On "Intent"

[taylor]

I personally think you're applying more spin than a Nadal forehand. But that's just my opinion.

 

Sorry. Don't know what a Nadal forehand is.

 

Anyways, to clarify, I know letting myself develop feelings for another man hurt my husband. But I did not let myself develop those feelings for the OM so that I could find a way to hurt my husband. I was not motivated or driven to hurt my husband. It was not my goal.

 

When my husband expressed how hurt he was, I did not jump in the air and say, "Yes! I did it!" and then give myself a big congratulatory pat on the back for accomplishing my goal...my intention.

 

My sole intention was to feel good about myself again..to feel alive, appreciated, beautiful. To feel like I mattered to someone..to feel needed. The OM made me feel this way and I got hooked on it. Period.

 

It had nothing to do with any desire to hurt my husband. It was not a revenge affair. Sadly, he was the farthest thing from my mind during the EA. But it wasn't hard to "put" him there. We had already grown so disconnected from each other that I don't think either one of us cared much about what the other was doing. The EA served as a wake-up call, smacking us both in the face and telling us that we both better start caring or we were going to lose everything that we once valued with all of our hearts..each other.

 

I don't think you're being honest with yourself.

 

I can't speak for all WSs, but I know in my case I have spent months analyzing the affair for what it was and what it wasn't. The farther removed from the affair I get, the clearer the truth becomes, the sharper the reality, the more honest the honesty. It's a work in progress.

[LifesontheUp]

The difference being this:

 

A drunk married person who climbs on top of a willing woman KNOWS he is going to have sex and KNOWS he is committing adultery.

 

A drunk person who climbs behind the wheel of a car does NOT KNOW he is going to kill another person.

 

Both unforgiveable acts IMO, however.

 

Nobody can convince me that the drunk person in either situation above did not know that what they were doing was wrong. They just chose to ignore the possible consequences and do what they wanted to do.

 

There are enough stories out there about what can happen - destroyed marriage, people run down and killed. But yet people who do this, are happy to ignore these risks - no self control IMHO.

[Snowflower]

Your friends sound like they lead boring existences if they are still amused by things that happened years ago and after the story has been told 1000 times.

 

Are you trying to tell me in a round about way that you would not remember committing adultery if you got drunk?

 

Let me ask Snowflower...does your husband remember committing adultery with his ONS or was it all just a blur? Was it something his friends had to tell him he did because he didn't remember doing it?

 

 

 

Since you asked, let me try to answer.

 

Yes, my H remembers what he did and like I have said, alcohol was no excuse. My H also admits this.

 

He also remembers how horrible, dirty, disgusted, ashamed, etc. he felt afterward. H realized his 'mistake' immediately. He never repeated it because he realized what he had done was wrong and most likely a deal-breaker for me.

 

I truly wish his friends had been around because then the whole thing would not have happened. I know his friends and I wish they had been there-instead of leaving him alone with the OW. I don't blame his friends obviously--I just wish they would have stayed with him.

 

There is quite a debate here on this thread about alcohol and its affect on behavior. No, the alcohol didn't make my H do what he did. But, alcohol impairs judgment as we all know. Whatever my H was thinking at that time-we were at a pretty serious crisis point in our marriage at that time-wasn't helped by the alcohol that he had.

 

No excuse...his behavior was despicable and yes, I believe he threw our marriage away that night.

 

We are still recovering. However, I will maintain that his drunken act of stupid, despicable behavior was/is more forgivable than months of the deception, lies and emotional investment that occurs in an EA.

[taylor]

And of course you immediately told your H of this...full immediate disclosure of this right?And so the EA begins with a LIE. The choice to NOT fully inform your H.

 

JWI71,

 

I never even heard of the expression "emotional affair" until I came on this forum.

 

When I started to have "teenage crush-like" feelings I wrote it off as silly...something that was harmless and fleeting and that would pass with time...as do most "weekly" junior high crushes. I diminished its significance because I categorized it as stupid "puppy love." I even felt embarrassed by what I was feeling..seeing as I am usually a very grounded, rational person most of the time.

