brokenglass Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 The past few days I have been starting to deal with this situation a little bit better than I was. I've made a lot of changes in my life in the recent weeks/months, and for the most part things slightly make me feel better. I still have moments/days where I feel like complete and utter **** (see the suicide thread somewhere around here). But, as a whole, I can see the past few days where I have had feelings and have utilized positive thoughts and something I found online called the fast forward technique (something in a making up book I found on the net) to make me feel better when I start to well up or have negative thoughts/emotions. So, the point of this thread. If anyone is familiar with my story, my ex and I are still "friends" on places like Facebook, MySpace, etc. We purposefully didn't delete each other, despite all of the crap we have put each other through. We do have a child together and have many mutual friends, we play various games together on Facebook and its not really a big deal. However, I no longer look at her profiles. I have all of the updates/wall posts that I can control blocked so I don't see them. So in whole, theres a lot I'm not seeing anymore. I've thought about sitting down with her and showing her how to block me specifically from seeing everything but still being friends and available to communicate, but I thought that would show an enormous lack of self control on my part. But, there are going to be times where I see her status and some of her changes. Specifically on Facebook, if I pull up my friends list, there she is with the most recent status update. The thing is, no matter how insignificant the slight change in this line of text (status update, contact info update, page update, etc.), my chest, heart, stomach, does flip flops. All control I have maintained for however long a period of time gets completely tossed out the window. My mind immediately goes to "what does that mean? What is she up to?" Things of that nature. Its obsessive. It was a problem during our relationship. I would get into these obsessive fits where I felt like I had to know everything she was doing, everyone she was talking to, etc. I've since started to completely distance myself from that. Her getting a new phone has helped an awful lot as now I don't have access to her phone records, even though I haven't looked in well over a month now. My question is, is this something that will go away with time? I feel like I want to delete her, but I don't at the same time. I really want to be able to just know shes there, and not see anything. I can't block her without removing her from my list, and that still doesn't hide what my friends comment and see on on her profile. Overall I think I'm starting to get better, but there are moments like this where my heart and mind go into dissarray.
kizik Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 You have only one choice, and that's to delete her from your FB, MS, or whatever you use. Otherwise, feel free to continue to torture yourself.
headlesschicken Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 or just stay off that site or delete your profile
You'reasian Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I don't have any of my ex-es on social network accounts. Just friends. Keeps things simple.
openbook08 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 agree, either dont use the site (the same way you dont check the phone records anymore) or delete her from it.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I agree that you need to remove her as a friend on all these sites. I did it, and it was a huge help. My ex's myspace is public, and I was still feeling the temptation to look at that from time to time, but a friend and I recently agreed we won't check up on the exes online for 30 days. If you don't have a friend you can do this with, make a commitment to us, and check in and let us know how you're doing.
EmperorR Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 your torturing yourself stop it, I did this with my ex fiance, clicked her facebook one day and saw her and her new bf was like a knife through the heart. Now as soon as I was dumped this time, delete and blocked
SBG04 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I'm in the same situation. My ex- fiancée and I are still ok friends, but seeing photos, getting updates of them playing 'house' in our old home, not to mention when she joins groups like "I'm a fan of passionate sex" make my heart shrink and sink. It's also too tempting to make comments on photos of the new boyfriend. They would be petty comments I know, but the temptation is killing me! He is such a twat of a looser. As much as I don't want to, I think I am going to have to delete her, which is all i can suggest for you.
SBG04 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I'm in the same situation. My ex- fiancée and I are still ok friends, but seeing photos, getting updates of them playing 'house' in our old home, not to mention when she joins groups like "I'm a fan of passionate sex" make my heart shrink and sink. It's also too tempting to make comments on photos of the new boyfriend. They would be petty comments I know, but the temptation is killing me! He is such a twat of a looser. As much as I don't want to, I think I am going to have to delete her, which is all i can suggest for you. .... Oh! and just as I sent that post, I did the terrible thing of looking at her profile, A post on her wall from a friend says "I can't believe he is planning on proposing to you latter this year, how exiting". Nope. That is the end of it. I have just deleted her now. Please brokenglass, do the same. Don't leave reading stuff like that a chance. Believe me, It's painful.
