IcemanJB Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 To the OP: you're young. I'm like the male version of you, as I've been wrestling with the same questions recently. Are my standards ridiculously high? I've come to realize that I've only dated girls younger than me, and most are still figuring out who they are at my age even. Also, about 3.5 years years ago I got into a relationship with a girl that I didn't feel that intense spark with. I mean I was mildly attracted to her, but it just faded and fizzled after a few months. Basically I was putting no effort into it, and that was the end of it. The last two girls I've dated, we could not keep our hands off each other. We had that undeniable spark. Both are 2-3 years younger than me, and started to freak out when things started to get more serious. They are simply too young and don't know what they want. I do know what I want, and refuse to wait around for either or them. Also, I sort of count girls out that I don't feel that spark for...and like you, I ask myself: "is this going to lead to me being single for a looong time?" I've taken the mindset that I'm rather young, have my **** together, and know what I want...that awesome female will come around eventually. I still refuse to "settle". What I'm saying is it sounds like you're on the right track, as far as your thinking goes. There are guys in almost identical life stages as you are. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself, and get your **** fully together. It will happen.
Sam Spade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Do you honestly believe this drivel? Either you're attracted or you're not, which has nothing do with anything mentally deficient. Maybe you just need to experience the difference between major attraction and meah, she's okay... If mother nature had the definition of attraction being depicted here, the human race (and all other species) would be extinct long time ago. I find it hard to believe that it is SO. HARD. to find someone you're attracted to. By the time I get to work today I'll see at least 3-5 girls that will be girlfriend material physical attraction-wise. Yesterday in the dog park i saw at least 10. And I live in a place that's no dating paradise. Since attractiveness is by and large evenly distributed (controlling for location) in the population, then this whole brohaha has major emotional underpinings to it, and there you have it.
Sam Spade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Well Im like that and I guess he is too, but not everyone is like that and I think it also has to do with options and stage in life Like if a woman is average looking on first sight, but is intelligent and fun to talk to and has good hygiene (very important), isnt seriously overweight and has good character then Im sure i could be interested in her If I were a guy with a lot of options though I might be quite a bit pickier Still the above scenario wouldnt guarantee a long term passionate relationship, but it would be enought to be intriguing Yep, that's exactly how I feel, and I don't think that's because of limited options (ate least based on what current state of looks, career, and coolness could perhaps get me:)). But, I'm 32 and I'd rather concentrate on my career (and soon - on raising babies), rather on chasing skirt in the endlesds pursuit of marginally better deal. I'm sure I could "do better", but there is simply no reason to. I could also afford marginally better car, but there is no reason to given that my current one is just fine, so I could invest the money into something else . (Poor analogy, in a sense that people are not objects, but it is good analogy in a sense that, for example, there are many people ruining their financial lives just to they could drive the most expensive car they can afford the minimum payments on ) Instead of wondering what else could be out there, I have established minimum criteria for attractiveness, charater, values, etc., and once they're met, I stop looking. So, even if I have better options out there, that's energy better expended elsewhere because I've got the basics for a good relationship covered. Everything else is gravy. If that's someone's definition of settling, then great - I'll settle . Also, I think that many people get too warped up in their definitions of what they perceive as attractive and miss out on lots of good stuff that is out there. For example, I never thought that I could be attracted to slightly rounder girls (though at 5'2" and 120 lbs my current gf hardly qualifies as curvy by any contemporary 'standard' ), only to be pleasantly surprised .
Art_Critic Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Have you ever heard that you find someone when you aren't looking for someone ? That is the way it works most times.. you cannot find/force a relationship into your life and expect it to make you happy and last. I think you need to focus on Spooky.. keep getting your life together.. keep building your life without the vision of someone in your life that makes you feel loved and happy and you will see that the perfect guy shows up to sweep you off your feet... You need to invest time and effort into yourself so you can understand what it is that you are looking for to begin with... I'm not saying to live like a nun or to stop dating but you need to stop dating with the idea that the next guy you date is your next solemate.
