Cinnamon777 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Last night my husband and I finally talked. I've talked to him for years, but he was drinking much of that time and didn't really hear me. I'm just done with feeling ignored, with coping with his drinking and inability to admit there is a problem... Oh Wait... now he is all done drinking. He doesn't "need" to do it anymore (which I've heard many times before) and he is really really done with it. He means it. It's different this time. Honestly, my feelings for him were put away for a long time. Now, I think the package got mailed somewhere because I just can't find any love for him. Now that he is listening and realizes that I really mean that I don't think I can be married any longer, he wants to fix everything. He is soo sorry. He didn't realized that I was "really" unhappy, as he thought I was just generally unhappy. I feel disillusioned. I believed him every time he said that he would not drink anymore. He's told me so many things that I wanted to hear over the years (10 together, married) that he never followed through on. He's just not the man that I want to be with anymore. There is no one else in the picture. I just need to take care of me... and we have 2 kids (7 & 4). He wants the chance to make it all up to me, to be the man that I want. I feel like it's all too late. I tried to fake it till you make it with my feelings last fall through until about a month ago. I tried enjoying his touch, his company, his attempts at being funny, feeling love when we have sex... nothing. I come face to face with a big wall that lets me see him but not feel him. I do feel terrible though. He is a good man. Never violent. He works hard at his job. He takes care of our finances (though this helped him drink chunks of our budget at times). He wants to try. Our life hasn't been terrible... it's functioned just fine. I don't want fine though. He sat in front of me last night crying and crying and crying. He is so sorry. He wants another chance. I feel terrible. I know he loves me. He says I'm perfect and that he could never find anyone like me and that he just can't even imagine that he wouldn't have me in his life anymore. Any advice as to coping with his grief while I'm in counseling trying to sort out my feelings??
Intricategirl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 If you're willing to give it another try, then do so. But don't string him along. My advice would be to agree to try and work on it (if that's what you want), but do it from a different living space. When my husband left me, he had told me he would try and work it out. He didn't. When he told me he was leaving the second timea few weeks later, I begged him to stay and keep trying. He didn't. And by the next day, I was glad. I wanted him gone just as much as he wanted to be gone, but I was scared of the changes that would bring. And it wasn't something I could see until I got away from him. Besides, if you stay in the house, it's not going to be trying to work through your problems. It's going to be him trying to convince you. Take the time apart, work on yourself, and maybe you will miss him and want to go back. If not, you won't be leading him into thinking that it can get better.
Author Cinnamon777 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Thank you Intricategirl for your insight. I've tried for so long without him trying that I just don't feel like it anymore. I feel sad that he's willing to try now that I'm pretty much all done... I didn't see it as stringing him along when I said I was willing to think about trying, but after reading your post I can see how it would feel that way. Even with all his sadness, I'm still feeling numb. His tears are not melting my heart like I thought they might. I've cried so much over the years... I think it's hardened me to him now. He's a good man... I just don't love him the way I want to love my husband.
DJMarky Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 You don't realise what you have til it is gone. How about taking a break to figure things out? Maybe those feelings will return, and he will have some time to prove to you he will change this time. In any case I wish you the best of luck.
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