 

I chose not to tell my husband because I did not want to make a big deal out of stupid "puppy love" feelings. I thought I could keep them under control and that they would eventually dissipate and that I would have a little chuckle to myself and say, "Oh, Taylor. You silly girl. What were thinking of." And then get on with my life.

 

I didn't fail at giving my husband full disclosure. It's not something I tried to do and failed at. I had no intention of telling him. If I could deal with the feelings on my own without hurting him, I did not see any necessity in telling him about it. What for? Just to hurt him?

 

When the feelings escalated to the point where I knew I was in trouble..when I knew I had a strong urge to cross into a PA with this man...I PRAYED and then I posted on this forum looking for guidance. I was very confused. I didn't want to hurt my husband with my admission. But at the same time, I didn't want to lose the OM from my life because I had grown dependent on him. Within a few days I admitted the EA to my husband and went NC with the OM.

 

This is how human feelings and interactions work. It's not textbook. It's not theory. It's just human nature and human behavior. It's flawed. It's irrational. It's illogical. But it's human.

 

You can beat me up all you want if it makes you feel better. But I have already beat myself up enough for getting into this situation and for letting it escalte. I am done beating myself up.

 

I have forgiven myself. It took one year. And my husband has forgiven me. And that's all that counts.

 

if you did FULLY inform your H of how the OM made you feel...how was it an EA? It was in the open right - no secrecy involved then right?

 

There wasn't alot of secrecy in my affair because we did not have to find ways to meet or communicate. I did not have to lie about my whereabout or hide emails or text messages. We worked together and the entire EA took place there under the watchful eye of fellow employees.

 

But let me make this general statement. Just because an affair comes to light...just because the "secret" is out of the bag, doesn't mean the affair ceases to exist. Affair partners often continue to connect after D-day, especially if they continue to work together. Worse yet, affair feelings continue long after D-day and continue to disrupt the marriage. My affair feelings lingered for months after full disclosure and severely disrupted the marriage, even moreso than when the affair was "active." Why? BEcause in addition to "in love" feelings for the OM, I was also having to deal with "withdrawal" from losing him...a whole other set of feelings linked to the affair partner. My husband and I called these lingering feeling the "invisible elephant" coming between us. They don't go away after D-Day.

 

I will venture to say that WS who have had PAs often continue to have sexual longing (and perhaps emotional longing) for their affair partners even after "full disclosure." The affair feelings, and therefore the affair itself, in many ways, continues to live on long after D-Day...long after the "secret" is exposed.

[angie2443]

 

They don't light up so that they can hurt someone else. This is not their purpose in smoking. It's not their motivation/drive/goal.

 

Smokers simply don't look at it that way when they light up. The thought of their children do not even enter their minds when they puff away.

.

 

The smokers who love and respect their children smoke outside or try to quit. They also explain to their children the dangers of smoking and how addictive it is. I know plenty of parents like this.

[Snowflower]

JWI71,

 

 

 

This is how human feelings and interactions work. It's not textbook. It's not theory. It's just human nature and human behavior. It's flawed. It's irrational. It's illogical. But it's human.

 

I think this is what we all have to remember.

 

We are not robots, any of us. If we were, then human emotions, behaviors, etc. would not even be an issue. There would never be mistakes, affairs, etc. because everyone would behave rationally, perfectly, error-free all the time.

 

I know I have to remember that hindsight is always 20/20 and that it useless to be a "Monday morning quarterback." No one is perfect, no one does the right things all the time but everyone has to learn from their mistakes and move on.

 

In my situation, if I hadn't done what I had done-essentially telling my husband that I was moving on to pursue my career--then perhaps my H wouldn't have reacted with his ONS affair. But, at the time my actions made sense to me: I was trying to get to a better place in my life. Unfortunately, it would have been at the expense of my husband. Now that I look back, I can see how wrong I was. I still believe he made the bigger mistake with his ONS because in the end I never did leave, but I am not blameless.