Trialbyfire Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 As for TBF, I believe that she "feels the chemistry" but in her every thread she keeps going on and on about perfect her man is. I have not seen a single probelm or issue in any of her posts. It does make me wonder if she is overlooking something major. We shall see.Are you always this negative, looking for something negative, in everything and everybody and solely talking about those aspects? If you've honestly read what I've written, you'll know that he's not perfect but he's perfect for ME, in that all the things that are important to me, he hits the high points. I could easily focus on the negative and kill the relationship but why would I do this, if the things that matter to me the most, are all there in spades? One of the key elements to him is that he's got A LOT of integrity, honour and ethics. For you, this kind of man would probably drive you insane. If mother nature had the definition of attraction being depicted here, the human race (and all other species) would be extinct long time ago. I find it hard to believe that it is SO. HARD. to find someone you're attracted to. By the time I get to work today I'll see at least 3-5 girls that will be girlfriend material physical attraction-wise. Yesterday in the dog park i saw at least 10. And I live in a place that's no dating paradise. Since attractiveness is by and large evenly distributed (controlling for location) in the population, then this whole brohaha has major emotional underpinings to it, and there you have it.Yes, it's THAT DIFFICULT for me to want to have a relationship with anyone. I'm incredibly picky. Always have been, always will be. I can look at someone and think, hey, he's attractive, talk to him for 30 seconds and say, "uugghhh, dumber than a bag of hammers, next" or go on a first date and know that his attitude drives me. I've dated men who many women would consider the cat's meow but for some reason, sometimes things I can't pinpoint, sometimes things I can pinpoint, there's been no interest to go any further on my side. Even if many elements are there, if compatibility isn't there, it's insufficient for me to either get into a relationship or continue further into a physical relationship.
Star Gazer Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Isolde, I don't think you can compare SG and spookie, in that personality types/stage in life/maturity levels are light-years apart. I really think that personalities, temperaments, maturity levels, self-awareness, and stages in life weighs very heavily in determining whether a couple is compatible. When I was Spook's age, there was no way I'd date someone without having that immediate spark. I know better now. But honestly, I'm not sure I'd appreciate what I have now if it weren't for the crap I dealt with when I was Spook's age and at her "level." I know it's frustrating, Spook... but trust me. With time, it'll come.
Star Gazer Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 OK, I have to say this. SG is the perfect example of someone who played the numbers games, got hurt many times by men she was crazy about and then settled for someone with whom she has mediocre chemistry with for the sake of being in a "stable relationship". She has probably convinced herself that she is in love too. This is not the type of relationship that I aspire to or would be happy with and I suspect that spookie is the same. Oh hunny, I feel so sorry for you, as you will very likely NEVER get to experience what I have (at least if you continue to chase after MMs, that is). I am very, very happy, and am not settling... not by a long shot. I thank God every day for bringing my skiman into my life, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He is perfect for me, and our chemistry is anything but "mediocre."
MissConduct Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Spookie you should not date any of the men you are thinking of dating, never ever settle for a guy that is only "there". You are so young why are you in such a rush to end up in a committed relationship with any old guy? If you are just getting over someone that you were in love, then let time pass and let your heart heal and when the right time comes you will fall in love with the right guy as opposed to settling for the "guy right now" Unless a guy is actually hideous/fat/disfigure, there is no such thing as not being attracted to him (especially if he's got great character and attitude). Same with women. WOW please speak for yourself, your standards are super low. It NOT like that for women, not at all! It is not like that for me, and to say that everyone is appealing to everyone is crazy. Most average guys or girls are attractive enough for any relationship . NO they are not! Most people are attractive enough, sure, but most are not good enough for a relationship. Again, you have super low standards. The whole exagerated mind blowing physical attraction thing discussed here is just a disguise for deeper issues or needs. Obviously you have never experienced that and settled for the first average girl that gave you the time of day. How sad. My girlfriend is no Megan Fox, but she's okay There you go! Poor girl. You are going to end up cheating on her like most guys who settle for the "okay" girl do When the mind blowing full connection girl enters the picture all bets will be off. So, ladies, please figure yourself out before ruining other people's lives I agree Spookie should not settle. But you need to figure things out yourself as well. You really have no clue how the rest of the world operates.
IcemanJB Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Holy crap guys, enough with the bashing of other people. Sheesh, we're adults here, let's act like it...I doubt the OP appreciates all this pathetic bickering.
