Gunny376 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I would've told him: Yea! There's a chance ~ but your going to have to work for it! It doesn't come that easy! And don't wait too long, its a seller's market, goods such as what I've got to offer someone don't stay on the market for very long! Women are in pleantiful supply, but good women are damn hard to come by!
Author searcher Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 4 days ago he tells me he's not choosing me and its over. 2 days ago he askes me if there's still a chance for us, not that he was saying he wanted to come back. But asked for another week to decide. Today he calls and tells me he's finding it really had to know what to do. Like I care how hard it is for him!!! Asks me for advice on what he should do to help him sort it out. I told him to get some counselling, like I asked him to months ago. What else can I suggest? What is wrong with him. Is he trying to make me crazy? I don't want to tell him to F off hut I'm sick of hearing his BS!!!!!! What to do?
Author searcher Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Should I or can i help him? or should I just walk away if he is finding it so hard to decide to come bacK?
Liquid Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Should I or can i help him? or should I just walk away if he is finding it so hard to decide to come bacK? He calls you because he needs a fix. You're providing him a emotional need. He needed that fix from you to be complete and continue his affair. If you can go completely dark, it will drive him crazy and maybe he will crash. So, live your life and make him wonder. Don't return his calls, if you HAVE TO, wait 12 hours or more. Your condition for him to return: 1) Sincerely apologize to you for what he did. 2) A solid plan on what to do in the future to prevent more affairs. 3) No contact with the other woman for life. This include any type of occational contact. 4) STD testing. 5) Complete transparancy. Password to all his email account, phone, internet, etc. 6) Complete disclosure, including details about the affair if YOU ask and want to know. 7......you continue with your own list and need for him to return back to your life after he wines, dines, and sleeps with another woman.
delajoonal Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 So, reality and regret will hit him. And he will reconsider. But it will be too late, because odds show that once you have filed , you wont want him back. I LIKE THIS...THANK YOU;)
Author searcher Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Liquid, thank you for your suggestions. I've known I need to put conditions on his return (if he returns) and your list is an excellent start. It's exactly what I needed. I wouldn't have thought of a few of these. Thanks again.
delajoonal Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 hi there sweetie! i have been able to just go over your current posts..i was wondering where you were the past few days and if you were doing OK? i see you are having a H*** of a time these past few days:o i'm so sorry your dh is dragging you thru this nightmare...his nightmare and taking you with him...so not fair... i know you know we have such similar stories... listen, it took me 3 times to kick my dh out and the times i let him move back in were NOT to reconcile, it was cause he literally had NO where else to go..he had isolated himself over the years, friends became sparse...his computer addiction quite prevalant..and now this.. so, i let him back in the 3rd, time, the next day i found those movie ticket stubs...you know the story..he lied lied lied..etc... so, now he has been gone for almsost 8 days.. each day i wake up stronger and my head is more clear.. also, i have had NC competely...that was until last night, he called relentlessly... i posted about that under a new thread called, "HERE WE GO..." if you can, take a moment to read the post and the repsonse...cause you are in the same boat, exactly, we are cruise shipmates...LOL..so to speak. you HAVE to give yourself some time with absolutely NC.. do not answer his calls, do not call him, no text, no emails etc.. at least for one whole week..just so you can get your head cleared out of the FOG... anyway.. my very long point...you need some time a way from dh, to just clear out your head, without any contact from him for a while...it took just one week this time for me to see so many things so very clear now..also realized in the interim, my dh is playing a little game.. each time, after only one week, he can't stand that i have not called him, so he calls me with some crazy really lame excuse...this last time was so transparent..omg...LOL and i brought up divorce...pretty much said, let's get the ball rollling dude!..LOL....i would NEVER have been that strong a week ago...or if i would have called him or broke down and called the OW a few days back...which btb, the OW isn't even in the pic anymore...so dh is trying to feel his way back...just as your dh is doing... ok, so now i have rambled on..but i just wanted you to know i am here for you as are ALL the other members who know exacly what you are going thru...but i can bet they will all say the same thing ... get some space between the two of you...NO NC! at least one week... if you feel like you are going to call or return his call...get on this board and post and post again...you can even email me directly if you would like, just let me know, i will give you my email address...i can be here for you too:) take care searcher...remember we can do this, together, all of us here...we can do this...NO NC, K..LOL in the imfamous words of our own Gunny... NONE, NADA, ZILCH..LOL...NO NC!
Author searcher Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 I feel so bad today, i just need to get it out. My H has been seeing someone else for a month now. In that month he he has spent two weekends at home - things have been intimate between us both times. I finally convinced him to go the MC - we had our first session yesterday. I asked him to stop seeing the OW before we started MC and he said he would but he didn't. He says he did tell her that we were doing MC and all she said was "you have to do what you have to do" but she hasn't backed off one bit. He has said he is doing MC with on open mind. He is doing it to see if he wants to try and sort things out, he has made no commitment to try. I bought up the subject of the OW at MC yesterday and he got quite agitated. He said he didn't want to be pushed to do anything and he would end it with her if and when he was ready. He tells me he hasn't slept with her - but I know I can't trust anything he says right now. Why am I hanging in still trying to get him to come back? He has hurt me so much. I'm tolerating things I never would have in the past (OW). I know he's being a cake eater so why can't I give him up? Sometimes I feel like I want to walk away but now he has agreed to MC I feel like I have to stick it out. I know if he agreed to come home I would take him back. My head says I shouldn't but my heart is still with him. Should I stick with the MC if he wont agree to stop seeing the OW? I have been given some great advise here but have not been able to follow much of it. Maybe I'm just not strong enough. I'm so confused, a lot of this probably doesn't make sense and makes me look very weak. Any advise please? What would you do in my situation?