Da Supastar BL Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 Yeah it's best to just delete them. Me and my ex broke up in Dec. but it was completely over by the end of Feb. and around the beginning of March he started talking to someone new. He moved on to someone new so quick without even telling me. I started seeing comments from his new chick on facebook and it made me sick to my stomach so I deleted him and also got off the same network as him. I also deleted him off myspace even though his is public. It really is HARD sometimes not to look at it but its best to heal yourself by not looking at it and just deleting them.
Author brokenglass Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Hmm... I am not sure what to think. I truly do not want to offend her. I feel like if I delete her off, she will be angrier at me or start saying things to people how I deleted her or whatever...at this point I don't want her being angry at me anymore. I really want to be able to go see my son and not have to worry about her saying **** to me about it. Besides, we have what, 35 mutual friends on there? Its going to be very difficult not to see things. Would it be better if I told her that I was going to do it beforehand? Listen, if I did not have a child with her, I would have done it a long time ago. I would have just wiped her off both of my profiles. I lived with this woman for 6 years and was engaged to her, I feel like she was my wife. I desperately want to be friends with her. I do not want to have one of these ****ed up relationships with my son's mother that other people have. Maybe I'm being naive? I am unsure of what I am feeling and its a little disconcerting. I don't know if its an emotional connection I want to maintain or a parental connection. I'm afraid that right now my heart doesn't know the difference. SBG04 you and I truly are sitting in the same boat right now. When you mentioned joining the groups, right after she moved her stuff out a few days later she joined like, "cuddling", "spooning", etc. I swear it completely ****ed my whole week up. I've valiantly fought off the temptation to look at either profiles since she told me about a week and a half ago shes slept with other people. I guess another part of me feels like if I show her that I can accept this situation, let her do her thing, do my own, we both improve our lives, she looks back and thinks that at least I wasn't being petty deleting her off my stuff...I don't know. Wishful thinking maybe. If I do delete her it won't be right away. I really feel like I'm going to offend her.
somedude81 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 You are taking these social websites things too seriously. You can still be friendly with somebody without being their friend on Facebook. I doubt that she will care at all. If she says something, then tell her the truth.
janjan Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 nothing good will come out of looking at those things. +1 to those who have been there and saying "sever those ties now!"
SBG04 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I agree with somedude81. There are other forms of communication other than social networking sites. Just because you delete her off your friends list does not mean you instantly sever all ties with her. When I deleted my ex, I told her that I had deleted her because I did not want to see the type of stuff I have been reading. She said "fair enough", and that was the end of that. We have had several conversations since. I feel better already, I'm no longer scared to go on fb of what I might find and I'm not steaming pissed off at her for hurting me through something trivial as her joining a group (which she has every right to). You are going to have a better relationship with her and therefore your child if you aren't constantly being barraged with things that are going to hurt you unnecessarily. You have clearly developed a reasonable line of communication with her. If there are developments in her life that are worth you knowing about, you will find out through her, your child (depending on age), or through the mutual friends. Social networking sites are such a small aspect of communication. Get rid of it, and concentrate on developing your own life's as individuals as well as other lines of communication. These are going to benefit your child, which is what's important.
loser101 Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 I think you are using the excuse of 'not offending her' not to delete her on facebook. I know you have a child together and that you wish to remain civil. however, I honestly don't know a single person that would expect their exes to remain on the friends list after break-up. so what if you have mutual friends? how does that fit in the equation? you can stay friends with them and if you don't have much contact outside facebook, they are not your friends much anyway. you have to face life without her and that means deleting her. it's over. I have old exes on because we don't worry about eachother's lives anymore.
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