Sam Spade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Spookie you should not date any of the men you are thinking of dating, never ever settle for a guy that is only "there". You are so young why are you in such a rush to end up in a committed relationship with any old guy? If you are just getting over someone that you were in love, then let time pass and let your heart heal and when the right time comes you will fall in love with the right guy as opposed to settling for the "guy right now" WOW please speak for yourself, your standards are super low. It NOT like that for women, not at all! It is not like that for me, and to say that everyone is appealing to everyone is crazy. NO they are not! Most people are attractive enough, sure, but most are not good enough for a relationship. Again, you have super low standards. Obviously you have never experienced that and settled for the first average girl that gave you the time of day. How sad. There you go! Poor girl. You are going to end up cheating on her like most guys who settle for the "okay" girl do When the mind blowing full connection girl enters the picture all bets will be off. I agree Spookie should not settle. But you need to figure things out yourself as well. You really have no clue how the rest of the world operates. Oh well, same old story . Come talk to me in 20 years when you're still looking and I have established a rock solid dynasty/la familia. I'll let you kiss my ring before writing you a check for some nip and tuck action . Just for the record, most women are merely 'okay' next to Megan Fox . Moreover, even though she's hot, this still doesn't meand that I'd want to have a relationship with her. Say what you will, but if I'm not bored in bed, it's all good. Finally, all this talk about mind-blowing full connection etc. is just another way of saying "I have no control over and responsibility for my feelings and happiness", hence, the strong hunger for somebody to come along and fill this void. Being extraordinarily happy and comfortable with myself, I have no such need, so I can relax and make the first girl that meets my criteria happy . So, NOBODY can enter the picture and "make me" go for stupid life choices.
Isolde Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 See, this is what I like about LS. On the one hand, we have SG. She found a great relationship where there wasn't an immediate spark. On the other hand, we have TBF's R, where there was. They're both equally happy. If anything can be learned from that, it's that there's really no right answer. Women, don't think the instant spark is the stuff of myth. It can and does happen. But is that immediate spark important, crucial to an absolutely amazing relationship? It seems not. Just like people don't necessarily find their perfect career in a sudden burst of inspiration but rather through trial and error, so dating can go as well. Is a relationship going to develop where your first impression of your partner is: "Ugh. I'm repulsed." Of course not. But beyond that--the world is full of possibilities and everyone has different experiences, contingent upon personality and chance. Spookie--Don't let anyone make you feel that you don't know what you want because you're young. You have more power over your life than you think you do. And as I said, I think this introspection is a really good sign--a sign that you're not interested in relationships that aren't based on real compatibility.
Sam Spade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 ^^^ Same with what that other dude said - he had relationships with and without "spark", both types of relationships failed, for different reasons. So no matter how people value it for its own sake, it may not be necessary, and certainly not a sufficient condition for a good relationship... On another note, the test for whether you're settling is very simple: Just ask yourself "Is there anybody else I'd rather be with?", but you need to be very specific. If the answer is no, you're good to go. When I ask myself and answer this question realistically, the answer is no (except Isolde!). (Answering it unrealistically paints the picture of a smoking hot girl, who's very intelligent, likes to cook, is devoted to making sure all my needs are always met before thinking of her own, has an interesting career and hobbies and is also a great mom .) Basically, for the most part pretty superficial and selfish attributes that disguise the simple fact that a good relationship is one where you feel happy going home to, or lounging on a saturday afternoon.
MissConduct Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Oh well, same old story . Come talk to me in 20 years when you're still looking and I have established a rock solid dynasty/la familia. I'll let you kiss my ring before writing you a check for some nip and tuck action . Why don't I talk to you now about it? I am with that guy right now. But thanks for your thoughts. I have never settled and look at what it got me, the best I could get for me! Surprise suprise, and I would never describe my man as OK, even compared to George Clooney and Brad Pitt, he ROCKS!!! Sure, keep telling yourself it's just an illusion whatever it takes to get through the day. Finally, all this talk about mind-blowing full connection etc. is just another way of saying "I have no control over and responsibility for my feelings and happiness", hence, the strong hunger for somebody to come along and fill this void. Aww you poor thing you've never had it all. Settling is not for everyone is all I have been trying to tell you, it may work for you but it certainly does not for me.
MissConduct Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 But is that immediate spark important, crucial to an absolutely amazing relationship? It seems not. Just like people don't necessarily find their perfect career in a sudden burst of inspiration but rather through trial and error, so dating can go as well. Yes, it is for me. I have tried to go out with guys I didn't feel that initial spark for and it never grew beyond liking them as friends. Sure you may not find your prefect career in a sudden burst, but when you do find it, itfeels like home. It's the same with attraction, when you do find the type of man/woman that does it for you on every level it feels like home. There is no thinking about it, it just flows. Anytime I've had to think too much about the relationship it wasn't meant to be, the attraction was being forced.
Sam Spade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Why don't I talk to you now about it? I am with that guy right now. But thanks for your thoughts. I have never settled and look at what it got me, the best I could get for me! Surprise suprise, and I would never describe my man as OK, even compared to George Clooney and Brad Pitt, he ROCKS!!! Sure, keep telling yourself it's just an illusion whatever it takes to get through the day. Aww you poor thing you've never had it all. Settling is not for everyone is all I have been trying to tell you, it may work for you but it certainly does not for me. I'm happy for you having it all, which apparently includes somebody willing to tolerate crappy attitude, I'd like me some of that too .
