BigP Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 9 months. All in all our relationship has been pretty good. We spend a lot of time together and although we have had a few disagreements we generally get along really well. A few days ago on a gut feeling I decided to look through her received text messages. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but on two or three prior occasions she has looked through mine and even complained about a couple messages I received from a female co-worker. Going through her messages I found out that she had met up with her ex about a month ago. The messages from him gave a general area where they would be meeting, but didn’t say what they were meeting for. He mentioned that he was surprised to hear from her and that he would call when he picked out a place to meet. Based on these messages I assumed that they had met up for lunch or something. I’m ok with this, but I would like to know (and feel it is my right to know) if she is meeting up with her ex. Back in Feb, I met up with one of my ex’s for lunch/drinks during a layover at the airport. I told my current GF about the meeting and I felt no guilt about it, nor did I sense that my GF was jealous. I decide that I would confront her about her meeting, and let her know that I didn’t appreciate her not telling me about meeting up with the ex. While she was in my room I picked up her phone and started scrolling through the messages. She asked me what I was doing, and wanted to know why I was looking at her messages. My plan was to bring up the 3 to 4 messages I had read the day before, but when I scrolled to where they had been, I realized that she had deleted them! Since the messages weren’t there I didn’t say anything, but it’s obvious to me that she is intentionally hiding something. Any suggestions on how I should approach her with this? Anyone feel that she is cheating/not cheating?
bluechocolate Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 When she looked through your text messages was that with your knowledge & consent ? If so then you're on shakey ground having looked through hers, if not then I'd say it was fair game for you to be looking at hers. Any suggestions on how I should approach her with this? You can't "un-know" something so I think you're going to have to ask her about it & the sooner the better IMO. Anyone feel that she is cheating/not cheating? Hard to tell really, but if she's keeping secrets about meeting, or planning to meet other men, then there could be a problem here.
jellytots Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Tell her she sent you a message last week quote what the message said if you can remember, and ask her what was it about as your sure if wasn't for you. Say this in a joke way be cool about it. It very common to sent sms to wrong person when your up to no good. If she is calm and tells you she meeting up with ex there is nothing in it. Even go into her phone when she out of the room and send one of her sent message to yourself. Great way to bring up the last one. i'm sure you phone network will take a hit for you and they won't mind this time. Good Luck.
laRubiaBonita Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Tell her she sent you a message last week quote what the message said if you can remember, and ask her what was it about as your sure if wasn't for you. Say this in a joke way be cool about it. It very common to sent sms to wrong person when your up to no good. If she is calm and tells you she meeting up with ex there is nothing in it. Even go into her phone when she out of the room and send one of her sent message to yourself. Great way to bring up the last one. i'm sure you phone network will take a hit for you and they won't mind this time. Good Luck. kinda late for that... don't you think? i would just outright tell her you felt something was up, so you looked through her texts and saw them and would like to know why she never said anything. it's contradictory to expect the truth when you, yourself are not truthful either. yeah, it may make waves... but better a wave now than a tsunami later
DNU1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Tell her you are concerned that she still may have feelings for her ex. Tell her that you want to be completely transparent with each other, meaning sharing texts, emails, facebook accounts, etc. If you really want to make this work with your GF, she and YOU need to be transparent, 100%. No secrets at all! If neither of you are willing to do this then it's time to move on. Secrets lead to lies. Lies lead to affairs. Affairs, well, they suck.
RecordProducer Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 If you can't talk to your partner openly about everything, then she is not the right person for you. If she is hiding whatever with her ex, she isn't 100% open and honest and in love with you.
mental_traveller Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 If she is hiding whatever with her ex, she isn't 100% open and honest and in love with you. I agree. Hiding the meeting with the ex is a huge red flag. If this was me I'd end things just for that.
pixiewsh Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 When she looked through your text messages was that with your knowledge & consent ? If so then you're on shakey ground having looked through hers, if not then I'd say it was fair game for you to be looking at hers. Am I the only person that thinks phone privacy isn't to be expected? Why wouldn't my SO expect to be able to go through my phone or purse for that matter, go right ahead...... Only someone with something to hide would care, so if they expect privacy...they should expect to hit the road!
PinkKittyKat Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Man, my bf lends me his iPhone all the time because I loooove playing with it. Hell, he lets me ANSWER his phone. He let me do that even when he had his old phone. I have all his computer/bank/phone/email/etc. passwords, and he has all mine. Heck, he's more likely to message/call one of my exes, as they're buddies! I'd never feel weird about him reading my msn logs/facebook messages/emails/texts as I have nothing to hide. We regularly read eachothers emails, as in "Hey, check out this email my friend sent! Crazy huh?" and our computers are right beside eachother, so it's sort of hard to avoid anyway. Over privacy = something to hide, whether it's unkind words said in anger, private in-confidence conversations with a friend about unrelated matters, cheating, surprise present for you, etc. Hiding something isn't always BAD, but in this case... uhhh, yeah, warning bells. I would never EVER arrange a meeeting with an ex and HIDE it from my bf. Talk to her or dump her, this secret sh|t is bad news.
lostsunsets Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 OK. Here is what you do. Text her this message. Say to her: "I found the text messages your ex boyfriend sent you. Since you erased them, you are obviously planning to see him with out my knowledge. Since you erased them, I didn't want to confront you without proof. But after having second thoughts, I decide to text you this. Seeing how you are a deceitful person who was or is cheating on me with your ex (because if you weren't why wouldn't you tell me), I have decided to dump you by text message. Ordinarily I would have done this face to face, but I thought it would be much more appropriate to do it by text. Seeing how it is the manner you were using to betray me. Oh and by the way, feel free to erase this message once you have read it in case you are the same lying, treacherous bi*ch with your ex boyfriend as you were with me."
samspade Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 People who respect their SO's do not engage in behavior that would even give the APPEARANCE of cheating. So regardless of whether yours is cheating or not, she is behaving in a disrespectful manner. Her interest level sounds like it's waning. Grounds for dismissal, if you ask me.
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