jj33 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I was doing fine for a long while and suddenly I have been having bad dreams about him, and feeling really upset about the whole thing. I wish I could just erase the memories (the bad ones of the heartbreak and the fights and recriminations). Its not that I miss him its the dreams. I am waking up in the middle of the night thinking we are still together and we had a big fight or that we were together and just broke up. Waking up feeling exhausted. Being restless and anxious during the day and not being able to sleep at night. I am exercising every day and I thought that would help. It is nothing to do with him, he hasnt done anything. I just hope this passes soon. I am exhausted from sleeping so badly. After all this time I dont understand why I am having these nightmares again. I had them just after we broke up but I havent in a long time. Maybe if I listen to a relaxation tape before I go to bed it will help. Just venting. Thanks for listening.
wildsoul Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 FWIW, I think this is a sign that you're healing something. I wouldn't push those dreams away, but instead use them to help you move forward. What's the core feeling or dynamic you're experiencing in the dreams? Repetitive dreams are showing that this is something important trying to get your attention. *** BTW, I also had a post break-up dream. It was Part II of a dream I had last year after I'd broke up with xSM (before getting back together with him again.) In the first dream, I was in an operating room receiving open heart surgury. Then I realized xSM was the surgeon. He carelessly forgot/refused to stich me back up! I awoke, understanding that I was wanting him to give me "closure" to heal my heart. I used that dream to realize I needed to do it for myself instead. In this week's dream, I had also just had open heart surgury. (xSM wasn't the surgeon this time.) Instead of being properly closed up, my chest was covered with a skin graft, that was merely laid on top, not sutured. When I woke, I took it as I'm doing better with my healing, but there is still unfinished repair work to do! *** Not trying to threadjack, but I think you're LUCKY to have dreams that you remember. You can use them to gain valuable insights! So what do you think your dreams mean?
Author jj33 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks sweetie that makes me feel better. I am dreaming things that basically say he doesnt listen to me. That he doesnt take heed of what I say that he has his own agenda and nothing I say or do makes a difference. And that there is nothing there. That the fact that someone loves you doesnt really matter if they dont express it - he may as well be on Mars. I do hope this is the end of it all. It was nice not thinking about it for a few months. I cant wait to put it behind me for good. Am sorry you are troubled by the dreams as well but as you say they sound like good messages. And you are learning from them.
wildsoul Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks sweetie that makes me feel better. I am dreaming things that basically say he doesnt listen to me. That he doesnt take heed of what I say that he has his own agenda and nothing I say or do makes a difference. And that there is nothing there. That the fact that someone loves you doesnt really matter if they dont express it - he may as well be on Mars. I bet that the more you embrace the above truth, getting out of all resistance that it should be otherwise, that those dreams will stop.
Die Hard Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Man I used to have those nightmares too. For me, the dreams were the hardest part of the break-up. I dream very vividly and I'd dream that her and I were living together happily ever after. I'd even dream "thank god this isn't just a dream" then I'd wake up to find that it was in fact just a dream and that her and I were not together. That **** hurt like hell. I used to smoke some pot in school and I remembered how it used to make me stop having dreams, so that's what I did until I could sleep without dreaming of her. Obviously I don't recommend going that route just posting because I sympathize with you. These types of dreams suck big time and can make things seem so real. It's like waking up and going through it all again.
phoenixrising Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I still follow your story, JJ, because mine is so similar. I finally ended things last summer, but still have periods where suddenly he enters my thoughts, my dreams, etc. and I can't figure out what happened. It's like I go back a few steps... I wonder if that's because we still have interaction with our xMMs through work? It's like a slow healing wound because as much as we bury our feelings, there is still that limited contact that exposes us to the rawness of our emotions, even though subconsciously. I've been dating frequently, but the fact that I haven't met anyone who I connect with sometimes makes me think, "why can't fate have me meet someone (single) for whom I have feelings as natural as those I had for this particular MM?" Then the memories pop in - the good ones. We'll get through this, I know we will. We just have to accept that there will be bumps in the road, I guess. It will all work out, as long as we maintain strong boundaries and know what we want for the future. I've really taken a hit through all this, though, and I think it gets resolved through dreams because we try so hard to bury the feelings by day...
