Chelle9203 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I just begain dating this great guy a couple weeks ago. I am almost 23 years old, and he is 26. he just decided to tell me that he has been married...and divoriced...twice. This is a complete shock to me. The whole time he told me he had skeletons that scare most girls away, and he would tell me when the time is right.....and now he did. His first marriage was at 19....to a random girl he met in the army. He said they got married because he was told they get paid more if they are married, and it was a mutual agreement. This girl ended up leaving, taking his money and buying her boyfriend a new car with it. The second girl he didn't talk about much, said he fell in love with her while in Iraq and they randomly decided to get married one night. I don't really know what happened to end that. I am in complete shock...and don't know what to do. he told me he understands if i leave, but i can ask him whatever questions i want to. This scares me a great deal. Should I walk away or try to understand??
Dumbledore Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 What's the big deal? It sounds like he has been confronted with life-and-death situations almost every day of his short adult life - which understandably can make one impulsive. He probably thought that just about every day could be his last. Continue to talk about it. Ask him what marriage means to him. Ask him if it has changed over time, and after his experiences.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Naw I'd bounce because he sounds very impulsive you got to treat marriage more than just some quickie thing at vegas. I'm 28 and never been married. And he's 26, does he have any little kids out there that you dont know about? I'm telling you something is going on with this guy, keep an eye open!
bluechocolate Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 That he behaves implusively about what many people think should be important & considered decisons in life does not bode well. You're right to be concerned. Then again maybe he doesn't think marriage is such a big deal. He married the first time for financial gain & the second due to a random decision one night. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with thinking that marriage is a trivial matter (though the consequences can be anything but trivial), but how does that fit with your own feelings on the subject ? And how does it feel to be having this discussion after only dating for a few weeks ??
Tony T Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 The guy is obviously very honest and that's a plus. He was very young when he got married the first two times....he just made bad decisions. Date the guy...you don't have to marry him for Pete's sake. Why in heaven's name should YOU be upset about bad decisions HE made. Doesn't make any sense to me. Give the poor guy the time he needs to learn his lessons and mature. We all have to go through that process. Also, you have to understand clearly that he may very well have been totally ready to get married each time and was deceived by these prospective life mates. You just never know. If would recommend, however, that you date somebody at least a year...this guy or anybody else...before you make a decision to marry them. My vote is you may have a keeper. That he was honest and didn't keep this information from you is a definite plus. There are a LOT of guys out there who have never been married who have much worse secrets they never tell...like the number of girlfriends who got abortions because of them...or the number of STDs they had to go to the doctor for....etc. You seem to shock way too easily for the 21st century.
RecordProducer Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Well, at least you know that if you go out on a few more dates, he'll marry you.
Author Chelle9203 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 He was as honest as he could be...he warned me the first day, but didn't want to tell me the same day cause girls tend to leave before they know him. He was in Iraq twice and was young both times, which I understand. however, to me marriage is extremely important and something i don't take lightly. I am somewhat conservative, and want to be married one time...however i do know that things happen, i am just very cautious about it. I am just concerned that he doesn't have a grip on his feelings and may make hasty decisions on important subjects....the first night we hung out outside of work he wanted to be exclusive. This could either be because of his decision process, or that he didnt want me to run when he finally told me. I don't know. seems like everyone else is divided over this as well.
bluechocolate Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 ....the first night we hung out outside of work he wanted to be exclusive. That is a big, no, make that HUGE, red flag.
Dumbledore Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 ....the first night we hung out outside of work he wanted to be exclusive. That is a big, no, make that HUGE, red flag. Come on, that's a bit extreme. It's not like he asked her to be his fiance! Yet.
Author Chelle9203 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 haha...well we did know each other at work. we were talking at that point for a little bit, but it was the first night we actually hung out. He did have another girlfriend 5 months ago that he broke up with...he didn't propose to her... I just know that this will always bother me. I don't know how much i can trust him. Also, next time he does want to get married, how will anyone be able to trust him enough?
mr.dream merchant Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Naw I'd bounce because he sounds very impulsive you got to treat marriage more than just some quickie thing at vegas. I'm 28 and never been married. And he's 26, does he have any little kids out there that you dont know about? I'm telling you something is going on with this guy, keep an eye open! Word life to that.
Author Chelle9203 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 scratch that, it was the second time outside of work.