MissConduct Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I'm happy for you having it all, which apparently includes somebody willing to tolerate crappy attitude, I'd like me some of that too . I am happy for me too, you could be happy too Sam Spade if you weren't so quick to settle. Does disagreeing with you equal crappy attitude?
Isolde Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Yes, it is for me. I have tried to go out with guys I didn't feel that initial spark for and it never grew beyond liking them as friends. Sure you may not find your prefect career in a sudden burst, but when you do find it, itfeels like home. It's the same with attraction, when you do find the type of man/woman that does it for you on every level it feels like home. There is no thinking about it, it just flows. Anytime I've had to think too much about the relationship it wasn't meant to be, the attraction was being forced. It should absolutely feel like home at some point. When that point is, differs from scenario to scenario.
MissConduct Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 When that point is, differs from scenario to scenario. Not sure what you mean by that?
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Not sure what you mean by that? Not trying to put words in Isolde's mouth. I believe what she's saying is be happy that it worked for you. And quit $hi22ing on others choices in life if it works for them.
Star Gazer Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Not trying to put words in Isolde's mouth. I believe what she's saying is be happy that it worked for you. And quit $hi22ing on others choices in life if it works for them. Nicely put.
MissConduct Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Not trying to put words in Isolde's mouth. I believe what she's saying is be happy that it worked for you. And quit $hi22ing on others choices in life if it works for them. Who is ****ting on anyone's choices? Spookie asked what to do, and I just advised Spookie not to settle. She is 22, has her entire life ahead of her and her best years are yet to come. Some of you may have ran out of time or simply couldn't get anyone better and had to settle, she doesn't have to do the same. A lot of people out there take the ok choice vs the perfect choice for them and that's probably why more than half of the population ends up in divorce, because they panic get hooked up with the first person that is of half interest to them and they settle. Of course then those very same people are reduced to telling others they should do the exact same, misery loves company and all... I want Spookie to be happy, don't settle is my message!
BlueEyedGirl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Are you always this negative, looking for something negative, in everything and everybody and solely talking about those aspects? If you've honestly read what I've written, you'll know that he's not perfect but he's perfect for ME, in that all the things that are important to me, he hits the high points. I could easily focus on the negative and kill the relationship but why would I do this, if the things that matter to me the most, are all there in spades? One of the key elements to him is that he's got A LOT of integrity, honour and ethics. For you, this kind of man would probably drive you insane. Sometiems the very absence of red and yellow flags is the red flag in itself. I do not like men with integrity, honour and ethics if they are dull, wooden, strictly politically correct and not willing to make fun of other people with me. I would die of boredom. But I like honesty, loyalty and a good hearted core. You do not seem to get that people can be wild, fun and not politically correct and still be kind and good people.
BlueEyedGirl Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Oh hunny, I feel so sorry for you, as you will very likely NEVER get to experience what I have (at least if you continue to chase after MMs, that is). I am very, very happy, and am not settling... not by a long shot. I thank God every day for bringing my skiman into my life, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He is perfect for me, and our chemistry is anything but "mediocre." SG, I am sure that you have convinced yourself that you are happy. I can not forget your first posts about the very same guy where you felt very lukewarm about him. You have dated him and another guy at the same time and while you were crazy about the other guy, this one barely registred on your radar. He has probably won you over by treating you well compared how others before him have treated you.. BUT this is still no substitute for real passion. Also Isolde and others seem to think that this is it for you SG and TBF. This is really just a point in time where both of you are in relationships that seem to work (or you have convinced yourself that they are working). Who knows what will happen 6 months or a year from now? You both might be posting threads about how it didn't work out because of the very things I am writing now. This is not the end, or happily ever after. Until you celebrate 10 year wedding anniversary, people shouldn't use your relationships (that have beeing going for less than a year) as a model of anything.
Land Shark Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Until you celebrate 10 year wedding anniversary, people shouldn't use your relationships (that have beeing going for less than a year) as a model of anything. What are you talking about? They have both passed the three month mark, for God's sake. Can you say "in the bag?"
Trialbyfire Posted April 21, 2009 Posted April 21, 2009 Sometiems the very absence of red and yellow flags is the red flag in itself. I do not like men with integrity, honour and ethics if they are dull, wooden, strictly politically correct and not willing to make fun of other people with me. I would die of boredom. But I like honesty, loyalty and a good hearted core. You do not seem to get that people can be wild, fun and not politically correct and still be kind and good people. If cheating and chasing married men is good hearted core, count me out!
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