Author jj33 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Thanks DieHard. It is like reliving it. And then I get testy with him in real life because he has upset me so much in my sleep! Not good for business... And yes Phoenix I think that is right. We have to stuff our feelings so much and hold so much in to get through the work day that it does come out in other ways. What a mess... I just wish I could disappear for awhile. The whole thing has taken a terrible toll. I have circles under my eyes my energy is flagging, its not good. I need a vacation and theres no time for it. All I seem to do is work day and night. And its been over for ages so I would feel like a psycho even mentioning it to anyone.
White Flower Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Hi JJ, This is what Dreammoods.com says about fighting: Fighting To dream that you are in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life. To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life. To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits. On the main page click on 'dream dictionary' and you'll find all kinds of possible interpretations for dreams. Hope you have a much better night tonight sweetie. WF.
DNU1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 jj33: What you are feeling is withdrawal. An affair is like being on a drug. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy in side. When you end the relationship (and good for you for doing so!) it's natural to go through withdrawal. You aren't getting that *high* that you did when around that person. Some say withdrawal takes a 3-4 weeks to get through the worst symptoms of withdrawal. With some people it takes longer. With time you will get better. Keep exercising and finding hobbies to keep yourself busy. This will pass...
Author jj33 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Thanks DNU1 - its been over a year but I appreciate your concern.
DNU1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I didn't realize it had been a year. But let me be clear jj33 -- if you have *any* contact with your MM, your withdrawal goes back to ground zero...and you start all over again. If you see him, he calls or texts or e-mails...bang, right back to the very first step of withdrawal. Have you established NC with him? I mean rock-solid, "never talk to me, never contact me again" NC? If not you are going to suffer through withdrawal for a very, very long time.
Author jj33 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Thanks DNU1 my situation is very complicated and its not something I am prepared to discuss at this time in a public forum.
DNU1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I understand completely. Just trying to help. I'm assuming by your reply that you are still in contact with him. Please let me know if I can help further. Take care, D.
Die Hard Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I wouldn't worry about it too much. I haven't truly spoken to the MW I was seeing for well over a year and I still have occasional dreams of her. Rather than ruining my week, it just ruins my day now. For whatever reason, when I sleep and wake up again, I'm fine and the thoughts of her are gone, well, except for being thankful to be out of that situation. The brain likes to play cruel tricks. All those damn neurons firing and doing what they want, when they want. It makes me sick that I still dream of her sometimes though. I siuppose I just have to live with it. Heck my dad died when I was a young boy and I still dream of him. I'll dream that I run into him at the mall and I'll be like "I thought you were dead", and he says something like "I just needed to get away and I thought this was the best way to do it". I've always been tormented in my dreams by the idea that he faked his death from cancer, and abandoned us rather than dying. Just for the record, we had a viewing at the funeral so he is for sure dead. My brain likes to make me feel bad for some reason and likes to make me run into him in my dreams and be hurt like that.
White Flower Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I wouldn't worry about it too much. I haven't truly spoken to the MW I was seeing for well over a year and I still have occasional dreams of her. Rather than ruining my week, it just ruins my day now. For whatever reason, when I sleep and wake up again, I'm fine and the thoughts of her are gone, well, except for being thankful to be out of that situation. The brain likes to play cruel tricks. All those damn neurons firing and doing what they want, when they want. It makes me sick that I still dream of her sometimes though. I siuppose I just have to live with it. Heck my dad died when I was a young boy and I still dream of him. I'll dream that I run into him at the mall and I'll be like "I thought you were dead", and he says something like "I just needed to get away and I thought this was the best way to do it". I've always been tormented in my dreams by the idea that he faked his death from cancer, and abandoned us rather than dying. Just for the record, we had a viewing at the funeral so he is for sure dead. My brain likes to make me feel bad for some reason and likes to make me run into him in my dreams and be hurt like that. Hi Die Hard, I went to the dream dictionary at dreammoods.com to research your recurring dream about your father. This is what it said: To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life. Does your dream have to bring you down? Try to look at it as 1) your father has visited you, and 2) what is missing in you that he had? It is worth researching and once you find what's missing the dreams should stop. Best, WF.