 

Again, human emotions and behaviors make everything more complicated. Our oldest son is 18 and in the middle of his first serious relationship. He was telling me about the first serious disagreement that he had with his girlfriend and was all upset--I told him, "Look, relationships are complicated..."

[taylor]

This intent debate is going around in circles. I feel that somone that cheats on her/his spouse has to know it will hurt their families. Does it really matter if they intended to do harm? Clearly, they did not give a rat's ass about harming others. So, what is the big difference? It's still as abusive as it gets.

 

I agree with you completely here, Reggie.

 

WSs KNOW it would hurt their spouses if their spouses knew they developed feelings for another person or if they had sex with another person. They certainly KNOW.

 

And you are right, WS, in the throes of an affair, don't give a rat's aZZ about how escalating affair feelings might affect their spouse. When caught up in the moment of an affair, a WSs focus is solely on the affair and the affair partner. It's as if the BS doesn't even exist.

 

Like I said, being in an affair is like watching fireworks. All the focus is on the brilliant light in the sky, not down on the ground. There could be someone bleeding to death on the ground, but no one would even notice because all eyes are fixed on the beautiful, dazzling colors bursting above.

 

That's why I believe the most hurtful thing the WS do to BS is they don't give their BS a single, momentary thought...as if they don't even exist..as if they don't even matter. What could hurt more?

[taylor]

Nobody can convince me that the drunk person in either situation above did not know that what they were doing was wrong. They just chose to ignore the possible consequences and do what they wanted to do.

 

There are enough stories out there about what can happen - destroyed marriage, people run down and killed. But yet people who do this, are happy to ignore these risks - no self control IMHO.

 

No one is disputing any of this...I don't think.

[taylor]

The smokers who love and respect their children smoke outside or try to quit. They also explain to their children the dangers of smoking and how addictive it is. I know plenty of parents like this.

 

OMG, are you saying parents who smoke in front of their children don't love them.

 

Gosh, there's an awful lot of unloved children in this world. Should we get Children's Services involved?

 

By a show of hands, how many posters out there had parents who smoked in front of them? Did it EVER occur to you that your parents didn't love you?

 

Is there anyone out there JUST NOW realizing this after reading the enlightened post above?

 

I think I've heard just about everything on this forum now.

[Snowflower]

taylor, you just reached post #1000.

[Reggie]

I agree with you completely here, Reggie.

 

WSs KNOW it would hurt their spouses if their spouses knew they developed feelings for another person or if they had sex with another person. They certainly KNOW.

 

And you are right, WS, in the throes of an affair, don't give a rat's aZZ about how escalating affair feelings might affect their spouse. When caught up in the moment of an affair, a WSs focus is solely on the affair and the affair partner. It's as if the BS doesn't even exist.

 

Like I said, being in an affair is like watching fireworks. All the focus is on the brilliant light in the sky, not down on the ground. There could be someone bleeding to death on the ground, but no one would even notice because all eyes are fixed on the beautiful, dazzling colors bursting above.

 

That's why I believe the most hurtful thing the WS do to BS is they don't give their BS a single, momentary thought...as if they don't even exist..as if they don't even matter. What could hurt more?

 

I agree with this, Taylor. I'd rather my XW had intended to hurt me and our kids than tr realize we just never entered her mind. I can deal with evil intent better than heartless callousness.

[angie2443]

OMG, are you saying parents who smoke in front of their children don't love them.

 

Gosh, there's an awful lot of unloved children in this world. Should we get Children's Services involved?

 

By a show of hands, how many posters out there had parents who smoked in front of them? Did it EVER occur to you that your parents didn't love you?

 

Is there anyone out there JUST NOW realizing this after reading the enlightened post above?

 

I think I've heard just about everything on this forum now.

