take the kids for the night. It just highlights how when we're alone together no matter how great the conversation, how romantic the atmosphere, how good the food or the wine, we go home to opposite sides of the bed. Or else we try and get physical but it makes me feel terrible.

 

Perhaps ours is an extreme case though. This is just my experience, and it needn't be yours.

 

I'm sorry Storyrider.

 

I can't imagine being stuck in that kind of dynamic. I don't think I'm even a good enough person to be able to stay stuck in it.

 

My idea of settling probably is a little less extreme. I'm a sexual person and I think I can get turned on by just about anyone - I don't *need* chemistry, or strong physical attraction.

 

That feeling of going home to opposite sides of the bed, though... I think I understand what you mean. And I bet there's nothing more heartbreaking in the world.

 

That feeling is what I'm most afraid of. If I had to experience it repeatedly I think I would quickly become extremely depressed.

 

And you probably don't need to be lacking just sex to feel it. I think I would feel it just by nature of having settled. Of not being completely satisfied with who I am with.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Yes. Time does fly by. When I think about how I JUST got over my college bf, the one I met when I was 18, it makes me realize I could easily be 30 and in the same place I am now, pining over Jack - or someone else who'd never want me.

 

But it's hard to tell which issues are my "issues", and which are just life not unfolding the way I want. Do I want Jack because Jack doesn't want me? Or do I want Jack because I want Jack? In my heart I lean toward the latter. There are qualities he has that the Mikes and Rylans really don't. But if I choose to overlook the big glaring fact of HE DOESN'T LIKE ME, there's something wrong with that too.

 

If anything, I think my problem is not in my choice of guys to fall for, but how persistently I remain felled.

 

I still don't really understand the art of getting over somebody. Especially when that somebody is someone you see every single fcvking day.

 

I also am unable to tell to what extent I am affected by emotional issues and to what extent I am just having bad luck with men. I guess that if one of the men that I wanted truly wanted me and then I got sick of him after being in a relationship then I would know that I have issues. But I haven't had a luxury of experiencing that.

 

As for getting over someone that you see every day it is IMPOSSIBLE. Even after knowing what I know about my boss, his presence still affects me much more than I would like. I am just not able to think myself into getting over someone. My feelings are not rational in the first place so I don't see how I can get out of them by being rational. I know that he doesn't like me, that he is bad for me etc but it doesn't help.

 

It's also puzzling how I am now hanging out with someone who is much better looking than my boss, who likes the same things as me, who is funny and interesting and finds me funny and interesting and yet I feel nothing for him.

[Trialbyfire]

See, I want to know if everybody settles. If what I am looking for cannot be found.

 

The only guys I feel chemistry for, are the ones who don't want me.

 

If I'm supposed to just pick a good guy to commit to, instead of falling for guys who don't like me repeatedly hoping one will one day will feel the same way, I want to know. I want to know sooner, rather than later, so I can take my time to pick a good mate. So I can start now, while I'm still young, and have my pick of options. If that's all it's about, anyway.

No, not everyone settles. I've never settled...period. It doesn't mean I've always made the wisest of choices but this time around, after some false starts, I believe this choice is a good one.

 

There are no guarantees in life, no matter what choices you make. So, all anyone can do is to eliminate the bad choices in life and hope for the best. Optimism isn't a bad thing to have. Consistent negativity WILL kill any relationship.

 

Btw, keep on working with your therapist. Your (generic your) foundational years are telling, in how you view love. Was your father a distant man? Or were you never good enough for your father?

[IrishCarBomb]

No, not everyone settles.

 

I wish everyone settled... it'd make all my cases much easier than this whole "going to trial" hassle.