Die Hard Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Hi Die Hard, I went to the dream dictionary at dreammoods.com to research your recurring dream about your father. This is what it said: To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life. Does your dream have to bring you down? Try to look at it as 1) your father has visited you, and 2) what is missing in you that he had? It is worth researching and once you find what's missing the dreams should stop. Best, WF. I appreciate that. I'll never measure up to my dad though. He was a great person who made sure his family was taken care of after his death, etc.. Very responsible person. Pretty much the opposite of myself. I'm actually afraid of running into him in the afterlife. Rightly or wrongly he's going to be disappointed in me. We didn't get along well though either. I was a very hyperactive kid and he was a person made nervous very easily. I wasn't hyperactive in the clinical sense as they actually had me tested. The doctors said I was just energetic and liked to talk a LOT. I just made him nervous constantly, which would cause him to chew my ass about something, which would make me dislike him, especially given my age. We reconciled all this during the time he was dying but it still doesn't change the fact that we had a hard time relating to one another and never quite bonded the way my brother and he did. Sorry for the threadjack!!!
Author jj33 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Thats interesting. Its great you and your Dad got along later in life, but it must have been hard to be a child and not bonding with your father the way your brother did. I never dream about my father who died many years ago. But I did dream about people dying last night. Hoping tonites dreams are better.
KismetGirl Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I was doing fine for a long while and suddenly I have been having bad dreams about him, and feeling really upset about the whole thing. I wish I could just erase the memories (the bad ones of the heartbreak and the fights and recriminations). Its not that I miss him its the dreams. I am waking up in the middle of the night thinking we are still together and we had a big fight or that we were together and just broke up. Waking up feeling exhausted. Being restless and anxious during the day and not being able to sleep at night. I am exercising every day and I thought that would help. It is nothing to do with him, he hasnt done anything. I just hope this passes soon. I am exhausted from sleeping so badly. After all this time I dont understand why I am having these nightmares again. I had them just after we broke up but I havent in a long time. Maybe if I listen to a relaxation tape before I go to bed it will help. Just venting. Thanks for listening. I wasn't going to write on anyone's threads as Ive been in such a pit lately I havent the energy to do anything but this struck with me as I have the same problem, and have had it for a long time, even before we broke up recently... I know exactly what you mean. They aren't nightmares in the sense that the dream itself is scary...its the opposite almost. The stuff going on in the dreams is so great sometimes, that you wake up and the realization that it's not real is herrendous and almost heartbreaking once you realize that you're home alone, and he still isn't around. I have those all the time....dreams in which he tells me it's all going to be ok, that we're still seeing each other, that we're happy, that he's coming over today, or the worst Ive had yet in which he takes my hand in the dream, looks at me endearingly and makes me swear that I won't give up on him and that sometime it will work out. and then I wake up and realize I haven't seen him in two weeks and it's all over (again)...., part of the reason I dont go to work in the morning sometimes, they make me that depressed and anxious that I don't want to be awake to think about it, and at the same time can't even get a break in my sleep as im often haunted by these effing dreams. I dont know, but when I take a sleeping pill it usually puts me in such a sleep as that I dont have any dreams at all (or dont remember them, anyway). If you dont like that stuff, you can try some natural remedies to help with sleep (melatonin, etc....warm milk, whatever works for you) but some things can really make dreams almost more intense....and that wont help. maybe you should talk with a doctor about the anxiety/trouble sleeping. they might be able to prescribe something for the short-term, but none of those are really long term fixes. I guess its going to come and go. Do you still go to IC? Maybe that would help, who knows. Perhaps suppressing the conscious thoughts of him is making the subconscious work overtime in sleep thinking about him. Not sure that I have any constructive advice on how to really get rid of dreams....they are your brain's way of sorting/dealing with your life, whether it be a problem you think about consciously or not, or whether you've even seen MM lately. Im sure somewhere in there you still wish things worked out with him, and so since you are trying to push that out of your conscious mind, your sub-conscious one has taken to dealing with those thoughts instead. It hasn't got anything to do with seeing/talking to him....maybe you just don't have the closure you thought you did. And maybe you never will. I think, maybe, as much as you consciously tell yourself you've accepted something, if we haven't really, you can't always run from the subconscious. *sigh* sorry if im not making sense but I know for me personally, the more i try to "push" something out of my mind artificially when deep inside I know im really not over it, the worse dreams i have about them. I dont particularly like taking pills but unfortunately one of the few things that makes me fall asleep without dreams are things like benzo's, and those can be addictive so I dont take them often, just when Im so desperate for a dream-less sleep tht i can't take it anymore. I hope those pass for you soon, I know they can be horrid. Exercising and eating well help with energy but i dont think they do much for the dreams. Usually dealing with it (eg- IC) is one of the few ways you give your subconscious a rest and maybe not have a need for dreams like that anymore...if that makes any sense at all. Don't know if i said anything constructive but I feel your pain....you are definitely not alone. big hugs and I hope you feel better soon.