Lucky_One Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I have mixed feelings. I'd find out a whole lot more about his second marriage before I made any decisions. It bothers me that he wouldn't voluntarily open up about that one (after saying that they fell in love) but he would about his first one. I understand that he wants you to feel comfortable asking questions, but why wouldn't he try to explain as much as possible upfront so that you don't have to digest, think, and ask?
Author Chelle9203 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 I just asked him some more questions...The second time he was married, his wife left him because she didn't want to have to work her whole life, and he was having to take a pay cut due to injury in Iraq....in which he is now being discharged from the army. This ended 2 years ago when he was 24.
westernxer Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Just take your time dating him. His modus operandi obviously isn't working very well when it comes to matrimony. LOL
carhill Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Enjoy his company but don't "be exclusive" or have sex with him just yet. Watch his actions to match up with his words. If you like him, show him that you're not going anywhere and are willing to get to know him. Reassess in one month
ABrokenWing Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I just begain dating this great guy a couple weeks ago. I am almost 23 years old, and he is 26. he just decided to tell me that he has been married...and divoriced...twice. This is a complete shock to me. The whole time he told me he had skeletons that scare most girls away, and he would tell me when the time is right.....and now he did. His first marriage was at 19....to a random girl he met in the army. He said they got married because he was told they get paid more if they are married, and it was a mutual agreement. This girl ended up leaving, taking his money and buying her boyfriend a new car with it. The second girl he didn't talk about much, said he fell in love with her while in Iraq and they randomly decided to get married one night. I don't really know what happened to end that. I am in complete shock...and don't know what to do. he told me he understands if i leave, but i can ask him whatever questions i want to. This scares me a great deal. Should I walk away or try to understand?? If you care about him, try to understand. If you want to make this work, try and understand, ask any questions you have, etc. If you don't want to make it work, walk away..
Island Girl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 He married young and the first time - yes, it may have been for the wrong reason - but both of these relationships ended because of the wives leaving. Yes, you should go slowly. Should he be discarded for being unlucky in love or unlucky in previous relationships? I don't think so. Remember the saying is "one man's trash is another man's treasure". What they so quickly discarded could be perfect for you. Just take the time to find out.
dreamergrl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I have a friend, who I've known since I was 9, who has been married twice. Both marriages resulted in children. She has 4. I think it's kind of shocking too, but she's not a bad person. She's very responsible with her kids, and is actually now engaged I believe. She got her tubes tied too I think some people don't always know what they want, and jump into what they think they want, and it ends up being a mistake.
Chicago_Guy Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 This guy sounds like a weirdo who makes impulsive decisions and then quickly changes his mind. Being married and divorced twice by the age of 26 is not normal!
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I think he would make a better friend. His marriage record isn't so much a problembecause it's common nowadays for people to get divorce. It's his impulsiveness to dive into a relationship too early that you should be more cautious against. He might get too clingy and dependent in a relationship.
EYECANDY000 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 It seems like he made a few bad choices in his life. Just like a lot of people have. at least he told you in the beginning and gave you the option to stay or go. and since you decided to stay then I dont think you should let this interfere in your relationship in the future with him. I dont think its a huge deal, but I would still be cautious. If he asks you to marry him after a few months then oviously he doesnt take marriage and commitments serious. Just like he stated ask all the quesations you want. It seems like he is willing to tell you everything about him, if you just ask!
dreamergrl Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 It seems like he made a few bad choices in his life. Just like a lot of people have. at least he told you in the beginning and gave you the option to stay or go. and since you decided to stay then I dont think you should let this interfere in your relationship in the future with him. I dont think its a huge deal, but I would still be cautious. If he asks you to marry him after a few months then oviously he doesnt take marriage and commitments serious. Just like he stated ask all the quesations you want. It seems like he is willing to tell you everything about him, if you just ask! I like this response. I think it sums everything up perfectly. Bad past choices doesn't always make a person bad today.
Author Chelle9203 Posted April 18, 2009 Author Posted April 18, 2009 Yeah, i really am not a judgemental person and do like giving people a chance. This just put up a bunch of red flags....from a guy that i would never have thought. It seems very unlike him to do things like that, either he has changed or I dont know him well enough yet. I said I needed a few days off and he was fine with that and is giving me my space for the most part. He does seem kind of clingy, but my past relationship involved the extreme of non-clingyness and I am used to being on my own all the time. He always wants to be around me and will do anything for me, which I am not used to. I am going to give him some time, but i am not sure if my uneasiness about him will go away, hence why I am taking a few days to myself. I just don't know what to do to help me get over this feeling.
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