 

I realize that in the past, it wasn't known that second hand smoke was harmful. I think many suspected it, but that's beside the point. Most of us now that second hand smoke is harmful. Why would a parent subject their child to this when they can take the smoking outside or avoid smoking when they are with the children? What is the differance between the parents who keep the smoke away from the kids and those who know that they are harming the kids but smoke in front of them anyways.

 

Maybe there are those who put themselves first in every or almost every situation regardless of who it hurts. Maybe it's as simple as that. Just my opinion.

[jwi71]

JWI71,

 

I never even heard of the expression "emotional affair" until I came on this forum.

 

But you HAD heard of right vs wrong. Terminology and semantics aside...you KNEW it was WRONG.

 

So you lied to your H to continue your A. Sure, you made brownies in front of him...you just OMITTED the fact he made your go pitter-patter. ITs these omissions (lies) that an A requires.

 

When I started to have "teenage crush-like" feelings I wrote it off as silly...something that was harmless and fleeting and that would pass with time...as do most "weekly" junior high crushes. I diminished its significance because I categorized it as stupid "puppy love." I even felt embarrassed by what I was feeling..seeing as I am usually a very grounded, rational person most of the time.

 

I don't NEED to know what an EA is to know that becoming attached to another is wrong...its betrayal. Removing the label doesn't remove what it IS or that its wrong. Nor does it mitigate that such feelings were LIED about (omitted) in order to continue your A.

 

I chose not to tell my husband because I did not want to make a big deal out of stupid "puppy love" feelings. I thought I could keep them under control and that they would eventually dissipate and that I would have a little chuckle to myself and say, "Oh, Taylor. You silly girl. What were thinking of." And then get on with my life.

 

I didn't fail at giving my husband full disclosure. It's not something I tried to do and failed at. I had no intention of telling him. If I could deal with the feelings on my own without hurting him, I did not see any necessity in telling him about it. What for? Just to hurt him?

 

Read this over and over Taylor. I would mention this in your IC should you still go. I'm not sure you realize what you just said there.

 

When the feelings escalated to the point where I knew I was in trouble..when I knew I had a strong urge to cross into a PA with this man..

 

And when was that? And this is where we differ...you maintain that this "puppy love" was controllable and harmless. In my book, it is NOT and that puppy love is an A and not harmless. That when the puppt love began...you FAILED to inform which is a lie. For me. I know, for you, lying (by omission) about puppy love to your H is OK.

 

(Which strongly implies you'll do it again)

 

This is how human feelings and interactions work. It's not textbook. It's not theory. It's just human nature and human behavior. It's flawed. It's irrational. It's illogical. But it's human.

 

Right and Wrong, as pertaining to an A, IS black and white.

 

 

There wasn't alot of secrecy in my affair because we did not have to find ways to meet or communicate. I did not have to lie about my whereabout or hide emails or text messages. We worked together and the entire EA took place there under the watchful eye of fellow employees.

 

This is where I guess we simply fail to meet.

I maintain that hiding the depth of feelings is a lie and necessary for the A to continue. Hell you say as much above. You continually point to the honesty of your meetings yet you fail to maintain such concerning your interactions at the meetings.

 

"We met at work in the open with coworkers". OMITTING "telling each other how great and sexy we were...hot,hot,hot".

 

You think its ok.

I don't.

 

I'm am glad your M recovered. I am glad that you and your H are moving forward.

 

This isn't getting anywhere but snarky...on to other threads...

[Owl]

Taylor, here's a thought for you.

 

Did it ever...ONCE...cross your mind that if your H knew about your communications with OM, he would be hurt, and insist that you put a stop to it?

 

Was that ever...ONCE...any part at all of your choice not to tell your H about your feelings/etc...?

 

Or can you honestly say that the ONLY reason whatsoever that you never told your H about what was going on was because you really and truly thought that it didn't matter, and he wouldn't have been hurt?

