Storyrider Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Yes. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: I know. Me too. But from what you've said about yourself in the past, and even posted on another thread tonight, if you settle for someone who doesn't excite you, you know the relationship won't last. You might even be unfaithful. It is just really, really hard to find mutual excitement in the context of a relationship that works on enough other levels.
Author spookie Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 I know. Me too. But from what you've said about yourself in the past, and even posted on another thread tonight, if you settle for someone who doesn't excite you, you know the relationship won't last. You might even be unfaithful. It is just really, really hard to find mutual excitement in the context of a relationship that works on enough other levels. *sigh*. Yah. I don't THINK it would last. I guess I;m just wondering if there's a chance I'm wrong about that. That "no excitement, but good prospects" is how most LTR's that blossom into love actually start, and I'm just naive in expecting that the right person will feel right from the very start. Even when the other ones that felt right were wrong. Blah. HP's friend is smart, funny, stable. He likes animals, wants children, has a good career, and owns a house I like hanging out in. I could be so happy, if I'd just let myself in to his life. I can see it now: lazy Saturdays making breakfast in his sunny kitchen and then studying while he plays outside with his cars; Friday nights out with his friends, (whom I like a whole lot); evenings spent cooking together and then cuddled up watching TV. We're COMPATIBLE. And he doens't annoy me. And I respect him. He accepts me, is non-judgemental, and would be a good, stable influence. These things make me want to give him a chance. But I know... even if I was happy. Even though I care about him. If I got transfered, for example, and had a chance to get with Jack. I wouldn't give a fcvk about any of the above.
Storyrider Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Well, it can't hurt to go on a couple of casual dates with the guy. But will you get serious with him too fast and then get in too deep? As to the other stuff, I think you could be stable and comfortable in a relationship like the one you're describing. But is that enough for you? What happened to me is, I married that person. I am stable and comfortable, and relatively happy, except that we never have sex because I don't enjoy sex with him and I got tired of pretending.
Storyrider Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Actually, I never even pretended. I just participated.
Jake Barnes Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Actually, I never even pretended. I just participated. ouch ..........................
Storyrider Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 ouch .......................... The only reason I added that is pretending would be worse. I'm not fake. That's why I've decided it's for the best that we stopped. What good is sex if it isn't mutual?
Jake Barnes Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 The only reason I added that is pretending would be worse. I'm not fake. That's why I've decided it's for the best that we stopped. What good is sex if it isn't mutual? yes i agree you dont seem like the type that wants to sleep in seperate beds the rest of your life yet though
Storyrider Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 yes i agree you dont seem like the type that wants to sleep in seperate beds the rest of your life yet though I'm making no statements about the rest of my life. But for now it is the best alternative. Sorry for threadjack Spookie. But maybe at least this will give you food for thought.
Jake Barnes Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I wouldnt mind sleeping in a seperate bed if my wife made decent money, let me cook and used a seperate bathroom
Sam Spade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 You are WAY ahead of the pack with this type of thinking - congratulations. Besides being logically sound, this is simply plain true: most women your age refuse to invest even the minimum time to get to know somebody, and jump to conclusions quickly, and based on incomplete or superficial information. And why? Simply because while you're still 20-something, it is still easy to say "Next!" without thinking too much. So, many relationships are never given a chance. It certainly doesn't mean that you should force it with people you clearly don't like, but it would be wise to withold conclusion until after some time. This takes longer time, but overall is much more efficient dating approach than yelling "NExt" at the drop of a hat. (And realising you'rs still doing that 20 years later:rolleyes:). I could not be happier for having postponed judgement for a couple of months getting to know my current girlfriend and realising that she's great. If I had let myself, I could find at least 5 actual reasons not to date her after the first 2-3 dates, and I would have been wrong.
Sam Spade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Well, it can't hurt to go on a couple of casual dates with the guy. But will you get serious with him too fast and then get in too deep? As to the other stuff, I think you could be stable and comfortable in a relationship like the one you're describing. But is that enough for you? What happened to me is, I married that person. I am stable and comfortable, and relatively happy, except that we never have sex because I don't enjoy sex with him and I got tired of pretending. Um, why did you marry him then? You know, it's not just about your life...