Author jj33 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Thanks KG. You sound like you are doing really well all things considered I hope you are able to study.
datura_noir Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 jj, I'm not sure how vivid your dreams are, but don't you think that ALL dreams have merit?I mean that if your sub-conscious is handing you these images, it is usually because of some part of ourselves that we haven't resolved yet. Do you ever have common recurring dreams??Like, falling, or dialing a number?? How do YOU see the MM in this dream? What is YOUR perception? The backgrounds, the minor players? And, how does it tie in with your archetypes??
datura_noir Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 I just wanted to add.... 10,000 dreams, by Gustavus HIndman Miller. Very concise dream interpretations. Just one, actually...
AGreatWife Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I was doing fine for a long while and suddenly I have been having bad dreams about him, and feeling really upset about the whole thing. I wish I could just erase the memories (the bad ones of the heartbreak and the fights and recriminations). Its not that I miss him its the dreams. I am waking up in the middle of the night thinking we are still together and we had a big fight or that we were together and just broke up. Waking up feeling exhausted. Being restless and anxious during the day and not being able to sleep at night. I am exercising every day and I thought that would help. It is nothing to do with him, he hasnt done anything. I just hope this passes soon. I am exhausted from sleeping so badly. After all this time I dont understand why I am having these nightmares again. I had them just after we broke up but I havent in a long time. Maybe if I listen to a relaxation tape before I go to bed it will help. Just venting. Thanks for listening. Hi JJ, What you and other are describing in regard to your dreams, is also a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress. PTS/PTSD is not just an affliction for those who have been in wars, or have witnessed/survived a life threatening event. I went through the "night terrors" phase as well, when my H was having his affair -- and off and on, after it was over. A good resource on this is a book about the stress of a broken heart and how it manifest in much the same ways as PTSD.. its called "The Love Trauma Syndrome: Free Yourself from the Pain of a Broken Heart, by R. B. Rosse, PhD. "Dr. Rosse clearly explains that Love Trauma Syndrome (LTS), is a clinical disorder of "too much memory", in which the past intrudes upon the present to influence thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to a much greater extent than is expected. It can also be associated with a variety of other behavioral problems: the avoidance of future loving relationships, nervousness, feeling "unreal" or out of place, anger, and sleep disturbances." Hope it helps.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Hey, sorry to hear you are having bad dreams and sleeping badly - it's probably just a phase that will pass in a few days or weeks if it hasn't already. Could it be that you are not letting your feelings of hurt/anger out when you're awake? If thats the case then I guess it has got to manifest itself somehow. It has been obvious you are a strong woman by the way you have handled your situation with such dignity since your affair ended, despite having to see the xMM via work - which must have been unbearable at times. Just because it ended a while ago now (over 1 year ago - am I right?) doesn't mean you should be over it - don't be ashamed if you are still hurting, feeling confused or whatever - let it out. Talk to friends, pamper yourself and have a cry if it makes you feel better. Perhaps by doing this the nightmares will lessen as you will not be going to bed at night thinking about it. Hope you're feeling a little better by the time you read this.
Author jj33 Posted May 6, 2009 Author Posted May 6, 2009 They started again. Last night I dreamt I was going to a wedding shower and days of festivities for his wedding. I was so distraught and didnt want to have to be there but I was with my family and they kept telling me you have to be here he has been so good to you he will be so disappointed. It went on for what seemed like days and at the very end it was a wedding for one of his children not for him. And all the dispair had been for nothing. I wake up so exhausted and dont like to go to sleep at night. Ive only spoken to him once in the past week or two and havent seen him in a few weeks so its not like we are in close touch at the moment. I dont even know what to do anymore. He is being very appropriate and very considered so its not like he is doing anything to provoke this.
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