[taylor]

taylor, you just reached post #1000.

 

OMG, Snowflower, thanks for pointing that out! Doing the happy dance as I write!

 

Just shows you how addicting LS can be. You've been fore-warned

[taylor]

Why would a parent subject their child to this when they can take the smoking outside or avoid smoking when they are with the children?

 

I don't know, Angie. I don't smoke. Never did.

 

Perhaps a greater question is, "Why does the parent smoke, yet usher his/her kids out of it?" If it isn't healthy for the kids to breath it, why would they think it's healthy for them to smoke it? If it affects the kids' health, surely it affects the parents' health. If you are concerned about your child's health, why not be concerned about your own?

 

What is the differance between the parents who keep the smoke away from the kids and those who know that they are harming the kids but smoke in front of them anyways.

 

I guess it's the same difference between people who choose to NOT smoke and those who choose TO smoke. One cares about the health ramifications of smoking and the others don't.

[angie2443]

I don't know, Angie. I don't smoke. Never did.

 

Perhaps a greater question is, "Why does the parent smoke, yet usher his/her kids out of it?" If it isn't healthy for the kids to breath it, why would they think it's healthy for them to smoke it? If it affects the kids' health, surely it affects the parents' health. If you are concerned about your child's health, why not be concerned about your own?

.

 

I don't smoke either, but I do know it is highly addictive. I've heard it is more addictive than herion, but maybe herion isn't that addictive. I don't know. Anyways, most people who have these addictions don't want to pass it along to their children. Of course they know that smoking isn't healthy for themselves but they have a very difficult time giving it up. This is why the ones who care about their children don't want them harmed by the second hand smoke and don't want the kids to become smokers down the line.

[taylor]

Taylor, here's a thought for you.

 

Did it ever...ONCE...cross your mind that if your H knew about your communications with OM, he would be hurt, and insist that you put a stop to it?

 

Was that ever...ONCE...any part at all of your choice not to tell your H about your feelings/etc...?

 

Or can you honestly say that the ONLY reason whatsoever that you never told your H about what was going on was because you really and truly thought that it didn't matter, and he wouldn't have been hurt?

 

OMG, Owl, my head is starting to hurt.

 

Is JWI a lawyer or something. He sounds like one. I really didn't know I was going on trial here. I would have dressed in heels (lol).

 

I am trying to be as honest as I can Owl. I really am. I don't have an agenda here. I really don't. My only reason for posting here is to try to get the WS POV across..shed some light on what's in a WSs head and heart at the time of an affair.

 

I really have no use for debating the right and wrong, good or bad. I know what it was. I have had quite an education in the past year and that knowledge will keep me from repeating history.

 

Now, to address your questions, while I still have a couple functioning brain cells left:

 

Yes, it crossed my mind on several occassions that if my husband knew about the flirtations, the innuendos, the body language, the complements..going back and forth at work, he most certainly would have been hurt and upset.

 

But I was more concerned, and more caught up, with the FANTASTIC FEELINGS I was having with the OM, to give much thought to how my husband might feel about it. My husband's thoughts and feelings were of little concern to me. My entire focus was on how I felt about the OM and how he felt about me.

 

Things were bad at home during this time. It was like going from a dark dungeon to Disneyland every day. I didn't think about the dungeon when I was at Disney. I pushed it as far out of my mind as I possibly could.

 

So, yes, some fleeting moments passed through my head when I wondered how my husband might feel about the goings on at work, but they were not deep enough thoughts to make me reconsider my actions.

 

If I had told my husband early on that the OM was making my heart go pitter-pat, he probably would have wanted me to quit my job. In that case, I would have worked at my place of employment exactly one day.

 

Fear that I could lose the OM by telling my husband about my feelings for the OM...Yes..that, too, crossed my mind. But not in the beginning. I wasn't that attached to the OM in the beginning. The attraction was mild...more like an amusement or fascination..then intrigue.