Sam Spade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 *sigh*. Yah. I don't THINK it would last. I guess I;m just wondering if there's a chance I'm wrong about that. That "no excitement, but good prospects" is how most LTR's that blossom into love actually start, and I'm just naive in expecting that the right person will feel right from the very start. Even when the other ones that felt right were wrong. Blah. HP's friend is smart, funny, stable. He likes animals, wants children, has a good career, and owns a house I like hanging out in. I could be so happy, if I'd just let myself in to his life. I can see it now: lazy Saturdays making breakfast in his sunny kitchen and then studying while he plays outside with his cars; Friday nights out with his friends, (whom I like a whole lot); evenings spent cooking together and then cuddled up watching TV. We're COMPATIBLE. And he doens't annoy me. And I respect him. He accepts me, is non-judgemental, and would be a good, stable influence. These things make me want to give him a chance. But I know... even if I was happy. Even though I care about him. If I got transfered, for example, and had a chance to get with Jack. I wouldn't give a fcvk about any of the above. Well, try that: move in with the good guy now, then leave him for whatever Jack-alike comes your way. Then, come here to write about hoe much you miss your good stable relationship that you foolishly left for nothing . Life is no picnic, and deciding what your priorities is a must. It doesn't matter which way you go as long as you stick with them. Women in the western societies have a very strange concept of love, one involving nothing but a stream of pleasant experiences in theis direction . My point is, that love is no different than any other aspect of life, and if so - why expect miracles and no tradeoffs, just like they are in any other aspect of life. For example, I want to be a musician, since that's what i really like to do. But I'm not, because the chance of making it in the industry is ridiculously small. Instead, I have another career that I'm very happy with and I don't waste time pining about my musical career. (I don't want to actually be a musician, just getting all metaphorical on your azzz )
Isolde Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I have to say, if you know someone that you're compatible with, who you can see yourself attracted to, and who wants to date you, to not even give them a chance would be doing yourself a disservice. I think StarGazer's relationship is a pretty good model of how R's can start off not being that overwhelming spark, and btw it shouldn't take months to get to that point either. By the third, fourth date you should be feeling the spark, it's safe to say. Of course, I shouldn't talk. I've never felt that compatibility before. But, like you, I'm pledging to be more careful about whom I turn down from now on. Not because I'm gonna settle--over my dead body! --I want to do what's best for me!
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I have to say, if you know someone that you're compatible with, who you can see yourself attracted to, and who wants to date you, to not even give them a chance would be doing yourself a disservice. I think StarGazer's relationship is a pretty good model of how R's can start off not being that overwhelming spark, and btw it shouldn't take months to get to that point either. By the third, fourth date you should be feeling the spark, it's safe to say. Of course, I shouldn't talk. I've never felt that compatibility before. But, like you, I'm pledging to be more careful about whom I turn down from now on. Not because I'm gonna settle--over my dead body! --I want to do what's best for me! Isolde, I don't think you can compare SG and spookie, in that personality types/stage in life/maturity levels are light-years apart. spookie, are you looking for chemistry or drama/excitement? It's possible to have passion, without the drama and angst.
Isolde Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Isolde, I don't think you can compare SG and spookie, in that personality types/stage in life/maturity levels are light-years apart. spookie, are you looking for chemistry or drama/excitement? It's possible to have passion, without the drama and angst. I wasn't trying to compare them or say that SG's relationship was right for everyone. I guess I was just throwing it out there. TBF, I can't speak for spookie, but I want passion/fairly strong physical attraction. However, though I know these things are important, I also require that he be a good guy, and I sometimes wonder if, by demanding all these things, I'd be setting myself up for many years, if not an eternity, of being single. It's not that I think I'm too picky; I just sometimes wonder if I'm realistic enough because honestly--no one is pursuing me or has been pursuing me. Sorry for threadjacking. Spookie, hang in there. I think you're on the right track, which is figuring out what you want and need.
Trialbyfire Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I wasn't trying to compare them or say that SG's relationship was right for everyone. I guess I was just throwing it out there. TBF, I can't speak for spookie, but I want passion/fairly strong physical attraction. However, though I know these things are important, I also require that he be a good guy, and I sometimes wonder if, by demanding all these things, I'd be setting myself up for many years, if not an eternity, of being single. It's not that I think I'm too picky; I just sometimes wonder if I'm realistic enough because honestly--no one is pursuing me or has been pursuing me. Sorry for threadjacking. Spookie, hang in there. I think you're on the right track, which is figuring out what you want and need. Everyone has a style that suits their personality type and also suits their environment. If you're not exposed to enough men who are attractive to you, perhaps it's time to change your environment in some way, thus increasing your chances. I don't have all the right answers for everyone. I can only offer my personal experiences and perceptions.