Author searcher Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 I've decided to stick with the MC and say nothing about the OW for now. He'll make his own decisions, I guess I will have to live with that for now. At least I can say I've done everything I can to save the marraige. I'd still like know know others thoughts on this - the MC with the OW in the picture. Am I wasting my time or is it worth continuing with MC?
mark982 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 well for one thing,i sure wouldn't be having sex with him. even though he says he's not boinking the ow,do you "really" believe him? could be opening yourself to a host of diseases. plus he's got the best of both worlds, two women who want him in bed. and how is having sex fixing your marriage?
Author searcher Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Yes he has got the best of both worlds. This is really f***ing me off!!! I wonder why I still love him. But unfortunately I do. I thought the sex might help us reconnect. I am probably wrong. I know men can think differently about what sex means to them. If I really want him to come back should I stop (diseases aside) the sex? or will this just push him further to the OW?
mark982 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 you can get sex anywhere, tring to fix your marriage involves sooo much more than that. i always thought sex was a by product of a healthy,trusting relationship,with mutual respect.right now he's just saying some wonderful words too you that you're sucking up(sorry),and you're jumping into bed. WHAT are you fixing,what issues are you addressing? and i still wouldn't have sex with him till "after" (or if) he moves home,cause he's lying. then only after numerous std tests.
Steadfast Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hi Searcher, I've been following your story since you first posted. Mostly, it is interesting to read how both men and women use the same, tired lines and excuses when dealing out the heartache. The bottom line is, selfish is selfish; it's unisex. I think MC while he's still seeing another person is a waste of time. I'd stop, then stop all dialog with him except what is needed for the kids. Still, knowing how selfish (and unstable, and controlling...) cheaters are, he'll use them to find a way in. Don't fall for it. The only chance you have to play on a level field is to totally stop the game. Make it clear that you will _not_ be involved in a love triangle. Don't offer, or ask for information. If he pushes, tell him you will let him know _your_ decision on the matter when you are ready. This'll get him thinking. Guys (I am one) hate things 'hanging in the air'. You have to make him realize that you have the right to make decisions too. It is not just about him. Throw some reality into his fantasy world. Cold water, no games. In the meantime rest, eat well and fight to stay positive. It's a long haul.
Author searcher Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Thank you Steadfast. What you say makes a lot of sense. We both have IC sessions over the next couple of weeks and our next joint MC session is about a month away. I need to use the next month to work on and look after myself. I know I need to cut communication to stuff about the kids only but the H seems to think we can still be good friends and rings to just chat sometimes. How do I not get caught up in these friendly conversations without coming across as cold? As my ultimate goal is still to save my marriage I don't want to do anything to make things worse than they are. I inevitably end up being hurt when talking to him. He often brings up things about the future where he indicates he will not be with me. I have read lots of 'save your marriage' books and they all give different information. Some say NC and others say to be there for them and be their friend. I'm still very brokenhearted and I still cry most days. I't almost like I'm addicted to him and the withdrawal is going on and on. I'm starting to wonder if my constant craving for contact with him is real or now just a habit I in itself. I read in alot of these threads where people get to the point were they have had enough and start the divorce process themselves which seems to give them some direction. Where I live you have to be separated for two years before you can start divorce proceedings. How do you know when to give up the fight? Have things gone past that point for me and I just can't see it?
BettyBoop Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 but the H seems to think we can still be good friends and rings to just chat sometimes. How do I not get caught up in these friendly conversations without coming across as cold? Been following your thread and I feel for you, hon. These phone calls that he is making is ONLY to ease his own guilt by the sounds of it. I know you want to save your marriage...but I honestly believe the quote "How can I miss you if you won't go away?". My ex used to call on the phone, for hours, daily, and want to talk and cry after I broke it up with him - it only made me less interested in him. If he, instead, had been going cold turkey on me and basically shown "yeah, I've got better things to do" - maybe I'd séen him in a different light? Either way, why let your H call you and make you feel ****ty? Just let him know you are busy, you're going someplace - getting a haircut, gym whatever! Anything but talking to him on the phone when it pleases him. Instead of missing your marriage...start looking ahead into the future, possibly, without him in it. It will save you a lot of heartache to think that way instead of clining onto hope he "might decide to work on the marriage". Because right now, he is keeping you around as a "plan B" if his current fling doesn't work out. Don't settle for being somebody's "Plan B" when you could become someone else's "Plan A"!!! Hugs to you!
Author searcher Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 My H called this morning to tell me he wants to try and work things out and rebuild our marriage. He said he is going to end it with the OW and tell his boss he can't work away from home anymore. It may take a couple of months for him to move home permanently. He said he is committed to making it work and acknowledged he has been stupid and done some really hurtful things to his family. We still have to work out what we are going to do to move forward and will continue with MC. Part of me is ecstatic and part of me is very cautious. I don't want to get to ahead of myself cuase it will be a long road ahead. WISH ME LUCK!!!
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