 

But as the feelings grew stronger and I became more dependent on the OM...when I started thinking about him 24/7, I did fear that if my husband knew what I was feeling I would lose the OM OR lose my husband. I wasn't ready to make that kind of choice. I needed and wanted both. The OM was fulfilling some important needs of mine, but I didn't want to lose my husband. I still considered him a wonderful, amazing person. The best person I had ever known. But we had lost the connection. I affaired down to get that connection.

 

But even then, I still had this crazy notion, that I had it all under control...that the affair wasn't going to go anywhere..it was confined to the workplace..and as long as we didn't get physical..it was harmless. SO NO NEED TO MAKE A BIG DEAL AT HOME ABOUT IT. I was not having sex with another man or meeting another man outside the office so I truly did not believe I was cheating on him. Sure, I knew he wouldn't like it if he knew I was flirting with another man..but I wasn't having sex with him. I knew it was inappropriate, but it didn't enrage my senses ENOUGH..it didn't send off ALARM BELLS loud enough..to provoke me to run to my husband and tell him, "We have one mean aZZ problem on our hands here."

 

I guess in many ways I compartmentalized the affair. I could go to Disney all day long and then come back to the dungeon at night. Only to get up and do it all over again in the morning. Disney helped me cope with the dungeon.No one in the dungeon knew about Disney and no one at Disney knew about the dungeon.

 

It was almost like leading two separate lives. In many ways my husband and I had already been leading virtually separate lives. He was doing his own thing. And I was doing mine. We came together once in a while for a meal if our schedules happened to collide. There was little to talk about but bills and trash pick-up.

 

Things were already just so bad at home that I did not want to rock the boat by bringing the affair home, too. At the same time, I did not want to lose the OM, who for nearly a year had helped me cope with what was happening at home. The marriage was in limbo and had been hanging there for 3 years already. The admission of the affair through the marriage from limbo into hell. I did not want that to happen, even though I knew the day would eventually come when the S**T would hit the fan.

 

Not sure if I answered your questions, OWL.

[taylor]

I don't smoke either, but I do know it is highly addictive. I've heard it is more addictive than herion, but maybe herion isn't that addictive. I don't know. Anyways, most people who have these addictions don't want to pass it along to their children. Of course they know that smoking isn't healthy for themselves but they have a very difficult time giving it up. This is why the ones who care about their children don't want them harmed by the second hand smoke and don't want the kids to become smokers down the line.

 

I hear you, Angie, and understand what you are saying here.

 

My parents both smoked when I was young but they both managed to kick the habit. And they both described the addiction as similar to a drug addict's addiction to heroine. I know the struggle they faced to overcome the addiction.

 

But parents who smoke set the example for their children. It's hard to tell kids to do as I say, not as I do. Especially for children of younger parents who chose to start smoking knowing the risks we all know now.

 

In a way it's kind of comical to see parents ushering their kids out of the smoke as they take a big drag on the cigarette.

[NoIDidn't]

Nobody can convince me that the drunk person in either situation above did not know that what they were doing was wrong. They just chose to ignore the possible consequences and do what they wanted to do.

 

There are enough stories out there about what can happen - destroyed marriage, people run down and killed. But yet people who do this, are happy to ignore these risks - no self control IMHO.

 

I agree. And that was my point.

 

I would never drink and drive because of the possible consequences. My intention would be to get home safe, but how does one do that when they are not in a *safe* state of mind and they already know that to be the case.

 

Taylor is passionate about the distinction, but there really isn't one.

[Owl]

I am trying to be as honest as I can Owl. I really am.

 

I believe you. I really and truly do.

 

 

Now, to address your questions, while I still have a couple functioning brain cells left:

 

Yes, it crossed my mind on several occassions that if my husband knew about the flirtations, the innuendos, the body language, the complements..going back and forth at work, he most certainly would have been hurt and upset.