MN randomguy Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 What good is sex if it isn't mutual? Is it good for him? How does he feel about it? Maybe this is another western society selfish thing. If he isn't the best you've ever had in bed, forget it I'm not interested.
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Um, why did you marry him then? Why does Spookie want this guy?
Sam Spade Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Why does Spookie want this guy? Unless a guy is actually hideous/fat/disfigure, there is no such thing as not being attracted to him (especially if he's got great character and attitude). Same with women. Most average guys or girls are attractive enough for any relationship . The whole exagerated mind blowing physical attraction thing discussed here is just a disguise for deeper issues or needs. Which is fine, just don't blame it on the guy (spookie's or your's) not being attractive enough. I bet 20 bucks they are both perfectly ****able dudes. So i'd also bet that we're talking about emotional issues here, not really physical attraction per se. My girlfriend is no Megan Fox, but she's okay and sufficiently attractive to me, and I'd marry her precisely because of her character, and if I do, that that won't stop me lots of baby-making activity with her. And also - even a vague prospect with Megan Fox would not be worth throwing a good relationship away. So, ladies, please figure yourself out before ruining other people's lives . (I'm just guessing and extrapolating the scenarios here )
Storyrider Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 there is no such thing as not being attracted Just keep repeating this to yourself over and over, Spookie. Say it 1000 times.
Trialbyfire Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Unless a guy is actually hideous/fat/disfigure, there is no such thing as not being attracted to him (especially if he's got great character and attitude). Same with women. Most average guys or girls are attractive enough for any relationship . The whole exagerated mind blowing physical attraction thing discussed here is just a disguise for deeper issues or needs. Which is fine, just don't blame it on the guy (spookie's or your's) not being attractive enough. I bet 20 bucks they are both perfectly ****able dudes. So i'd also bet that we're talking about emotional issues here, not really physical attraction per se.Do you honestly believe this drivel? Either you're attracted or you're not, which has nothing do with anything mentally deficient. Maybe you just need to experience the difference between major attraction and meah, she's okay...
Jake Barnes Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Do you honestly believe this drivel? Either you're attracted or you're not, which has nothing do with anything mentally deficient. Maybe you just need to experience the difference between major attraction and meah, she's okay... Well Im like that and I guess he is too, but not everyone is like that and I think it also has to do with options and stage in life Like if a woman is average looking on first sight, but is intelligent and fun to talk to and has good hygiene (very important), isnt seriously overweight and has good character then Im sure i could be interested in her If I were a guy with a lot of options though I might be quite a bit pickier Still the above scenario wouldnt guarantee a long term passionate relationship, but it would be enought to be intriguing
Trialbyfire Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Well Im like that and I guess he is too, but not everyone is like that and I think it also has to do with options and stage in life Like if a woman is average looking on first sight, but is intelligent and fun to talk to and has good hygiene (very important), isnt seriously overweight and has good character then Im sure i could be interested in her If I were a guy with a lot of options though I might be quite a bit pickier Still the above scenario wouldnt guarantee a long term passionate relationship, but it would be enought to be intriguing Where I've been unable to drum up any attraction, regardless of everything, including and especially the looks perspective. It's all or nothing for me. I can't explain how kick-arse chemistry works. It just happens and when it does, look out. When it doesn't, it doesn't.
Jake Barnes Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Where I've been unable to drum up any attraction, regardless of everything, including and especially the looks perspective. It's all or nothing for me. I can't explain how kick-arse chemistry works. It just happens and when it does, look out. When it doesn't, it doesn't. Yeah I guess youre right Women, especially younger women, get more caught up in certain types though I think a big part of it is physical/sexual in nature in that the woman submits and therefore is pickier about who is penetrating. Otherwise she feels almost violated by this thing she wants to get off her
BlueEyedGirl Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 OK, I have to say this. SG is the perfect example of someone who played the numbers games, got hurt many times by men she was crazy about and then settled for someone with whom she has mediocre chemistry with for the sake of being in a "stable relationship". She has probably convinced herself that she is in love too. This is not the type of relationship that I aspire to or would be happy with and I suspect that spookie is the same. HOWEVER, this is exactly the type of relationship that I believe around 90% of women end up with. It kind of depresses me. I would rather be alone. As for TBF, I believe that she "feels the chemistry" but in her every thread she keeps going on and on about perfect her man is. I have not seen a single probelm or issue in any of her posts. It does make me wonder if she is overlooking something major. We shall see.
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