 

But I was more concerned, and more caught up, with the FANTASTIC FEELINGS I was having with the OM, to give much thought to how my husband might feel about it. My husband's thoughts and feelings were of little concern to me. My entire focus was on how I felt about the OM and how he felt about me.

 

Things were bad at home during this time. It was like going from a dark dungeon to Disneyland every day. I didn't think about the dungeon when I was at Disney. I pushed it as far out of my mind as I possibly could.

 

So, yes, some fleeting moments passed through my head when I wondered how my husband might feel about the goings on at work, but they were not deep enough thoughts to make me reconsider my actions.

 

If I had told my husband early on that the OM was making my heart go pitter-pat, he probably would have wanted me to quit my job. In that case, I would have worked at my place of employment exactly one day.

 

Fear that I could lose the OM by telling my husband about my feelings for the OM...Yes..that, too, crossed my mind. But not in the beginning. I wasn't that attached to the OM in the beginning. The attraction was mild...more like an amusement or fascination..then intrigue.

 

But as the feelings grew stronger and I became more dependent on the OM...when I started thinking about him 24/7, I did fear that if my husband knew what I was feeling I would lose the OM OR lose my husband. I wasn't ready to make that kind of choice. I needed and wanted both. The OM was fulfilling some important needs of mine, but I didn't want to lose my husband. I still considered him a wonderful, amazing person. The best person I had ever known. But we had lost the connection. I affaired down to get that connection.

 

But even then, I still had this crazy notion, that I had it all under control...that the affair wasn't going to go anywhere..it was confined to the workplace..and as long as we didn't get physical..it was harmless. SO NO NEED TO MAKE A BIG DEAL AT HOME ABOUT IT. I was not having sex with another man or meeting another man outside the office so I truly did not believe I was cheating on him. Sure, I knew he wouldn't like it if he knew I was flirting with another man..but I wasn't having sex with him. I knew it was inappropriate, but it didn't enrage my senses ENOUGH..it didn't send off ALARM BELLS loud enough..to provoke me to run to my husband and tell him, "We have one mean aZZ problem on our hands here."

 

I guess in many ways I compartmentalized the affair. I could go to Disney all day long and then come back to the dungeon at night. Only to get up and do it all over again in the morning. Disney helped me cope with the dungeon.No one in the dungeon knew about Disney and no one at Disney knew about the dungeon.

 

It was almost like leading two separate lives. In many ways my husband and I had already been leading virtually separate lives. He was doing his own thing. And I was doing mine. We came together once in a while for a meal if our schedules happened to collide. There was little to talk about but bills and trash pick-up.

 

Things were already just so bad at home that I did not want to rock the boat by bringing the affair home, too. At the same time, I did not want to lose the OM, who for nearly a year had helped me cope with what was happening at home. The marriage was in limbo and had been hanging there for 3 years already. The admission of the affair through the marriage from limbo into hell. I did not want that to happen, even though I knew the day would eventually come when the S**T would hit the fan.

 

Not sure if I answered your questions, OWL.

 

Yes it does. And I do believe everything you've said here.

 

Here's my thought. This ties back to Resevoirdog's comment about "constructive intent".

 

In law, there's a concept called "constructive intent". An illustrative analogy is this: a guy throws a grenade into a crowded room. He can honestly, legitimately, in his heart of hearts be hoping and praying that nobody gets hurt or killed. But when the grenade goes off and people ARE hurt and killed, pretty much any court will conclude that the result was something he "constructively" intended. That's because, regardless of his intentions or heartfelt, fervent beliefs, it was objectively foreseeable as certain that people WOULD be hurt or killed by his actions. Simply claiming that he did a bad, stupid and/or dangerous thing but really hoped nobody got hurt, doesn't count for anything if the hurtful outcome was pretty much a foregone conclusion.

 

Your story completely meets the concept of "constructive intent". And so does virtually every other WS's story that I've seen/heard/read.

 

You didn't WANT to hurt your husband...but you didn't care enough at the time to stop yourself from doing things that you knew would hurt him. You took action, deliberately, with the express knowledge that it would hurt him.

 

That's intent.

 

Regardless of whether you DESIRED that outcome, you took action knowing what the outcome would be. You intentionally lied to your H, by omission and otherwise I'm sure, to conceal the damage you were doing to him.

 

Bottom line...I believe that you never desired to hurt him...but you did intentionally take actions that you knew would hurt him.

 

And I believe that the same applies to virtually every other WS out there...with some, but very, very few exceptions.

[Owl]

And FWIW...I believe the same about my wife as related to her emotional affair as well...

 

She never desired to see me (or anyone else) hurt...but she didn't care enough at the time to stop. She intentionally conducted her emotional affair, knowing that I would be hurt.

 

She, like you...learned a hard, painful lesson.

[taylor]

Reasons for NOT making full disclosure to husband:

 

1. Feelings not strong enough to even mention. Would be embarrassing to admit to puppy love. Besides, harmless. Ignore it, instead. (first 5 months)

 

2.Behavior not inappropriate enough to make a big deal over. No need to rock the boat.(month 6 and 7)

 

3. Thinking the feelings were under control and would dissipate over time on their own..resolve on their own. No need to involve anyone else. (months 8 and 9)

 

4.Too caught up with OM to even think about H or how he might feel. (months 10 and 11)

 

5. Fear that disclosure would result in the loss of marriage and OM.

(month 12)

 

 

I guess this was the chronological order of my thought process over a one year time frame, from beginning to end of the affair.

 

A shorter, condensed version for you OWL.

[taylor]

And FWIW...I believe the same about my wife as related to her emotional affair as well...

 

She never desired to see me (or anyone else) hurt...but she didn't care enough at the time to stop. She intentionally conducted her emotional affair, knowing that I would be hurt.

 

She, like you...learned a hard, painful lesson.

 

Yes, Yes, Yes, OWL. All of this spot on..and quite a painful truth.

[norajane]

"I didn't want to you know. I didn't intend to hurt you. Its just that if you knew about it, you'd be hurt. And if you don't know then you aren't hurt. So I didn't intend to hurt you. You weren't supposed to find out."

This brings up one of the things I found interesting in this discussion by its omission: affairs are hurtful and damaging even if they are never found out.

 

Every time key information is omitted, it's a deception and maintaining that deception creates distance between the cheater and his/her spouse.

 

Every time a lie is told, it's a deception and more distance is created between the couple.

 

Every meeting with the affair partner creates more and more detachment from the BS, and damages the marriage further.

 

Every time a cheater basks in the validation and attention provided by the OW/OM, is a time when the cheater is obtaining validation outside their primary relationship, and it creates distance and detachment from the spouse. It also contributes to the cheater neglecting their own spouse and not providing any validation and attention to them...flirt with your spouse and it's likely they'll flirt back and give you the validation and attention you are seeking elsewhere.

 

Every time one "works late" or whatever deception is necessary to sneak off and be together, is a time when the cheater is not with the family, perhaps missing time with their children or creating hurt with the spouse...hubby/wife/daddy/mommy doesn't spend enough time with me!

 

Every time one bakes cookies for the person who makes their heart pitter-patter, is time that one is stealing from the spouse, is a choice to do nice things for the OW/OM instead of investing that energy doing nice things for the BS.

 

Every minute a cheater spends thinking about their OW/OM, and for some that's 24/7, is a minute they aren't thinking about their own family, and that also creates distance and missed opportunities to maintain emotional intimacy with their spouse and family.

 

And on and on and on...

 

So when a cheater says "I didn't intend to hurt you", they aren't taking responsibility for every action they took that was actually hurtful and damaging throughout the course of the affair, regardless of whether the BS ever finds out about the affair or not. It's a copout, because "I didn't intend to hurt you" is meaningless - they inflict the hurt and damage regardless of intent every minute they are having a relationship with their affair partner.